Nina was 18 when she went to University, pursuing her dream in Interior Designing. She did not have plans to marry until she graduated, but she met a “friend” the following year from the next faculty.

They decided to marry after graduation and she slowly broke the news to her parents. Her parents initially were lukewarm when she brought her friend to meet them, but made nothing of the issue as if it wasn’t important, all well-knowing that the couple were seeing each other.

Then she broached the subject of marriage, closer towards graduation. They said, “No.” Firstly, it was because of him being from a different culture, although Muslim. She appealed again, seeing as they had already invested time and energy into their *relationship.*

They persisted in negative. Their reasons began to differ though. He wasn’t of fair complexion, he did not have a car, he was three months younger than she was. The list went on. Her negotiations went back and forth, and her parents told her to work first, and in their own desperate hopes that she would find someone else, who preferably, lived in their neighborhood.

Years passed…

The relationship did not end. Nina’s parents were edgy that she was not married, but still refused to speak to her potential in-laws who had called to discuss marriage prospects. Nina was distancing herself. Nina tried to approach the subject again.

Her friends were all getting married now, and she was approaching her later 20-s and well into her career. Her parents still did not like “him.” Her extended family began to talk; sympathizing with her. And then, her younger sister got married; to someone of her choice but who fit the family criteria.

Nina dwindled quickly into depression. Soon, a well-intentioned uncle intervened. He asked her parents why they were holding her back with marriage, well knowing that the couple spent time together often enough and hours on the phone. Finally, her father divulged: “We are waiting for marriage proposals to come in to the family like the way it used to work. But there don’t seem to be any as yet.”

Nina is an anecdotal story. Many may relate to it, with “arranged marriages” becoming something of the past in some cultures. While her parents seemed supportive of her pursuing an education and jump starting a high-paying career, they were insistent in standing by cultural preferences and practice when it came to marriage, regardless of her pre-marital relationship with this young man.

Arranged marriages are often heard of in Islam, but not all aspects of it are considered Islamic. Families approaching other families with marriage proposals, WITH the consent of the potential brides and grooms – and mutual consultation and chaperone – are the proper mode of conduct for Muslims, whereas forced marriages and cultural preferences over Islamic etiquette go against the teachings of the faith.

While it may be for Nina that her parents were hanging on to the cultural preferences of some communities in Indonesia, other Muslim communities across the world approach the culture of marriage a little differently.

 

Arranged Marriages across Cultures

Saima Khan accepted the marriage proposal of her cousin, through his mother, who was also her maternal aunt.

“It’s normal for Pakistanis to marry within the family, so I accepted it as normal practice. I also knew my aunt very well and we had a really good relationship.” In fact, Saima stayed with her aunt while she was studying for her Bachelor’s degree when she “received” the marriage proposal to her cousin.

He was already working in the United Kingdom, so she accepted and migrated along with the proposal. Soon after that, her in-laws joined her. Many years later, the family is collectively raising three boys and a daughter, all still living in the same home.

Umm ZaynabVanker, a 3rd generation South African Muslim of Indian ancestry, shares her arranged marriage at age 16. “I knew at that young age, what I wanted and what I was looking for in a husband. And he knew what he wanted in a wife.”

A mutual friend expressed her nephew’s interest in getting married during the two short months of study vacation. Her nephew, also a South African, but living in Canada, and studying in Madinah, decided to “meet” with Umm Zaynab, and after a few days, a marriage proposal came in.

“After 5 days of discussions with my parents, thinking and istikhara, I said yes (even though initially I was sure I wasn’t ready to marry yet).  Two weeks later we were married and I left home for good.”

 

The Culture of Marriage

After 24 years of a loving marriage, Umm Zaynab shares that Islam always came first in their many years together. Also, she believes that their marriage did last so long, not through the seeking of respective rights, but as a couple, she and her husband did not have preconceived expectations. “We understood each other’s expectations and respected each other’s opinions even if we disagreed on them.”

Whether it was due to the arranged marriage that helped build their union, she says:“It is more about knowing what is important for us in a marriage and what were we willing to give up or compromise and what we are not.”

“Compatibility is very important, so is communication and joint decisions on matters especially when it affects the family.”

