5 Qualities to Look for in Your Future Husband
Family & Life Team
25 June, 2020
Though emotions and hormones easily distract us all, ultimately marriage is like a business contract.
Be sure to compile a check off list before meeting any potential spouse and refer to it liberally when your vision gets cloudy. Here are five key points to start your list with:
4 Qualities to Look for in Your Future Wife
#1 Religious Commitment
A thick beard and attending jummah are not the pillars by which you can measure your potential husband’s piety. Does he pray daily? Is his zakat in order? Does he read Qur’an? And do you practice at the same level, with the same beliefs?
If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil.” -The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), (At-Tirmidhi and others classified as Hasan)
#2 Good Character
The first measure of a man’s character is how he treats his family. Then there is the common suggestion to note how he treats waitstaff – again true and similar to how we are directed to treat servants and employees – fairly and with respect.
Regard how this potential mate interacts with different kinds of people, is he consistently kind and compassionate? Are there red flags or would you like to be treated similarly by this man? Does he seem honest or does his body language convey otherwise?
#3 Shared Values
This is where it is vital that you are honest with yourself first and then with your potential mate. While you will be expected to be the primary caregiver of your future children, how do you see yourself doing so?
Do you expect your husband to spend a lot of time with the family or are you content if he is only a good provider? Are you a travel lover and you expect him to be as well?
Do you like to entertain guests regularly or not much at all? Beyond raising children, what are your other life goals and how will you achieve them? Will you always want to work?
Consider how your spouse may help you in achieving your goals. When you meet with prospective partners, ask them about their life goals and lifestyle needs. Are you willing to help him achieve his goals and vice versa?
#4 A Family Man
While it is common today for both spouses to work at the beginning of the marriage, it is unrealistic to expect this to continue forever if you hope to have a family of your own.
Is your potential husband planning towards a future in which he is the breadwinner? And are you both being honest about the timeline for your childbearing years? These things cannot be put off indefinitely. Is he ready to be a whole family man?
#5 Attraction
Shedding layers of superficiality, it is imperative to find your spouse attractive. Many people deny this is a quality women look at. But of course they do! Without a strong attraction there is too much room for Shaytan to play with the couple. Do you like him? Are you attracted to him?
“…A person should not marry his young daughter to an old or an ugly man, but he should marry her to one similar.” -Ibn `Abidin, a famous Muslim jurist
In addition to having a checklist to keep you on track, also have an accountability buddy – a family member or good confidant who knows you well and can act as a sound boarding to reflect back to you when you are being realistic versus when you are being rash.
My Teenage Sons Taking Drugs, What To Do?
22 August, 2019
QAssalamu Alaikum, I am a mother living abroad with my children left over in India for their higher studies. They are 18 & 19 years old. Now the problem is they have entered in a bad habit of smoking and also they are adding something to that which they cannot stop now. It is affecting their studies and behavior. I am totally worried. I am always praying to Allah for my children. Please help me with an advice. Thank you.
ANSWER
Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah
22 August, 2019
In this counseling answer:
•You must continue to try and talk with your children whenever you get the chance about how much you dislike their behavior and how much it hurts you. Don’t pester them, but just let them know from time to time that these things they are doing really HURT you.
•Remember to treat them as adults, not children, for they are already 18 and 19 and living on their own. But you are still their mother and your feelings and opinion should still matter to them. That message should be clear that their behavior is unhealthy and it hurts you.
As-Salamu `Alaykum,
Dear sister, thank you for writing to us. It must be so difficult for you as a mother to see your children engaging in undesirable behaviors while being so far away from home. You must feel helpless. Don’t despair, however, for Allah is the Lord of all of His creation and His Dominion is absolute. Therefore, you must do two things:
Firstly, you must continue to try and talk with your children whenever you get the chance about how much you dislike their behavior and how much it hurts you. Don’t pester them, but just let them know from time to time that these things they are doing really HURT you.
