Question

I am 41 years old. When I was young, I was sexually abused for several years between the age of 8 and 12 by several, different men. I left home and travelled to Europe at the age of 21, where I met a guy and lived with him for 10 years. The relationship ended, and I tried to commit suicide, but Allah, the Most High, did not want me to die, as much as I hated to be a Muslim. I was angry with Allah and this world because of what had happened to me, which was out of my ignorance and not understanding my religion. I have become an upright Muslim; I pray and went to Haji and am doing my best, but I am damaged from what happened to me as a child. There are things that I still cannot stop, like masturbating. I see a doctor and am trying to be a good Muslim. I am trying to get married, and there is a good family who offered me their daughter, who is 20 years old. I have always been known as someone with good manners, but they do not know what I have been through. As a person, I avoid people, I do not have friends, I get angry very quickly, and there are too many issues that I have developed over the years because of what happened to me. I do not talk with my mum and brother because they are not pleased with the fact that I am religious. My question is: I am not sure if it would be oppressing for her or not to get married to her. I do not want to be an unjust person, especially given that I have been oppressed almost all of my life. I know that I am a wrongdoer, and it was my choice to live like a gay person. What does Islam say about me not talking to my mum and brother when they treat me very badly? My mum curses me every time I talk to her. I am angry with my mum because of what happened to me, and it comes out when we are talking, but she does not know what happened to me. My brother does know, as I was raped in front of him a couple of times. I blame my family for not looking after me when I was young; however, I always supplicate for them in my prayers. I ask Allah, the Most High, to die every day so that I may have some peace in my life. Please, please, please, answer my question.

Answer:

Brother, may Allah bless your life and make you steadfast on the Religion of Islam. It is a sign of goodness in you that you came a long way from darkness to light, from wrongdoing to righteousness, so never look back and keep going forward; it gets better day after day. Allah, the Most High, created us in such a way that we have that ability to change anything wrong that happens to us. He created us to worship Him alone. What you said about your childhood shows the importance of raising the children according to Islam, something that should make you more eager to have children to raise them properly so that the mistake is not repeated. You should definitely get married, and your worries can be taken care of if you apply the following by the Will of Allah:

1- If what you suffer is not something that a doctor would diagnose as a serious sickness that requires treatment and it is only because of what happened to you in the past, then you can overcome it with repentance and by being patient with yourself. Many people, when they repent to Allah from a dark past, expect recovery quickly, and that makes them impatient. As you know, for some physical illnesses you might take a few pills and you are fine, but others need a longer treatment. The same thing applies to sins; some sins take more time to heal from than others.

2- For Repentance to be sincere, it requires some sacrifices from you: leaving what you might be used to do, and adopting the entire religion of Islam.

3- Never leave a prayer in the masjid: praying in congregation is the way of the Prophet  and it strengthens the faith and keeps you steadfast.

4- Never be in despair from the Mercy of Allah, He is the Most Merciful. Shaytan (the devil) will always whisper to make you in despair that you will never change. Fight this whisper, and as mentioned before, be patient.

5- Seek help from Allah to be steadfast on the religion.

6- Be extremely kind to your parents, because Allah wants that from you. Be patient with their mistreatment of you, forgive them, and supplicate to Allah for them.

7- Never listen to your parents if they pressure you to disobey Allah or to become less religious, but at the same time, be extremely kind to them. Be assured that if you have this sincerity, your reward from Allah will be great; life is a test.

8- Allah is the Most Merciful and He accepts the supplications, so wake up at the last part of the night and beg from Allah and supplicate, then take the means that Allah gave you, and He will bless it for you, Allah willing.

May Allah make it easy for you, keep you steadfast, and bless your life.