In Ramadan, My Wife Doesn’t Want to Sleep with Me

QMy wife and I fast observe Ramadan, but at night, she doesn't want to sleep with me. She doesn't even want to touch me, and this makes me feel very restless. Please advice.

ANSWER

In this counseling answer:

• You could help her with the cooking, looking after the children during the day, if there are any, or you could take her out for iftar.

• Show her love; tell your wife that you appreciate all of her work during the day to prepare iftar and perform other duties while she is fasting.

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,


In sha’ Allah, I will answer your question briefly given that it would be best for a brother to answer your question since it is regarding intimacy.

In general, unfortunately, Ramadan happens to be a month where marital conflicts can increase due to a shift in schedules, tiredness, being busy, less time together, etc. You need to assess what the reason for your wife’s behavior is. Does she think that it is not permissible to have intercourse since it is Ramadan? Gently assure that it is permissible, but during the nights (from sunset to sunrise, exactly when we can eat and drink). Having said that, in the last 10 nights the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to do I’tikaf in the masjid and therefore not engage in any intimacy with his wives.

However, if the reason is that your wife may be tired from the fasting and the long hours standing preparing iftar or looking after children, then this is where your patience and understanding is needed.

Perhaps, you could help her with the cooking, looking after the children during the day, if there are any, or you could take her out for iftar. These could mean a lot to her and allow her to have more energy at night.

For more on how to show your love to your wife, which will have many positive returns for you, please feel free to read the “Five Languages of Love” by Dr. Gary Chapman which explains that each person has different love ‘languages’ that the spouse needs to understand in order to have a happy marriage.

The languages are:

Words of affirmation which can include things like telling your wife that you appreciate all of her work during the day to prepare iftar and perform other duties while she is fasting.


Acts of service which can include helping her around the house and with the children, if you have any.


Receiving gifts which can be very simple – even a ‘thank you’ note counts.


Quality time: with Ramadan being so busy, try to leave aside even 10 minutes where you can connect and review the day with each other.


Physical touch: this is the final one and is not limited to intimacy but includes even a pat on the shoulder that can mean a lot to a woman.


May Allah bless your marriage,