I’m Bullied at Work; Shall I Resign? - About Islam
Remember to treat them as adults, not children, for they are already 18 and 19 and living on their own. But you are still their mother and your feelings and opinion should still matter to them. That message should be clear that their behavior is unhealthy and it hurts you.
Secondly, you must draw close to Allah. You must make sure that you are fulfilling Allah’s rights over you without question; i.e. never miss your 5 daily prayers and everything else. We cannot expect our prayers to be answered when we are not fulfilling at least our basic responsibilities as Muslims. On top of that, you should try your utmost to pray Tahajjud (optional late night Prayer) and hajat prayer (prayer to seek refuge in Allah for the fulfillment of needs) regularly, at least one night per week.
Try to wake up before Subh Prayer (Dawn Prayer) and pray Tahajjud followed by hajat, asking Allah for your children to move away from these negative behaviors. Try to make it a consistent practice as well, rather than just a one shot thing. The night prayer is incredibly powerful if we are able to do it sincerely. Night time is the time when the veils are removed and we can open up our hearts to our Lord.
Finally, don’t lament if Allah’s response to your prayer is not immediately what you hoped for. Allah’s wisdom is often beyond our ability to comprehend, but as a mother, that hajat prayer will most definitely be heard. You will just need to be patient and not give up.
Trust in Allah and what He has for you and your children, and trust that even if it is not immediately, eventually they will see that what they are doing is not healthy and move away from those behaviors. If your husband is still around, you can invite him to do the same.
Given the distance between you and your children, compounded by the fact that they are so far away, Allah is giving you a new opportunity to turn to Him with your pleas and prayers. Take advantage of it by making time for Him.
How to Deal with My Teenage Daughter’s Attitude?
19 March, 2020
QAs-salamu `aliakum.
First, thank you for this service, I have a question about my daughter. She is now 14-year-old, and I really have a difficult time managing her temper and her ups and downs.
One day she is active and talking and socializing with us. The other day, she is so lazy and isolated. She does not allow us to give her any advice anymore.
Sometimes she became very nervous and leads to troubles between us. Is this normal when a kid becomes a teenager? How can I manage?
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
19 March, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•Begin to set boundaries and consequences.
•Find out what her interests are, or try to cultivate interests in the Islamic community by getting her engaged in positive youth groups.
•Ensure she understands what is happening to her body and emotions as going through puberty and young adulthood can be confusing.
•Talk to her about this on one of the days when she is active and social with the family.
•Take her out for lunch or something she enjoys, and begin a conversation expressing your interest in her life and her aspirations as a young woman.
As-salamu alaykum,
Welcome to teenager life! As parents, we often feel a sense of excitement and dread when the teen years are upon us. A we know this can often be a turmoilous time.
Hormonal teen
With the emotional and physical changes teens go through; puberty, hormones, trying to fit in at school, trying to sort through their emotions, yes-it is normal!
Daughter
Daugther Hates Anything We Stand For
Your daughter seems to be acting like a normal hormonal teen just trying to find herself in a changing body and mind.
I would kindly suggest that when she wishes to be alone, that you respect that (unless you suspect depression).
Try to go with the flow-that is the ups and downs of her mood swings. They will insha’Allah even out soon.
Setting boundaries and consequences.
I would kindly suggest however that if her temper becomes disrespectful or extreme, that you begin to set boundaries and consequences.
While it can be from the normal fluctuation of growth and frustration of seeking her new identity as a young woman, she still needs accountability as well as an outlet.
Kids Suffering Expat Life And Closed Environment - About Islam
As her parent it is up to you to provide healthy outlets for her to engage in. Find out what her interests are, or try to cultivate interests in the Islamic community by getting her engaged in positive youth groups.
Ensure she understands what is happening to her body and emotions as going through puberty and young adulthood can be confusing.
I kindly suggest trying to talk to her about this on one of the days when she is active and social with the family.
Beginning a conversation
Take her out for lunch or something she enjoys, and begin a conversation expressing your interest in her life and her aspirations as a young woman.
This may insha’Allah open the doorway for improved conversation and increased trust.