Zahira can relate. Both she and her spouse were products of typical British Indian upbringing, and were introduced by a mutual friend. Not knowing her potential spouse and not feeling very inclined to the relationship was a matter that she could not express when negotiations were on-going. “At that time, it was a case of ‘Allah will put love in your hearts towards each other after you get married.’ So something as trivial as [lack of] ‘feelings’ just wasn’t accepted.”

“So I went ahead and said yes, and told myself it would all be ok and sooner or later I’d feel something towards him.”

Zahira’s marriage took the unfortunate turn for the worse from day-one, where she endured abuse, which spiraled dangerously out of control until she found the courage to leave, 8 years and 2 children late

4 Qualities to Look for in Your Future Wife

When a man is looking for his future wife he is often pulled in at least three directions: what he feels he wants, what his family feels is best and what is truly best for him (speaking Islamically, of course). Hopefully he can do a little leg work and planning to get these streams aligned.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser.” (Al-Bukhari)

Though emotions and hormones easily distract us all, ultimately marriage is like a business contract. Be sure to compile a checklist of key points before meeting any potential spouse and refer to it liberally when your vision gets cloudy.

#1 Religious Commitment

There is a common belief among Muslim men that marrying a good, pious woman will help them be a better Muslim. Maybe, but in reality only you can make yourself a better person and technically if you aren’t praying you aren’t even marriageable.

Looking beyond hijab and abaya, are you on about the same level of religiosity? Do you both pray? Do you both read Qur’an? Does she enjoy being a part of the Muslim community? Be sure your religious commitment currently lines up with room to grow together.

#2 Good Character

The emphasis on a woman’s character is strongly regarded among Muslims as we know she is the backbone of the ummah, as the primary caregiver to her children she will pass on her character traits to them. It is important to build your family with a woman of sound character.

It is also important that you appreciate her personality as you will truly be a team in this endeavor. Get to see how she interacts with different kinds of people, is she consistently kind and compassionate? Does she seem honest or does her body language convey otherwise? Listen to your gut instincts and do not ignore red flags.

#3 Shared Values

Ask yourself what are your life goals and how will you achieve them? Do you plan to spend a lot of time with your children or is acquiring wealth more important to you? Consider how your spouse may help you in achieving your goals.

When you meet with prospective partners, ask them about their life goals and lifestyle needs. Will she want to travel, to entertain company frequently or not much at all? Will she want to always work? Will you be able to help her achieve her goals? Get to know each other.

#4 Attraction

This must be a difficult point for most brothers. It’s important to be realistic. Recognize that firstly you are not entitled to perfection, but also attraction doesn’t occur purely based on physical looks – you must like your wife as well as finding her physically attractive.

In addition to having a checklist to keep you on track, also have an accountability buddy – a family member or good confidant who knows you well and can act as a sound boarding to reflect back to you when you are being realistic versus when you are being rash.   

How to Deal With Enmeshment in Marriage?

The relationship between spouses is one of the most amazing relationships that can exist between two people, it must be nurtured and cared for.

Though it is expected that a husband and a wife would become attached to one another both physically and emotionally, sometimes that attachment becomes so excessive that it actually causes emotional or psychological harm.

Enmeshment describes a dysfunctional relationship between people in which emotional boundaries are so unclear that people have difficulty functioning or developing independently.

This article will examine how couples who find themselves in an enmeshed relationship can begin to restore balance to their marriages and ultimately allow for more growth and development in their relationship with each other and use it as a means to get closer to Allah.

Recognition

One of the hardest parts about restoring balance to an enmeshed relationship is simply recognizing that enmeshment exists—in fact, spouses in such a relationship are often the last ones to realize it.

This is because they have often become so accustomed to their extreme attachment to one another that they think this is the way a marriage should be, the way that should bring them happiness.

Furthermore, couples in enmeshed relationships are sometimes so afraid of being along that they would do anything to convince themselves that their extreme attachment to their spouse is normal and healthy.

In many cases, one spouse is more excessively attached to the marriage than the other; For example, a wife might recognize she is in an enmeshed relationship, while her husband sees this type of relationship as the definition of love.

Consequently, any effort on the part of the wife to find some space and become less enmeshed is seen by her husband as not loving him. This is extremely problematic. The wife might constantly be made to feel guilty for trying to do her own thing or trying to have relationships with other family members and friends; She might often be told by her husband “you’re the only one I can trust or talk to, the only one I can count on,” and this becomes a very heavy load to bear.

