A Newly Married Couple: We’re Struggling with Intimacy
07 April, 2020
QAssalamualikum. I just very recently got married. It has been almost 4 months now. It was completely arranged. Yet, I can’t seem to feel happy in marriage at all.
To start off, I was born and raised in America. My parents alhamdullilah took care of me with love. Once I graduated high school, I started receiving marriage proposals one after another. I was never interested in marriage, but I told my parents that when the right person comes I’ll get married.
Alhamdullilah a man came that I felt something different for. I met him once and we soon got married a week later. I soon started feeling awkward around him. I struggled with physical intimacy although we did consummate our marriage. I still struggle with sex. I hate it so much. I force him off of me. I get out of the room if he tries to start. One night, I’m perfectly fine the next time I can’t stand him.
He’s alhamdullilah so Islamic. His parents aren’t very nice. He is so nice to my family. He is always patient. But I have started noticing that this relationship is starting to go down badly. Sometimes he says he’ll never come back. What should I do. Why do I act this way?
ANSWER
Hannah Morris
07 April, 2020
In this counseling answer:
Compromises need to be made on both sides in order for a marriage to succeed.
In order to promote happiness in your marriage, focusing on these positive aspects more will make for healthier relations and satisfaction in the relationship.
Do something fun together and spend quality time together.
Spend time apart also. This will make you miss one another and focus more on the nice things and positive qualities that you miss in each other.
Seek professional counseling.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
MashaAllah, you have found a husband who is a practicing Muslim, he’s very patient and he is nice to your family.
Unfortunately, however, you are not feeling so happy in this marriage lately and feel like the relationship is going downhill and you are unsure why things seem to be heading this way. There are, however, a few things you can think about and do to try and make things better.
A Newly Married Couple: We're Struggling with Intimacy - About Islam
Marital challenges
As much as we all want to be in a marriage that is 100% bliss 24/7, but unfortunately this is seldom the case.
All marriages will at some point face one challenge or another. Marriages will always start off in a good place, but what many don’t realize is that marriages won’t always remain this way as the couple gets used to each other and exhibit traits that perhaps the other spouse did not expect or had never seen before.
Abusive Husband Wants Me Only for Sex
For the most part, these are minor things that one just has to learn to accept and will come to adjust to these things in time, often coming to eventually love these little quirks.
Compromise in marriage
You will not always like all the things about your spouse, and he too will likely be having issues with some aspects of your own personality, but one of the important things in a marriage is to realize that compromises need to be made on both sides in order for a marriage to succeed.
Whilst we would always prefer to have things our own way, it is better to make reasonable compromises for the sake of a happy marriage than expect everything to be done your own way at the risk of causing difficulties and unhappiness in the marriage.
After all, these compromises you make may even be better for you than if you did things your own way. Marriage requires flexibility.
“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:216)
Even looking at marriage in general without going into specifics, it may be that you dislike being married, but it is good for you. Marriage gives you the chance to have your needs met in a halal way, provides you with comfort and protection from many things
“…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” (Qur’an, 2:187)
and most importantly is encouraged by Allah.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between your affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an, 30:21)
Focus on the positives
At present, it seems that you are very much fixated on the negative aspects of this marriage and of course this is going to make you feel unhappy in the marriage. Despite this, however, you have identified his positive aspects too.
In order to promote happiness in your marriage, focusing on these positive aspects more will make for healthier relations and satisfaction in the relationship.
Rekindle things
Often couple needs to rekindle the sparks in a marriage every now and again to nurture the love between them. There are several ways this can be done.
Do something fun. The couple might feel that their marriage feels boring when they are just doing the same things day after day.
A way to overcome this is to do something fun together. Try something different. Either do something completely new together such as taking up a new hobby, or just simply block out the time to do something nice together like going for a walk.
You can make this a regular date for a while and switch things up every now and again, maybe going out for coffee or lunch another time.
Either way, just blocking out that time to be alone together can keep things fresh in the relationship and allow a good space to just chat about anything and everything. It will also give you both the security that amongst all other commitments, you have separated that time for your relationship development.
Work on common goals. Doing a task that requires you to work together on common goals can be another way to strengthen a relationship as it requires you to work together on the same thing towards the same goal using teamwork.
