The Cohesive Nature of the Family


(part 1 of 4): Introduction


God says in the Quran—in a passage that the Prophet, may the mercy and


blessings of God be upon him, used to repeat often when he would begin his


speeches:


“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you


from a single person, and from him He created his wife,


and from them both He created many men and women and


fear God through Whom you demand your mutual (rights),


and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship).


Surely, God is Ever an All-Watcher over you” (Quran 4:1)


The family is the nucleus of society as a whole. If the family is on a sound


foundation, it is more likely that society as a whole will be in a good state.


Thus, in general, the messengers of God, the prime examples for humans,


adhered to this institution of marriage and family. God states,


“Verily, We have sent messenger before you and appointed


for them spouses and children…” (Quran 13:38)


The Prophet Muhammad also established marriage as his way of life,


saying:


“By God, I am the most fearful of God of you and I have the most piety;


however, I fast and break my fast, pray [at night] and sleep and I marry


women. Whoever turns away from my sunnah[1] is not of me.” (Saheeh


Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)


Undoubtedly, Islam puts a great emphasis on family relations and


cohesion. Scholars of Islamic Law have noted that when one studies the laws


found in Islam and what seems to be the wisdom behind them, one finds that


they have been laid down to establish, protect, reinforce and perpetuate specific


necessities of life. The necessities of life as envisioned by Islamic Law are:


(1) religion,


(2) life,


(3) familial ties and relationships,


(4) mental capacity and


(5) wealth and property.


Thus, for example, one need only ponder over the stringent laws related to


the preservation of the sanctity of the family to understand the great emphasis


that Islam places on the family. In the “modern West,” nowadays, for example,


adultery and other acts that strike at the very foundation of a family are not


considered crimes.[2] In Islam, the situation is very different. Islam exhorts all


the members of a family to treat each other well while avoiding promiscuous


acts that are evil in themselves and harmful to any marriage. God says, for


example:


“And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse.


Verily, it is a greatly lewd act, and an evil way.” (Quran


17:32)


However, these exhortations are not simply hollow words. Instead, they


are also backed up with the force of law for some of the most egregious acts


that cannot be overlooked. Thus, God commands:


“The woman and the man guilty of illegal sexual


intercourse, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let


not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment


prescribed by God, if you believe in God and the Last Day.


And let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”


(Quran 24:2)


Pity is not allowed to overrule what must be done, because in the end, that


pity—and pity is something which drives someone to do good to others—will


lead to evil results. Furthermore, in a saying of the Prophet recorded by al-


Bukhari and Muslim, it is confirmed that the he ordered stoning to death for the


adulterer. In fact, Islam goes well beyond that to protect the sanctity of the


family: those who falsely accuse chaste women of such evil deeds are also to


receive severe punishments. God says:


“And those who accuse chaste women, and produce not


four witnesses, flog them with eighty stripes, and reject


their testimony forever, they indeed are the disobedient to


God.” (Quran 24:4)


In particular, God offers guidance to humankind concerning behavior with


all of the members of the family. For the sake of brevity, this short article shall


prevent an overview of the proper behavior of a Muslim toward the other


members of his family, including parents, children, spouses and other relatives.


The Parents


God has demanded that Muslims treat their parents in the best possible


fashion. Muslims must be grateful people. They must be grateful to God and


to all who do them well. After God, there is perhaps no one who deserves a


person’s gratitude more than his parents. Thus, numerous verses of the Quran


touch upon the question of the treatment of parents. Indeed, in more than one


place, God has closely tied good behavior towards parents with the command


to worship Him alone. Note, for example, the following verse of the Quran:


“Worship God and join none with Him in worship, and do


good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, the poor, the neighbour


who is near of kin, the neighbour who is a stranger, the


companion by your side, the wayfarer (you meet), and


those (slaves) whom your right hands possess. Verily, Allah


does not like such as are proud and boastful” (Quran 4:36)


God also says:


“Say (O Muhammad): Come, I will recite what your Lord


has prohibited you from: Join not anything in worship with


Him; be good and dutiful to your parents…” (Quran


6:151)


