Divorce is a personal decision to be undertaken with great care and consideration
However, most will agree that in cases of harm or abuse of any sort – or in cases of abandonment, humiliation, control, and nonfulfillment of obligations – it is in a couple’s best interest in this life and the next to end the marriage.
When is it time to divorce?
As Life Strategist and Leadership Coach Henrietta Szovati explains, “Marriage is not designed to complete you. It is to grow you.” She adds, “Your happiness does not depend on your partner, it is entirely your responsibility to make your life happy. If it isn’t, don’t blame your spouse.”
Henrietta laments that many women grow up thinking that marriage is a fairy tale. Instead, she insists, “Marriage is a reality job.”
Henrietta works with individuals who struggle to make sense of their role in their marriage. She empowers them to understand their emotions, step into their full self, and create the marriage they truly want. However, this also sometimes means accepting that they need to leave the marriage.
If one is being oppressed or mistreated in a marriage it is definitely time to take drastic actions to fix the situation, or end the marriage entirely.
The reality and responsibility of marriage
As the founder of Manifesting Muslimah, Zahra Summayah coaches and supports many new Muslimahs in maintaining their faith in the face of adversity and abuse.
Zahra shares that, for Muslims, the instructions for marriage and the rights of each spouse are clearly detailed. She insists, “What Muslim men need to understand is they are commanded by God to be caretakers of women and children. Their one level above is in regards to responsibility for women, not authority over them. [They need to understand] that every tear a wife sheds due to her husband’s mistreatment is a curse upon him by the angels.”
It’s clear to most that in cases of abuse, neglect, control, lack of respect, and poor communication, these hardships can lead to divorce. However couples also need to understand another crucial point.
When considering divorce, there are more gray areas than black and white. Financial stressors, irreconcilable challenges, meddling extended families, and cultural differences can all weigh a couple down and may necessitate divorce.
When considering the possibility of divorce, begin by examining yourself. This means first learning to embrace that you have faults and you’re work in progress. Make internal changes first to ensure you’re fulfilling your end of the marriage contract.
Being a responsible partner also means articulating and communicating your needs to your spouse. This can include setting boundaries or even walking away from dangerous and unhealthy relationships.
Having a healthy attitude towards marriage involves, “Accepting that your marriage will stretch you to your unimaginable limits” Henrietta explains. She advises couples to, “Surrender to the fact that you will be hurt, betrayed and disappointed many times. Being realistic and ready for this will make you a supportive and authentic partner.”
What is an Islamic divorce?
An Islamic divorce is basically dissolution of the marriage contract. It can be accomplished through a few different processes including talaq (male initiated divorce) and khula (female initiated divorce). In some cases, if the understood responsibilities of the marriage contract are breached or deception is found, annulment of the marriage is possible as well.
“Know your rights given by God,” Zahra explains, “and know what you are meant to expect as far as provision, duty of care, kindness and mercy by your husband.”
Henrietta adds that in her counseling practice, some of the most common challenges her clients come to her for resolving include these “gray-area” complaints.
She hears statements like; “I’m unable to exercise my full power in this marriage.” “I’m taken for granted,” “We love each other but cannot seem to work together as a couple,” “My spouse’s family is too much/too difficult for me,” and “I’m really unfulfilled in this marriage.”
These “grey area” challenging situations may or may not be improved through divorce. So in many such cases, individual coaching and therapy is a smart first step.
Divorce and abuse
When it comes to domestic abuse and other toxic dynamics, why do some couples end up staying in toxic relationships instead of getting divorced?
Henrietta explains, “Toxicity is a deep trenched pattern neurobiologically and it is hard to move away from something we are familiar with. People often do not see the relationship as toxic, which is one of the major problems.”
Zahra Summayah shares that she sees many new Muslimahs who are faced with toxic marriages and struggle to keep their faith as a consequence. In her book, 5 Warning Signs You Are in a Toxic Marriage, she teaches what toxic marriages look like and their warning signs.
She encourages women to be careful both getting into a marriage, and also getting out.