It might be that you sign up to some kind of course together, or start a new hobby together, or even something in the home like redecorating a room together. This cooperation on the task can help to strengthen bonds and increase cooperation in the relationship also.
Spend time apart also. Sometimes being with someone often, like a spouse, you can take certain qualities for granted and get irritated with minor things that irritate you. A way to overcome this is to spend a little time apart also.
When this occurs, the couple will soon come to miss one another as they focus more on the nice things and positive qualities that they miss in the person. To achieve this, you could go and stay with a family member for a couple of days as a means to not only maintain family ties but also strengthen your marriage.
Summary
Overall, do keep in mind that the majority of marriages done ups and downs and will not remain as vibrant as they were during the first months. The way you manage this, however, can ensure that your marriage remains alive and happy.
This can be achieved by accepting the challenges and relishing the beauty of marriage.
This is further done by focusing on the positives and making sure to dedicate time exclusively to one another through mutual tasks and doing fun things, but also spending a little time apart every now and again too.
May Allah bless your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.
A New Marriage Takes Adjustment
16 January, 2017
QSalam! I'm really troubled, so please help me ASAP. I will start from the very beginning so I can provide you with more info. I was born in Pakistan and now live in the US. Since I was in high school, I have been getting marriage proposals from the US and from Pakistan, too. My dad loves me a lot so he did not want to send me to Pakistan, and I personally didn't want to go either. Another fact is that I didn't want to get married yet, but my mom was always worried about what the society will say if I don't get married at this age. My mom is so nice, ma sha' Allah, and I always take her advice in everything. I was 20 when I got tired of receiving new proposals every week, and my mom was getting frustrated that none of them worked out. And then someone came who my parents loved. He is from Pakistan, memorized the entire Qur'an, and was ready to move to the US after getting married. Like always, I told my parents as you wish, I will get married to whoever you say. They did istikharah and said yes to them. They let us talk on the phone to get to know each other since it was a long distance relationship. I was not ready to be in a relationship and was doing this just to please my parents. When I turned 21, my parents took me to 'Umrah and we got married there. I hardly got to know this person, even though we did talk at least 4 times every week before marriage, but what significance a phone conversation can do. Anyway, he and his family are really nice, ma sha' Allah, I have no complaint about them. After the marriage ceremony, I came back to the USA and he went back to Pakistan. We even started talking on Skype since our marriage was done. He was always eager to talk to me while I just wanted to ignore him, to be honest. We did the paperwork and he came to the US. Our marriage was consummated three weeks ago, and since then we're living together. There hasn't been a single day that I felt happy with him. He does nothing to hurt me, but I simply don't love him. I don't have any feelings towards him. How can I sleep with a person when I don't even want to sit with him? I don't feel like talking to him, rather running away from him. I don't want to see his face, even though he is not bad looking at all. I cannot look at him as my husband. I told my mom about this and she said to pretend at first, then I will get used to it. I tried that, but I feel trapped inside. I haven't done anything but crying during these three weeks. I feel bad for him because he says he wants to see his wife happy, but I am not happy at all. I'm happy when he is not around. I told my mom that I can't live with him like this; I prefer dying, so please get me separated from him. But then she started crying and said if I want to see her dead, then go ahead and get separated. My question is why I should live with a person I don't feel happy with? Please help me. I'm crying all the time and this does not make anyone happy. If he tries to come close to me, I push him away and that hurts him, but I can't control myself. I don't want to live with him. Does Islam tell us to live with a person you feel attracted towards? Is it even possible to live with someone you don't want to live with?
ANSWER
Karim Serageldin
16 January, 2017
Answer:
As-Salaamu ’Alaikum sister,
I feel for you, being in a new marriage takes adjustment. When my sister got married and moved away from our family, she cried and called us every day. Over time, she adapted and found joy in bonding with her husband and building her future family. I believe your mother gave good advice when she said “pretend at first then you will get used to it.”
The reality is that you chose this marriage, sister, by giving full authority to your parents to decide for you who to marry and when to marry. You said: “I told my parents as you wish, I will get married to whoever you say.”
