Struggling to Have a Baby? Read This

That time of month comes again and, with it, brings disappointment and a deep sorrow. I’ve experienced this for five years before my daughter was born. Many women struggling to have a baby will understand immediately what I mean.

It took me five years to have my daughter. With it came heartache, grief, frustration, a lot of tears and many tests, pokes and prods for both my husband and myself.

Not being able to get pregnant is a very hard test to go through. It leaves you shattered and broken at times. What is worse is when everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Some don’t want to even tell you in case you give them the “evil eye”. Others seem to rub salt into the wound, ‘they only have to look at their husband and they are pregnant’! Oh yes, I have heard so many cold, piercing comments like that.

My daughter finally came after 5 years of trying and just as we were about to undergo treatment. We were ecstatic and over the moon. It was the biggest proof that when Allah says “be” it simply happens! SubhanAllah.

After the birth of our daughter, our plan was to wait a few months and then try again as it took so long for us to get our first baby.

We soon realized though, that we are not in control of our lives, as we might like to think, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So after the treatment and a wait of 3 years to make sure there was no recurrence, we were given the go ahead to try again. We are back to square one again because it simply isn’t happening and time is not on our side like before, as I am older.

However, what is on our side is the experience of last time. What we have learned from it and how we learned to handle the heartbreak of having a period every month. And it is exactly this advice I would like to share with sisters who are struggling to have a baby, whether it is their first or second.

1- First and foremost, never stop making dua.


Every night before I sleep, I ask Allah to send us a baby. It can become so hard and we can become so depressed that sometimes we just give up. I am reminded, though, of how Prophet Ibrahim (AS) never stopped making dua for a child and Allah accepted his dua when he least expected it.

2- Have that time to grieve when the period comes.


This may sound weird, but if you hold the emotions in, it is going to make you more and more depressed. Every time my time of the month comes, I allow myself to be sad for a couple of days to let out the emotion of heartbreak. I am then able to pick myself up after a couple of days, focus on the blessings I have in my life and keep the hope and faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen.

Struggling to Have a Baby? Read This - About Islam


3- Treat yourself.


When I am having my “sad days” I focus on myself to pull myself up. I will eat my favorite snacks, buy myself a little treat or just pamper myself with a beauty treatment, a good book and a long bath. These things pick me up, and it is what we need from time to time, to make ourselves feel better.

4- Be open with your husband.


He is going through this as well. Each of you is there to support the other one. You can also treat yourselves with a date night. This should be making you both stronger as a couple and not driving you a part.

5- Make a plan of action.


If you have been trying for a year or more (6 months if you are over 35) and nothing is happening, then you need to see a doctor and have tests. And when I say ‘you’ I mean the pair of you.

6- Remain patient.


It is a very difficult test that Allah is sending you. Whether you choose to go through fertility treatment or not, then you need patience. This journey is a long one, it can be emotionally draining, but having patience will eventually bring you the best reward inshaAllah.

7- Never think this is because Allah thinks you are a bad person.


Wrong! Remember there are many outstanding women in our Islamic history that didn’t have children or only had one child. Lady ‘Aisha had no children and she is one of our most revered role models.

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Maryam was mother to just Isa and look how she is held in the highest regard. This is not because Allah hates you, it is because you are being tested and what we don’t have in this world, inshAllah we will have in the next.

8- Cherish your first child.


If you are struggling to have a second child then make sure your first child is not neglected and thank Allah for the blessing of your first child. Your first child should not pick up on the pain or heartbreak of what you are going through. On the contrary, they should feel loved, cared for, precious and cherished.

They may ask you for siblings, you can just tell them, this is Allah’s will but we can make dua. Never let them feel that they are not enough.

Struggling to Have a Baby? Read This - About Islam


9- Make dua for others.


When you see other people having babies, make dua to keep your heart pure and make dua for the woman and her baby. When we make dua for someone Allah will grant us the same.

10- Finally, consider other solutions.


If all attempts of having a baby naturally or by fertility treatments fail, consider adoption. It is allowed in Islam and if you can give a child a home full of love and care then you are doing a very noble and grand gesture.

Of course both you and your husband have to agree with this idea, but it is a beautiful thing to help a child who needs a loving home. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:

“I and the one who sponsors an orphan are like this in Paradise.” Then he joined between his index and middle fingers. (Sahih Al-Bukhari (5304))

Struggling to conceive is one of the most difficult tests we can go through as a married couple. It can be a long and painful journey but we must always keep that hope and faith alive that Allah is listening and Allah will do what is right for us.

We have to find a way of making peace with what is destined for us and as difficult and painful as that may be, we have to do it with a heart full of love and faith for Allah. The last thing I want to leave for those who are going through this difficult test is that Allah loves us deeply. If we can’t have a baby in this life, then Allah is planning the best of babies for us in Paradise and they will be ours for eternity.

Remember, Allah knows what is best for us and when the time is right we will get what is best for us. Never give up on that hope.

For those of you who are going through this tremendously hard journey, I pray that Allah grants you righteous children in this world and the next.