Zahra encourages women to combat abuse by first learning their rights as women and wives. “Know that in no area of Islam is a man permitted to hit or harm a woman, much less his wife” she shares. “Know that a ‘disobedient wife’ is one who is committing adultery as defined in Surah Nisa – it does not refer to a woman who fails to jump at every unreasonable command of a husband. Know that a husband does not have a right to imprison you in your home citing the hadith that you have to seek his permission to leave.”
“A just and kind husband who fears God, will not turn a home into a prison,” Zahra explains. “A good man who fears God will loathe oppression as much as God does.”
Should I ask for a khula?
It’s important for women to make sure they are involved in arranging their marriage. Zahra encourages women to never let a potential spouse arrange the wedding without consultation or consent.
In cases of abandonment, neglect, abuse, oppression and harm, it may also be possible to get what is known as an annulment of the marriage.
One sister recalls the pain she endured through her then husband’s multiple affairs. “Divorce is never easy. Especially when kids are involved,” she explains. “But I was blindsided as he was the one to have multiple affairs and left to be with his other family.”
She was able to secure a divorce but not without waiting two years in limbo for her husband to make up his mind. “He literally left two years before he decided to file. The children are very conflicted and financially left in ruins.”
There are many reasons to get divorced, and no one should fault anyone for wanting to get out of an abusive, harmful, neglectful, or unfulfilling marriage.
Marriage in the Muslim community should be seen for what it actually is – a contract between a man and woman to love, care, and take care of each other and fulfill promised obligations.
Divorce Marriage in Islam marital problems Muslim Couples
Marriage like any other relationship is never perfect. Even the best of marriages tumble. Most experts agree that the key to a successful and loving marriage is hard work, commitment and constant re-evaluation of our expectations in addition to how we communicate. Sounds easy enough, but in reality, it’s easier saying than doing.
Speaking to a few marriage therapists and Muslim counselors, I asked them what they noticed to be the most common issues that couples face. Of course, there were more complex problems like infidelity and drugs, but other top issues might be surprising.
1. I Love You…Now Change
This seems to be one of the biggest issues most couples face. Spouses so often try to change the other to a version that they would love more. The very qualities that were cute in the beginning turn into something that causes much resentment and contempt.
If you married a slob, he will not automatically change into a neat and orderly person because you want him to.The only person you can change is you. The best you can do is changing your response.
2.Talking VS Communicating
The most common misconception threatening marriage is that couples mistakenly believe that talking means communicating, that is, whenever they engage in talking, they believe they are communicating.
Voicing our complaints, criticism and emotional blackmail are not tools of communication. Learn to express your feelings with assertiveness and not from a point of complaint and criticism. This will help protect your marriage at a later stage. Effective communication means we listen and we are willing to see the world through the eyes of our partners, and not only our own. If we listen as well as we speak, real connecting would take care of itself.
3. Time Management
Modern lifestyle equals stressful lifestyle. Time is of the essence and many couples do not manage their time efficiently. Couples are pulled in all directions on a day-to-day basis except towards each other.
Quality time even if it is just five minutes a day, is an essential requirement of marriage. Couples need to regularly re-evaluate their relationship in a gentle and honest manner, if only just to know whether they are on the same page or not.
4. Intimacy
Nadirah Angail, author and therapist from nadirahangail.com believes that lack of intimacy is a major issue in Muslim marriages. “Sex is only a small part of intimacy’’, she says. It is more about being fully engaged as a couple. Staying connected on every level. Spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Most couples constantly face an uphill battle to keep the spark alive. Intimacy is not a goal that couple should seek but rather a journey, which lasts throughout marriage.
5. Turned Focus
The most frequent issue men seem to have is that the focus of the wife changes when the couple have children. It often leads to the husband feeling inadequate and neglected which in turn, leads to lack of intimacy. Couples also allow technology to interfere with their relationship; this is quite rampant with people texting at dinner, surfing the Internet in the evenings and using their smart phones constantly.
As a result, the focus on each other is shifted. Sitting next to your partner with your own tablets does not equate to quality time.
