Question

Assalamu alaykum.

I have big problems with my husband, as he, after eight years of marriage, has started to complain about everything that I do. He insults me every day and tells me that the only responsibility that he has towards me is to financially support me, meaning that he does not want to give me more children (we have three, aged three, five, and seven). Also, when we got married I weighed 54 kilos. I weigh 53 kilos now, and he says that I am too skinny, so he does not want to be intimate with me. I eat normally, but the problem is that I have too much stress in my life, which prevents me to gain weight. In the interest of our children, I have made hijrah (emigration) with them to an Islamic country. My mother-in-law has been really bad with me and the children here, and my husband knows about that, but we do not have money to rent another home. I want to divorce from my husband, but he says that his condition is that I write a contract saying that I will never marry again. I agreed, but he still does not give me the divorce. I am in bad situation since I cannot get a job here and cannot take the children and go back to where we used to live because the government wants to steal our children. Being married to my husband, who abuses me mentally, and being around his mom has caused my faith to become very low, and it had never been low before. I feel like I am sacrificing too much for my children's sake and to make my husband happy, but all he does is complain. It is impossible to make him happy; he wants to control everything and fights about small things, like where I put the bread or how I bathe the children. My husband does not give me any rights except for money for me and the children. My patience has totally vanished. He gets worse every time he comes to visit us, and his older brother and mom like to cause problems in our marriage.

Answer

May Allah make it easy for you and reward you for seeking advice, because in these issues that you are facing, it is difficult to remain focused on what is the right decision, even if it goes against your desire. In situations like this, many people focus on their immediate comfort as a solution when they cannot take it anymore, but we have to look at the outcome of decisions so that we do not regret them in the future.

From your letter, I understand that you left your home country for the sake of Allah and made hijrah trying to protect the children’s identity as Muslims and trying to live a life that is pleasing to Allah.

If that is the case and the goal is to do what is pleasing to Allah while seeking the reward of the Hereafter, you have to understand certain things in order to help you understand the advice that I will give you at the end:

1- The Uboodiyyah (servitude) and worship to Allah are unconditional for the believers. We are created to worship Allah alone.


2- The Uboodiyyah to Allah is required under any circumstances, at times of ease, at times of difficulty, being poor or rich, and also when dealing with marriage and relationships in general.


3- To achieve the Uboodiyyah, all people are tested; some with ease, and some with difficulties, and Allah, the Most Wise, knows best who deserves what. Some people are tested with matters of ease and happiness in this life; wealth, a good husband, good relationships, children, etc., and others are tested with difficulties; poverty, sickness, bad husband, etc. No one is less than the other, these are just different tests, and everyone should turn to Allah, the Most High.

Having said that, looking into your case, you need to understand that this is a test from Allah for you to do the right thing seeking rewards from Allah. Your case has two folds; yourself and your husband. As for your husband, he needs to consult a person of knowledge (a scholar). Either you advise him if he listens to you, or you try to reach out to someone who can help him and seek help and advice from a scholar or the righteous people in his town. You are not responsible for your husband’s behavior, but you are responsible for your own behavior and actions. Therefore, I advise you to do the following:

1- Focus on your faith first, that is your responsibility; repent to Allah, make istighfar (asking for forgiveness), pray on time, supplicate, wake up during the last third of the night and pray and supplicate, give charity, etc. You should do whatever increases your faith.

2- Never say: my husband caused my faith to be low; that is not an excuse. Faith increases with good deeds, and one of the good deeds is having patience. Patience is bitter and does not feel good, but it is a great act of worship. Leave the results to Allah and be patient.

3- Being patient means that you fulfill the rights of Allah in your life as well as the rights of your husband, and that you take every verbal or mental abuse from him as an expiation of sins and for reward from Allah. In other words, ignore your husband’s bad actions towards you, and focus on the actions of Allah. The action of Allah is that He is testing you through your husband, so show Allah your good patience.

4- Do not ask for a divorce now, but work on your faith, as I mentioned, and take care of your kids and husband. The more you turn to Allah with supplications and steadfastness, the more things will change, Allah willing.

