I Regret Being In a Haram Relationship and Feel Ashamed

QMany years ago I had a haram relationship with somebody (we were form the same sex), and my friends (non-Muslim) knew about it.

The relationship didn't go beyond what is intimate. Months later I cutted the relationship. Everyday I regret it and I'm disgusted by it.

Now, after a lot, my friends bringed the topic again and I don't know how to react.

How do I tell them it was a mistake and how to change their mind? I want to tell them to forget about it. They say it was okay and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

But I am ashamed and I don't know what to do.

ANSWER

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuhu,


Thank you for your trust and for sharing your concern. I understand your distress and I am sorry that you are feeling ashamed.

You stated that you were involved in a same -sex relationship with somebody long time ago, but you cut that relationship and repented your behavior; even you are still repenting it.

Repentance is a powerful tool to generate change


First of all, I have to tell you that you made the right decision when you stopped being in an unlawful relationship.

Your letter and words reflect sincere regret, and this is a very good sign Masallah, as repentance is one of the most powerful tools to generate change.  Actually, after the initial realization, repentance is already the next stage, when we feel remorse because of what we have done.

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5 Conditions to Get Your Repentance Accepted


Normally repentance is followed by forgiveness, and finally ends by the firm intention not to commit the wrong behavior again. 

I do not know whether you have asked for forgiveness from Allah: if not, please turn to Him, and, as the Quran aya states: you will find forgiveness and mercy:

“And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran 4:110) 

Furthermore, as you wrote, that still “every day regret it” and “feel ashamed”, I would suggest something very important: please try to forgive yourself! 

We humans all commit sins and errors, and we have to be able to accept that we cannot change the past, but yes, we can do a lot about our future. Forgiving yourself for your past actions will help you to let your shame go away. Trust in Allah that he will forgive you and forgive yourself as well, with this you can close the doors of the past and move forward forever.

Learn to stand up for the Islamic values


You wrote that your non-Muslim friends came up with this topic recently and you don’t know how to react, because according to them, there is no shame about it.

Actually, we have to understand that Islam has a very firm stand on same – sex behavior and also on sexual relationships outside marriage, no matter what the actual dominant view in the non – Muslim countries is. 

Our moral values are based on the revelation from Allah, and are fixed and unchangeable through ages and places, unlike some ideologies. The source of right and wrong is written in the Quran and the Sunnah.

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Therefore, I kindly suggest you to visit some Islamic circles and gatherings for Muslim youth to gain more knowledge about the differences on Islamic and Western values regarding this aspect. 

There are online courses as well, for example check the website of Sapience Institute. This will help you to stand up for your Muslim identity among your friends – always with kindness – and even to show them the beauty of Islam.

Have righteous company


If you experience further conflict of views with them, my advice is: please, keep steadfast on your decision and try to befriend with people who can draw you closer to the deen. 

Having righteous company and being among youth with similar values and standards will make you feel more comfortable and firmer in your decision. Remember the words of the Prophet (peace be upon Him):

“A man is upon the religion of his friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends.” Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2378

May Allah grant you good company and success!