“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but


Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of


them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to


them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address


them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of


submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My


Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did foster me


when I was small.’ Your Lord knows best what is in your


inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, verily, He is Ever


Most Forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and


again in obedience, and in repentance.” (Quran 17:23-25)


“And (remember) when We took a covenant from the


Children of Israel, (saying): Worship none but God (Alone)


and be dutiful and good to parents…” (Quran 2:83)


The Prophet also emphasized good treatment of one's parents, putting it


after prayer in its proper time as a deed that is most beloved to God: The


Prophet was asked:


“What deed is the most beloved to God?” He replied, “Prayer in its


proper time.” He was asked, “Then what deed?” He replied, “Being


dutiful to one’s parents…” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)


God reminds the believers that their parents, in particular the mother, went


through a great deal of hardship and effort to raise their child and therefore they


are deserving of love, respect and gratitude in return. God says:


“And (remember) when Luqman said to his son when he


was advising him, ‘O my son! Join not in worship others


with God. Verily! Joining others in worship with God is a


great wrong indeed.’ And We have enjoined on man (to be


dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in


weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and


his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your


parents, unto Me is the final destination.” (Quran 31:13-14)


“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to


his parents. His mother bears him with hardship and she


brings him forth with hardship, and the bearing of him,


and the weaning of him is thirty months, till when he


attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: ‘My


Lord! Grant me the power and ability that I may be


grateful for Your Favor which You have bestowed upon


me and upon my parents, and that I may do righteous good


deeds, such as please You, and make my off-spring good.


Truly, I have turned to You in repentance, and truly, I am


one of the Muslims (submitting to Your Will).’” (Quran


46:15)


Thus, in particular, the mother is deserving of the greatest friendship and


closeness from her children. The Prophet was once asked:


“Who among the people has the most right for my good companionship?”


The Prophet replied, “Your mother.” The man asked, “And then


whom?” The Prophet replied again, “Your mother.” The man again


asked, “And them whom?” the Prophet once again said, “Your mother.”


The man asked once more, “And then whom?” This time the Prophet


said, “Your father.” (Saheeh Muslim)


Footnotes:


[1] Sunnah: Teachings and Way. (IslamReligion)


[2] In 1969, an English judge told a plaintiff who complained about his wife’s behavior with a


friend of his that his thinking was old-fashioned and that he has to realize that he is now


living in 1969. [That story was quoted in Yoosuf al-Aalim, Al-Maqaasid al-Aaammah li-l-


Shareeah al-Islaamiyyah (Riyadh: International Islamic Publishing House, 1994), p. 397.]


Today, there are countless disputes between husbands and wives wherein the husband denies


that the children they have in their household are his, causing hatred, friction and destruction


in the marriage. One can rightfully ask: Is this how a “modern, civilized” marriage or family


is supposed to be?


(part 2 of 4): The Role of Husband and Wife


The Spouse[1]


Marriage is a very important institution in Islam. The Quran shows that


there is a clear bond between men and women. In numerous places in the


Quran, God reminds humans that they are from the same original human


being. It is through this bond that they are interconnected and through these


bonds that some of their rights upon one another are established. God states at


the opening of Chapter 4, entitled “The Women”:


“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you


from a single person, and from him He created his wife,


and from them both He created many men and women and


fear God through whom you demand your mutual (rights),


and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship)!


Surely, God is Ever an All-Watcher over you.” (Quran 4:1)


However, beyond the beginning that the two sexes have in common, God


points out that the love and affection that He has created in the hearts of the


spouses towards another is one of His great signs that act as portents for those


people of understanding. In other words, such people can look at this aspect of


creation and be reminded of the greatness of God’s work and power, the


perfection of His creation and the magnificent mercy God has placed in this


world. God says:


“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you


wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose


and comfort in them, and He has put between you affection


and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed Signs for a people


who reflect.” (Quran 39:21)


God also says:


“He it is who created you from a single person (Adam), and


then He has created from him his wife, in order that he


might enjoy the pleasure of living with her…” (Quran


7:189)


Thus, according to the Quran, the relationship between a man and his wife


should be one of love, mercy and mutual understanding. God also commands


men to treat their wives kindly in the verse:


“…And consort with your wives in a goodly manner, for if


you dislike them, it may well be that your dislike something


which God might yet make a source of abundant good.”


