Nina was 18 when she went to University, pursuing her dream in Interior Designing. She did not have plans to marry until she graduated, but she met a “friend” the following year from the next faculty.

They decided to marry after graduation and she slowly broke the news to her parents. Her parents initially were lukewarm when she brought her friend to meet them, but made nothing of the issue as if it wasn’t important, all well-knowing that the couple were seeing each other.

Then she broached the subject of marriage, closer towards graduation. They said, “No.” Firstly, it was because of him being from a different culture, although Muslim. She appealed again, seeing as they had already invested time and energy into their *relationship.*

They persisted in negative. Their reasons began to differ though. He wasn’t of fair complexion, he did not have a car, he was three months younger than she was. The list went on. Her negotiations went back and forth, and her parents told her to work first, and in their own desperate hopes that she would find someone else, who preferably, lived in their neighborhood.

Years passed…

The relationship did not end. Nina’s parents were edgy that she was not married, but still refused to speak to her potential in-laws who had called to discuss marriage prospects. Nina was distancing herself. Nina tried to approach the subject again.

Her friends were all getting married now, and she was approaching her later 20-s and well into her career. Her parents still did not like “him.” Her extended family began to talk; sympathizing with her. And then, her younger sister got married; to someone of her choice but who fit the family criteria.

Nina dwindled quickly into depression. Soon, a well-intentioned uncle intervened. He asked her parents why they were holding her back with marriage, well knowing that the couple spent time together often enough and hours on the phone. Finally, her father divulged: “We are waiting for marriage proposals to come in to the family like the way it used to work. But there don’t seem to be any as yet.”

Nina is an anecdotal story. Many may relate to it, with “arranged marriages” becoming something of the past in some cultures. While her parents seemed supportive of her pursuing an education and jump starting a high-paying career, they were insistent in standing by cultural preferences and practice when it came to marriage, regardless of her pre-marital relationship with this young man.

Arranged marriages are often heard of in Islam, but not all aspects of it are considered Islamic. Families approaching other families with marriage proposals, WITH the consent of the potential brides and grooms – and mutual consultation and chaperone – are the proper mode of conduct for Muslims, whereas forced marriages and cultural preferences over Islamic etiquette go against the teachings of the faith.

While it may be for Nina that her parents were hanging on to the cultural preferences of some communities in Indonesia, other Muslim communities across the world approach the culture of marriage a little differently.

 

Arranged Marriages across Cultures

 

Saima Khan accepted the marriage proposal of her cousin, through his mother, who was also her maternal aunt.

“It’s normal for Pakistanis to marry within the family, so I accepted it as normal practice. I also knew my aunt very well and we had a really good relationship.” In fact, Saima stayed with her aunt while she was studying for her Bachelor’s degree when she “received” the marriage proposal to her cousin.

He was already working in the United Kingdom, so she accepted and migrated along with the proposal. Soon after that, her in-laws joined her. Many years later, the family is collectively raising three boys and a daughter, all still living in the same home.

Umm ZaynabVanker, a 3rd generation South African Muslim of Indian ancestry, shares her arranged marriage at age 16. “I knew at that young age, what I wanted and what I was looking for in a husband. And he knew what he wanted in a wife.”

A mutual friend expressed her nephew’s interest in getting married during the two short months of study vacation. Her nephew, also a South African, but living in Canada, and studying in Madinah, decided to “meet” with Umm Zaynab, and after a few days, a marriage proposal came in.

“After 5 days of discussions with my parents, thinking and istikhara, I said yes (even though initially I was sure I wasn’t ready to marry yet).  Two weeks later we were married and I left home for good.”

 

The Culture of Marriage

 

After 24 years of a loving marriage, Umm Zaynab shares that Islam always came first in their many years together. Also, she believes that their marriage did last so long, not through the seeking of respective rights, but as a couple, she and her husband did not have preconceived expectations. “We understood each other’s expectations and respected each other’s opinions even if we disagreed on them.”

Whether it was due to the arranged marriage that helped build their union, she says:“It is more about knowing what is important for us in a marriage and what were we willing to give up or compromise and what we are not.”

“Compatibility is very important, so is communication and joint decisions on matters especially when it affects the family.”

Zahira can relate. Both she and her spouse were products of typical British Indian upbringing, and were introduced by a mutual friend. Not knowing her potential spouse and not feeling very inclined to the relationship was a matter that she could not express when negotiations were on-going. “At that time, it was a case of ‘Allah will put love in your hearts towards each other after you get married.’ So something as trivial as [lack of] ‘feelings’ just wasn’t accepted.”