6. Money, Money, Money
Money is a huge issue. Marriages can often survive infidelity but money issues can be a dissolver of the marital union universally. Nadirah maintains that this issue is not uncommon in the Muslim household. It can be way at times for the insecure man to control the woman. In a two-income household, there is often resentment felt for the partner who earns more. This often leads to unhealthy competition.
7. Forgive Me; Honey
Forgiveness should come easy to a relationship based on mutual love. Not so for a majority of couples according to the experts. Unwillingness to forgive for minor offences (i.e. not unpacking the dishwasher, leaving clothes lying around) and major issues (i.e. accumulating debt) can affect negatively on a relationship. Most issues in a marriage can arise from a partner’s unwillingness to forgive each other. In marital life, forgiveness should be unconditional.
8. Lack of Appreciation
When appreciation is low, conflict is high. Lack of appreciation is often the root cause of infidelity in marriage. Couples tend to take their partner for granted. They mistakenly believe they will always be there. When two people feel 100% validated and appreciated by their partner, there is little room for conflict.
9. Emotional Affairs
Islamic Care line, a counseling service for couples in South Africa has seen a major rise in emotional affairs with the advancement of technology. These affairs are usually not about sex, but more an emotional intimacy shared with someone else rather than the partner.
Learning to trust and be emotionally healed after these types of affairs can be incredibly difficult. Couples face a huge uphill battle, and it can be avoided if the partner learned to express their feelings and needs to their significant other.
10. Power Struggles
Anisa Moosa, a social worker at Islamic Care line finds this to be huge issue in marriages as couples compete even spiritually to be on top of the relationship. Each partner tries to outdo the other and this can have disastrous effect if the couples do not know when or how to toe the line.
When winning and being right becomes more important than having a loving union then the victory is often hollow and short lived. Relationships are complicated and couples’ circumstances are unique. Although these are certainly not all of the relationship troubles that can befall us, they are the most common ones, which seem to be reported. Always invest in your relationship and be grateful that Allah has bestowed you with a beloved partner in this world.
Divorce is no-doubt a challenging and sometimes traumatic life change. However, in Islam, the wisdom of the iddah (waiting period) gives couples a chance to emotionally adjust to what will become their new normal after their marriage dissolution.
Henrietta Szovati, the author of HeartSmart, explains that people are often fearful of change. “They are scared of stepping out of something that is established (even though it does not work) and cannot be with a new situation so they stay instead.”
The iddah serves to give some breathing room to the marriage and helps couples ease into their new roles as exes, individuals, and possibly co-parents as well. It’s a time of great adaptation and rebirth.
Bittersweet relief
After waiting for a long time, even years, for their Islamic divorces, some are happy to have the end in sight.
One woman recalls, “It was a period of relief, of having got out of that marriage.”
Others have supportive family to help them through it. One woman remembers, “Iddah was very easy for me; a relative let me live in part of their house so I wouldn’t have to worry about paying rent or buying groceries.”
Yet another sister recalls that the iddah period was not any different than her day to day life of abandonment. “The iddah was not a problem,” she recalls. “The man had left us and travelled to the other side of the country. It was like the previous six months, just me and my children.”
However, for others, the iddah can be a challenging time. One woman recalls that the iddah period was a struggle. “[It was] very overwhelming. I was going through the legal process, I had to work, and I had to take care of my kids while grieving the death of my marriage.”
Another sister remembers, “[The iddah] was strenuous and daunting. Every day was harder than the first.”
Emotional healing
Munira Ahmed, a parenting and relationship coach working in Pakistan, understands that divorce can be a tiring time emotionally and spiritually. She recommends individuals keep their faith while divorcing by taking care of themselves and working on growing their self-esteem. It’s also important for them to learn powerful coping skills and surround themselves with positive people.
This helps divorcées emotionally prepare themselves for the years ahead and re-center themselves for considering new relationships.
Henrietta also explains, “When a woman gets divorced, there are widely held beliefs that ‘She is done, that is her life now.’ If she has children, she is not going to be welcomed for consideration. Being divorced is definitely a barrier to even stepping into the marriage scene again, more so for women than for men.”
