If you’re reading this, then you either struggle with pornography addiction, or care about someone who does. Please know that you’re not alone, and with the help of Allah, it is possible for you or your loved one(s) to overcome it.
How to quit a pornography addiction
1 – Accept that you have an addiction
Healing always begins with acceptance. Nobody likes labels, but accepting that you have a pornography addiction is the first step of your healing journey. You are not alone, and countless of people around the world have overcome their pornography addiction.
2 – Find a trustworthy support group
I strongly recommend the online resource, Purify Your Gaze. The founder, Brother Zeyad Ramadan has both sincerity and years of expertise in this field. Recovery from addiction is a lifelong journey, and that path doesn’t have to be a lonely one.
There is strength in community, and Purify Your Gaze offers both that as well as the safety of anonymity, through clients using online nicknames.
3 – Be gentle and patient with yourself
Recovery is a lifelong journey, so don’t expect instant results! The more pressure you put on yourself, the more likely you might actually fail. Think of recovery as a marathon instead of a sprint. It is normal to feel disappointed when you relapse, so use that as an opportunity to surrender to Allah, repent and start again.
4 – Understand what drives your behavior
What are your triggers? Are you more likely to relapse when you get stressed about exams, feel lonely after attending weddings, or after you argue with difficult friends or family members?
Try your best to notice the patterns in your behavior. When you notice the patterns, then you’ll be better able to look after yourself during those stressful moments. There isn’t a foolproof way to completely prevent stress, but it always helps to be aware of what presses your buttons.
5 – Cultivate a rich spiritual life
A closer connection to Allah will help you feel better connected to yourself. Struggling with addiction is often a sign that you find it really hard to stay emotionally present, and don’t have better coping mechanisms.
Think of what you can do on a daily basis to help you feel more connected to Allah. Is through regular dua? Regular recitation of Qur’an? Fasting regularly? Everyone has different paths to Allah.
6 – Practice daily self-care
Check into your moods throughout the day until it becomes a habit. Use your five daily prayer times as a way to mindfully slow down and check into yourself. How often are you able to exercise every week? Is your diet healthy and balanced? What kind of books and media are you consuming?
Make conscious decisions to choose to consume what is good for you, so that your heart and limbs can also manifest what is good.
7 – Choose your friends wisely
Don’t keep the company of people who indulge in pornography. Instead, spend time with God-fearing people who do good, and invite you to do the same.
8 – Buffer yourself during times of extra stress
When you know that you’re going to go through a rough patch, then do your best to prepare for it. Schedule in rituals into your daily and weekly routine to help you feel more balanced. It could be working out at the gym, going for a walk, or meeting a good friend for coffee.
9 – Forgive yourself when you relapse
Only Prophets are protected from sin. Everyone else is wired to make mistakes. Repentance is how we find our way back to Allah. Instead of beating yourself up and losing yourself in guilt, pick yourself up again, and consider it a learning experience. What can you do better next time?
If you were to commit sin until your sins reach the heaven, then you were to repent, your repentance would be accepted.” -Prophet Mohammed, narrated from Abu Hurairah (Sunan Ibn Majah)
10 – Reflect on how you can give back
One of the biggest gifts of striving to overcome pornography addiction is this – having empathy. And from this empathy comes the ability to support others along their own recovery journeys. This is is a lot better than shaming, blaming and judging fellow Muslims for having pornography addiction
Consider the childhood roots of pornography addiction
Maybe you came across pornography by accident. Maybe you were curious about sex, but looked for information through pornography. Whatever the reason, being involved in a pornography addiction may point to some difficult realities about your family home.
In his must-watch video Brother Zeyad Ramadan describes the childhood home of pornography addicts having three unspoken rules.
1 – The Don’t Trust Rule (I don’t trust my parents)
2 – The Don’t Feel Rule (I survive by not feeling, my parents feel threatened by my feelings)
3 – The Don’t Talk Rule (Denial, we don’t speak the truth, we don’t talk about problems)
Grieve for the little wounded child inside you. You were an innocent and trusting child, and you deserved a safer family home.
No matter what your parents did to hurt you, you are an adult now, and you are responsible for your own healing journey. Take ownership of your actions, and decide that it’s time to break that cycle. Your own future children will benefit from your courage and commitment to change, inshaAllah.
