I Found Out That My Mom Cheats On My Dad

QI just found out recently that my mom has been cheating on my dad through her phone. While she was sleeping, I just wanted to take a picture of my new phone using my mom’s phone, and I found out that my mom had another man.

I read some of the messages, and I can't stop crying. I am thinking right now to murder that man, but I don't know if this would fix the mental problems I have right now. Please help me!


ANSWER

You clearly seem to be overwhelmed by the shock the message has caused you, but you must learn to manage your anger.

Seek professional help to process your shock. Hurting others in any way would not only not solve any problems, but cause even more trouble. See the suggested places below.

You must keep in mind that whatever is happening between your parents is their business alone, not yours.

Does Dad Cheat on Mom?


You can try talking to your mom first in an indirect, if it fails, then a more direct manner. Please see the processes below.

Please, brother, do not let this incident affect your own relationship with your mother.

Please brother, focus on your life, your studies, or your work, and do not let yourself be drowned by your parents’ life.

Wa Aleikom Salam dear brother,


Thank you for writing us. I am so sorry for finding out one of your parents seems to be unfaithful to the other. It must be a shocking experience for you, and as you say, it even angers you to the extent that you cannot stop crying and you are “thinking of murdering the man.”

Seek Help to Process Your Shock


Dear brother, I assure you that hurting anyone in any way will not fix anything, rather it would cause way more trouble to you and everyone involved. I am sure you do not want to go to jail or be severely punished neither by the government nor by Allah for hurting another person.

You clearly seem to be overwhelmed by the shock the message has caused you, but you must learn to manage your anger.

The Prophet Muhammad said: “The powerful man is not the one who can wrestle, but the powerful man is the one who can control himself at the time of anger.”

And “Those who spend (in Allah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress their anger, and who pardon men, verily, Allah loves the al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).” (3:134).

So, my first and foremost advice for you is to seek help by counseling. This will fix the “mental problems that you have right now.” Inshallah. You should also try the advice of Prophet Muhammad to calm yourself down:

“I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.”

I am not sure of your age or your location, unfortunately, but you can easily find trusted counselors online. Here are some I can suggest. These are national directories in the US, but I am sure even if you are not in the US, they will be able to help you if you write them (in case you do not find any counselor in your own country):

Stones to Bridges for Muslim Youth

Therapy for Muslims

When You Find Out Things About Your Parents…


Brother, I am not aware what was in those messages exactly, for how long the exchanges of messages have been going on between your mom and that man, whether they have done anything else than chatting, so the full picture of what is going on – neither you are.

 I urge you brother not to rush to conclusions or quick actions that you will regret later on. Especially that you seeing the private messages of your mom is not something that should have happened in the first place…

As much as it hurts you find out your mom seems to be unfaithful to your dad (in a certain level as obviously chatting with someone and sleeping with him are completely different levels, even in Islamic terms), you must keep in mind that whatever is happening between your parents is their business alone, not yours.

You do not know the full picture, and as a child, you will never know what exactly is going on in your parents’ marriage. Thus, they are the only people who can solve their issues.

However, you can try two things if you see them chatting you saw is unequivocally inappropriate and not a one-time occasion.

1, The indirect approach: Try this first. Go to your mom and tell her that you are so sad about your friend who just found out that his mom is cheating on his dad. Ask her advice, what she thinks you should advise your friend in this situation because he fears Allah and knows that cheating is a great sin. Inshallah, this would be enough for her to remember Allah and stop her from contacting that man again. Inshallah, it would remind her to solve her problems with her dad in more healthy ways.

Because you need to know that usually when cheating happens in any form, that is an indication the person misses something for long or too bad, they are not happy in that marriage. However, cheating is a really damaging and haram way as well to solve any emotional issues.

2, The direct approach: in a time when you find your mother alone and in a good mood, you might want to tell her in a calm way that you, coincidentally, found those messages and you feel really bad now about this. Try this if the first one does not work.

Your Relationship with Your Mother


Please, brother, do not let this incident affect your own relationship with you mother. Remember, you should not have even seen those messages in the first place, it was not your mobile. Besides, as I said, marital issues need to be dealt with between the couples and not by the children.

Remember how your mom treats you, how much she loves you, and how much she does not want to see you suffering from anything, especially not because of her mistakes. Something is going on in the marriage that you are not aware of and unfortunately, this is the way she has dealt with it….May Allah guide her to the right path to find better ways to make her marriage work.

Please brother, focus on your life, your studies, or work, and do not let yourself be drawn by your parents’ life. I know it is really hard, especially if you live with them, but inshallah especially with the help of a counselor and remembering Allah, making dua to Him to guide your mother and also to keep you calm, inshallah you will do it.

I pray for you,