I'm currently working in the shipping sector wherein I have to go on lengthy sea voyages ranging from 6 to 8 months. This keeps me away from my wife leading to uncontrollable sexual desires. Leaving my job is not an option. Can you suggest an alternate channel to release this frustration? It is humanly impossible for a man without a woman for such period. Is there any option that I can resort to have a sexual relationship with a woman besides my wife?

ANSWER


In this counseling answer:

• Your options are limited as your job keeps you on lengthy sea voyages. Taking a second wife would be hard as you cannot even spend time with your first wife due to your job. Additionally, it would not solve your issue as you are mostly in the sea.

• Tips for controlling sexual urges and desires are strongly recommended to be followed, insha’Allah.

•Additionally, take up a hobby to do in your spare time, draw closer to Allah and maintain closeness with your wife via letters, phone calls etc.”

As Salamu Alaykum dear brother,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand, you are married and your job takes you away from your home and wife for 6-8 months at a time. So, in actuality, you are only with your wife for about 4 months out of a year.

While I am not sure how long you have been married, it surely is not good to be away from your wife for that long. It is not healthy for you nor her. At any rate, you stated that you cannot leave this job. However, I do urge you to try to find work that will allow you to be at home with your wife. I realize jobs are hard to find these days, but so is a good marriage. Insha’allah, brother, please do think about this very seriously.

Perhaps you can start looking at other agencies/sectors or other job titles that will allow you to earn a living and still be a husband and family man. “Living together is known to be one of the main objectives of marriage in Islam. The Qur’an describes spouses as sakan which means homes where both couples get love, compassion, mercy, sincere affection and so on”.

For all intents and purposes, brother, you and your wife are hardly living together at all, which is very sad. I understand you do not want this type of situation and it is work-related. However, insha’Allah, if you can change your situation as far as work, please do.

I kindly encourage you to make du’aa’ to Allah to open new doors of employment for you which will enable you to be home. 

In addition, please actively seek other job options. Allah helps a people who they themselves seek to change their condition.

Marriage is such a blessed and important part of our lives that we must do all we can to fulfill our obligations which go beyond financial. May Allah bless you brother with a good job that enables you to be a full-time husband to your wife.

You are sexually frustrated, and it is understandable. I can imagine your wife is sexually frustrated as well. It is not an optimal situation.  However, as you are a Muslim man, you can marry up to four wives, providing you follow the guidelines set forth in Islam. So, one option is to take a second wife. However, brother, you must assess whether or not you can fulfill the Islamic requirements to do so. Being you are sea voyages for long months, I am not sure how that would work as you barely see your wife now as it is.

The other option is going back to the days, the years when you were not married and you were celibate. By practicing useful tips to refrain from sexual acts, you are following Islam, you are not committing haram and you are remaining faithful to your wife.

Some useful tips would include re-training your thinking patterns.  When you begin to feel aroused, engage your mind in another thought or activity. Make sure that you know your triggers for arousal and stay away from things that are sexually stimulating. For instance, don’t watch movies with sexual or sensual content. This would include books, magazines, and talk with your coworkers. In your off times, if you do go ashore occasionally, try to fill your time with constructive things such as phoning your wife and talking with her, go to a gym for a workout session, go to a Masjid for prayer and other activities that will build you up as a husband, Muslim and increase your strength as a man who is celibate. This would include lowering your gaze if there are women around.

Engage in fasting. It is one of the things prescribed to control sexual desire. Take up a hobby to fill up what spare time you may have.  Lastly and most importantly, make du’aa’ to Allah to help you manage your desires and keep you from haram.

Brother, yes, it is humanly possible for a man not to have sex for long periods of time. It has been done throughout time and by many. Look at all the single people who are not engaging in sex. Still, our hormones, desires, and needs run high. It is not a comfortable life to live but it can be done. Wanting to make love-have sex is a natural and normal need. However, as you are not with your wife for most of the year, you are depriving not only yourself but her as well.

