Problems with mothers-in-law:

Problems between wives and their mothers-in-law mostly occur due to a clear reason: the mother’s love for her son. A wife has to know that the highest degree of kindness and mercy that could occur between two humans is that between the mother and her child, and mothers should not be blamed for this. When the Prophet  wept due to the death of his son Ibraaheem, he  was asked about this, and he replied: “This is mercy that Allah created in His servants' hearts.” [Al-Bukhari]

Allah The Almighty casts mercy into mothers’ hearts. Thanks to this mercy, mothers are compassionate and merciful to their children and make them her first concern. A wife is required to understand this. However, if the wife surrenders to jealousy, she will try to sever kinship ties between her husband and his mother and father. By doing so, she would incur the wrath of Allah The Almighty. There are many mothers whose hearts bleed due to the harm that their daughters-in-law do to them. Allah The Almighty knows best that there are many fathers and mothers who weep because of the injustice and harm of their daughters-in-law. A believing woman has to fear Allah The Almighty and be kind to her in-laws.

The consequence of undutifulness:

If a woman encourages her husband to act unjustly and sever ties with his parents, she should know that inevitably Allah The Almighty will punish her as well as her husband someday. Undutifulness to one's parents is one of the sins for which punishment is received in this worldly life. Some scholars say that if a woman encourages her husband to be undutiful to his parents, she commits two misdeeds:

First: she is her husband’s partner in being undutiful to his parents, and we seek refuge in Allah from this,


Second: she severs her kinship ties.

It was related in some traditions that the misdeed which is immediately punished in this life in addition to the punishment of the Hereafter is severing kinship ties. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {So would you perhaps, if you turned away, cause corruption on earth and sever your [ties of] relationship? Those [who do so] are the ones that Allah has cursed, so He deafened them and blinded their vision.} [Quran 47: 22-23]

Some scholars say that Allah The Almighty hardens the heart of the person who severs kinship ties. Therefore, no matter how much he is admonished and no matter how many signs he sees, his heart is not awakened. We ask Allah to safeguard us from that. Even if his heart does awaken, that will not be for long. This is why when someone complains to scholars about hardness of the heart, they ask him about how strong he maintains his kinship ties.

A woman who encourages her husband to sever his kinship ties severs her own and does not obey the orders of Allah regarding her husband and her relatives. Rather, a woman has to bear with her parents-in-law and seek the reward from Allah The Almighty.

In-Laws interference:

If the husband's parents are harmful to her, she is required to consult scholars about what should be done. Sometimes, the couple’s parents interfere in their children’s married life, which makes both spouses uncomfortable. In such a case, both the husband and the wife are required to weigh the harm against the advantages of maintaining strong relations with the interfering parent. If the evil of their interference is greater than the evil of keeping his wife away from her parents, in such a case, a husband has to keep his wife away from her parents, but allow her to visit them from time to time in order to show dutifulness to them. Likewise, when the husband's parents interfere in their son's marital life and cause harm, the wife in such a case has two options, either she adopts patience and seeks the reward from Allah The Almighty, and this is better and closer to perfection, or she weighs the extent of the harm. If the evils resulting from the in-laws’ interference are greater, she should ask her husband to keep her away from his parents.

Husbands, on their part, are required to be fair to their wives. If the husband observes that the parents’ interference in the marital affairs harms his life and his wife, who cannot be patient regarding that, he is required to fear Allah concerning his wife and protect her from his family and parents. If he keeps his wife away from his parents and lives away from them, he is not considered undutiful to them, because he is trying to protect his home from their harm. However, he is required to check on his parents and be dutiful to them. A son is allowed to do this because Allah neither commands injustice nor is pleased with it.

 

Allah The Almighty does not command injustice, and therefore it is improper to request the husband to remain close to his parents in order to satisfy his parents while they are a whip of torture, harm, evil and oppression against his wife. The same applies to the wife’s parents. Both the husband and the wife are required to fear Allah The Almighty and treat each other fairly. Hence, the situation should be weighed upon the scale of the Sharee‘ah. If there is great harm and the woman is patient, this is better and would be greatly rewarded. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {So give good tidings to My servants, who listen to speech and follow the best of it.} [Quran 39: 17-18]

Commenting on this verse, some scholars  said that "the best of it" refers to the best of the Quran. This is because the Quran includes what is good and what is best. In such a case, the wife has the right to return harm with the same level of harm and likewise the husband. The best of the Quran, however, is to return harm and evil with kindness and beneficence. Allah The Almighty refers to people who do so Saying (what means): {But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good].} [Quran 41: 35]

This is regarding the parents of both the husband and the wife. As for other kindred like brothers and sisters, both the husband and the wife are required to obey the orders of Allah The Almighty concerning their kinship. A brother might take the status of a father. Some scholars, including the Hanafi scholars  as well as others, are of the view that an elder brother replaces his dead father in being worthy of kindness and respect. Some scholars are of the view that paternal uncles replace fathers and likewise maternal aunts replace mothers. This is why the Prophet  said: “The maternal aunt is in the place of the mother.” [Al-Bukhari]

