How is psychological and emotional abuse defined in Islam? What constitutes these emotional scars that cannot be seen on the skin? Emotional abuse is similar to verbal abuse but sometimes it can be a little more twisted and suddenly alarming. It reaches into each fiber of the self-esteem, leaving the victim in deep emotional pain about his or herself regarding the world around him/her. Usually these children who have been so severely abused either grow up to be unable to set normal functioning boundaries or become an emotionally abusive themselves.

All thanks and gratitude are due to Allah, Who has set standards that guide us in how to behave with one another. And yes that also includes our children.

Everything boils down the heart. It is the most important part of our body.

The Prophet Muhammad  said: "Indeed there is a piece of flesh in your body which, if it be sound, then the whole body will be sound and if it be corrupt then the whole body will be corrupt. Indeed, it is the heart." [Al-Bukhari]

All of our actions stem from this part. If we have been raised in a negative emotionally abusive home, we may be carrying this excessive baggage into our hearts and homes without even knowing it. But first we must know what emotional/psychotically abuse means in order to look, not only, into the past but how it is affecting us now.

Allah looks into the heart of the each one of us, not at our outward appearance. Therefore, when we viciously attack our children emotionally by demeaning them, calling them names, telling them they are ugly, a failure, letting them feel worthless we have started an arsenal attack on the heart. We have made them feel as though they are worthless and rejected. We are going deep into an area that we have no right to tread. Since Allah "scans" our hearts what are we doing to our children's? The Prophet  said: "Allah does not look at your bodies or your faces but He looks at your hearts and actions." [Muslim]

The tongue is a great indicator of what is in the heart. When a parent's heart is good you can see it in their wording. Yes, we all get upset with our children, but the parents who have a good heart will be careful and Allah-fearing. Since we know that if the tongue is used correctly it will be blessed, so what about people not using their tongue correctly? Or, if the tongue is a hypocrite, speaking nicely only to the people outside the home but abusing their children inside the home.

For some reason many parents believe they can say whatever they would like to their children, without ever thinking of the consequences. These consequences can be even more far-reaching than just the child because the parent himself will be accountable to Allah for emotional/psychological abuse. Allah Says (what means): {Successful indeed are the believers. Those who offer their prayers with all solemnity and full submissiveness. And those who turn away from Al-Laghw (dirty, false, evil vain talk, falsehood, and all that Allah has forbidden).} [Quran 23:1-3]

Each and every act that we communicate, be it verbally or non-verbally, will be recorded. Just because we are in the confines of our four walls does not mean that we are "truly alone." Not only does Allah See and Hear everything, Allah has also Sent angels to record everything we say and do. So even if we do not use foul destructive language to our children, if we withhold love and care, favoring one child over the others, etc., or doing anything that goes outside of the boundaries of Islam, it is all being recorded. Allah Says (what means): {Not a word does he (or she) utter, but there is a watcher by him ready (to record it).} [Quran 50:18]

Allah will Call us to account with His Almighty Justice not with oppression. Yet what are we doing to our children inside the home. Like the perished nations before us justified not believing in Allah Alone because their parents worshiped others than Allah. Is it right to abuse and ignore the emotional needs of our children because our mothers and father's raised us that way? Are we so unattached to our feelings that we forgot how bad it felt when our feelings were discounted and we were emotionally scared on a daily basis? The Prophet  said: "Whoever believes in Allah and the last day should speak good or keep silent." [Al-Bukhari]

Or do we only reserve this narration to those we want to "show" that we are good Muslims? Where on the outside we pretending to "look" like our hearts are clean but on the inside we are abusing our children on a daily basis. If our behavior with those outside is good, warm and loving but in our homes it is full of "emotional and verbal" filth, we have to look deep inside our hearts. If this is the case, not only are we harming our children but are teaching them to be two-faced or hypocritical with their heart and tongue.

Imam Ash-Shaafi'i  said: "If you wish to speak then it is your responsibility to think before you speak. If you think there is good in it then you should speak and if not, then do not speak."

This saying is from someone who is searching for salvation. Obviously we need to discipline our children and reprehend them when they do something wrong, but how we do it, what is our real intention behind it. Are we doing it as sincere advice because we love them for the sake of Allah or are we doing it for other intentions like; to humiliate them, to let off steam, to feel more powerful and to feel in control? For Allah's Sake we must look into our intention for each and every move we make. Do we really believe that all these rules about manners and speech are only for those outside our homes? Do we really deep down inside live in a fantasy world that we are "kings and queens" of our home and we can do as we like?

We should ask ourselves before we speak:

What is our intention?

Will this saying of mine please Allah?