Check out this counseling answer:
These times will not be forever, it may feel like it, but it will pass. I would most importantly suggest that insha’Allah you do something good for yourself at least once a week, as you will need self care during these times as well!
Lastly, if you feel she is depressed or she is withdrawing more and more, or displaying violent behaviors please do have her evaluated by a therapist.
However from what you have described, we have all gone through this around that age, from one extreme or another.
What to Do with an Unmotivated, Depressed Teen?
16 April, 2020
QI have troubles with my teenage son. He lies and has become deceptive and untruthful.
He has also picked up bad habits like smoking and drinking.
He is unmotivated and seems uninterested in having a goal in life.
Tired of My Messy Daughter
16 January, 2020
QI have a 15-year-old daughter. Her room is like a pig-sty, she dresses like a slob and she doesn't take care of her personal hygiene which is a must . I shut the door on her room because by doing so I don't have to look at it. I do remind her to take a shower every day, and to take care of her monthly habits, but the kid doesn't listen. How should I deal with this?
ANSWER
Hwaa Irfan
16 January, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•Your daughter might have grown out of her room, especially has it might have remained unchanged for quite a long while.
•Once you have established a more friendly relationship and explored where she is at along with solutions (solutions made together), your daughter might be more receptive to what you have to say.
•Take it as an opportunity to share in reorganizing her room to suit her needs.”
As salamu `alaykum dear Sir,
You are obviously a very caring father who takes an interest in his daughter’s lifestyle. To say the least, most parents do not expect to be putting in the same amount of energy into parenting their teenaged child as when they were younger and more dependent, but as we soon find out, it can seem like walking into a minefield – i.e. one can never know whether the next step is the right step to take!
Rather than waste energy on trying to get them to do what you want them to do, and ending up stressed out, it is worth the time and the relationship to take time out, find a quiet moment when they are at least semi-receptive and begin a casual conversation which indicates to them that you are interested in what they think and feel.
Share reflections on their day, school, on the way to school, on the way home from school, friends, studies and friends etc.
How to Teach 10-Year-Old Son About "Commitment"? - About Islam
Somehow, amidst their lives is an issue that you overlooked as a parent. When the level of negligence that you described takes place over a period of time, it is usually a sign that something has gone awry.
It could be that your daughter has a low interest in life in general and there might be a cause behind all of that.
Maybe it is something that your daughter herself can not identify, but by casting a wide net which allows her to explore with you, you can discover together what the problem is.
Your daughter might have lots of friends, but this does not mean she has someone she can really talk to, and these are the years in her life, when she needs you to be a friend, not the nagging parent. Usually, I find this helps. In the process of discovering what I wrong, as a parent, we also get to reflect on our roles and to adjust in a manner that can be more inclusive of their needs.
In this busy world in which we live, a teenagers room is the domain of privacy, a domain that allows them to take time out from their parents, from all the pressures and expectations that are placed upon them. It could simply be that she is rebelling via her room, but equally, it might be something more than meets the eye.
At the same time, your daughter might have grown out of her room, especially has it might have remain unchanged for quite a long while. Once you have established a more friendly relationship and explored where she is at along with solutions (solutions made together), your daughter might be more receptive to what you have to say. Take it as an opportunity to share in reorganizing her room to suit her needs.
Does she need:
More space
An area for studying: desk space, shelf space and a place to file her papers, folders, reports etc.
Does she need a separate shelving for her books, ornaments, cassette recorder, tapes and other personal belongings
Does she need somewhere to display pictures, posters, reminders, calendar
A laundry hamper to put her dirty clothes in
A larger wardrobe
A dressing table
An area to relax and do things
Redecorating
New curtains for her window
Try to see her room from her point of view and that includes some privacy and in sha’Allah, your daughter will take an interest in her life and her immediate environment as well. If however, the problem seems to be deeper and/or more complex than you first thought, do not be afraid to seek help and get her any counseling if needed.
He struggles through life and gets emotional and over-reactive when we talk. I feel he hates me and only cares about friends and fun.
What should I do?