Recognizing that one is in an enmeshed relationship thus, often requires one to step outside the relationship and examine it critically and objectively, inspecting its dynamics and assessing whether they are healthy or not.

By doing so, one can begin to recognize some of the following signs of enmeshment:

1- Not being able to tell the difference between one’s own emotions and the emotions of the other spouse.

2- Feeling that one is required to rescue the other spouse from his or her own emotions.

3- Feeling a need to be rescued from one’s own emotions by his or her spouse.

4- Not having any personal emotional time and space from one’s spouse.

5- Not having any substantial relationships with anyone other than one’s own spouse.

 

Communication

The second, very vital step couples should take towards restoring balance to their marriage is communicating their observations about their relationship to one another and expressing their needs for change.

This communication can occur in many contexts and should describe the specific needs each spouse has; For example, expressing the need for space is not nearly as effective as describing the type of space that is needed: creative space, functional space, spiritual space, social space, reflective space.

The more spouses communicate and allow each other to develop such space for themselves, the more energy can be brought back into the marriage to improve it for the better. When communicating their need for change, spouses should keep in mind several important guidelines.

The first is that they should try to clearly define the problem and be honest with their spouses. This tactic is much more effective than one spouse avoiding the other or giving ambiguous clues to the other that may be misunderstood.

Secondly, spouses should avoid waiting until they are feeling totally suffocated by the marriage to ask for space. Doing so often results in explosive communication because of the stress that feeling trapped in a marriage can bring.

Thirdly, spouses must accept that the desire to bring balance to an enmeshed marriage does not mean that the marriage is in trouble or that the spouses love each other any less. On the contrary, it indicates that spouses care deeply about one another and want to promote each other’s emotional development in a healthy way.

Thus, if one finds that his or her spouse is asking for more space, one shouldn’t take it personally but should see it as a chance for positive growth.

Self Development, Love and Support Along the same lines as communicating the need for one’s space is the idea of self ­development. However, in the context of marriage, self­ development should not be at the expense of one’s spouse;­­ it should be within the love and support that exist between a husband and a wife.

An example of this can be seen from the hadith of ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin Al­’As who was married but spent his days fasting and his nights in prayer. Fasting and praying are legitimate ways in which a person can grow closer to Allah and develop himself.

However, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) reprimanded him saying

“O ‘Abdullah! Have I not been formed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?” he said, “Yes, O Allah’s Apostle!” The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them (the fast) at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you.” Sahih Bukhari, 7:127.

Thus a husband should not, as in this example, develop more spiritual and reflective space while neglecting his wife’s basic needs and emotions. Husbands and wives must strive toward their own self improvement and encourage each other’s development with love and support, but must remember that balance is vital to success.

 

Strengthening the Couple’s Relationship with Allah

The last and possibly most important step toward restoring balance to an enmeshed relationship is for spouses to understand that their true happiness can come only from Allah, and that their marriage is a tool through which they can strengthen their relationship with their Creator.

The Prophet (PBUH) said in a well­ known hadith that:

“When one marries, they have fulfilled half of their religion, so let them fear Allah regarding the remaining half.”

Thus, spouses must recognize that their marriages are indeed an integral part of their faith and must not allow the marriage itself to distract them from their attachment and love for Allah. Actions done for the spouse should first be seen in the context of being part of one’s worship to Allah and ultimately being rewarded by Him.

This redirection of attachment to Allah instead of marriage not only strengthens the couple’s relationship with Allah, but also lessens the strain on the marriage as being the only source of happiness and fulfillment.

Marriage, like everything in Islam, should be balanced, easy, and beneficial to those involved. In one hadith narrated by Abu Huraira, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) gives an important reminder to “… do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately…and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target (Paradise) Bukhari, Book 76, Hadith 469.

Applying such advice to marriage is essential to creating the harmony that should exist between husband and wife and allowing each other to grow emotionally and spiritually in the contexts of a healthy marriage.

It should be noted that no article can take the place of professional marital counseling if a need for that exists, and one would pray that couples who find themselves in need of counseling would seek it out insha’Allah.

10 Tips on How to Quit Haram Relationships

Being in a haram (disallowed) relationship is a very common problem that challenges Muslim youths nowadays. It’s very easy to engage in such relationships but to give up is the most difficult part.

 Here we give you 10 tips that will help you break away and stop this Haram relationship for the sake of God.