5- Many women encountering similar situations like you divorce, and then they return to their own countries, where their faith changes and they lose a lot, especially those having children, etc.

6- Your husband is wrong according to what you wrote, but you are only responsible for your own actions, and Allah can change his heart if you turn to Allah alone seeking help by reciting Quran and being steadfast in the matters related to faith.

7- If you try that for some time, then you may let us know if there is any improvement.

May Allah bless your marriage, soften your husband’s heart, and reward you for your patience.

Question

I have been married for eleven years and have two sons. Before marriage, I used to like a guy, and we both wanted to get married, but my parents refused and married me to my second cousin from Pakistan. The first two-and-a-half years, we were fighting all the time. I used to hate myself. Then I started to think that I needed to give this relationship a chance. I told my husband everything about my past. He was angry but told me that he forgave me. Later on, the guy I used to like got married to my cousin and came to the UK. At this point, I was content with my life, but my husband started doubting my intentions. He would find everything about me suspect and would hate it when I used to dress up and did not want me to talk to any of my cousins. To some extent, I agreed, and I stopped taking care of myself, and he was happy then. He did not like it that my parents spoke to my cousin and used to argue with me and say that if my parents speak to them I could not go to my parents. I love my family more than anything and told him that I am not leaving my family. I started praying and wearing the hijab and felt motivated, but he kept saying that I pray while I am a sinner and made me feel bad. I pray that Allah guides him, but I feel depressed. He says that I stress him out, and the only reason he says that is because I said that I will forgive people who have hurt me and will try and be a better Muslim, and I told him to be the same or try and be a bigger person and forgive others. He hits me when he is angry and hates family so much. I do not know what to do. I feel that he hates me no matter what I do. I cook and clean and try to keep him happy, but he is only happy when I am bitter like him. I was brought up to be kind and forgiving, but he says that I am being fake. I try to see the best in people, but he accuses me and says that I fancy them. I tried changing him, but he thinks that I am putting him under the thumb. We both love our kids, but when he is angry, he says that he will take the kids away from me. He basically wants me to stop talking to my whole family, which is something I cannot do. Please advise.

Answer

May Allah make it easy for you. To be able to give you advice, it is important that we see what went wrong, and even though it is in the past, it is imperative to know the past in order to be able to go forward with a clear vision and steadfastness.

It was a big mistake from your end to inform your husband about your previous relationship. Many people think that being faithful requires one to confess about one’s past. This is wrong as long as the person repented to Allah.

Since it already happened, then looking forward, you should first be patient with the fact that you brought this upon yourself by feeling that your husband has an excuse. It is very hard for a husband to see the man that his wife used to like. Your husband needs to control himself and seek counseling or go to one of the trusted people of knowledge and take his advice.

As for you, I advise that you first and foremost be patient with your husband and continue to be a good wife to him. And here are some of the things that I think you should do:

1- Repent to Allah and make a lot of istighfar (asking forgiveness). It does not mean that you should feel bad, no; rather, feel honored that Allah guided you. Istighfar removes harm, including that of relationships.


2- Feel for your husband and seek excuses for him; this will cause you to always be kind and humble, even when he is angry.


3- He should never hit you, and he needs to seek help.


4- Always express your love and attention to your husband.


5- Continue your kindness to your family, and never sever the relationship with them, although your husband has rights on you not to visit them except by his permission, convince him that the visits will be only take place at times when no one is there.


6- Never speak about or mention the man that you liked before your marriage.


7- Perform your prayers on time, wake up every day before the Fajr for the night prayer, and supplicate Allah to change your situation to what is best.


8- Allah is the Owner of all things and has control over the hearts; He is the One Who can change your husband’s heart. Therefore, turn to Allah alone and seek help from Him.


9- If Allah guides you to supplicate, then that means that it is more likely to be accepted, so never quit or give up.


10- Life is a struggle and is full of trials, so realize that you are in one and show Allah the goodness in your heart by being grateful to Him.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide your husband to be kind and compassionate.