ANSWER
Layla Al Qaraqsi
16 April, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•Try to understand why your son acts this way and what are his needs that might be unfulfilled and which he mistakenly tries to fulfill through his bad behavior.
•Be a good, active listener who encourages and supports, who really tries to understand what is going on in the life of his teenage child and inside his head.
•When discussing the limits, you explain the reasons and what the consequences for breaking them would be. Consequences should be just reminders and not things that belittle or insult their dignity.
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear brother,
Thanks for confiding in about Islam and giving us the opportunity to help. I can feel from your words how stressed and concerned you are about your son.
What to Do with an Unmotivated, Depressed Teen? - About Islam
Therefore, you need to try to understand why your son acts this way and what are his needs that might be unfulfilled and which he mistakenly tries to fulfill through his bad behavior.
Teenage stage
Besides the common needs of his developmental stage, there could be some psychological needs that are specific to him.
As human beings, we share a lot of commonalities; however, every individual is still unique and should be seen and treated in a unique way. Hence, we will have to look at both the general needs of teenagers and your son’s needs as a unique individual.
How does adolescence feel like for an adolescent? It is well known that teenage years are one of the major transitions a person goes through in his development.
It is a transition from childhood to adulthood – two very different phases of one’s life which entails a lot of changes in one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
It is a stage where the individual tries to find an identity for himself in his world. Any transition for any person is never an easy thing; however, for some people, transition and change are very difficult situations to go through due to their sensitive nature.
Teenage Daughter's Attitude
How to Deal with My Teenage Daughter's Attitude?
Sometimes, parents miss the part that their teenage children are no longer kids, and they continue treating them like small children, not giving them trust and responsibilities that match their age.
Expressing his feeling
This way of treatment may cause great distress for teenagers who are now growing into independent adults, hence they need to practice independence and need to have their own privacy (of course, under supervision from the parents but not total interference and control).
These are their rights as they are now defining their identities as separate individuals in this world. If parents fail to acknowledge this fact and act accordingly, teenagers would necessarily find ways to express their distress and their needs for independence.
Everyone would have his own way of expressing these needs according to his personality and his circumstances.
Teenagers also experience some feelings of fear and insecurity as they are new to the world of adulthood.
They may express their fears and insecurity feelings through lashes of anger and over-reacting. Your son’s over-reacting might be calls for you to be near to him, to protect and support him.
Another factor that could make adolescence even more difficult is the childhood phase and whether it went smoothly or it included many difficulties. Childhood, especially the first five years of a child’s life, are the basis on which a child’s psychological well being are built.
If the child enjoyed unconditional love and support, then his/her psychological state will be strong and healthy, thus s/he would be able to grow smoothly into adolescence and then into adulthood. But if a child’s life lacks this unconditional love and support, then his teenage years will be difficult.
What do teenagers need from their parents in this critical period? Teenagers going through such tough circumstances need someone to love them as they are, to accept them for what they are, to understand and have empathy for them, and understand what they are going through from conflicting emotions and thoughts.
They need a parent who is a friend, who listens with open ears and open heart – without criticizing or judging.
o
Be a good, active listener who encourages and supports, who really tries to understand what is going on in the life of his teenage child and inside his head.
When listening to your son, put your number one priority to understand him and make him feel that you care about everything he says and that you understand him and can feel how he feels.
When your son feels this from you and trusts you, he will naturally feel comfortable to come to you for advice and opinion in different situations. He will aspire to be like you and to imitate you and take you as his role model.
Teenagers are in dire need of direction and guidance, but one that is soaked in love and acceptance and not one that is direct and has a lot of criticism and judgment.
If a teenager does not receive from his parents love, acceptance, support, warmth, fun and quality time, then surely he searches for outside sources that would fulfill his needs for these feelings and emotions. These outside sources could be a major factor in his involvement in bad habits.
Of course, teenagers need to have limits to be set for them. This rather gives them a feeling of safety and security that they have someone in power who acts as a safeguard for them, one who they can resort to when in trouble, and one who can protect them from any dangers.
