Over Sensitive Wife, How to Deal with Her?
17 October, 2017
QWe are a recently married older couple. We met online, spoke for 6 months before getting married. My wife has a high sex drive. She has mentioned this in a round about way bit when I said it she was very upset and cried. After we made up a few days later I foolishly joked that I might not be enough for her and she may need someone else. It was an inappropriate joke but, in my opinion, she has overreacted by crying and saying I have hurt her so bad and that I am questioning her chastity. I have apologized on numerous occasions. I have promised not to joke about sex, ect. I am a widower with 3 children. Single for 3 years. Loved my wife dearly. My wife married late after spending 5 years looking after her mum. Had an arranged marriage that lasted a year. Her husband did not provide and was emotionally abusive.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
17 October, 2017
In this counseling answer:
“I would kindly suggest dear brother that you and your wife take Islamic marriage classes. They are offered at a lot of Masjids, perhaps there is one in your area. While you both have been married before you may feel, well why should we? However, you have not been married to each other before! Marriage classes are for the young, the older, the first time married and those who have been previously married. ”
As salamu alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife. It sounds like she has misconstrued what you said and took it the wrong way. As you are a newly married couple, you are still learning each others ways and personalities. There will be some conflicts and this is to be expected, however, the key lies in forgiveness, communication and a dedication to working things out. Communication is very important in marriage. It is said that communication can make or break a marriage, it is that vital.
While your wife may be sensitive perhaps there is a reason. As you stated she was in an abusive first marriage perhaps her x husband use to accuse her of cheating or needing or being with other men, possibly abusing her physically thinking she did. This, if true-may
This, if true-may be one reason for her response, you unknowingly triggered her past pain. I would kindly suggest dear brother that when things are calm that you sit with her in a nice atmosphere and talk with her about her x husband. It may be difficult (for you both) but in the long run the more you know about what happened to her the better you will be able to avoid her triggers as well as help her heal insha’Allah. It may be possible that she has not told you the extent of the abuse.
Perhaps it was so severely emotional that she is suffering from trauma or it could even have been physical abuse. For cases of abuse, if she has not already done so, I would highly recommend that she get counseling for any residual issues so that they do not affect the current marriage to you. Sadly, some women from abusive relationships may have trust issues as well as sensitivities due to the abuse they experienced. With patience, love, and consistency, however, you can help her get over these trauma’s insha’Allah.
You sound like a wonderful husband, you just need to get to know your wife better as she needs to get to know you! Marriage, as you know, is work. It is a joy, but in that joy are also things that may need to be healed, nurtured and addressed. With counseling Insha’Allah, with help, this will pass and you both will continue to get to know one another and bond closer, looking towards a wonderful life ahead.
I would kindly suggest dear brother that you and your wife take Islamic marriage classes. They are offered at a lot of Masjids, perhaps there is one in your area. While you both have been married before you may feel, well why should we? However, you have not been married to each other before! Marriage classes are for the young, the older, the first time married and those who have been previously married.
Classes usually help you both explore your communication styles, personalities, commonalities and differences, strengths and weaknesses which can help you both bond as a newly married couple. Classes also cover Islamic principles and guidelines as well as tips and skills to enhance the marriage.
Also, please do try to pray with your wife as often as possible, read Qur’an together, take walks and spend quality time doing uplifting activities to bring you closer to each other and Allah. As far as her desires for lovemaking, trying to accommodate her needs as much as possible without the comments said in the jovial small talk. While sometime in the future she may see them as loving or cute, right now is not the time. Continue first, building those bridges and bonds with her. We wish you both the best brother, please let us know how you’re doing.
Did I Make a Mistake Marrying Someone From a Different State?
13 February, 2020
QAssalamualaikum,
I am 32 years of age, and I’ve been married for a year. I am from California and my husband is from New York. I have lived all my life in California, therefore I am so used to this peaceful environment that I can't think of moving anywhere else. However, when I got married, I had to move to NY with my Husband and got into an accident on our way because of his rash driving.
Alhamdulillah we weren’t hurt but we lost our car and we were financially broke. I went through this shock after 2 weeks of our marriage, and I’m financially broke. We were barely living in NY and I hated the lifestyle and how crowded and loud it was living there. Every day, I would get this feeling of “what am I doing here?", "why I am here?" and " I need to go back to my place."