It is unfortunate that you feel you wish you did not get married, but you did play a role in this. Focus on the bright side. You said that your husband is attractive, a good person and your parents like him. You said he does not hurt you or treat you bad. Thus, the sadness and feeling of wanting “to run away from” may be linked to:
getting married too soon to someone you don’t know as deeply as you would like
realizing your life has suddenly changed and you are having trouble adapting
you are having withdrawals from being with family and miss being at home
To address the above points, reflect on the following, sister:
You trust your parents and you know they love you, so trust in this marriage path that they facilitated. Give it more time and try to be open to the good of your situation. All marriages take adjustment; you are not the first or the last one to go through this life transition.
You may feel you do not love him right now, but perhaps the love will grow over time and with sincere effort. I am not sure what you expect love is supposed to look and feel like, but if he is a good person and he treats you well, it is likely that you will grow feelings for him.
If you feel you are not ready to engage in physical intimacy with him, then express that you are uncomfortable for the time being. Take it slow and practice non-sexual touch so that you are not traumatized by anything too intense at first. If he is a good person, I am sure he will understand.
My last point of advice is to take measures not to get pregnant so that you can focus on your personal and marriage development. Give it an honest chance, and if after a year you still feel the same way, then you may want to address this with your parents once you have more substantial experiences around the incompatibility of the relationship.
In-Laws Always Criticize Me
25 August, 2017
QI married my husband a couple of months ago, and I am now pregnant. Since day one, my mother-in-law has been trying to control me according to her wishes. I was not aware of their life style, otherwise, I would have rejected this proposal. My mother told her that I did not know how to cook and she was ok with it at that time, but after a week they started asking me to do kitchen work. They have been criticizing me a lot and my father-in-law started speaking harshly with me. They don't like that I visit my parents, my father-in-law talked badly with my parents on three occasions, but my parents didn't say anything in return. They always accuse me that I don’t take care of their son, I don't know how to cook,…etc. My husband currently works in one of the Gulf countries, and my mother-in-law calls him all the time. I feel pressure all the time as my husband is always on his mother’s side. He doesn’t like that I am not following his mother’s commands. He is not happy with me.
ANSWER
Layla Al Qaraqsi
25 August, 2017
In this counseling answer:
“I would suggest that you first try to win the friendship and trust of all parties; your mother-in-law, father-in-law, and husband. When you do this, you would be more believed and supported when you complain to your husband and asks him to support you. Hopefully, in sha’ Allah, when there would be some mutual understanding between you and your mother-in-law, there would be a positive change in the attitude of your father-in-law and your husband, too.”
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
May Allah (swt) send His blessings on your marriage and your baby and give you the strength, patience, and wisdom to build a happy and successful Muslim family that is surrounded by love, mercy, and warmth. Amen.
You sound being under so much pressure that you are not able to enjoy your new married life. It is somehow normal to feel some pressure in the beginning of married life. Of course, the pressure could be more if a woman starts her married life in her husband’s family home. Being a new member of a family could be an uneasy experience. In fact, any new experience or change in one’s life is usually challenging in the beginning. However, new experiences could also be sources of excitement and aspiration and an opportunity of learning and growth.
Marriage brings together two people who come from different families with different backgrounds and lifestyles. It is not only a relation between two persons but a total merge of two families with all their differences. Hence, it would require from both sides to exert some effort in getting to really know, understand, and accept each other. However, such efforts are worthwhile and rewarding for all.
…”and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another.” (Quran, 49: 13)
It seems from your letter that the main challenges you are going through come from your mother-in-law and that her influence has reached your father-in-law and your husband. Let us first think of the reasons that could be behind the actions you dislike from your mother-in-law. Maybe when you know the reasons, you would be able to deal with her actions in a wise way that would make her rethink of her thoughts, feelings, and behavior toward you and change them to the better, in sha’ Allah.
One way that could help you in knowing the reasons behind her actions is to know her better and know her way of thinking. To know someone, you can ask people who are close to her. You can talk to your husband and ask him to tell you more about his mother and what she likes and dislikes. This could even be something that your husband would appreciate and would make him realize that you are not against his mother.