(Quran 4:19)


A few words about the purpose of marriage in Islam should be given. This


is needed because many times people enter into marriage or desire to get


married without realizing the roles and purpose of marriage itself. In turn, they


do not realize the kinds of responsibilities that will be on their shoulders when


they do get married. However, if the purposes of marriage are known and the


responsibilities that marriage will entail are understood at the outset, once


again, the probability that the marriage will be a successful marriage will be


enhanced. The person will know what is expected of him, both with respect to


his responsibilities and duties and his rights.


Obviously, the purpose of marriage is not simply “fun” or the release of


“animal urges”. There is much more to marriage than that. Some of the goals


behind marriage include[2]: procreating, experiencing permissible physical


pleasure, attainment of one’s complete maturity, mutually assisting one another


in making one’s life in this world, attaining numerous psychological and


physiological benefits, forming the cornerstone of a moral society, bringing up


the next generation in a setting that is most conducive for moral and spiritual


growth and binding peoples and families together.


The Rights of a Husband and a Wife


In order for a marriage to work best, each partner should understand fully


well his or her rights, responsibilities, roles and obligations. For this reason,


Islamic Law has laid down very clear rights and responsibilities for a Muslim


husband and wife. At the same time, though, every married person must


realize that one’s spouse is first and foremost another Muslim. He/she is one’s


brother/sister in Islam. Therefore, all the rights that fall upon a Muslim due to


the general brotherhood of Islam are also due to one’s spouse. There are books


on the behavior of a Muslim, brotherhood and love and loyalty among


Muslims, and all of those principles apply to a married person as his spouse is


part of that Islamic brotherhood and community. Furthermore, the Prophet,


may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, also stressed this point when


he stated:


“None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for


himself.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)


However, one’s spouse has even more rights upon a person due to the great


and important contract that has been contracted between them.[3]


Therefore, when discussing the rights of the husbands and wives, this


matter should not be looked at in a cold or legal fashion. The relationship


between the husband and wife must be much more than a matter of rights stated


by the law that each must abide by. Instead, it should be a relationship of love,


support and mutual understanding. Each spouse should take into consideration


the needs and abilities of the other spouse. They should attempt to make each


other happy, even if they have to compromise sometimes, and not simply be


out to make sure that they are getting all of their rights in the marriage.


Actually, it is usually the case that neither spouse is completely fulfilling the


rights of the other and making the other happy. Hence, they both have to


realize and accept their shortcomings.


The Prophet, in particular, advised the husbands to treat their wives in the


best way perhaps due to their greater authority or due to their greater


strength, in general. The Prophet said:


“The best of you is the one who is best to his family (wife) and I am the


best of you to my family.” (Al-Tirmidhi and ibn Majah)


Footnotes:


[1] For more details on the Islamic laws of marriage, see the author’s “The Fiqh of the Family,


Marriage and Divorce” (American Open University, 1997), passim. The discussion here is


based on sections of that work.


[2] Cf., Abdul Rahman Abdul Khaaliq, Al-Zawaaj fi Dhill al-Islaam (Kuwait: al-Daar al-


Salafiyyah, 1988), pp. 21ff.


[3] God says in the Quran, “And how could you take it [back] while you have gone in unto


each other and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant” (Quran 4:21).


(part 3 of 4): Mutual Rights of the Spouses


Actually, both spouses, in general, fail to some extent in their fulfilling of


the other’s obligations. Hence, before criticizing the other or being harsh with


the other due to some shortcoming, the person should look to himself and


realize what wrong he himself is doing.


At the same time, though, Islamic Law has clearly laid down some rights


and responsibilities so that both parties in the marriage know exactly what is


expected of them and know what they need to fulfill to be a proper spouse.


Thus, for example, God says:


“…And they [women] have rights [over their husbands]


similar to those over them according to what is


reasonable…” (Quran 2:228)


In sum, the rights of the wife or the obligations of the husband include,


among others, the following:


(1) Receiving her proper dower: God says:


“And give the women their dower with a good heart; but if


they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to


you, take it and enjoy it without fear of any harm.” (Quran


4:4)


(2) Being fully and completely financially maintained by her husband: God


says:


“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women,


because God has given the one more (strength) than the


other, and because they support them from their means…”


(Quran 4:34)


Furthermore, in a hadeeth recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim, the Prophet,


may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, told Hind bint Utbah, when


she complained that her husband (Abu Sufyan) was very stingy and was not


maintaining her and she asked if she could take from his wealth without his


knowledge:


“Take what is sufficient for you and your child, according to what is


customary.”