Benefits of insight
When you become a parent some day, then you will be a strong advocate for your own child’s emotional health. Because of your own lived experience, you’ll also be much more prepared to protect them from the dangers of pornography.
There’s no running away from the reality that the tide of pornography is a growing one, so through your own healing journey, you will help your own children navigate their way to safety, in this world and the next.
The Silent Marriage Killer Couples Should Know
Married couples have expectations within their marriage. Personal values, parental influence, culture and even media shape these expectations.
For some, the media portrayal of relationships even in a cultural value system that is not their own, does nothing to deter their expectations of those same standards in their relationship.
In fact, a study by Dr. Mary Lou Galician, an Arizona State professor and an author of ”Sex, Love and Romance in the Mass Media” reveals that media myths surrounding what each partner should be like or do is often so unhealthy, and that it actually deteriorates relationships.
Marriage Killer
Romance movies and TV shows often depict wives that are astonishingly beautiful at all times, giving, polished, organized, funny and sexy. Men or husbands are attentive, sensitive to her needs, always desirous of her company, patient and emotionally strong.
As couples develop unrealistic expectations, when these characteristics are not manifested in their real marital lives, resentment is the result. Resentment is a strong emotion – a passion – that brings feelings of displeasure or even indignation at some act, remark or person that makes us feel we are insulted or injured.
A List of Partner’s Faults!
When we look to media to examine this issue, one of the funniest programs that have an episode about this issue was the ”Cosby” show with the television characters ”Cliff” and ”Clare”.
In one episode, the couple tasks themselves with writing down the other’s faults. ”Cliff” quickly takes on the challenge, but then notices that his wife’s list appears to go on and on. His natural response is to feel insulted and resent that her list is so much longer to the point that he begins his own rather petty list.
Although this is a scene from a TV show, many couples have participated in a similar exercise whereby they make a list of things that cause dissension. Then, they share their lists with each other, or if the situation has progressed negatively, they share it with a family member or marriage counselor so that both parties can be aware of what they are doing that may cause the other harm.
Often, this is a list of personal habits or personality quirks. A husband might write that his wife
• is always making demands on his time,
• engages him in unwanted conversation,
• doesn’t fix his favorite foods enough,
• complains about his habits or
• doesn’t keep the household or her appearance to the standard he desires
The wife might make a list that the husband
• is not communicative,
• is tight with money,
• doesn’t help around house even though she may work,
• is away from home too much or
• complains whenever he has to take her somewhere.
The usual procedure is to have each make up a list of negatives, then make up a list of positive character attributes of their spouse that they can refer back to when they feel resentment towards their spouse. This helps them not to focus so much on their spouse’s shortcomings.
The problem with this exercise is that even after sharing the list with the spouse and discussing it, there is little change. This is because the change the spouse is often looking for is incomplete.
Make Your Own List
A better way to use this exercise is not to just write down what the spouse does that causes resentment or frustration, but then next to each infraction, write down your own response to that behavior.
For instance, the husband’s list may cause him to admit that he often responds by
• getting angry every time his wife makes a demand
• walking away or ignore her when she talks
• sulking when he doesn’t have his favorite foods
• becoming defensive about his habits
• complaining about her looks or the household
While, the wife may examine her list and admit that she often responds by
• arguing with him when he won’t talk
• resenting his perceived lack of generosity
• acting like a martyr when he doesn’t help around house
• crying when he is away from home
• wishing she married someone else when he doesn’t accompany her places
After a quick examination of the responses, each spouse is likely to have revealed a list of negative behaviors that are rude, petty, selfish, and destructive and certainly exacerbate rather than solve the problem. Yes, only a disrespectful fool will constantly engage in behavior that severely irritates or harms their spouse.
However, there is a difference between responses that let your partner know that their behavior is crossing the limits of your tolerance, and responses that are meant to ‘needle’ him or her back.
Self-Reflection
When couples engage in pettiness, this affects not only the marriage overall, but the strength of intimacy between them As the couple seeks out each other’s intimate company, the wall of resentment over unresolved matters, makes these tender moments a time where the passion is either lackluster or absent altogether.
When one actually examine not only their partner’s behavior, but their own- they will occasionally find the foundation of their resentment is not just in the other person.