You could also try to get to know your mother-in-law through having conversations with her every now and then. Try to start some friendly conversations about different topics with her. From there you will be able to understand her more and she will understand you more. You could take this opportunity to talk to her about cooking; you can tell her, for example: “I know that I am still not good at cooking, but I want to learn, and I would be happy if you teach me and give me some good advice.”
One of the things that make a mother-in-law treat her daughter-in-law in a somewhat harsh or a controlling way is her fear that her daughter-in-law might take her son from her. She might fear that the daughter-in-law might take control over the house or take her role. In fact, each one of you has an important role and no one can take the role of the other. You are a wife and she is a mother. Your husband needs both roles in his life. Besides, your husband is not a property of anyone; he is a human being who has different relationships.
When you befriend her, you will be sending her a message that you are not a threat to her. You will show her that you will never take her role as a mother or in managing the house. You indicate to her that you could even be like another daughter to her. You will be sending her a message that threatening is not your goal at all. Your goal is to live a happy married life with your husband and among people who love you and you love them.
As for your husband, I know that you are in need of your husband’s support in this situation. Of course, you have the right that your husband supports you when you are being mistreated and tries to solve your problems with his parents. However, at this early stage of your marriage when he still does not know you completely, and he does not live with you all the time, he would be unable to feel the details of the situation in the house. He would be unable to empathize with you if you tell him about what is going on with you. So, it might not be suitable now that you complain to your husband about his mother. He might take the side of his mother more and feel that you are being offensive of his mother.
For all this, I would suggest that you first try to win the friendship and trust of all parties; your mother-in-law, father-in-law, and husband. When you do this, you would be more believed and supported when you complain to your husband and asks him to support you. Hopefully, in sha’ Allah, when there would be some mutual understanding between you and your mother-in-law, there would be a positive change in the attitude of your father-in-law and your husband, too.
I pray Allah (swt) you will find your way in bringing peace and serenity to your new life among your new family, in sha’ Allah.
Please feel free to send us back and tell us how things went with you. We would be glad to help in sha’ Allah.
Adjusting To Marriage: Tips For Newly Married Couples
01 June, 2018
QSalam. I am a Muslim from India. Alhamdulillah, my family lives in Saudi Arabia for 25 years. I was born and brought up in Saudi Arabia. After my school, my mother, siblings and I went to India for higher studies while my father stayed in Saudi Arabia working.
After getting my MA degree, I found someone who was my classmate. We had a beautiful relationship for 6 months; everything was perfect like a dream. Then he proposed to me and I was not sure, because marriage is a big thing and I only knew him for 6 months which, I think, is not enough. But he insisted on getting married. He even cried when I refused. He said he loved me deeply and finally convinced me to get married. I loved him, too. As my parents would have never allowed a love marriage, he created the story to seem like an arranged marriage.
My parents were actually looking for a groom for me, and they found him and it all happened as they wanted. Our parents met and we got married. Now, after a year of marriage, I feel I don’t want to stay with him. Soon after the marriage, we started arguing a lot. Our views don’t match and our families are totally the opposite regarding many things. Still I adjusted; I worked all day making food, cleaning the house, washing utensils, and washing bathrooms, which I have never ever done in my entire life as I was brought up in a very special way. Still I didn’t complain about it.
But after doing all these, he argues with me, even on little things. He loudly insults me in front of everyone, even in front of my parents. He is sometimes very good; he brings gifts for me, takes me out, but even if we are enjoying the outing, something always happens and his temper rises. He is very short tempered. Then he starts fighting with me and then we have to rush back to home in order to stop creating a scene in the public.
Please guide me what I should do. I really loved him, and he also loved me, but I don’t know what’s wrong with him. We are staying in Saudi Arabia now as he is working here now. But I feel I am not his wife, but just a maid who can get scolded any time. I tried speaking to him about it, and he said sorry, but as soon as he gets angry again, he forgets everything. I pray a lot to Allah, but I don’t know what Allah has for me.
One more thing: there was another guy in my college who used to like me, but never said. I came to know about it through my friends before my marriage. We became friends through Facebook and started chatting as friends. He keeps in touch with me asking about my wellbeing, etc. Before my marriage he also proposed me, but I was deeply in love with my husband at that time, so I said no to him, but he still remained a good friend of mine. Now after 1 year, he keeps talking to me when we are free and tells me that he misses me and wants to marry me. He knows what I am going through as he is my only friend. He is a well-settled guy from a good family, and he is very serious about me; he wants my approval then he will talk to his parents about our marriage.