(3) Being treated in a proper and kind manner: God states:


“…And consort with your wives in a goodly manner, for if


you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something


which God might yet make a source of abundant good”


(Quran 4:19)


(4) Having the right to sexual intercourse: In the Sahih of Ibn Hibban there is


the following narration:


The wife of Uthman ibn Madh’oon complained to the Messenger of God


that her husband had no need for women. During the day, he would fast


and at night, he would pray. The Prophet asked him, “Am I not the best


example for you to follow?” He answered, “Certainly, may my father and


mother be sacrificed for you.” The Messenger of God then told him, “As


for you, you pray during the night and you fast during the day. Certainly,


your wife has a right upon you. And your body has a right upon you. So


pray and sleep and fast and break your fast.”


(5) Having the right to “privacy”: Note the following hadeeth of the Prophet:


“Is there any man among you who goes to his wife, closes the door behind


then, covers themselves, and conceals themselves by God’s concealing.”


They said, “Yes.” He then said, “Then he sits after that [with others] and


he says, ‘I did this and that.’” They were silent. He then turned to the


women and said, “Do you any of you talk about such things?” They were


also silent. Then a young girl came up on his toes so the Prophet could see


her and hear her and she said, “O Messenger of God, they [the men]


certainly talk about it and they [the women] also talk about it.” He said,


“Do you know what they are like? They are like a female devil who met a


devil in the street and they satisfied their desires with the people looking


on.”[1]


(6) The right to being taught or learning her religion.


On the other hand, the rights of the husband or the responsibilities of the


women include:


(1) Being the head of the household: God has said:


“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women,


because God has given the one more (strength) than the


other, and because they support them from their means…”


(Quran 4:34)


Although this is usually stated as a right of the husband, it is actually a


heavy responsibility on his shoulders, as it means that he has the responsibility


to guide his family and keep them along the straight path.


(2) Having the right to be obeyed: This goes with the first right. A person


cannot be the head of something if he has no authority.


(3) Having his wife answer his call to meet his sexual needs.


(4) That the wife will not allow anyone in his house except by his permission:


In a hadeeth recorded in al-Bukhari and Muslim, the Messenger of God


said:


“Do not allow anyone into his house except by permission.”


If the husband and wife enter into the marriage with the right intention of


pleasing God and pleasing each other, recognizing their roles and


responsibilities in the marriage and treating each other with proper Islamic


behavior, God willing, their union will be a blessed union that will stretch from


this life into the Hereafter.


Having said what was just said about marriage, Islam, though, is also a


practical religion. It takes into consideration all possible common scenarios. It


is possible for a man and woman to enter into a union with good intentions yet


their personalities and likes simply do not coincide with one another. There are


times in which a good marriage simply cannot be achieved and the spouses


enter into a state of misery. Under such circumstances, Islamic law allows for


an end to the marriage and their suffering.[2] The goal is to either stay together


in a friendly manner or to separate in a goodly manner. Thus, for example,


God says:


“And when you have divorced women and they have


fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, either take


them back on reasonable basis or set them free on


reasonable basis…” (Quran 2:231)


God also says:


“Then when they are about to fulfill their term appointed


[bringing an end to the divorce], either take them back in a


good manner or part with them in a good manner…”


(Quran 65:2)


Obviously, divorce is not a desired goal or a light matter. In a perfect


world, all married couples would be in bliss. However, there are times in


which this option is the best for all parties concerned. Thus, the option of


divorce is in accord with the overall goal of preserving the family—it is not


simply quantity, though, such that all marriages always stay in tact, that is


desired but quality.


Footnotes:


[1] Abu Dawud.


[2] Unfortunately, in some Muslim cultures today, divorce has become so “shameful” they


have neglected this important guidance of Islamic Law, leading to spouses suffering in


silence. This is definitively not the goal of Islamic Law concerning such issues.


