Question

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.

I have a question regarding choosing a spouse and the ruling in Islam. I have known an Arab man from Algeria for about a year and two months, and I am a Muslim non-Arab. He is 29 while I am 33 years old and have been divorced since more than two years. We met about four months ago, and he visited my family with the intention for marriage. I would like to know what kind of spouse a Muslim woman should consider when getting a husband in terms of spiritual and daily living. When I got to know him, he was working in the Middle East with a company. However, there were some issues with the boss, and he attended a court case to claim the unpaid salary. While awaiting the trial, he was without permanent work and was doing ad hoc jobs and volunteering. His residency was cancelled, and he came to visit me for four months to get to know each other and with the intention to get married. Due to the visa requirement – since he is not my spouse yet – he is not able to stay here long and had to return back to his country till the marriage takes place. He is back in his country now and still has not gotten a job, as I was told that there are no jobs in Algeria. He also mentioned that someone who worked overseas will not find a job in his own country. He does not feel at rest in his country and has said that he will wait for any soul to come and rescue him. He expects a simple marriage, which is not an issue for me. It seems impossible for him to be able to provide a dowry and a simple wedding, which I can understand due to his situation. He once asked me what I could do for him and that if I love him and could lessen his sufferings a lot, then what would I be able to give. I am afraid to commit to the marriage soon as I am not sure that he will be able to provide for the family that we will build. He wanted to rush the marriage due to his residency status, which I am not comfortable with as I would like to know him better in terms of his career goals and how well he would be able guide the wife and family Islamically. I believe that one's intention is important.

Answer

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu:

May Allah make it easy for you and bless your life and the decisions that you make. Seeking marriage is an Islamic duty, but we have to make sure that it is done Islamically and in the way Allah wants from us. Allah, the Most High, sent down the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet  for mankind to follow and submit themselves to. For a woman in Islam to get married, she has to have a wali (legal guardian) to perform the marriage, and he is the one who communicates with the intended husband to make sure that he is a trustworthy person. If you have seen this person and there is acceptance between the both of you, then the rest should be left for the guardian since it is not permissible for the both of you to communicate at this level till the marriage contract is established.

Many individuals seek marriage to move to the West, thinking that this would improve their lives. In my opinion, if this person is a sincere Muslim, he should try to marry you and convince you to move with him to a Muslim environment. Allah, the Sustainer, provides wherever the person might be.

I would advise you to have your wali speak to him. If your father and his family are not Muslims, try to go to the Islamic center or a masjid in your locality where people are upon the Sunnah, and seek the help of the community and the community leader. When the family of a Muslim woman are not Muslims, then her guardian is an elder or the imam of the community, you can meet with them in the masjid to help you make a decision.

One of the basic rights of marriage is that the man provides for his wife, so your concerns are legitimate ones, and this man should show clear signs that he can provide for you.


From experience, and as mentioned before, many people use the marriage to move to the West, and then they divorce once they have their citizenship, and in many cases things also work out perfectly, and Allah knows best, and that is why it is important to get your community involved.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to do the right thing.

The enemies of Islam use sexual drive as a weapon to destroy the Muslim Ummah. They regard the power and influence of this weapon as more effective than a thousand assault rifles. Hence, they have inundated us with showers of temptations and drowned us in the seas of sexual desires.

They concluded that “You raise youths in Muslim lands that have no connection with Allah The Almighty. Hence, they become as we wish: they do not care much for important matters, prefer rest and laziness and their only concern is to fulfill lustful desires. So when they earn any money or assume high positions, they do so only for the sake of these desires.” This is what they wanted all along. They found a lost weapon in this sexual drive in order to exterminate us after they could not do so in wars.

Their widespread trade among us become anything related to sex. Our enemies realized that there is no means to destroy this Ummah except by fighting this religion that calls for chastity, purification and modesty. Hence, the mechanism of their defamatory accusations against Islam, its Book and verses is intensified by saying: It (Islam) calls for suppression, impotence and resists emotions.

Strongest Instinct:

The sexual instinct is the strongest instinct in humans. Allah The Almighty Made marriage the lawful means to satisfy this desire. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His Signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran 30:21]

Allah The Almighty installed this instinct in human nature, man and woman, in order to reproduce and multiply. Islam places regulations, limits and rulings for this instinct so that human reproduction will not be chaotic, lineages will be preserved from any confusion and mankind will be protected from Satan and his schemes.

Views on Sex:

The point of view of men and women to sex differs according to the different stages of life. Sex has a special status in the lives of young men and women despite their innocence, clarity and inexperience. This is especially true when they proceed from the stage of childhood to the stages of puberty, adolescence and then adulthood. They seek the truth behind many unknown matters, want to be familiar with them and desire to know what is done by the adults behind closed doors All of them desire to have relations with the other sex.

As a result, they become obsessed with thinking about the issue of sex and entertain taking the matter into their own hands. Many problems may ensue if parents do not assume their role of guiding and preparing their children for the new social role that they will adopt. Parents should extend to their children scientific and religious books that help culture them so that they have a better understanding of this issue. And it is incumbent that parents think well of their children.

Treatment of this Desire:

The youth should observe the Islamic principles and teachings. The young woman should wear clothing compliant with the Sharee‘ah. She should be chaste and pure and avoid indecent mingling with men. She should not spread temptations by displaying her beauty lest those who have disease in their heart covet her.

Young men should be mindful of Allah The Almighty and not gaze at what Allah The Almighty has made unlawful. They should avoid mingling with the opposite sex and not witness displays that arouse sexual instincts such as pornographic films, photos in magazines, and other similar forms of visual or printed mass media if it contradicts the Sharee’ah of Allah The Almighty.

Islam prescribed the treatment to release this desire in the hastening of marriage for those who are capable. Otherwise, one should persevere through obedience and fasting if incapable.

Sexual activity is viewed in a different manner after marriage since it becomes a permissible right that is practiced in a way that pleases Allah The Almighty. Thus, there is no perversion or sexual deviation.

Etiquette for the Married Couple:

Islam provides much etiquette for the married couple that must be observed during sexual intercourse in order to achieve the goal that is hoped as a result of it. Some of these etiquettes are:

- To mention the Name of Allah The Almighty before having intercourse. The Prophet  instructed us to say: “‘Bismillaah, Allahumma Jannibna As-Shaytaan wajannib As-Shaytaan ma razaqtanaa.' (In the Name of Allah, O Allah, keep Satan away from us and from our offspring).” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

- Islam has safeguarded that the couple deals with each other in a pleasant manner, show strong emotions and are gentle with each other so that each can enjoy the other. This is in order to achieve chastity for both and to satisfy their mutual desires.

- Islam encourages cleanliness and purification and that they adorn themselves in dress and scent for one other.

- Islam encourages keeping this affair private between the couple and that everything which happens between the couple during intercourse is kept strictly between them.

Islam does not look down upon sexual drive as some people may think or call for shunning it. There is no monasticism in Islam. Rather, Islam views the sexual drive as a natural human instinct but sets etiquettes and limits for it in a manner that guarantees its purity and consistency. Thus, the society of the Message (Islam) and Da’wah (calling to Islam) remains pure and clean.