Many times I feel why I married my husband when I could have got a good husband. Why has Allah done this with me? In my mind, it is coming again and again that I should leave my husband and marry the other guy. My heart steps back, but when he misbehaves with me, I feel I deserve a better life, a better partner; not luxurious life but a little love and care. Please help me. Should I marry the other guy or struggle my entire life with my husband?
ANSWER
Atika Ali Hussein
01 June, 2018
In this counseling answer:
• Lower your expectations and create that love in the relationship.
• Be patient. Try to ignore little things and try to avoid big fights because nagging often results in misery.
Salam ‘Aleikum,
It is unfortunate to know that you have been facing a difficult time, but don’t all relations go through this? Don’t we get into fights with our siblings and friends? When it comes to marriage, it requires a lot of effort because two different people begin to live together. It is certainly not easy because you are not only sharing a room, but you are sharing your lives.
As you are married for only one year, I advise you to give it some time. Anger, frustration, and expectation often lead human beings to take impatient decisions. Don’t do that. Initially, when you two were in love, things were perfect because you were not living with each other. For this reason, you two were unaware of the routine, habit, and practices of the other.
For a girl, leaving her house and her life is not easy. It takes courage and time to adjust. There is no need to rush or worry. It is the time to strengthen the bond between you two. If the household chores and the immediate responsibilities disturb you, try finding a solution. Maybe you can keep a maid, or maybe you can ask your husband to help you with some of the work like dishwashing on weekends. You can distribute work. Or maybe you can divide the days throughout the week. It’s natural to live a different life now than what you had at your parents’ home, and Allah (swt) will surely reward you for your patience.
You say you struggle with financial issues. Maybe you can work – even from home.
I recommend you to lower your expectations and create that love in the relationship. If there is something that troubles you about your spouse, concentrate on any other good trait. If he gets angry, tell him to pray regularly and you do the same. Ask Allah (swt) and things will get better, in sha’ Allah.
Maybe you can help him control and reduce his anger. For this, another important key to a successful marriage is communication. Talk to him and let him know what hurts you. Make him realize that now he must learn to control his anger. You can aid this process simply by rewarding him with his favorite dish when he tries to control his tone.
There are some days when you should remain quiet. Be patient. Try to ignore little things and try to avoid big fights because nagging often results in misery. Love him and show it to him. Make him realize that he is important.
Also, remember to give your spouse some space. Let him go out with friends and follow an exercise routine because, as females, we often forget the mounting workload, office problems, and responsibilities men have.
The other friend is certainly a mistake. You are supposed to concentrate on your marriage and straighten up things rather than finding a refuge in this person. If you want peace or a break from all these fights, pray, go out with female friends, or indulge in activities as it is vital for mental progression. Break off all your connections with this person because if he was the right one, you would have chosen him when he first proposed to you. As a matter of fact, if he truly loves you, he would have certainly not stepped into the life of a married woman.
In addition, stop discussing your marital problems with an outsider. Your marriage will be successful when you end all connections and stop the thought of marrying someone else, in sha’ Allah. Put in some effort and stop resorting to the easy way of getting out of a relationship. Have faith in Allah (swt) because things will certainly get better with time.
If you need further help, or you feel you cannot solve your issues alone, I advise you to seek marriage counseling with your husband or even alone.