The problem is that I am so attached to CA where I have my life and friends and family, whereas in NY I have only my husband. I started forcing myself to get used to NY and making efforts to like it there, but nothing really worked for me and I had to let my husband know that I couldn’t live that way and that I feel depressed.
I decided to move back to CA in two months, which was partially also to help my husband financially as I had a stable job here in CA. I told him I can save us money while he also works here and make us financially stable. So, I came back with my husband and we decided to stay.
We both started our jobs. The money he makes here is sometimes not even 10% of what he used to make in NY, and so he’s been complaining ever since we moved that he wants to go back. He believes that he will be financially stable there not here and we always argue about this. One day I finally agreed to move back but he still kept complaining.
He blames me for everything even though he is too lazy to work here, saying that there is no point of working here when I am making so little. I am taking care of my own expenses ever since I started working, always trying to help him financially. We are also living with my parents since we can't afford to live anywhere else right now, and he has issue with that.
He never gives time to my family or makes an effort to connect with them, all he ever does is stay in the room and goes to work and come then eats and watches movies and sleeps. I discussed this with him, and he says he is completely different, and he doesn't know what to talk about. Moreover, he tries to pull me away from my family.
He would tell me things that would hurt me about my family, and every time we plan to go out with my family, he will create excuses such as how different he feels from them. I cannot stand between him and my family because I can’t say no to either of them.
His feelings about CA are exactly my feelings towards NY, just alone and isolated. I have discussed everything with him and that I will be moving back only because of his happiness. He gets mad at me because he thinks he is pushing me to move back with him and tells me every time that a woman needs to be where her husband is and not vice versa. He also blames me for being so attached to my family.
Eventually we will move back inshAllah. I made that decision because I know he is not happy, and if he is not happy, he will never keep me happy. We have a lot of issues due to many other things, but the main reason is because he hates it here and he lets all his anger out on me that he doesn't make enough money.
I am scared to go back because I know for a fact that I hated everything there. Please help me with what I can do. It makes me feel that he is so selfish. I am so depressed.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
13 February, 2020
In this counseling answer:
• I think the main thing that your husband is possibly concerned with is his ability to make money and support his family. This is a very important matter and he should be where he can make a good living.
• Try to approach it as a team effort, as one with each, with love. You might want to make a list together of the positives of California and negatives. Do the same for New York.
• If you approach the move differently, with an open heart and mind, you may have a different experience this time around.
Intercultural Marriage
Intercultural Marriage: Muslim Women Narrate Their Stories
• I kindly suggest going to the mosque, get involved in Islamic events, take some classes, join a gym. Do things that interest you. Seek out sisters to make friends with. It’s not hard to do in the city.
• Make Allah (SWT) the foundation of your marriage. Pray and read Qur’an together, and promise to resolve any disagreements based on the Qur’an.
Assalamualaikum dear sister,
It sounds like you are going through a lot concerning your marriage as well as adjustments in how you both communicate your needs. Sadly, the issue of where to live has adversely affected your marriage due to many factors.
Experiencing Similar Feelings
Sister, it seems as though you and your husband are having some of the same feelings and internal conflicts. Sadly, you are taking it out on each other.
As I understand, you were raised in California and your husband is from New York. You’ve been married for one year. When you got married you did move to New York and you had a very hard time adjusting.
You missed your family, your friends, the familiarity and the more laid-back lifestyle that California offers. After some time when you did not adjust, your husband agreed to come to California and live, so you could be happy.
As it turns out, when he got to California and lived here for some time, he too started missing his home and family in New York. So, he was going through similar emotions that you were going through when you lived in New York.
Did I Make a Mistake Marrying Someone From a Different State? - About Islam
You hated New York and could not adjust, and he seems to hate California and cannot adjust either. One of the more important factors is that it seems that he can make more money in New York as opposed to California, despite a rough financial setback when you first got married.
Seeking to Please Each Other
Sister, I understand your hurt and anger. However, I can see his as well. You both are seeking to please each other by moving back and forth across the country, only to find one or the other of you is not happy.
