Question

Whenever I want to see or visit my sister, my wife creates a fighting atmosphere; she is suspicious that my sister might ask me to do something against her (my wife). In fact, I swear to Allah that my sisters never talked against my wife, and I have clarified this several times to my wife, but she never listens or understands. She is not even ready to accept my sisters as guests in my home. She also frequently visits a female friend that I dislike without my permission. Please advise me with what the Shariah suggests.

Answer

Brother, may Allah bless your family and make them the jewel of your eyes. This is a test from Allah, and you need to witness that Allah is the Most Wise and that there is a great reason for what you are going through. When we face problems in life, whether it be marital issues or anything else, we have to return to Allah, the Most Merciful and seek help from Him. Nothing happens in the dominion of Allah unless there is a great wisdom behind it. People are a test for one another; for your wife to be good with you is a favor from Allah, as Allah, the Most High, said about Zechariah, peace be upon him: {So We responded to him, and We gave to him John, and amended for him his wife. Indeed, they used to hasten to good deeds and supplicate Us in hope and fear, and they were to Us humbly submissive.} [Quran 21:90] Allah, the Most High, is the one who amended for him his wife, and it is because they used to hasten to good deeds and supplicate. Therefore, here are some of the things that you can do to face this test and be able to fix it by the will and help of Allah:

1- Repent to Allah, the Most Merciful, and increase in seeking forgiveness, as it relieves the person from all difficulties in this life and the Hereafter.

2- Seek the pleasure of Allah by increasing your good deeds. Allah, the Most High, says: {...And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out


and will provide for him from where he does not expect...} [Quran 65: 2-3]

3- Supplicate to Allah, the Most High. The hearts of all humans are under the control of Allah, the Most High. He alone can change the heart of your wife, so turn to Him and ask Him for help. So get up at night and pray and supplicate to Allah to make things easy for you and your wife.

4- Exert efforts to diffuse the reasons of enmity between your wife and your sister, discuss the matter with your wife, tell her that being kind to your sister is an order from Allah, the Most High, and that it is not conditioned by how kind she is to her, as the Prophet  said:

"The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does it because he gets recompensed by his relatives (for being kind and good to them); rather, the one who truly maintains the bonds of kinship is the one who persists in doing so even though the latter has severed the ties of kinship with him."  [Al-Bukhari]

5- Show by speech and actions to your wife that you understand her feelings and that you support her wholeheartedly but that you both need to be kind to others unconditionally, seeking rewards from Allah. So, basically, make your wife feel that you are on her side, and not against her and taking sides with your family. Instead tell her that you and her, as a husband and wife, need to please Allah by being kind to your relatives and hers.

6- Be kind to your wife’s family so that she can return this kindness to your family.

7- Give your wife the attention she needs and treat her with good manners; this might encourage her to be kind to your relatives. What is between you and your wife is much greater; therefore, with intimacy and kindness to your wife, things can get better.

8- Increase your kindness to your sister by speech and actions to offset any bad feelings she gets from your wife. Do not force your wife to visit your sister; you visit and be kind to her.

This is a test from Allah to see how you will fulfill the obedience of Allah in your relationships. May Allah bless your family and make it easy for you.

The role of the individual in Islam is not limited to fulfilling the five pillars. The Muslim in an Islamic community has a greater responsibility than is usually understood. All of a Muslim's activities in life are included as acts of worship depending upon the intention underlying them. Nothing is required from a Muslim beyond service to Allah The Almighty, and nothing is accepted from him, which is not a service. Every individual's responsibilities fall into two parts: his responsibility to adhere to the teachings of Islam and his responsibility to enjoin good and forbid evil – which is social reform. There is a reason why enjoining good and forbidding wrong comes first, even before faith. It emphasizes the Muslim's duty and implies faith can only be realized by certain actions, which maintains a relationship between the individual and society.

Neglecting these duties leads to widespread corruption and an increase in evils that consume the core of the community, such as the following:

Indifference: Muslims are commanded to play a positive role in their community and assist in enjoining matters of virtue and preventing evil by as much as they can. Many Muslims stray away from the right path because they do not find anyone to assist them and rescue them from straying in their communities, as those around them act indifferently. One should not underestimate any input he can give in such cases and consider the story of the imprisonment of Imam Ahmad  to see how effective a person can be if he takes the initiative and does not act indifferently. When Imam Ahmad  was imprisoned, a thief was with him in the same cell. The thief said to him, “O Ahmad! I persevere and tolerate the punishment I receive while I am upon falsehood and being punished for a sin. Would someone like you, who is suffering as a result of being upon the truth, not persevere and endure?" Thus, this thief played an important role in comforting and consoling Imam Ahmad  in a difficult situation.