Marriage is the sacred space which was created in part for a couple to enjoy sexual relations. When one is married and unable to have sexual relations, it possibly creates even more tension and frustration than for those who were never married. As you are married, you know what it feels like and how good it is. Therefore, your mind already knows the pleasure. For those who are single and virgin, they have strong desires but they can only imagine what it feels like. Thus, possibly their ability to control self is maybe easier.

While there is no optimal answer to your dilemma brother, I do encourage you to keep remembrance of Allah in your heart at all times. Also, keep remembrance of your precious wife and your marriage to her in your heart at all times as well.

Brother, your options are limited as your job keeps you on lengthy sea voyages. Taking a second wife would be hard as you cannot even spend time with your first wife due to your job. Additionally, it would not solve your issue as you are mostly in the sea.

Tips for controlling sexual urges and desires are strongly recommended to be followed, insha’Allah.

Additionally, take up a hobby to do in your spare time, draw closer to Allah and maintain closeness with your wife via letters, phone calls etc.

I am sure she is feeling lonely as well as going through her own sexual frustrations as well. Stay close to one another. While you stated it was not possible, please do ask Allah to grant ease in the form of a different job that will allow you to be home with your wife. Actively seek other job opportunities. Your job is important yes, but so is your wife, your marriage and the two of you actually living together as a married couple for more than 4 months a year.

May Allah bless you brother and grant ease in this situation. You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

Salam Aleikom. I have been married for four years and, Alhamdulillah, Allah Almighty has gifted us with a pretty, little child. We had some problems of mutual understanding at the beginning of our life, but, alhamdulillah, most of them have been solved by time. However, one issue still remains: from our first night until now she doesn’t show any interest in having intercourse which makes me crazy. When she reluctantly becomes ready, I find her enjoying it as well. But when I ask her to have intercourse, she directly rejects. Sometimes I show my disappointment, but sometimes I hide it and burn from inside when she refuses my request. Please guide me. I am unable to discuss the problem with anyone here. Thank you.

ANSWER


In this counseling answer:

• This problem could be due to cultural norms/expectations, health issues, mental health issues, stress, feelings of shame.

• Both of you should strive to have a close relationship in which the both of you value each other’s feelings and interests.

•  Have an actual conversation in which the both of you exchange thoughts, ideas, and feelings.

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Brother,


Thank you for sending us your question. May Allah (swt) bless your family and grant you all happiness and success in this life and the next.

From your written question, it appears that your wife constantly rejects having sexual intercourse with you. Her rejections make you feel hurt and frustrated which is certainly understandable. My question to you is: have you asked your wife why she keeps rejecting intercourse? Have you let her know how you feel whenever she rejects you? Nothing can be solved unless the both of you are open and honest with each other.

As husband and wife, both of you should strive to have a close relationship in which the both of you value each other’s feelings and interests. How close are you to your wife? Do you both spend quality time together? Do you both spend enjoyable leisure time together? I understand that in many cultures/traditions around the world the husband and wife either lead separate lives or have a somewhat emotionally distant relationship because that is what is expected in those cultures. Certainly, I could be wrong in your situation, but if that is a reality within your relationship, then maybe it is time to change that to better suit your needs and desires. Maybe your wife desires this as well since you have noticed that your wife does enjoy sex, despite her continuous rejection.

There may be a variety of reasons why your wife constantly rejects sex. It could be due to cultural norms/expectations, health issues, mental health issues, stress, feelings of shame, etc. She would be the only person who can answer that question, and you would be the only person now who can ask her.

Please, do not shy away from being open with your wife about sex or anything else that comes up in your relationship. Have an actual conversation in which the both of you exchange thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Do not let your “conversation” suddenly end after two sentences just because either one of you is too shy or too uncomfortable to continue. Strive to make your relationship not only sexually satisfying but also emotionally satisfying by maintaining open and honest communication between the both of you.