I am sure that you love each other very much, but the issue of both of you wanting to live in your “home” states is causing anger, accusations, irritability, hurt, and other destructive patterns in your marriage.
I think the main thing that your husband is possibly concerned with is his ability to make money and support his family.
This is a very important matter and he should be where he can make a good living. It is probably very frustrating for him to have to depend on you to help with bills or give him money when he does not make enough his current job.
Yes, he probably misses his family and the familiar surroundings of New York. However, I think that the main issue is the financial portion of him not being able to make as much money in California as he made in New York.
I can imagine, that for a man who is newly married, he is concerned with providing for you.
The back and forth arguing about moving to California was probably a concession he made, to make you happy. However, as it turned out, he is not making it here financially.
This alone can lead to frustration and tension in the marriage, especially since he agreed to move to please you.
Empathy and Discussion
Currently, there is a lot of stress, hurt and anger between you and your husband. You stated that he currently tries to pull you away from your family and tells you things that hurt.
He is also withdrawn and doesn’t want to socialize with your family. You also stated he just goes to work and then stays in his room.
Sister, it does sound like he may be worried and even possibly depressed at this point. Insha’Allah, try to think about how you felt in New York. He may be feeling the same emotions you that you did.
Only as head of the home and the husband, he has the responsibility to support you which may be his main worry right now.
Additionally, I am sure he wants to appear as capable in front of your family and he may be feeling insecure and not very adequate, thus his withdrawal.
Perhaps sister, you and your husband could sit down when things are calm and discuss your move. Try to approach it as a team effort, as one with each, with love.
You might want to make a list together of the positives of California and negatives. Do the same for New York. Write down the things you like and dislike about both places, and your husband can do the same.
Insha’Allah, if you each review the lists and cross out the points that are not main factors, you may be able to narrow it down to something that is workable for you both.
At the same time, look at the negatives for the place you will be living in and brainstorm together how to turn it into a positive or at least find a workable resolution to try. Look at the situation as your first challenge together, and vow to resolve it in a loving, unified way.
At this point, you have agreed to go back to New York as it is causing a lot of problems between you and your husband. You may wish to discuss with him how you can adapt to the area better.
Perhaps he has some points or tips that would be useful. As he is from New York he should know how to make you feel more at home.
You both may want to draft out a plan together which includes him securing a job and place to live prior to moving there again.
If you approach the move with the basics in place (a job and home) it may make the transition easier for you. Security is important when making a move and does take some advanced planning and getting things in place.
Changes and Adaptation
Sister, I understand this is a big change for you. I feel your emphasis and pain about feeling so alone in New York. Naturally, you will miss your family, but that is a part of marriage sometimes.
When we get married, we often do have to leave the area where we grew up, leave our families and start a new life.
Sometimes that change is hard, it’s understandable. Perhaps you can work out a way that you come back home a couple of times a year to visit your family and spend time with them.
Living in New York is a big difference from living in California. It is a much faster pace for one. Additionally, depending on where you lived in California, there are a lot more people, living much closer together in New York.
The upside to all this, however, is that there are a lot of Masjids, Islamic centers, and things to do depending on your interests.
Perhaps sister, part of your inability to adapt to New York may stem from missing your family and feeling resentful that you must leave them. This is never easy, but insha’Allah you will adjust.
Insha’Allah, if you approach the move differently, with an open heart and mind, you may have a different experience this time around.
I kindly suggest going to the Masjid, get involved in Islamic events, take some classes, join a gym. Do things that interest you. Seek out sisters to make friends with. It’s not hard to do in the city.
You may be pleasantly surprised and how welcoming and loving they are. While they can’t take the place of your own family, our sisters are a great source of support love and strength.
Increasing your social life in New York will insha’Allah help you to adjust better.
Making Marriage a Stronger Bond
Sister, try to repair the relationship with your husband. I realize you are hurting right now, but he is your life partner, the one who Allah (SWT) gave to you.
Insha’Allah, you can both start out on a new path that includes comforting each other, showing love, empathy, and mercy towards each other.
Make Allah (SWT) the foundation of your marriage. Pray and read Qur’an together, and promise to resolve any disagreements based on the Qur’an.