Underestimating the harms of intermixing and neglecting to lower the gaze:

If members of a particular community give free rein to their sight, do not adhere to the Hijab (Islamic attire for women) and women wear perfume before leaving their homes, the most obvious outcome is the spread of immorality in the community. Immoral films, TV programs, obscene content on the internet and intermixing between the two sexes are other causes that have led to people committing sins and indulging in immorality. People nowadays mix with the opposite sex in universities, schools and workplaces, while Yoonus bin ‘Ubayd  said: “Never be in seclusion with a woman, even if you wish to teach her the Quran, and even if only you would be the one reciting."

Being ill-mannered: Many people possess three very evil qualities, namely: lying, cowardice and miserliness, and these are the worst three qualities a person can possess. There are also many other evil qualities that we must be mindful of and hold ourselves to account regarding, such as backbiting, badmouthing others and tale-bearing, while replacing them with praiseworthy qualities and morals.

The Salaf (righteous predecessors)  would rebuke themselves for every word they uttered, words which would be considered very normal to people nowadays. Maalik bin Dhayghan  said,

“Rabaah bin Qays once came asking for my father after the ‘Asr prayer, but he happened to be sleeping, so we informed him of this, to which he remarked: `Who would sleep at this time of the day?` Then he left. We sent a man after him to see if he wanted us to wake my father up for him, but this man did not return until it was time to pray Maghrib. When we asked him why he returned so late, he said: `I followed him to ask him, but found that he was headed to the graveyard while rebuking himself, saying: `What business is it of yours to ask this kind of question? Why do you ask what does not concern you? What is it to you when people go to sleep? People are free to sleep any time they desire, why did you indulge in what does not concern you?...`'”

Note how lightly such a question would be taken in our time, and how strongly he rebuked himself for asking it.

Severing ties with kinfolk: The most important of kinfolk are one's parents, and yet we find many people dealing with them in an inappropriate manner or even severing ties with them altogether. As for those who do try to fulfil the needs of their parents, many of them do it begrudgingly, while expressing discontent or complaining that it is a burden upon them. This is in spite of the fact that Allah The Almighty commands us to not say even the least expression of discontent in this regard, saying (what means): {…Say not to them [so much as] 'Uff,' and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.} [Quran 17:23]

The mother of Huthayl bin Hafsah  said,

“He would collect wood during the summer and peel off the outer layer of bark himself. Then, when winter would come, he would come to me whilst I was praying, light a brazier (in my room) and place the peeled wood in it, as this does not give harmful smoke. He would do so just so that I would be warm during prayer. He would do so even though we had a servant who could do the job. Whenever I thought of stopping him and commanding him to return to his family, I would remember why he was doing it, and thus I would allow him to continue."

Why was he doing this himself despite him having a servant who could have done it for him? It was nothing but a reflection of his full dutifulness towards his mother.

This type of nobility is not limited to ones parents; rather, one should be kind to all his relatives and even his fellow Muslims.

Wasting time: The issue of wasting time is a very important one indeed. We must be careful about it and hold ourselves to account regarding it because we spend much of our time uselessly instead of spending it in acts of obedience to Allah, as it should be utilized. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And it is He who has made the night and the day in succession for whoever desires to remember or desires gratitude.} [Quran 25:62]

Therefore, time was created so that we would fill it with acts of obedience to Allah, The Almighty but many people do the exact opposite of this. The Salaf (righteous predecessors)  were very keen to make use of every second of their time. Al-Hasan  said, “I have met some people who were stingier with their time than they were with their wealth.”

People nowadays waste their times in games, late nights, socializing, watching television and in vain talk. They may even go as far as doing so at the expense of their religious obligations, such as their daily prayers, and so on.

Wasting wealth: Many men cave in under pressure from their wives and children and therefore spend extravagantly, but when they are asked to spend in charity, one would find that they are so stingy that if they were to pull out two bills to give in charity, one would invariably return to his pocket. However, if this same person were to go to a restaurant, he would have no problem in spending multiples of this amount.

Allah The Almighty will ask us about our wealth because we were informed as such by the Prophet . Abu Barzah  reported, “The Messenger of Allah  said: Man's feet will not move on the Day of Resurrection before he is asked about his life and how he consumed it, his knowledge and what did he do with it, his wealth and how he earned it and how he disposed of it, and about his body and how he wore it out.’" [At-Tirmithi]

This does not imply that people do not spend generously or that there are no people who do any of the abovementioned matters correctly. The purpose of highlighting these points is to serve as a reminder for Muslims – at both the individual and community level – so that we realize the importance of these matters and hold ourselves to account with respect to them, as there are many of us who are failing to do so.