Newly Married Life Feels Miserable
23 December, 2017
QSalam. I got married in last December to my cousin who lives in the UK. Although we were cousins, we had no contact with each other but started chatting 3 months before our marriage. During that time, he talked to me like he would talk to any normal person. After our wedding, both of us were very happy.He is a quiet person and doesn’t like to show his emotions, and I had no problem with it because we were together, and I was able to see his reaction (facial expression). In general, my impression was that he was good, but sometimes selfish and cold like on our honeymoon. He was constantly on his phone/laptop, and if I would ask him to get me anything, he would say “go get yourself”. I didn’t like this because I had the image that the husband is the head, and he has to take care and protect his wife. But he wanted me to act like an independent woman doing everything on her own. For example, he used to sleep late on our honeymoon and expected me to go out and have breakfast alone.We stayed together for 17 days after our wedding, and then he went back to the UK. In the first week back, he was busy (according to him) and made very little contact. I told his parents about it (as they asked). His father asked him about it, and he got angry. Now it’s been 6 months, and he tells his parents that he is in regular contact with me, but the truth is that he hasn’t contacted me at all. We exchanged only 7-8 emails. I have said already sorry about telling his parents, but he still doesn’t talk to me regularly.One more thing I need to tell you: we haven’t consummated our marriage yet. We tried but couldn’t complete it. Please help me! I don’t want to give up on him, but he is not talking to me. I feel miserable. I never expected anything like this. He has blocked me on social media as well after I sent my picture wearing sleeveless shirt. Is this wrong? I just wanted to remind him of me. I have lost some weight and have become very depressed. Please help!
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
23 December, 2017
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing in to our live session. First of all, congratulations on your marriage! May Allah bless you both in your marriage. I am sorry to hear of your issues with communication with your husband. The first year of marriage can be a blissful one, yet it is also a trial and error period wherein two people joined as one are getting to know each other. Ideally, when you marry, you should be living together in order to get to know one another and develop that loving bond as well as learning about each other. However, as your husband is in the UK and you are not, it brings more difficulties. As you discussed what was going on with the lack of communication, the often coldness and anger you felt from him as well as the fact that you have not yet consummated your marriage, brings me to several points.
If he was friendly to you before marriage and changed afterwards, it may be due to insecurities, especially as you were not able to consummate your marriage. While you did not say why, I can only assume (Allah forgive me if I am wrong) it was because he could not perform? If this is the case, then his current behavior is reflective of disappointment in himself as a man, as a husband who desires to please his wife, as well as the fear that he may continue to fail in regards to consummating the marriage. This is a very sensitive issue for men.
His avoidance of you, lack of communication and so forth is an effort to not be further embarrassed, questioned or asked to be intimate. Another possibility, since you mentioned he was on the computer all the time, is that prior to his marriage to you he, as many young men, became addicted to pornography which can have negative consequences on performance. I am not saying this is the case sister, but I am trying to look at all angles. It may also be due to an undisclosed medical condition, medication, performance anxiety as well as many other things.
Communication is vital in marriage as you know. I suggest dear sister that you approach your husband in a loving manner and express your desire to be close to him. Express your desire to work things out with him. Continue to write him, encourage him, and express your desire for a wonderful marriage. In sha’ Allah, in time, he will feel secure and safe enough to start communicating with you again. It is my feeling that he is going through something, and it has nothing to do with you.
"Communication is vital in marriage as you know. I suggest dear sister that you approach your husband in a loving manner and express your desire to be close to him."
I would also suggest that you set a time limit on his behaviors of communication, only for your own sense of progress in this matter. You did not mention when he is coming home next, but perhaps this may be the time when you can sit down with him and discuss your needs in this marriage and ask him for his feedback and ask him if he can provide some solutions.
Lastly, do not give up dear sister! This marriage is too new to throw in the towel. As stated, he may be feeling some shame and loss of manhood due to the marriage not being consummated. I would give him time, and if all else fails, when he gets home and after you have spoken with him, you may want to suggest marital counseling to get at the root of the problem.
Make du’aa’ dear sister as Allah (SWT) knows best and is our ultimate healer.
My Newly Wife’s Past Bothers Me
15 April, 2017
QDear counselor, I am a 30-year-old Muslim man who recently got married to a girl. She is 23 years old. We were engaged for 9 months, and then I married her. It was an arranged marriage (meaning the families were involved). She was interested in marrying me, and she says she got married to me by her own choice.A week after the marriage, she told me that she was in a relationship with another guy during her college days for five years. She used to talk and sometimes go out with the guy, but she told me that she never committed any major sin like fornication during the entire period. I told her that she should have told me this prior to marriage. She said that she didn’t want to start our marriage with a lie.The guy forced her not to get married and threatened her multiple times, but she wanted to get married by the will of her parents. She said that she was under so much stress from the other guy. The guy was forcing her to run away, but she did not want to do so as it would bring bad name to the family.Now I am quite confused: shall I continue my marriage with a girl who was involved with a guy for 5 years? She should have told the truth to me before getting married to me! Please help and advice me from an Islamic perspective as well as from psychological point of view.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
15 April, 2017
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
As I am not an Islamic Scholar, I can only advice you from a relationship perspective. However, AboutIslam’s scholar suggests not uncovering what Allah has already chosen to cover for you. If He Most High has covered your past sins, it is not right that you should bring it up to your future spouse. In Islam, we are told that once we repented, we are not to disclose our sins. Perhaps, that is why she did not tell you before marriage, but why she told you a week later, I do not know. Maybe she got some misguided information from someone who said she has to tell you.