One of the most crucial first steps for a divorcée is to take their time.
Henrietta counsels, “Don’t panic, rush, or want to change your life in a week! Take time to explore, heal and appreciate yourself. Do courses, explore your life, explore your possibilities, and build yourself. Travel, explore and discover who you are after your divorce as a way to heal.”
Keeping the faith
Henrietta shares that faith is the only thing that will help you through a divorce.
“[Have] faith in the fact that this is for the best,” she shares. “Seeing the gift in divorce is hard at first but having faith in knowing that it brings its gifts is more than comforting, it can be life-saving.”
Zahra Summayah, founder of Manifesting Muslimah, encourages everyone to get counseling to heal from grief, trauma, or abuse. She also encourages divorcees to surround themselves with good people who encourage them in worship and connection with God.
One divorced brother would agree that it is good advice.
After first leaving the marriage he was not himself. He’s a business person who loves to help others, but after his divorce his clients could read it on his face that something was bothering him. He wasn’t able to provide local workshops to help people with their business. He became demotivated and severely depressed.
However he was able to keep the faith by getting closer to Allah (SWT).
“Increasing ibadat (acts of worship) did help me ease my pain and brought me back to the right track,” he shared. “But by God it’s not easy.”
Many sisters shared the activities that helped ease overwhelm. Powerful activities include taking Islamic classes, praying tahajjud, regular salah, making dua, reading and reciting Qur’an, fasting, regular meet-ups with friends, joining support groups and even calling prayer hotlines. All these activities helped them get through the ups and downs of their divorces.
Reinvent yourself after divorce
Zahra believes that the resetting time after divorce should be focused on self-love, thriving, and manifesting a grand life for self and child(ren) without a partner.
As a life coach specializing in helping women heal from adversity, abuse, and trauma, Zahra shares that coaches such as herself can help women set goals, take actions, and manifest their marvelous selves in the manner and for the purpose Allah (SWT) created them.
One sister shares, “The first month after my divorce was Ramadan. I was so busy fasting, reading Quran, and making salaat. I really had no reason to be upset about being divorced. I never felt that getting divorced would do anything to weaken my faith. If anything, divorce has strengthened my faith since I really can’t help feeling relief that I’m finally free to be the kind of Muslim I want to be.”
Another sister shares that she was careful not to abandon her faith and dignity after divorce.
“I always felt that divorced women are constantly under the spotlight, particularly in our community,” she explains, “So I made sure I was always on my best behavior. I didn’t want to run wild, embracing my freedom, and literally let my hair down! I felt that as long as I kept Allah (SWT) happy, and didn’t do anything to disappoint or embarrass my parents then I’d be doing okay.”
Zahra also urges divorcees to prepare ahead of the challenges of being single again. “If you need to take care of yourself financially,” she explains, “get training, get work, and gain knowledge about wealth generation, investment, and banking.”
Use your divorce as an opportunity to reinvent yourself and become a better Muslim – the Muslim you always wanted to be.
Don’t dwell on the past
Zahra shares that it’s better to focus on yourself and your own healing rather than thinking about your ex. “Do not go searching him out or allow him to search you out –every time you get curious to scratch at the drying scab over the wound, ask yourself why you want to hurt yourself like that?”
Zahra encourages women to, instead, “Go do something wonderful for yourself – pamper yourself, go pray, go connect with someone who makes you feel loved and worthy.” She encourages women to make self-care choices instead of, “chasing after someone who did not treasure you enough to be your protector, provider and caretaker.”
Preparing for the future
Zahra explains, “Know that Allah (SWT) only ejects you from something that is hurting you and that being single is far better than being alone in a marriage to a man that is disinterested, uncaring, dishonest and/or unkind.”
Think to the future and accept that the marriage and divorce is all parts of Allah’s plan.
To heal from the past and prepare for the future, focus on becoming a better Muslim so that you can be present fully and wholly in a new relationship if and when you feel ready.