However, such limits should be kept to the minimum and should be explained to them and discussed with them. When discussing the limits, you explain the reasons and what the consequences for breaking them would be. Consequences should be just reminders and not things that belittle or insult their dignity.
In the end, dear brother, I hope I have been able to touch upon the points that are important to you and your son. And never forget the power of du`aa’ for your son and for your relationship together.
My Son Hates Me
24 November, 2019
QMy 14-year-old son hates me and his father. We do not hit him, do not yell at him, treat him with respect, and still he hates us and does not talk to us. He always says that he hates us. He is our only child and we came to America for a better life but he makes our life miserable.I wonder if this is because I am a working mum and he feels that I have not much time for him?
My friends tell me that this is a typical 14-year-old’s response. Is this acceptable and what can I do to help him get through it? I try to do my best, but I need help and I do not know any Muslim family around us. Please help me and my husband.
ANSWER
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
24 November, 2019
In this counseling answer:
•You need not take any sudden or harsh steps to correct him, but you must at least remind him each time he tells you he hates you that this is not a nice thing to say.
•He needs to know that his mother and father care for him and that no matter how much he might be dealing with as part of his maturing process.
•He needs to have healthy relationships with young Muslim boys his own age.
•You and your husband must make it a priority to seek out the local masjid and to locate Muslim families with teenage sons.
•Enroll your son in some sports or other constructive activities offered by the city or county in which you live.
As-salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. What a challenge indeed to raise children in America! Here are some thoughts for your consideration:
First, based on what you have written, we can assure you that your son telling you he hates you (his mother) and his father is not acceptable at all, no matter how typical it might be of teenage behavior. Islam states clearly that under all circumstances children must respect their parents.
There is no such thing as accepting rude and disrespectful behavior from children. You are actually doing your son a disservice if you accept his current behavior without consequence.
You need not take any sudden or harsh steps to correct him, but you must at least remind him each time he tells you he hates you that this is not a nice thing to say. He needs to know that his mother and father care for him and that no matter how much he might be dealing with as part of his maturing process, there is absolutely no room for disrespect and ill treatment of his parents.
My Son Hates Me - About Islam
Second, what is most startling about your message is that you have actually answered most of your own questions. You know well that your family immigrated to America recently and that both you and your son are going through the process of adjusting to a new way of life.
In addition, for reasons you know best, you and your husband work and therefore have little time to spend with your son as he faces the adaptation challenges as well as his growing pains.
You also note that there are no other Muslim families in the area where you live. These three factors alone are having very detrimental effects on your family. Must you work so much? Can you not reduce your working hours so that, in sha’ Allah, you can spend more time with your son? He is crying out for help each time he tells you he hates you.
He might not be saying that he hates you; he might really be saying that he hates the circumstances in which he finds himself—all alone and without friends or relatives who understand him and with whom he can relate.
He needs to have healthy relationships with young Muslim boys his own age. You and your husband must make it a priority to seek out the local masjid and to locate Muslim families with teenage sons. If you can, enroll your son in some sports or other constructive activities offered by the city or county in which you live.
You have a choice. Either you keep focusing on a better life in material terms and lose your son in the process or you live a modest life for now and focus all of your energies on rebuilding a relationship with your son.
Third, remember that while your intentions were to give your son a better life, you actually find yourself now in a situation whereby you might end up losing your son altogether. Talk to your husband and figure out your financial situation to see if you can reduce your working hours or stop working altogether so that you can devote more time to your son.
No amount of money will help you to rebuild your relationship with your son if he makes an emotional and mental break from you and your husband. Your son is crying out for help and we are urging you to help him immediately. Talk to your son as well and see what he feels the problems are. Just listen. Do not try to solve all of the problems he mentions, just listen. Let him feel as though you are his friend and that you are there to listen and to validate some of what he is feeling. These are difficult times for your son and your family and, in sha’ Allah, working together you will make it!
o
Finally, if, after a lot of trying, your son is not improving in his behavior towards you and your husband, you might consider counseling for him. A counselor might be able to help your son to articulate some of the anger and frustration he is feeling.
Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to guide your son and to restore peace and tranquility in your home.
We know you are feeling a lot of pain because of the current situation, but we assure you that if you focus on spending more time with your son and on helping him to adjust to life in America, he will be more grateful to you than if you work all the time to try to help him have what you perceive to be a better life.
Your son needs your attention and your husband’s attention, please figure out how to give it to him.
Teen Daughter Sneaks Out of Home for Parties
11 February, 2020
QMy daughter is 18 years old. She sneaks out from the house to go to parties and nightclubs with boys. A sheikh told me to keep her at home and let her friends visit her, and to go with her to parties and nightclubs, but do not ask her to move out.
She has another sibling younger than her at home. My friends say that this would be the wrong example given to the younger sibling if I allow one child to follow the wrong path.
"What message are you sending to her? You're supposed to guide them to the right path – without boyfriends, nightclubs etc." – they say. What should be done in this situation?
ANSWER
Hannah Morris
11 February, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•The first approach is to simply talk to her about it and your concerns.
•Let her know why her behavior concerns you and do so with Islamic explanations to support what you are saying.
•Ask her if there’s anything else that they like to do that doesn’t involve parties and boys and facilitate this for her instead.
•You can be supporting her in forging new friendships also with other young ladies who are Muslims and share the same values and beliefs.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Raising children comes with so many challenges. As babies, we are faced with certain challenges and as they become toddlers and young children, they present with a whole bunch of new challenges.
During the teenage years the challenges again come to change and the ones you are facing with your daughter are common especially for those living in the West where the Muslim population is smaller and it is seen as a ‘normal’ part of growing up to mix with boys, drink alcohol and attend parties and nightclubs.
The challenge with this for Muslim teens is that all of these things are Haram and incompatible with Islam for various reasons.
I am surprised that a sheikh has advised that you attend parties and nightclubs with her since these are clearly forbidden in Islam. Perhaps you could go back to this sheikh again and ask for clarification in case you misunderstood.
Daughter
The Immodest Desires of My Daughter
Regardless of this, it certainly is important to engage with her on the matter rather than push it aside, ignore it or even fight with her about it at this point. This is important because as your friends have also said, this is not setting a good example for your younger daughter.
Good communication
She looks up to your daughter as a role model and will likely seek to copy her from now and as she grows up so it is important that you set things straight with your teen daughter before it has an impact on your younger daughter too.
You have to be careful how you do this to ensure that she takes heed and listens to you. Being too harsh may only push her to it more, whereas being too lenient will only allow her to continue her behaviour.
My Toddler is Touching His Privates! - About Islam
There are a few ways to approach this of which you could try one or a combination depending on the kind of person she is and what you think she will be most responsive to.
The first approach is to simply talk to her about it and your concerns. Let her know that you understand that her friends are all doing these things and this is why she wants to do the same so that she doesn’t get left out.
Letting her know that you understand why she is behaving like this will make her more likely to continue to listening to you more so than if you are reprimanding and shouting at her for her behavior.
Likewise, you could take a harsher approach of forbidding her from doing these things, but this is more likely to encourage her to keep sneaking out for fear that she will be punished in one way or another.
The fact that she is even sneaking out to do these things in the first place, while not being a good thing to do, is an indication that she knows it is wrong and that you wouldn’t approve, which is a good thing.
Explain your reasons
Let her know why her behaviour concerns you and do so with Islamic explanations to support what you are saying. Also remind her about her younger sister and how she will be seeking to copy her.
When you talk to her this will be an opportunity to take a collaborative approach to getting through this situation. As an 18-year-old she should be encouraged to a state of independence so to be telling her what she can and can’t do prevents this. However, independence needs nurturing and support from others.
In this case, you and her could talk about and come to an agreement on the alternative to maintaining friendships.
Rather than forbidding her to see them instead ask her if there’s anything else that they like to do that doesn’t involve parties and boys and facilitate this for her instead.