I ask Allah (swt) to help the both of you overcome whatever obstacles you may face as a couple and grant you peace and happiness.

I was scared of getting married, but 2 months ago I got married. Now, I am afraid to have a sexual relationship with my wife. I am scared she may divorce me or tell everybody that I have a 3-inch small penis.

I am so worried about the situation of getting into a sexual relationship with her. I am praying a lot but not getting answers at all whether I should try having sex with my wife or not. She is not that much reliable. Please help! I am just wasting my time…

ANSWER


In this counseling answer:

• Instead of focusing on this thing that makes you feel anxious, try focusing on the positive things that are not related to it.

• As you become more relaxed concentrating on other things, your attention will be taken off it.

• The more time you spend worrying about it, the more difficult it will become.

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh brother,

When you selected your spouse or had her selected for you, I imagine you have looked at many of her traits and her of you. Since you proceed with the marriage, it is likely that you both found many positive things in each other.

Of course, your situation makes you anxious about having intercourse with her. However, there is more to a marriage than this.

Instead of focusing on this thing that makes you feel anxious, try focusing on the positive things that are not related to it.

Develop a Close Relationship


Develop a close relationship with her so that you do not need to fear the physical aspect anymore. Sex is done out of love and to increase the bond more than anything else.

It seems this issue takes you over. So, by focusing on other more important things, your mind will be taken off it. As you become more relaxed concentrating on other things, your attention will be taken off it. It will become less of an issue to you and make it easier for you to approach your wife. This will be further made easier once you have developed a close bond with your wide as well.

Focus on Other Enjoyable Stuff


Take the pressure off this single issue and focus on nurturing other things such as love in the relationship. Do things together as well as other things outside of sex that makes you feel good about yourself. This will boost your confidence generally as you come to feel more confident in yourself as a person without the worry of physical traits like the presenting issue here.

Try not to place too much pressure on yourself regarding this single thing as this will only make it harder as time passes. The more time you spend worrying about it, the more difficult it will become.

Instead, focus this attention on other things. Use this energy to do things so that you do not waste your time as you have stated.

This feeling of wasting time will only add to your psychological burden and make you not feel good about yourself. Using your time well, doing useful things will counter these negative thoughts you have about yourself and how you spend your time and services to increase your confidence which will spill over into other aspects of your life.

May Allah bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage and make you and your wife the coolness of each other’s eyes.

I have been married for 13 years to a husband whom I love very much. We get along beautifully and we have four amazing children. Everything is fine except that he cannot please me in bed because he is really inadequate. I have even gone to my doctor and talked about it. The problem is that I have had four children in the past 6 years and my doctor has told me that I am naturally large and given my husband's size it is impossible for him to please me. I don't hate my husband, God forbid, because God has created him this way. He is very kind, and he decided to buy a sex toy (vibrator).

We have been still having sex, but he has also used the toy with me and as a result I have been pleased for the first time. I still do everything to please him and he is happy to use the vibrator to help me. We have been very happy with our sex, but I was told by my friend that this is haram. Since then I have written to many Islamic forums and fatwa websites and all the Islamic scholars told me that my husband needs to try harder and we need to seek a counselor. One Islamic scholar went as far as to suggest that I divorce my husband and find a man who can please me.

This is ludicrous. And even if someone listened to his advice, what would I need to do to find the right husband and what if he is not adequate. But the point is that I don't even want to think about divorce; I love my husband. I feel that the Islamic scholars I have written to don't even read my email. My husband is too small and he cannot please me. He accepts this and we have found a solution that works for both of us. But I can understand why certain scholars are telling me not to do this. One in particular said that if we use a vibrator, I might lose respect for my husband.

So, the issue at hand with a lot of scholars is about men not losing their manhood. Where is the concern for the sister here? I am really frustrated with the scholars who are incapable of offering advice on intimacy problems. The advice is always to seek counsel, pray more, and tell my husband that he has to please me. The point is, he can't, and we have found a way that helps us. Before we started using a sex toy I couldn't focus on anything, even my prayer.