If you apply Islamic principles to your marriage, insha’Allah things will become much easier for you both.
You and your husband may want to consider going to marriage classes at your local Islamic center or Masjid. Many do offer these classes and in addition to learning more about marriage, you learn about communication skills, how to resolve differences, and other useful skills.
The classes can also be fun and engaging and bring you both closer to each other and to Allah.
Conclusion
Lastly dear sister, once you move back to New York, if you’re still feeling alone despite trying to have a new outlook and new activities, please do seek out a counselor in your area to help you with adjusting to your new life.
Make duaa (supplication) to Allah to grant you ease in this process. After all, as we know, Allah is most merciful and does love us and wants us to be happy. Trust in Allah.
How to Solve Intimacy Problems in Marriage
13 January, 2020
QSalaam. I hope this message finds you well. I have a question regarding a sensitive subject, and also one that is not easy to talk about due to its very nature.
I have been married to my lovely husband for 8 months now, and alhamdulillah I am happy with him.
I chose my husband myself as my parents told me to look for someone, and I was pleased with him and his character. He is not what one might typically deem as good looking etc, but I love him endlessly. We get on so well together.
However, our sex life has now become an issue, and an obstruction really to our lives. He finds it very hard to not ejaculate fast, needs to always stop and take breaks, leaving me unsatisfied 90% of the time.
I have been patient with it as I know it takes a while to get disciplined in. We have also addressed it between us and are both taking the necessary steps to make it better.
The thing that makes this worse is that he has what I feel is a small penis. This is something that I cannot speak to him about; I feel like it will hurt him, and feel guilty. But I feel doubly unsatisfied because of these reasons.
I have been reading and a lot of advice is that I should try and obtain pleasure in other ways, i.e my husband stimulates my clitoris, but I don’t find this helpful as I desire penetrative sex.
Also, I find a lot of advice caters for men’s needs and desires but not women's as they are from male ustaadhs.
I live with his parents and his family is very big. Even though they are nice to me, they have very backdated ways of thinking and this has made my home life very difficult. I have to cook and clean for a large family with no help on top of my full-time job, and looking after my own elderly and sick parents.
Sex is the cherry on top for me and I feel like I am now stuck. I am not getting any sort of pleasure from my marriage. I do not know what to do.
Praying and making dua will not get me to be sexually satisfied, but I continue to pray. I’m torn as I want to be with my husband but these issues are pulling me away from him.
What is your advice? I hope to hear from you soon.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
13 January, 2020
In this counseling answer:
• I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level.
• It’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on.
• Learning how to be intimate does take some time and patience.
As Salaam Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing in with your most important and common concerns. You have been married to your husband for 8 months now, and you’re very happy with him (with one exception).
You stated that you chose your own spouse and you’re very pleased with his character and you love him very much. Additionally, you both get along very well.
Sexual Issues
The issue that you have brought to our attention is a relatively common issue with newly married couples and others who are going through different life changes. You state that your sex life isn’t enjoyable because he ejaculates quickly during lovemaking.
You also stated that you understood that it takes time for a man to get disciplined and learn how to control his ejaculation. Unfortunately, this leaves you unsatisfied 90% of the time.
As far as penis size is concerned you stated that you feel that he has a small penis. Whether this is true or not, it is an issue for you now so it should be addressed. Sister, it may be something that can be resolved via techniques, positions as well as time.
How to Solve Intimacy Problems in Marriage - About Islam
A lot of sexual pleasure a woman feels comes from the clitoris as you know. Some say the size of a man’s penis does not matter as the clitoral stimulation is what counts. However, there are others who feel the bigger the better.
I guess it’s just an individual choice. You desire to feel the full vagina intercourse which in sha’Allah can be attained over time with your body adapting to his as well as utilizing different techniques and positions.
I really would not recommend telling him this as yes, it would hurt his feelings and it would make him very self-conscious. As he is currently working on trying to build up his ejaculation time in order to better please you, this would be devastating.
Learning, Education & Creativity
Insha’Allah, sister, once you both get into a good sexual groove that is consistent and satisfying for you both, his penis size will no longer bother you. According to Medical News Today, “A 2015 study found the average erect penis length to be just over 5 inches (13.12 cm).