Nonetheless, you are married, and she disclosed something very painful to you – for both of you I am sure. She must have trusted you enough to tell you. Why would you want to divorce her; for the act of uncovering her sin to you, or because she was in a “relationship” before you? This “relationship” by the way sounds like one that abusive towards her: “The guy forced her not to get married and threatened her multiple times,”…that doesn’t sound like fun.
At any rate, dear brother, I do not mean to sound mean, but have you ever sinned? We all do. No one is perfect. If she repented (which I am sure she did), then it is between her and Allah. She married you, not him. She is making a life with you, not him. It sounds brother that she was even perhaps afraid of him.
I would suggest dear brother that you accept and love your wife, grow with her in happiness and love, and let Allah be the judge. You married her present and future, not her past. And I am quite sure you will begin to understand that none of us are perfect – there is no such thing. Seeking perfection in a wife, or child or spouse is unrealistic.
Focus on her good qualities and the reasons you chose her and she chose you, and let the past lie dead. There is no sense in destroying lives and hurting others by divorce when she has done nothing wrong to you. I can understand your shock dear brother, but I ask you to try to get past it, pray to Allah for strength to get through this, and enjoy a very blessed and happy marriage.
After a Horrible First Night, Husband Hasn’t Had Sex with Me
12 April, 2020
QAssalamu Aleikom. I married my husband 11 months ago.
We had never met before and spoke to each other once on the phone before we married.
When we got married, like all brides, I was shy and nervous about my wedding night.
As someone who is also a virgin, I was extremely scared.
My husband approached me that night for sex, and I was not able to return his sexual advances because of fear.
He asked me if I wanted to and I said no.
He told me it was okay.
After that he did not touch me for a whole week until we went to our honeymoon where on our first night he approached me again.
This time I was less nervous and scared so I attempted at a sexual relationship.
It was horribly painful for me and out of pain I asked him to stop.
He did and said we’d try again sometime else.
It’s been 11 months since this happened and my husband has not touched me again.
I have tried to speak to him about it, asking him why are we lacking in this part. I even asked him if medically he was okay to which he said he was.
I have asked him repeatedly and he said “I can’t forget what you did to me, you insulted me.
You never wanted me.”
I tried to explain to him that I was scared and in pain but he keeps saying to me that now he is not prepared to have sex
and that he just doesn’t feel the same anymore.
He said he needs a couple of months, but he’s been saying that for the last 11 months.
He keeps repeating the same thing, “you insulted me, you’ve insulted me I won’t come near you”.
Our relationship is coming towards a breaking point as I crave a child and without this, we will never have children.
And 11 months in, I do not think my husband will change.
I lay next to him in bed every night and have given up hope for anything to get better.
What shall I do?
He’s a very arrogant and egoistic man.
Whatever I say to him does not make a difference.
ANSWER
Megan Wyatt
12 April, 2020
In this counseling answer:
Shift your focus away from sex and instead focus on pleasurable touch.
Create a loving physical connection as a couple.
Emotional trust, regular physical touch, and the foreplay leading up to sex are so important in a marriage.
If after three months of loving touch and kind effort there is no change,
it may be the time to involve a third party to discuss what else is going on inside of him.
After a Horrible First Night, Husband Hasn’t Had Sex with Me - About Islam
Husband and Wife on the Path to Allah
As-Salamu Aleikom,
Thank you for emailing in with your question.
I’m sorry to hear that your start to your marriage has been rocky so far.
Insha’Allah, you can find some suggestions that can help you both come together soon.
