Who is in charge at home?

This is question that poses itself in an atmosphere where people have turned away from Allah The Almighty, and among families that do not know anything about Islam except its name and do not know anything about the Quran except its script.

It is a question that poses itself in order to restore rights to their owners in many families and to make the man realize his real position in the home and how he could lead it to safety.

Today, the woman is in charge in many Muslim houses. As a result, concepts are mixed up, scales are unbalanced and values have disappeared. How dangerous it is when the woman is in charge of the man and his children! Hence, the family has disintegrated and disunited in the presence of a husband without authority, a wife with a free hand who is driven by curiosity and whim, and children lost between quarreling parents.

Unity of leadership is vital to the safety of any boat, and the boat that represents the home requires a leader to bear responsibility and maintain the stability of the entire family system. This is the normal state of affairs which is in harmony with the rules of the Shari‘ah with regards to men.

Which of the spouses should logically assume leadership? Should it be the woman who has a flaming temper and emotions, which are naturally required by her main role in taking care of the children and adorning and perfuming the house with beauty? Or is it to be the man whom Islam obliged to provide for them, so that the woman may dedicate herself to her grand task and exert effort in it as much as she can?

Islam assigned the man to be in charge of the wife in order to achieve its normative system as every activity should involve a leader and authority, and it chose the man for this task because he is physically and mentally most fit to bear it.

Regretfully, many men have willingly renounced their right to be in charge of their home out of ignorance of Islamic teachings. This has created great problems which have threatened the very stability of the home. People may think that if the man renounces his right to be in charge of the wife, this would make her happy. This is a huge mistake. The woman by her nature loves to take recourse in a strong support, and even when a woman proudly tells her friends that her husband obeys her and does not disobey any of her orders, thereby showing the weakness of the husband's authority, she believes in her heart that there is a fault and weakness in the structure of the family.

Conversely, the woman who openly complains about the strong personality and full authority of her husband finds comfort and happiness which suit her nature. Here is an example showing the truth in this issue: When security is disturbed in a land, the people of that land can do whatever they like, but they will not find psychological stability and will tremble with fear and anxiety. However, if this land and its affairs are perfectly controlled by tough men, though some people may feel uneasy about that, they will all find inner stability, security and peace of mind.

Thus, if the man renounces his right to be in charge of the woman and this distresses her, it will not make her happy and it weakens the structure of the family and destroys its foundations. The Prophet  said: "A people who entrust their affairs to a woman will never succeed." [Al-Bukhari] This is a general instruction even in the affairs of the home. I believe that the woman should demand that her husband takes charge of the family just as she demands that he financially supports it in order to maintain the stability of the marital life.

To that aim, I introduce this essay, in a series of articles which guides us to the knowledge of the source of danger and disease, and their ill effects. Then, we will elaborate on the true meaning of the man being in charge of the woman and how it works in the home.

 

There are several causes of behavioral problems and psychological disorders that befall our children, some of which afflict them throughout their lives -- such as introversion, aggression and lying. Some of the following causes are fundamental to most of the problems:

• Bad role models

A child could fall into the habit of telling lies if he finds one of the adults telling him a lie or telling a lie to anyone else. A child could learn to cheat and steal when he gives his mother the sum of money that remains after buying bread, for example, and when she finds an extra pound or loaf, she neither rejects the child's behavior nor orders him to return it to the seller.

What does a smoking father expect from his child when he grows up? How could he order him not to smoke if he has been smoking in front of him for many years? Thus, a bad example is among the greatest causes of psychological and behavioral problems from which our children suffer.

• Contempt and humiliation

To beat a child with a shoe, to kick him, slap him on the face, abuse him with the foulest words, criticize him, or humiliate him all lead to the same result: i.e., behavioral and psychological troubles. It will become easy for the child to tell lies, steal, transgress against others, abuse, curse and take what he is suffering from his parents out on other children. Humiliation also includes exaggerated blaming and reproaching, and misusing the reward-and-punishment approach: all of these lead to most behavioral troubles.

• Family problems

What should we expect from children whose fathers and mothers quarrel day and night and probably for the most trivial reasons? Instead of mutual understanding and making arrangements to rear their children, they exchange abuse, insults and accusations. Moreover, the father might beat, drive away or divorce the mother. All of this will lead to psychological and behavioral distortion in the children’s character, particularly if a child loses the sense of security that his peers, who have happy parents and quiet homes, enjoy. This loss makes it easy for the child to steal, tell lies, and act aggressively. A child who lives with feuding parents feels inferior, resents and hates others.

• Excessive cruelty

Some fathers and teachers have the misconception that they will only be respected if they beat the child severely, or if they appear stern, and gloomy, staring and frowning all the time. A father may feel that he will not inspire awe and obedience in the house unless he slaps his children severely on their soft cheeks, even for the most trifling mistakes, and do not contend themselves with maintaining absolute abstention from kissing and embracing them. He does this under the pretext that this might reduce his awe in the sight of his children. However, this reminds us of the man who saw the Messenger of Allah  kissing Al-Hasan and Al-Husayn  thereupon he said, "'I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them.' On that the Messenger of Allah  replied decisively to this cruelty: 'Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.'" Such excessive cruelty with children develops within them a lot of behavioral disorders and psychological troubles in the future. Enuresis (involuntary urination), fear, introversion, telling lies, and other problems are mainly caused by cruelty.

• Spoiling children

Spoiled children are the ones whose parents are over-protective, closely guard them, place them in an incubator-like environment and never let them leave it. Rather, they bring them everything they want or ask for, and such children turn into distorted characters who are indecisive and feel afraid of all that surrounds them, besides being excessively timid, telling lies and harboring feelings of inferiority. The spoiled child's failure to bear any responsibility (since all his demands are answered); subjugating his parents (who, in turn, submit to him); his feeling of haughtiness and arrogance, as evidenced by his repeating the phrase 'My parents never say no to me'; his rebellion against the authority of his parents, and disrespect for them or refusal to comply with their commands: all turn the spoiled child into a person who is incapable of social adjustment, since he always expects his friends and fellows to comply with his arrogance and demands. This is why he is always alone without friends.

• Domination

The direct exaggerated observation assumed by the parents and caregivers to the child deprives him of a sense of security and independence, gives him a false feeling of inferiority, and may, sometimes, force him to tell lies. A child must be observed, but in an indirect, moderate way without interference in all that the child says and does. Excessively domineering parents and caregivers may ask the child, "Why are you looking out of the window? What are you doing in the kitchen? Why are you wearing that shirt?" And other similar questions which only indicate the clear domination of such parents and caregivers, since their children are not in need of that, and its contribution to the upbringing process is negative.

Dear parents and caregivers: let us contemplate the real causes of these problems, given that almost no house is free of them and that they have a negative impact on the upbringing process.