Some women may report discomfort if their sexual partner has a penis that is larger than average” and regarding vagina’s”the average depth of a vagina is about 3.77 inches, which is 9.6 centimeters (cm). Medical News Today also reported that “the average erect penis is about 33 percent longer than the average vagina.
While both penis and vagina sizes can vary, these organs can usually accommodate each other.”
Sister, it’s evident that he’s trying to learn how to control his ejaculation by taking breaks, stopping and then insha’Allah continuing in your lovemaking.
This is indicative of somebody who cares, one who is seeking to please his wife, as well as train his body to respond appropriately to a new experience.
Sister, you have only been married for 8 months. It is not a long time and combined with all the responsibility you have, please insha’Allah be patient.
I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level.
Make it a point to utilize online resources or read books to get tips on how to enhance your lovemaking as well as additional techniques for gaining control over ejaculation.
There is a lot of good information out there, however just be careful to only go on sites that are reputable and well known such as WebMD, etc.
It seems as if your husband is really willing to learn, and is trying to gain control over-rapid ejaculation. It’s a very common problem among men especially men who are not used to having sex. It does take some time and it does take some patience.
As you both get to know each other’s bodies, emotions, what feels good, what doesn’t -you will soon acclimate to each other’s needs and be able to attain an excellent sexual relationship insha’Allah. As you both love each other very much, I am sure you will find creative, sensual ways of satisfying each other (you mainly) until he can build up the stamina to last for long periods of time. Please do be patient with him, sister!
There are many ways to meet to be intimate and to please one another. You just have to get creative, open and do all things in a loving way.
Again, there are different books that are not haram that can help with methodology creativity and enhance intimate experiences if you don’t already know.
One book that is written by a Muslim woman for Muslim women is The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex by Umm Muladhat.
An article in Cosmopolitan magazine, which is mostly halal and offers good tips for women, is: “Do You Have What It Takes to Conquer This 30-Day Sex Challenge? One month. Two people: Thirty days of boning”.
When you said that “I find a lot of advice caters for mens needs and desires but not women’s as they are from male ustaadhs” you were absolutely right! I did not find much, we need to change that.
A suggestion I would like to make in regards to communication is that it’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on.
Often times when husbands’ hear these things, it makes them try harder to please you in bed, extend foreplay as well as ensure that you are sexually satisfied. This works towards your advantage and well as the relationship over-all.
Over-Whelming Responsibilities
Regarding your family responsibilities, you have a lot to do, sister. Alhamdulillah his parents are very nice to you. While I’m not sure how many of his family members live there, it seems to me that everybody should help out.
This would mean his sisters and his sisters-in-law would help cook and clean and take care of his parents, not just you. As you work full time, are newly married, you are looking after your own elderly, sick parents and trying to run a large household that is a lot of responsibility.
While there is no Islamic law that says you have to help take care of his parents, it is a blessing and a good thing that you do. May Allah reward you.
But again don’t overlook your own parents who you are obligated to take care of when they’re sick. You do need to reduce your workload though insha’Allah.
Sister, I suggest that you speak to your husband about this. In sha’Allah, write a schedule for your daily activities to include work, taking care of your parents, spending time with your husband, Islamic obligations, as well as cooking, cleaning at home with his parents.
Show your husband the schedule and explain to him that you love him and his family, but would appreciate help from his siblings. Ask him if they could help with some of the tasks. Insha’Allah, he will understand and speak to his siblings.
When living in an extended family situation, it is always the best when everybody helps out, and not just one person is responsible for all. As you are new to the family it may be that they think you just want to do it all, or maybe it is expected.
In either case, you do want to help out as much as you can but at the same time, you don’t want to run yourself down with all of the work and responsibilities that you do have.
Conclusion
Insha’Allah sister, be patient with your husband concerning intimacy, he is learning as you are too. Explore ways in which you can achieve satisfaction with him; be creative and make it something fun to look forward to it will build closeness.
Speak to your husband about all of your responsibilities, seeking an option for other family members to help out. Keep a sight on the fact that you have found a wonderful husband but like every other relationship-nothing is perfect.All couples have things to work through. Insha’Allah with effort and prayer, things will begin to get better once these issues are resolved.