How to Regain My Husband’s Trust?


19 June, 2021


QSalaam, My husband left our home 2 months ago, because we have trust issues. I feel as though he wants to settle down in a different town with his brother at his brother’s house, and has been planning a way to get there and then make excuses that I argue with him and if I want to be with him I will have to move there too. We had a big argument the day he went. I was very angry and ended up swearing at him, his brother, sister in law etc. I really didn't mean to, but I felt used and lied to by them constantly. Now, my husband (still loves me) can't forget the way I swore at them all. I have asked for forgiveness from Allah, every day since then, even apologized to my husband, his brother and his sister in-law. I have apologized to his mum and dad for the way I reacted towards their son that day and have explained why I did it. They have forgiven me, but the younger people just won't. My husband does want to be with me, but will he ever forgive me? To give me a 2nd chance to try to make things better? I have been trying very hard to make the most of this time on my own, with my 2 sons. I am learning how to be patient, reading namaaz, Qur’an, the teachings of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, etc. I feel as though I have learned quite a lot and now know how much I should have respected my in-laws and husband regardless of their lies and plans. Do you know of anything I could do to make my husband forgive me and come back to me? Please help.


ANSWER

Maryam Bachmeier


19 June, 2021


Answer:


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,


You have certainly done your work including introspection, learning new behavioral skills, and increasing your own level of spirituality. I can see how very much you care about your husband and your relationship and that you are putting the eternal first in your life.

I will respond to your question, but first, I am curious as to why you do not want to move and settle down in the different town in his brother’s house. Is it because you do not get along with his brother and sister-in-law? It is helpful to understand what is “ruling” you so that you can better see how that affects your ability to manage your emotions, feelings, and thoughts – and in turn your behaviors.

The trust issues actually lay in two different areas. The first is in the area of intentions and the second is the behavior.

First, in the area of intentions as it relates to marriage and relationship, the couple needs to know in their heart of hearts that the other has the marriage and the partner’s best interest first as their first and foremost priority. This way, when there are disagreements, they won’t be extremely intense, and the couple will know that they can negotiate a mutual agreement.

This is the most basic trust and a couple must consciously work on building this trust along with communication skills and a bond in order for a marriage to become strong enough to withstand the ups and downs of hard decisions like this and navigate through the winds of change.

You need a strong marriage union so that you work as a team in working with the people in your family and other relationships as well. If you have not yet come to this level of relationship, there is a lot that you can do.

In the days of continued “meism”, it is difficult for individuals to accept that they alone can make the commitment to put their “ego outside to play” while the actual  human being looks at the issue at hand from another perspective.

Does Allah (swt) have a plan for collective healing that you are not aware of? Is getting your way really always in your own benefit? Is this about “me”? Or is this about a much bigger “we”? Ask yourself these questions.

Can you trust yourself to have the ego self step aside and make room for something bigger than you…go with the flow, and allow things to unfold? Trusting yourself to be able to do this will be the first step in developing that mutual trust that is the foundation of true union in a marriage.

The second area of trust is behavior. Behavior is the final response or reaction to emotions, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. If you have succeeded in developing your spiritual self and trust yourself that your true desire is for the best of all concerned and that those occasional ego self desires will not take over and dominate the life picture, then you are in a good position to work on becoming conscious of your emotions, feelings, thoughts and belief and observe them. If you can do that, then you can correct them with the help of Allah (swt).

You can also practice or rehearse your behavioral responses to certain anticipated situations in your mind. Once your heart is in the right place, your mind will follow. Again, work on getting yourself in a place in consciousness where you trust yourself first. Then you can work on gaining the trust of others.

To answer your question about whether or not your husband will give you a second chance, or if his family members will ever forgive you, I will say that first, ask forgiveness from Allah (swt). Once you have your own personal relationship with Allah (swt) clear and you trust your own motivations, intentions, and behaviors, then others will likely see that change in you. If they do not, you will notice and you will be able to forgive yourself.

This process will definitely increase the probability that over time, they will either completely forgive you in their heart, or at least the issue of what happened will fade from their heart (which is another form of forgiveness).

Remember, Allah (swt) is the judge of all and the sustainer and the source from which ALL love flows. With that, and in that “space” beyond the space/time continuum…you have already been forgiven as you have already done your introspective work and adjusted your mind, heart, and behaviors to align with your soul’s higher intention.

I pray my response has brought you some level of comfort and has been helpful to you. Remember, one day at a time.