Now, once the intimacy is over, I can focus on Islam 100%. What is wrong with that? What do you think? Thank you so much for your help.

ANSWER


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,


It is pleasing to read how much you love your husband and are willing to stand by his side because of the love between you despite intimacy problems. You understandably feel frustrated with the situation because even though this love exists between you, he is unable to satisfy you sexually. It is understandable why you feel even more frustrated by the fact that all the scholars seem to be saying that the solution you have found to the problem is haram and that without this solution you find your focus on Islam is not 100%. However, you still continue to be committed to your husband in such a loving way and are able to talk about the issue openly, ma sha’ Allah; this is the sign of a very strong relationship. May Allah (swt) make you both the coolness of each other’s’ eyes.

It is frustrating when the scholars tell you something that you don’t want to hear, but they are knowledgeable people and must draw their conclusions from somewhere, even if they, unfortunately, do not share from where. But this is something we should respect, especially if it seems they all say the same.

It seems, in your case, they have only been advising on whether it is halal or haram to use a toy, but they have not come up with a solution of how to overcome the fact that your husband cannot satisfy you sexually. The important thing here is not necessarily whether its haram or not. If the scholars all conclusively say it is haram, then, to be on the safe side, even if you disagree, it would be best to take their word and find out they were wrong than potentially face the punishment if they are, indeed, correct. The way to move forward, therefore, is not to allow this frustration at their responses get to you, but instead you could play it safe; go with what they have said to avoid the potential of displeasing Allah (swt), if in fact they are correct, and work on ways to improve you sexual satisfaction with your husband. There are several ways you can approach this that are not cited as haram by the scholars.

In addition, take some time to think of how your husband feels, too. He wants to please you, but can’t, so he must also feel frustrated, too. This probably makes him feel down about himself as well. He must feel that he is inadequate which could result in reduced self-esteem, making things sexually very difficult for him as well. Therefore, it’s important that you try and keep your frustration under control to avoid this. This is understandably difficult, but there are a number of ways you can try and work on.

You could begin by working on matters of intimacy that are not even related to penetration at all. It is clear that the love strongly exists between you, so this should be relatively easy to achieve. Although with 4 children things will need to be timed in an appropriate way. After having children, naturally things will change, both physically as well as mentally in terms of the added responsibilities of taking care of 4 children, so you might begin by increasing the elements of intimacy other than penetration first.

Do things like spending quality time alone together, either when the kids are in bed or at school, or when friends and family can take care of them for a night. Have a romantic dinner together in a nice, relaxing atmosphere, dress up nicely, wear perfume, light scented candles; and give each other massages. Engage in activities that will increase the level of closeness and intimacy between yourselves. Creating this kind of romantic atmosphere can help to naturally increase your levels of arousal, making it easier to climax as you engage in intercourse.

You might also experiment with different positions to stimulate different areas. Experts often cite that certain positions will stimulate areas that even men who are less endowed are able to reach. Many women are actually able to reach climax without penetration and, therefore, size doesn’t matter. As you said, most scholars say that it is ok to use a toy to stimulate the outside, so you might also try using a toy to stimulate outside whilst your husband penetrates. There are even toys that exist with this very purpose. This way, he will still be the one to penetrate you, but you will get the added pleasure of external stimulation.

Answer by Sh. Ahmed Kutty:


Marriage is a divinely ordained institution with the purpose of uniting two souls to attain sexual fulfillment and tranquility. It is intended to help them to maintain modesty and chastity and guard them against falling into temptations and sins. Therefore, each of the spouses is encouraged to strive hard to help each other find sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Islam looks at sexuality not as a taboo, but rather as something to be celebrated within the bounds of lawful marriage. Hence, there is no inhibition in regards to healthy sexual expressions or asking questions about them. In fact, the women at the time of the Prophet (saw) were never shy about asking questions about sexual intimacy – which is considered to be taboo in some communities today.