“So I went ahead and said yes, and told myself it would all be ok and sooner or later I’d feel something towards him.”

Zahira’s marriage took the unfortunate turn for the worse from day-one, where she endured abuse, which spiraled dangerously out of control until she found the courage to leave, 8 years and 2 children later…

Muslims Don’t Fall in Love before Marriage’

“Muslims don’t fall in love before marriage,” the woman said proudly. “That’s something only non-Muslims do.”

When I first heard this statement, I was confused. But maybe I was misunderstanding what the woman meant. Perhaps the woman was just saying that Muslims don’t have sex before marriage (or at least that they’re not supposed to).

Muslims don’t live together and “play house” before deciding whether or not to take the “big step” and get married. Perhaps in the mind of this woman, and that of Muslims who shared her sentiment, this was “falling in love” and thus something Muslims simply did not do.

“I love a boy. Can you help me?”

I had just finished teaching a class at a Muslim weekend school when I was approached by a girl who appeared to be about thirteen years old. “Can I talk to you?” she said to me. “I need some advice.”

“Sure,” I told her, “no problem.”

“At school, there’s a boy I love,” she said, “and I don’t know what to do about it.” She glanced sideways to make sure none of her peers or elders could hear her talking to me. “Can you help me?”

“How did you meet him?” I asked.

“He goes to my school.”

“But how did you meet?”

“He just goes to my school,” she said again, slight confusion on her face.

“Yes, I know,” I said. “But how do you know him? Do you talk on the phone? Do you meet up at school?”

“No,” she said. “I barely know him.”

Now it was my turn to be confused. “Are you trying to get to know him?”

“No.” She appeared taken aback by the question. “I’m Muslim.”

“Then what’s the problem?” I said.

“I love him, and I know it’s wrong,” she said. “I tried to stop it, but I can’t.” She looked desperate as she looked at me. “What should I do?”

“Listen,” I told her. “It’s not a sin to be attracted to boys.”

What Love Means

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines love as “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.” It also defines love as “attraction that includes sexual desire” and “the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship.”

Based on the definition of love, loving a person or “falling in love” can include an intimate relationship (and thus can involve sin if the man and woman are not married), but love itself is not contingent upon any conscious actions on a person’s part. In fact, love can be confined to a person’s heart without the other person ever knowing anything about it.

Therefore, love outside the bounds of marriage is not necessarily sinful, and it’s certainly not sinful to “fall in love” before marriage.

So I’m Not in Sin?

After I told the girl that it isn’t sinful to be attracted to boys, the girl’s eyes widened. “It’s not?”

“No,” I said. “It’s just the way Allah created us. We can’t help it. Girls will be attracted to boys. Boys will be attracted to girls. And after lowering our gazes and staying away from what’s wrong, there’s nothing we can do about that.”

“But I thought…”

“It’s what you say or do about this feeling that can make it sinful,” I said. “If you just have this feeling in your heart and you don’t do anything about it, that’s not wrong. But you can pray to Allah to make the feeling go away,” I suggested, “especially if it’s distracting you from other things.”

She looked positively relieved. “Thanks,” she said, smiling broadly as she walked away.

Puppy Love

When I was growing up in America, I’d often hear adults laugh whenever an adolescent or teenager was attracted to someone. Their tone was often playfully condescending when they waved their hands dismissively saying, “Oh, that’s just puppy love. These kids have no idea what love means.”

And perhaps the adults were right. Maybe “kids” really don’t have a clue what love means. Maybe what these youth are feeling is just “puppy love,” a strong feeling of attraction that would pass with time and about which they would laugh about later.

But even so, this doesn’t invalidate the authenticity of the young person’s feelings, which very well may fit into the definition of “love,” even the love is short-lived and won’t amount to much more than an overwhelming sense of desire for someone.

When Young Love Is Real

Often when we think of real stories of young love, we turn to the pages of ancient history or folklore. In the famous Shakespearean drama Romeo and Juliet, the character Juliet is reportedly only thirteen years old while Romeo isn’t too much older. However, in the Shakespearean era, the concept of young lovers was not limited to fiction or drama.

