He said he was coming in ten minutes’ time. Ten minutes pass, half an hour, an hour, and then he shows up.

The wife: You said ten minutes, and I have been waiting here for an hour.The husband: Forgive me, there was too much traffic.The wife: This is not the first time. That’s the way you are; always late. You should have called me.The husband: My phone is out of credit, and I have no credit to call.The wife: How can I trust you? Do you think I am stupid and that all I have to do is to wait for you?He looks at her in confusion and stops talking.

Dear husband and wife,

The husband started with a real excuse, then he chose to protect his marital bond through silence.

Change the you into an I:

The term you is nothing but a formula for failure in communicating with your husband. It means: “You are guilty and responsible and you have to change. But I am not responsible.”

I means that you are thinking in an attempt to interpret the cause of anger. In the above example, the wife is angry, not because the husband is late but because she feels that she is not important to him, which leads to frustration and then anger. This emotion builds up as time passes, and as her attempt to interpret the cause of his delay continues, it leads to other thoughts:

He always neglects me.He gives no importance to me.His work is more important to him than me.He thinks I have no feelings.Another emotion:

Why not express the reaction to the delay by using a different emotion?

Feeling sad because she is lonely?

Being afraid that he should be concerned with anything more than her?

Feeling guilty lest she may have done something which made him come home late?

Fearing that something bad might have happened to him?

Sometimes, she could be glad because she managed to be ready before his arrival.

So, when she meets him, she could say:

I am sad that you came home late, because this means that I am not important to you.If only you knew how afraid I was because you were late… I thought something might have happened to you and I was so worried about you.If only you knew how eagerly I await you coming home!Then, watch him with his eyes sparkling, approaching you, trying to prove the opposite of that. No man on earth can resist such a reception. If the man were to know that he would be received in this way, surely, he would do his best to arrive as soon as possible the next time. Conversely, if he knows there will be a dispute, he will say to himself, A quarrel is awaiting me anyway, whether I am late for ten minutes or an hour. 

In order not to aggravate the situation, the husband could have said to her when he arrived, I know that you are upset because I am late and that you have been waiting for me. I apologize.If each of the spouses leaves the you formula, the dialogue will remain open, otherwise, frustration will recur, giving room for anger and resentment to accumulate, which makes any further communication even more difficult.

I means that you should ask yourself: Why am I aggravated? If you know and address the real cause of aggravation, the pent-up feelings will not accumulate and the reaction will not be negative.

Men must realize that women naturally incline towards caring for others, and devote themselves wholeheartedly to doing so. When a woman’s husband is late, she is concerned about that, and may become tense, and her life and housework may come to a halt because she is worried about him.

The wife should realize that saying I instead of You, and expressing herself using her emotional intelligence will go a long way towards maintaining the channels of communication between her and her husband, instead of silence and an end to dialogue.

Iblees and Adam… I and you

Consider, dear reader, the difference between the speech of Iblees (Satan), may Allah curse him, and the speech of Adam, may Allah exalt his mention. Allah quoting the words of Iblees in the Quran (what means): {My Lord, because You have put me in error}[Quran 15:39] i.e. 'You are the cause', Exalted and Hallowed be Allah The Almighty from what he says. On the other hand, Adam's, may Allah exalt his mention, words also Allah the Almighty citing in the Quran (what means):: {Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves} [Quran 7:23] it means he holds himself responsible for the sin.

There is a huge difference between a positive statement such as: I always look forward to you returning home in the evening to see you and talk to you, and a negative one such as: You never care to listen to me even when we meet in the evening.The use of the pronoun I in conversation is more influential and more effective than the use of the pronoun you; and I always reduces the severity of what you want to say. Try to compare the following two statements:

·         You don't care about the condition of the house which is construed by the listener to be an accusation of negligence.

·         I feel lonely when I am doing the housework, which means the wife bears the responsibility for doing the housework even if she feels lonely, and she does the housework alone.

Dear brothers and sisters:

When the spouses use the subjective pronoun “I” more often in their dialogue, and include positive meanings in their words, their relationship will improve immediately and noticeably, and they may find solutions for their problems once they improve their manner of conversation and dialogue.

It is true that it is not easy to start using the subjective pronoun I. This depends on the decision taken by each of the spouses to start bearing responsibility for their feelings and needs, and expressing themselves wisely. This requires the person to acquire a special skill in the ability to talk about oneself.

The use of the subjective pronoun I means that one will no longer use expressions such as: “You always…”, You never…, You make me feel…, which will be replaced with such expressions as: I feel… , “I wish…”, I do not want to....

Three important words that help one acquire the skills of listening and talking are: feelings, needs and wishes. These simple expressions: I feel, I need, and I wish transmit to others what we like to say about ourselves, and what we need from others to help us. For example, we could say:

I have been feeling so stressed out and tired lately.I need some rest.I wish you could understand what this means to me, so you could help me find a way to rest.What is more important is that a person speaks subjectively, and talks about his own feelings briefly. It is difficult for some people to acquire this skill; and they may need a lot of encouragement and patience if they are slow in this respect.

In conclusion:

In this article, we have seen the means by which we can talk to each other more effectively. Thus, instead of blaming one another, by saying you more than I, it is important that one should talk positively and subjectively, i.e. about himself, by using the subjective pronoun “I” more often. This helps us express our feelings, needs and wishes, especially when learning the skills of listening and talking, and keeping the channels of communication open with the other party.

Dear husband and wife,

The best way to practice the art of communication is not to blame the other by using you, but instead, to try to use such positive words as I to express our feelings, needs and wishes. An earnest attempt to change what is said or done by the other party into something positive can help one appreciate or, at least, understand them better.

For example, you could say, I am sorry that things have been tough and difficult for you lately, or you could interrupt the speech by saying: I can't express how happy I am that you are listening to me like this! How comfortable this makes me feel!I is intended to express one's purpose:

We can express our purpose by using phrases starting with I such as: I want, I mean, I would like to, and I intend to. When we fail to express ourselves clearly, this failure leads to confusion and ambiguity, for the other party would not understand our wishes and purposes.

Choosing the right words:

Long-term relationships like marriage are characterized by habits that may cause each of the spouses to be heedless of what they says to their life partner, for each partner depends, in choosing words, on habit rather than on conscious selection. Hence, words of encouragement are lost and replaced with others that lead to tension and discontentment.

The following are some of the negative frustrating expressions that are often used: You will never change, You're always cranky, You're wrong, and this is not the first time. We notice that you is most often used to express negative words and emotions.

Examples of encouraging words and expressions are: I love you, I need you, I respect the way you handle matters. I like it, Can I help you? We notice here that the word I is essential to all positive encouraging expressions.

Things to do:

1-        Train yourself to use this manner of communication with your husband this week, and remember to use I instead of you, and use your emotional intelligence in your reactions and dialogue with your husband.

2-        The use of I instead of you is one of the ways you can keep communication open between you and your husband. It implies the concept of bearing responsibility, and carries positive meanings to encourage the other party to continue with the dialogue.