(part 4 of 4): Children and Relatives


The Children


It is clear from many verses in the Quran that having children is considered


a blessing from God. Hence, God says while recounting some of his blessings


upon humankind:


“God has made for you wives of your own kind, and has


made for you, from your wives, sons and grandsons, and


has bestowed on you good provision. Do they then believe


in false deities and deny the Favor of God (by not


worshipping God Alone).” (Quran 16:72)


Thus, one finds the prophet Zachariah praying to God that He bestow upon


him children (Quran 3:38). In addition, having children is something known to


be beloved to parents. Thus, God says:


“Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this


world...” (Quran 18:46)


At the same time, though, every parent must realize that having children is


a great responsibility and trial from God. God has said:


“Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas


God—with Him is a great reward (Paradise).” (Quran


64:15)


God also says,


“O you who believe, guard yourselves and your families


from the Hell-fire whose fuel is men and stones…” (Quran


66:6)


The meaning of this verse was reiterated by the Prophet Muhammad, may


the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, when he said:


“All of you are shepherds and all of you will be asked about your wards...


The man is responsible for his household and will be asked about his


responsibilities. The wife will be asked about the house of her husband


and her responsibilities.”[1]


Islam, therefore, fills the human with appreciation for being blessed with a


child while at the same time realizing that this child is a heavy responsibility.


The parents must care for the child and bring the child up in the best possible


manner, trying to protect the child from the Hellfire.


Muslim scholars consider that the rights of children appear long before they


are even conceived, via the selection of a pious and righteous spouse. This is


the first step in providing a good household and environment for the child.


Around the time of the child’s birth, there are other important obligations, such


as giving the child a good name and offering an animal sacrifice on the child’s


behalf.[2] Beyond that, the most important rights of the child include:


(1) being maintained and provided for in a healthy manner;


(2) being taught the tenets of the religion;


(3) being treated with compassion and mercy;


(4) being just among multiple siblings; and


(5) having a good example set for them by their parents.


Other Relatives


A family also includes siblings and other kinfolk. Islam has certainly not


ignored any of the relatives of an individual. In numerous places in the Quran,


God emphasizes the importance of treating one’s relatives in a good and kindly


fashion. God says, for example:


“Worship God and join none with Him in worship, and do


good to parents, kinsfolk…” (Quran 4:36)


God also speaks about spending on one’s relatives:


“They ask you (O Muhammad) what they should spend.


Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and


kindred…” (Quran 2:215)


God also says:


“It is not piety that you turn your faces towards east and


(or) west (in prayers); but Al-piety is (the quality of) the


one who believes in God, the Last Day, the Angels, the


Book, the Prophets and gives his wealth, in spite of love for


it, to the kinsfolk…” (Quran 2:177)


The Prophet Muhammad was requested:


“Inform me of a deed that will take me closer to Paradise and distance me


from the Hell-fire.” He replied, “Worship God and do not ascribe any


partner to Him, establish the prayer, give the zakat and keep the ties of


kinship.”[3]


Keeping the ties of kinship refers to doing good towards them with one’s


speech, actions and wealth. It includes kind words, visits, charity and


generosity. It also includes keeping any harm from coming to them and doing


one’s best to bring happiness to them.


The Muslim must understand that keeping the ties of kinship is an


obligation and not simply a meritorious act. In the Quran, God praises those…


“…who join that which God has commanded to be joined


(i.e. they are good to their relatives and do not sever the


bond of kinship), fear their Lord, and dread the terrible


reckoning” (Quran 13:21)


The Prophet said:


“The one who cuts off the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.”[4]


Islam has emphasized every type of familial tie possible. It has provided


guidance showing the importance of the ties with parents, children, spouses and


other relatives. It exhorts every Muslim to fulfill these ties to receive God’s


pleasure in return. In addition (although not completely stressed in this short


paper), it has provided laws and strict regulations that allow the individual to


realize how best to keep the proper ties with all of his or her kith and kin.


Footnotes:


[1] Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim.


[2] In this sacrifice, called the aqeeqah, meat is distributed to the poor, one’ family, and


friends and neighbors (IslamReligion).


[3] Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim.


[4] Saheeh Muslim.