In earlier times, particularly in European (or “Western”) history, it was not uncommon for young men and women to fall in love and marry quite young. In fact, if a person was unmarried by the age of twenty, this was frowned upon and the person was feared to be “too old” for any hope for marriage. In Islamic history, the love of young Aishah toward Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, is often cited.

However, it is not only in fictional tales and “days of old” that young love has proven real. In the modern world, there are many true stories of young love, and they continue to happen each day.

Famous Young Love

When I was in high school, one of my favorite songs was “Everybody Plays the Fool” by Aaron Neville, and I often think of this song when I think of young people falling in love. This is not only because the song itself alludes to the foolishness young people often fall into in the name of love, but because the singer himself experienced young love.

Aaron Neville met his beloved while they were both around fifteen or sixteen years old, and they got married when they were only eighteen; and they were married for almost fifty years when his wife died from cancer in 2007.

The famous singer Celine Dion also experienced young love. She met her future husbandRené Angélil when she was only twelve years old and he was thirty-eight; and they began a relationship when she was nineteen years old. And they are still married today.

Are You in Love?

This is a question that young people often ask themselves. Unfortunately, it’s also a question they are often left alone to answer. Perhaps, what they’re experiencing is just “puppy love” that amounts to a passing “crush,” or maybe what they’re experiencing is genuine young love the like of which fascinates us from fiction stories, ancient history, and modern day love stories.

But perhaps what they’re experiencing is something in between, a feeling that will one day pass but consumes them so much today that it drives them to act on it in the most reckless ways, especially if they are unable or unwilling to marry the person they love.

Such is the affair of many youth today, Muslims among them.

And in this “Are You in Love?” series, we explore the wide range of issues that define “love” for many Muslim youth in today’s world.

How to Make Marriage Decision?

As a practicing psychologist, I was once consulted by a brother in Turkey in need of immediate relationship advice.

In summary, the brother’s “emergency” was that he had met a nice religious girl from a good family but was not attracted to her at all.

He was under pressure from both his and her family to make a decision after three short meetings with the sister. I asked him what he liked about her; he said she was religious and came from a good family. “Okay, what else?”

I could feel his anxiety through the computer screen. To marry or not to marry?

“Should I just go for it?”

I was shocked. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires compatibility, attraction and personality flow, none of which he felt. But he failed to recognize this, because he was stuck on the hadith (narration of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), narrated by Abu Huraira in Bukhari:

“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” (Book #62, Hadith #27)

In my opinion, this hadith is often misunderstood, because we forget the other reasons in the process. In the case of the young man I talked to, he thought we should only marry for religion and ignore the other three.

Are you likely to sustain and succeed in a marriage where there is no compatibility beyond sharing a similar theology and ritual practices? Furthermore, what someone else calls “religious” may not mean the same thing to you.

In my experience working with couples for many years, I know for a fact that this is irrational. When we fail to apply reason in matters of religion, we get pain, destruction and failure, especially in marriage.

We cannot live a true path of spirituality if our attempt to follow Islam lacks sincerity, wisdom, and deep reflection on our context and ourselves. Some Muslims live the path of serving Islam, as if it is a person nodding its head in approval every time we apply a hadith or Qur’anic verse. Islam is a path to God.

God is the one to whom this path leads. Did this brother think about God in his process? That one day he will meet Him and be asked about “just doing it” without regard for the deeper requirements for success in human relationships? He considered getting married in order not to hurt the sister’s feelings—what about when he divorces her because he realizes it was a huge mistake?

A few points to reflect on:

• Never ever marry someone you don’t feel right about out of fear or pressure. This is likely to lead to failure.


• Marry someone who possesses all four reasons mentioned in the hadith not just religion. This is more likely to succeed and sustain a life long partnership. In the end, you and your partner will suffer, not your family, your culture, or even your religion.

• If religion is important to you, avoid marrying someone who does not have religion, even if the other three reasons are alluring. This is just as unlikely to succeed.

• Use this hadith as a guide, not an axiom with closed borders. We also marry for love and chemistry, in addition to these four reasons.

• Islam teaches us to admire diversity. If we always married people from the same socioeconomic status, race, or ethnic group, for example, this would hinder a more colorful, multicultural ummah (community).

• Sometimes people act religious because it is more “marketable” for marriage. Be cautious and go beyond surface checkpoints of theology and practice. Get to know the person and their family more deeply.

• Take your time. If you do not feel you are given enough time to get to know someone do not get married to avoid cultural stigmas. Families that rush their kids into marriage are the ones to have sincere skepticism towards.