This way she will feel supported by you and more likely to listen to your concerns about her going to parties. Also, her needs for friendship will be met in a way that is more acceptable and perhaps she will feel less inclined or pressured into things that are not acceptable.
o
If you feel that she won’t be so responsive to you in having this talk, then you might ask someone else in the family who you feel she would be most likely to listen to.
Making new friends
Additionally, you can be supporting her in forging new friendships also with other young ladies who are Muslims and share the same values and beliefs. Be a role model to her by attending sisters’ events in the local masjid and invite her to go with you.
There may be others there her age, or you may meet other sisters who have children her age. Encourage such friendships and especially connect with those who have children her age so that you can collaboratively facilitate such friendships.
In sha Allah as your daughter develops strong friendships with other sisters her age she will find it even easier to leave behind the activities of those that she currently spends time with.
Attends such events and even being with other sisters her age will help to boost her connection with Islam which will be another thing that will help separate herself from doing things that are not acceptable in Islam for fear of Allah as well as simply having a deeper understanding of why such things are forbidden.
May Allah reward your concerns to raise your children in the correct way. May He guide you in helping her and may He guide her on the righteous path.
My Teenage Son Hits Me, What Should I Do?
04 April, 2020
QMy husband died four years ago. After his death, my son, 14, turned into another person. He became very aggressive. He no longer obeys or respects me.
Whenever I try to correct him he starts yelling at me and even beats me. When I try to stop him by spanking him he gets more violent and starts kicking and punching things around.
Once, he grabbed me by the neck and said he’d kill me if I ever dared stop him again.
I feel weak, depressed and don’t know what to do. How can I stop him from being aggressive and improve our relation?
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
04 April, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•If there are other male relatives near by, please get them involved insha’Allah in your and your son’s life right now.
•If there are not any family members who can help, please speak with the imam at your masjid to see if he or brothers there can assist.
•Please do reach out to others sister for help, as well as get your son into counseling as soon as possible.
• Additionally, if you ever do feel unsafe again, please have someone you can call for help, or call the local authorities.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. May Allah SWT grant mercy and ease to both you and your family.
Little girl crying in the corner Domestic violence concept
My Daughter Says " I Hate You", How to Respond?
Although it has been four years, your son obviously has not dealt well with the death of his father and it has now festered into a situation that cannot and should not be tolerated.
As you know disrespect of one’s parents is haram and physical abuse of anyone-especially of one’s mother is most sinful and haram.
Your son understandably is taking the death of his father very hard. While we all have our own ways of dealing with death, often teens have a much harder time dealing with death, especially when it is the death of a parent. There are several stages one usually goes through when a loved one dies.There are several stages one usually goes through when a loved one dies.
These may include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (PsychCentral).
My Teenage Son Hits Me, What Should I Do? - About Islam
While the stages usually follow a sequence based on emotional ability and reasoning, they can often come in different sequences of being skipped altogether.
Sister it sounds as if your son is not only obviously angry but depressed as well. His intensely violent reactions and disrespect come from a place that is deeply rooted in pain.
While I am not sure if he has ever displayed instability or violence before, I would highly suggest dear sister that you contact his physician as soon as possible to have him evaluated and referred to counseling.
If there are any other family members who can talk with your son (male preferably), take him out, and spend time with him this may provide your son with an outlet for his anger and rage.
He may be able to vent his pain more easily to a male figure who was not as closely connected to his father as you are as his wife.
Sometimes when a parent dies, the remaining parent stands as a constant reminder of the missing parent and the child cannot cope with the loss.
I would kindly suggest sister that if there are other male relatives near by, please get them involved insha’Allah in your and your son’s life right now.
Not only is your son a danger to you with his aggression, but he may also be a danger to himself. If there are not any family members who can help, please speak with the imam at your masjid to see if he or brothers there can assist.
Please do reach out to others sister for help, as well as get your son into counseling as soon as possible.
Additionally, if you ever do feel unsafe again, please have someone you can call for help, or call the local authorities.
Your son loves you sister, he just needs help right now and you need to ensure your safety as well as help your family heal from the trauma of your husband’s death.