Consequently, if the wife has an elder brother who married her off or used to support and protect her, he is entitled to kindness and respect in the same way mentioned previously. Such kindness is not restricted to the wife's father; rather, it includes brothers and other kindred, even paternal uncles. It was narrated that the Prophet  said: “A man's paternal uncle is a peer to his father.” [Ahmad & Abu Daawood] This indicates that the paternal uncle takes the place of the father, and the maternal aunt takes the place of the mother. It was narrated that when a disputed arose regarding the custody of Hamzah's daughter, may Allah be pleased with him, the Prophet  commanded that she would be given to her maternal aunt and further he said: “The maternal aunt is in the place of the mother.” [Al-Bukhari]

This means that it is a duty to maintain good relations with all of one’s in-laws, not only parents-in-law. If a husband notices his wife's kindness and respect for her elder brother, he should understand - particularly if she is an orphan and her brother was the one who brought her up. A husband should be dutiful to this elder brother and honor him. A husband has a duty towards his brother-in-law like the duty he has towards his parents-in-law.

Our Muslim societies are in need of everyone to fulfill the rights of kinship. In the past, people cherished the rights of their in-laws, because people’s nature was wholesome. People would teach their sons and daughters to maintain kinship ties. Nevertheless, since values of upbringing have deteriorated in recent times and duties towards kin have been neglected, attention needs to be drawn to them. Muslims need to be further alerted on this subject and called to fulfill their duties towards their kin. Muslim scholars are required to draw Muslims’ attention to this.

The situation is so bad now that a husband might even sue his aged father-in-law. A judge in one of the Muslim countries relates, “The most difficult lawsuits that annoy me the most are to see an old man at the end of his life who has a respectable position versus a foolish, ignorant young man who scorns his [this old man’s] daughter within his hearing, scandalizes and humiliates him and does not observe the least of kinship rights. This makes my heart bleed, and sometimes I become too disturbed to pass a judgment due to what I see and hear.”

Where is obedience to the command of Allah to maintain kinship ties? We see old men at the end of their life being humiliated by their sons-in-law. Some husbands frequently go to their fathers-in-law only to complain to them about their daughters, criticize them, and expose their mistakes. The woman’s father could be sick yet his son-in-law would not have mercy on his old age.

Such behavior saddens the believer. It is obligatory to give this issue its due importance. Such negative behavior cannot be shunned unless we achieve two things:

The first is the righteous upbringing of our sons and daughters. They are to be directed to, educated and brought up to noble morals and maintaining kinship ties. Therefore, when the son gets married, he is grateful and fulfills his duty towards his wife's father and kinship. Likewise, the mother should teach her daughter and righteously direct to and teach her noble morals and the best habits.

The second is that all Muslims should exchange sincere advice. There have recently been many disputes among people and spouses and very few people offer sincere advice and admonition. Sorrowfully, one gets to see some men speaking lowly of their in-laws to friends or relatives, yet none of them tells him to fear Allah The Almighty, advises him to be grateful, or remind him that Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {And do not forget graciousness between you.} [Quran 2: 237]

It is obligatory for us to exchange advice, and it is also obligatory to revive that which Allah The Almighty commanded to be revived of fearing Him concerning kinship. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs [kinship].} [Quran 4: 1]

During the pre-Islamic era, it was the habit of the Arabs, even though they were misguided polytheists, that when there was a conflict between two men and one of them wanted to admonish, remind or even threaten the other, he would say to him, "I beseech you by Allah and kinship ties." Thereupon, the other would surrender and if the former wanted him not to do something, he would refrain; and if he wanted him to do something, he would obey. The reason behind this was their feeling of the greatness of kinship ties.

It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah  said: “You will conquer a land where Qiraat [a unit to measure land] is used. So, be kind to its nation, for they are [our] kin.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] By the land where Qirat is used, the Prophet  was referring to Egypt. He  told them that they would conquer that land where the Qiraat is used, and he  commanded them to be kind to its people due to kinship ties. That is because Haajar, the mother of Ismaa‘eel (Ishmael), may Allah exalt their mention, was from Egypt. Also, Maariyah the Coptic, the mother of Ibraaheem, the son of the Prophet  was from Egypt. The Prophet  commanded the Muslims to treat the Egyptians kindly and considered them kindred of the whole Ummah (Muslim nation). This is concerning distant kinship ties, so how about the close ones?

We must advise each other to fulfill these duties. When we attend gatherings and we observe someone abusing his wife's family, we are required to remind him of the punishment of Allah The Almighty and admonish him to fear Allah The Almighty. When we know about a problem between relatives that would lead to severing kinship ties, wise people are required to intervene for reconciliation. Such actions bring the satisfaction of Allah The Almighty who commands us to cherish kinship ties.