Will this saying of mine bring me closer to Allah?

Does this saying earn with it obedience to Allah?

If so, then speak, otherwise one should keep quiet.

Our children are Muslims and the following saying of the Prophet  applies to them: "A Muslim is one who does not harm the Muslims with his tongue or hands." [Al-Bukhari]

We know from the section on physical abuse that we are not allowed to harm our children with our hands. Now we know that we are not allowed to oppress ourselves and our children with our tongue. This abuse of the tongue can actually harden the heart. This is obviously a very serious matter. May Allah protect us from this!

The Prophet  said: "Whoever guarantees me what is between his jaws and what is between his legs will enter Paradise." [Ahmad and At-Tirmithi]

If we don't take the time to reflect and think about how we are acting towards our children, we could be piling up sins and not even know it. It is not enough just to put a roof over our children's head and feed them. We are raising the future Islamic nation, and they need to be functional active members. If we repress them emotionally and psychologically, what kind of nation will they be? Do we really think that we can follow our own desires within the home and get away with it from The One Who Knows and Sees everything? One day those children may be changing our "dippers" and feeding us by hand. How would we like to be treated? Do we really believe we can abuse and expect them to care for us with deep love and devotion? Do we want them to only fear us or respect and love us? Do we believe it is enough to force them to parrot the Prophetic narration regarding obeying their parents.

If we find all of this hard to do, we need to soften our hearts and ask Allah to forgive us.

 

Having difficulty dealing with children has become a widespread phenomenon. Many parents seem to be quite at loss when it comes to enforcing good morals in their children. Research has shown that some parents use fruitless styles to achieve this goal. 

There are certain common mistakes parents make in bringing up their children -- both boys and girls. Parents may commit these mistakes out of either ignorance or negligence, despite meaning well. Ultimately, these parenting mistakes have negative repercussions on the righteousness and good qualities of the children.


The following are some of these mistakes:

Rebuking children for every error: Despising and rebuking the child for every mistake he commits, in a way that makes him feel humiliated and inferior. This is a great mistake committed by some educators. The right way is to warn the child gently and leniently, and convince him why he should avoid his wrong behavior.

Reprimanding children publicly: If the educator feels the need to reprimand the child or admonish him, this should not be done in front of his siblings or friends; rather he should advise him alone.

Punishing children too harshly: Punishing children too harshly is a big parenting mistake. Researchers studying child behavior state that discipline is effective only when it is mild. For example, "time out" should not be for more than a few minutes, and depriving the child from some of his privileges should not be prolonged beyond one day.

Excessive pampering: Excessive pampering of the child and showering affection -- especially by the mother -- will lead to serious consequences on the child's psyche and his behavior. It will increase his diffidence, make him introverted, increase his fear, weaken his self-confidence, and make him lag behind his peers.

Delaying the process of education: The idea of disdaining and neglecting the early education of the child is completely wrong. The process of educating the child and guiding him should start immediately after weaning. Parents should start directing the child, guide him, command him to do certain things and not to do others, promise to reward him and threaten to punish him, and inculcate the love of good deeds and hatred of bad ones.

Accustoming children to laziness: Another aspect of parenting mistakes is when the mother, as a kind of mercy and kindness towards her child, does not allow him to take up activities and chores that he is capable of doing. This mistake makes the child lose his spirit of cooperation with the family in all aspects of life, especially in the sphere of performing his duties in service of the household. This causes the child to be dependent on others, lose his self-confidence and accustoms him to laziness.

Being overprotective: Some mothers commit another mistake by not letting the child stray far from her eyes even for a moment, fearing that he will be harmed. In fact, such over-protectiveness harms the child and does not benefit him.

Treating children unjustly: Favoring some children over others, whether in giving gifts or in kind treatment or in love, is another great mistake. Parents should be fair and just with their children.

Disparaging children: Disparaging children by silencing them or making fun of them when they talk and express themselves is another mistake. Consequently, the child will be less confident, less courageous in talking and expressing himself, and more shy in front of people.

Disregarding their feelings: Children need to be able to examine their feelings about things. One of the most common mistakes parents make is disregard their children's feelings - by telling them not to cry, for example. A better way to approach such a case is to show compassion towards them by letting children know that you know how they feel.

Compromising established rules: If parents make rules, the need to be ready to enforce them. Parents are not expected to set military standards for discipline for their children, but children should know that when parents say "No" it certainly means nothing else but "No". When kids learn that parents will not give in to their fits, they will simply stop throwing them.

Setting a bad example: Finally, committing forbidden acts in front of children like smoking, listening to music or watching movies is another vital mistake. Undoubtedly, this makes the parents and the educators bad examples to children.