Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other’s emotional needs again.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other happy, and avoid what might upset or annoy the other. Couples can achieve this state only through meeting each other’s psychological, emotional and physical needs.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective

From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind, 'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.

Couples can return to the state of intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting each other's emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr. Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love is "the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on the other hand, usually do not affect the love bank much. Similarly, habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love bank withdrawals.

As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a husband needs from his wife and what a wife needs from her husband.

Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective

As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first century were not any different from what Allah Almighty, and his Messenger  taught us fourteen hundred years ago.

Marriage unites the souls

The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allah Says (what means): "…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…" [Quran 2: 187]

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort, grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his.

The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allah Says (what means): "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Quran 30: 21]

Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage

Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights, responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build their relationship on mutual love, respect, and mercy. Here are the most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.

1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way of life, it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. Couples with strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in developing a loving relationship.

Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge together, become closer. They love and please Allah through loving and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allah are excellent facilitators for enhancing their family's spiritual development and commitment to Allah and His Religion.

2. Forgiving: When the Prophet  said to his Companions, may Allah be pleased with them: "Do you wish that Allah should forgive you?" They said, 'of course, O Prophet of Allah.' He  responded: 'Then forgive each other.'"

One of the main components of a happy marriage is forgiveness. It is a challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the other. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.

3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of our differences.

4. Feelings: The Prophet  stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples must be very careful not to hurt the feelings of each other and if they inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind honestly with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually depriving one of being appreciated in return.

7. Unconditional giving: The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is Perfect.

What every Muslim parent needs to know about sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is a scary word. When most people  hear the phrase, they immediately cut off emotionally and stop listening. Why? People are afraid because they don’t know much about the topic and do not want to feel powerless. We hope and pray that this will never happen to our children, but Allah has given us a brain and we are supposed to use it. Like the well-stated Prophetic narrationnarrated by Ibn Hibbaan  that a man asked the Prophet  whether he should fetter his camel or would dependence on Allah suffice in retaining the beast. The Prophet  answered: "Fetter it and depend (on Allah)."This direct command given by the Prophet  leaves no doubt as to the necessity of working the cause while adopting dependence on Allah.

It is our responsibility to educate ourselves on this topic so that we can check Qadar (Islamic view of Divine preordainment) with Qadar. Take a look at the following statement regarding Qadar and our responsibility to act.

It had been narrated that 'Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, went back with the people and did not enter Syria when the plague spread there. Abu ‘Ubaydah Ibn Al-Jarraah, may Allah be pleased with him, said to 'Umar: “O Ameerul- Mu’mineen (the Commander of the Believers), are you running away from the Decree of Allah?” 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said: “If only someone other than you had said this, O Abu ‘Ubaydah! Yes, we are running away from the Decree of Allah towards the Decree of Allah. Do you not see that if you had a camel and you came to a valley where there were two patches of land, one green and fertile, and the other dry and barren, if you let it graze in the green land, you do so by the decree of Allah, and if you let it graze in the dry land, you do so by the decree of Allah” [Al-Bukhari]

Closing our eyes and hiding away from the topic is really like giving up. Obviously, Allah has granted us with the capacity to use our brain, so we must act. Child sexual abuse is when the child is used at an object for some kind of sexual satisfaction by an adult or older child (by five years old). The abuser uses manipulation, threats, exploitation and even physical force.

Let’s look at the different ways in which the predator takes advantage of his victims.

1.    Manipulation: “I will take you to the zoo if you take off your clothes and play with me”

2.    Exploitation: “I love you very much and I want to show you how much I love you.”

3.    Blackmail: “I will tell your father that you were naughty if you don’t let me play this game with you, of course they are going to believe me because you are always telling lies.”

The sexual abuser is seriously sick and will continue abusing children sexually until he is caught. His senses are heightened because he is following his perverted desires without caring about who he hurts to satisfy himself sexually. He is swimming in a sea of sin and oppression where an evil thing is the most attractive way of fulfilling his insecure desires. His perverted desires have taken him to levels that are hard to ever imagine. And the children that he touches are scared forever unless they let their parents or trust family members know what is happening. 

The child must be empowered; this is his right to stand up for his Allah-given rights not to be abused. They have a right to be educated.

Trust and honor are very sacred in Islam. Because these are powerful tools, this is one of the main tools of the offender. They will start to develop friendship with the child trying to be someone special in the child’s life. He is skating on thin ice, but his perverted satisfaction is like a hungry lion looking for food, never satisfied completely until he has manipulated this trust in order to fulfill his or her sexual gratification. 

It is important not to stereotype these offenders. They are from every kind of background. They encompass all races and socio-economic groups. Though the rate of sexual abuse is lower in Muslim countries, it does not mean that it doesn’t happen. So whether you live in a non-Muslim country or a Muslim country you need to know this information.

The Prophet  said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock…” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others]

It is imperative that parents never ever believe the lies that children secretly want to be abused. This is one of the most violating acts that a child could ever feel in his or her life. Generally speaking, most sexual abusers are older and understand what they are doing. It is imperative that you never ever blame a child for the offense. A parent’s reaction can have everlasting effects on the child either way. They could either lower the rope to help the child out of the deep dark hole, or they could be the one who lets him rot forever in shame and guilt that affects the child possibly for the rest of his or her life.

A Muslim poet once wrote,

“Our children are our hearts, walking among us on the face of the earth. If even a little breeze touches them, we cannot sleep for worrying about them.”

In addition, children do not lie about being sexually abused. Children do not make up stories that are scary and ugly. It is far from anything they could imagine.

Generally speaking, the offender is very secretive about these abuses. In order to protect the child he needs to coherce through the above methods so there will not be any evidence of a fight. If there were bruises or marks, this would incriminate the abuser.

It is impetrative that children are empowered by knowing that their body is theirs, staying in tune with what kind of touch is ok, having the right to stand up to the offender, and letting him or her know there are no secrets and he or she is going to tell. It is our responsibility to let our children know that they can tell us about what has happened to them.