It seems the first challenge that needs to be tackled is helping your husband heal from the hurt he has felt.
He may have felt you didn’t desire him.
It seems the rejection was extremely difficult for him to overcome and the embarrassment lingers to this day.
You’ve done the right thing in reaching out to him and explaining what happened the first time around.
After a Horrible First Night, Husband Hasn’t Had Sex with Me - About Islam
That being said, the whole concept of sex has so much pressure built up around it that he may prefer to just stay away altogether.
So, I’d like to invite you to shift your focus away from sex and instead focus on pleasurable touch.
Create a loving physical connection as a couple.
For most normal and healthy couples, there need to be a few things in place for satisfying sexual intercourse to take place for both people:
1) Emotional safety – both people feel they trust their partner and are emotionally safe in their presence.
2) Physical warm-up – a chance for both people to be in the mood for sex.
They engage in foreplay like kissing, cuddling, massaging each other, etc.
3) The willingness to explore what brings pleasure to the other person.
All three of these are missing right now, so let’s look at some concrete steps you can take to develop them.
It’s going to take time, patience, an open heart, and a strong desire to change the way you are both relating to each other for the past eleven months.
Use Gentle Touch to Develop Emotional and Physical Closeness
First, I’d encourage you to simply touch.
Pat him on the shoulder, put your hand on his knee while he drives, or brush your hand on his arm once and then put it down.
Gently touch his hair in the morning or offer him a hug in the morning before he heads to work.
Just reach out and start back from the beginning which you both didn’t have a chance to develop because of how things unfolded.
If he responds positively to this after a few weeks,
you’ll know that trust is slowly developing.
A sign of a positive response may simply be not pushing you away.
He may not say a whole lot, but if he doesn’t complain, then it’s a win.
Check out this counseling video:
From there, become a little more daring with your touch.
Aim to keep it lighthearted and remember that you aim to use the power of your touch to heal something that is really big.
It’s likely much bigger than you too.
Being rejected by a woman for sex is really metaphorical for many men even if one has never approached a woman before.
Consider joining him in the shower once a week,
asking him to hold you in bed for a few minutes at night,
and taking walks together on the weekend where you hold his hand or grab his arm.
Find reasons and ways to touch each other.
Allow Desire to Develop Naturally
It might feel really hard to be patient,
but if you allow desire to develop between both of you naturally, then sex will happen the right time and for the right reasons.
It won’t be about “having to have sex” or “having to try for a child”, but it can be out of a loving desire for each other.
Then your bodies will also be more primed to have sex, especially yours.
“For women, vaginal lubrication is an important part of sexual arousal.
It readies the vagina for penetration, making it easier for the penis to enter and reducing any accompanying friction or irritation.
Pain during intercourse is often caused by inadequate lubrication.”
It’s highly likely you experienced pain because your body wasn’t ready for sex due to nervousness.
This is totally normal!
It was your first time having sex and you were having it with a man you didn’t even know!
Even women who have been married for over ten years and know their husband extremely well,
fully trust him,
and have had enjoyable sex many times can still struggle with being ready for intercourse.
This is why emotional trust,
regular physical touch,
and the foreplay leading up to sex are so important in a marriage.
Your Desires Matter Too
Your desires for sex and to have children are completely within your rights as a married Muslim woman.
Your husband is not allowed to continue to deny you for much longer without it becoming oppressive to you.
There will be many situations in a marriage where you both accidentally hurt each other’s feelings.
This is an opportunity to develop better communication strategies to tackle what’s to come down the road.
As demands haven’t worked, I’ve suggested the other steps above.
You don’t have to follow them,
but I am hopeful for you it will break the ice slowly but surely
and help you build the kind of marriage you both want to be in.
If after three months of loving touch and kind effort there is no change,
it may be the time to involve a third party to discuss what else is going on inside of him.
So, don’t stop advocating for your needs
but create a new environment for some time to see if they’ll be met with love and desire rather than a conversation about rights and demands.
You deserve, no matter how upset he was from the beginning of your marriage, to treat you kindly.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said,
“The most perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose behavior is most excellent;
and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)
May Allah guide you both to develop a loving marriage for His sake and find a new way of connecting with each other.