This type of epiphany usually helps spouses realize that they are indeed married to a good person, – not a perfect one – but one that is good. Therefore, they can take responsibility for their responses and note their own culpability in their feelings of resentment.
We often can’t control how another person behaves – especially if this is part of their natural personality. However, we can control how we respond to it.
Marriage inherently takes concentration, realization, patience and work. When couples take responsibility individually and as a couple to address this reality, negative passions don’t have to impact their intimacy.
Surely, as couples move forward in their marriage, the one passion that they don’t need or want is resentment.
Honest self-reflection and of course respect and compromise with our spouses help to strengthen the marriage so that the natural intimacy between husband and wife can flourish.
Between Marriage and Parenthood – Things to Remember
Escapism is officially defined as:
Es·cap·ism (-skpzm) n. The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.
He arrives home at 8:30 p.m, exhausted from the day’s work. As he shuts the front door gently, she hears him enter, totally engrossed in the latest plot twist of the local prime time television show.
After having meticulously supervised the children’s homework, prepared their bags and uniforms for school the next day, and spent the rest of the early evening cooking dinner, she is finally enjoying her ‘break‘: the latest episode of her favorite drama serial.
She responds to what vaguely sounds like him greeting her, with a fleeting smile and a slight nod of her head, her eyes glued to the television screen.
The children are in their rooms, their iPads and laptops on, tapping away instant messages to friends over social media. None of them hear him enter the house.
During the show’s 5-minute commercial break, she rushes into the kitchen, and starts to set the table for dinner in a hurry.
In the meantime, he takes a shower, changes into his sweatpants and a T-shirt, and turns on his laptop in the bedroom. The presentation that he has yet to finish before the office board meeting the next day, is still on his mind.
Within minutes, his eyes are glued to the day’s headlines on his favorite news website. His iPhone pings. In the background, he hears what faintly sounds to him like she calling him for dinner.
Without taking his eyes off the screen, he reaches for his phone, calling out, “In a minute…!” into the empty hallway outside the ajar bedroom door.
Convenient Distractions from Marital Problems
Children and work become a convenient distraction from the smaller problems between a married couple very early in a marriage.
Whatever the reason might be for the emotional distance between a husband and wife – and there can be many – the highly ‘engaging’ occupation of raising children (for the wife), and work/job/career (for the husband), become a convenient means of keeping their minds off the problems between them.
Ignoring and avoiding their problems is even easier in joint/extended family systems, where there is always someone else present to spend time with instead of your spouse.
As the years pass, the couple can grow even further apart if they don’t work on removing the problems that exist between them.
Before they know it, they are elderly: the husband is retired from work, and the wife is becoming too weak to do all the housework by herself, which she has been doing for years. Their children have flown the nest, busy in their own adult lives.
Now – at this stage – the couple are faced with their problems, glaring them in the face.
The New Scapegoats
Since they have used avoidance and escapism for 3-4 decades, a couple that finds it difficult to communicate openly with each other because of the emotional distance that has risen between them over the years, might start to cling emotionally to their grown-up children and grandchildren.
This might be evident in their calling them up very often, wanting to repeatedly come over for extended visits, complaining about having nothing to do, lamenting about their own house being too silent/empty, snapping at each other at the drop of a hat, and not being able to find anything enjoyable to do together.
Consequently, the husband’s best friend becomes the television and the daily newspaper, and the wife’s best friend?, —– well, the kitchen and housework, as always.
Introspect and Act – While Young
Do you want to ‘end up’ like such a couple?
Because the years will pass very quickly, and if you don’t work on your problems right now, you won’t be able to spend any enjoyable time together alone if and when you grow old (say, at the age of 55+), when your chosen ‘distractions’ are no longer there to occupy you.
Ask yourself some key questions about your marriage:
– Do you communicate with your spouse candidly and openly about everything? Or do you bottle up your feelings inside (mistakenly considering this a sign of “patience”), only to vent them later on in front of a parent/sibling/friend, when your spouse’s back is turned?
– Do you look forward to the weekends more than the weekdays? Or do you ‘dread’ the weekend, because it will mean that your spouse will be around near you?
– Is there any activity that you and your spouse enjoy doing together, alone, just the two of you?