Spouses are encouraged to be creative and use imagination to bring pleasure. At the same time, they must avoid all acts of perversion. Perverse acts in marriage include anal intercourse, sadistic expressions, watching porn as well as vaginal intercourse during the menstrual period or while undergoing the postnatal period of bleeding. Sexual intercourse is strictly forbidden during the day hours of fasting, or in a state of ihram, or consecration for hajj or umrah.

Now, coming to the issue of using sex toys to find sexual fulfillment, it is a contentious issue. The majority considers it as clearly forbidden; they argue it amounts to sexual perversion; demeans spouses and interferes with the natural way of sexual fulfillment appointed by God. There is, however, a minority who consider it as permissible within reasonable limits; according to them while it is forbidden, in general, there is nothing wrong if it is used as an aid to enhanced sexual fulfillment or as lesser of the two evils to guard oneself against falling into adultery.  So, if you are left with a choice of not getting any satisfaction – without the use of such aids –  because of the particular challenges your husband is facing or divorcing him, then it could be permitted under the rule of necessity.

Some eminent scholars of the past have allowed the use of aids to sexual fulfillment. For instance, distinguished Hanbali jurist al-Mardawi – in his famous work Al-Insaf – after summarizing the Hanbali position on the issue states: “I would like to add two points in this context: Masturbation or induced ejaculation is not allowed except in the case of dire necessity… secondly, the woman is like a man in this matter; so, she is to use a device like a penis when she fears falling into zina.  Then he adds: This is the authentic ruling (of the school), and the author has reckoned it in al-Furu’ as the preferred ruling on this issue.”

Based on these, you may use the vibrator as long as you use it only as an aid to enhance your sexual intimacy with your husband and not as a substitute for him – as long as he is comfortable with it. In other words, it can only be practised through mutual consent.

It took me a very long time to find a man I always dreamed of. He is perfect in all ways, I know he loves me, but there is one problem – he is not interested in sex. I feel bad for being so sexual. I would try to initiate and/or discuss sex, but it has left him feeling pressured, demeaned that he needed to be changed. Now, he is stuck in his own self-awareness of all that he feels he is not. As a result, we’ve been terribly unhappy. I feel I am depressed. I don’t know what he can give me anymore. I don’t yet know how much more I can do without. We have worked out so many things, our communication can’t be any stronger and yet continually fails us. I feel like it is my fault, my insecurities, my hidden pain, my lack of beauty or sexiness or my weight or any other such things. I feel rejected, unwanted and unworthy. I feel lesser of a human being when I have to masturbate. I have tried to be sympathetic, adapting to his needs or lack thereof. I have tried to tell myself that I am ok without sexual intimacy. I have tried to give him the space and commitment and support that he needs. I feel like I have tried… and he has not.

ANSWER


Answer: 


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,


I am sorry to hear you are having intimacy problems in your marriage. Intimacy is important not just because it is a basic human need and desire, but it is also a way in which couples bond, express love and draw closer to each other. While it is possible to do that without sexual intimacy, if agreed by both parties, problems arise when one partner is not getting their needs met.

First of all, sister, please do not feel bad for being a sexual being – we all are, or most of us are. It is the way Allah (swt) created us, so we would marry, create closeness between our mates and procreate. You are married and have every right to have your sexual needs taken care of by your husband. It is not your fault he is “asexual”. It has nothing to do with your looks, your sexiness, your weight or any other attribute you feel you have fallen short on. It is common for women to blame themselves when their husbands’ are not interested in sex, but more times than not it is due to the husband’s own insecurities about himself. It could be due to fears, depression, low testosterone, a traumatic past experience, personal insecurities about his own sexual identity, homosexuality, or the inability to get an erection. It can even be due to an undiagnosed medical condition.

Asexuality and aromanticism refer to people who lack the desire to have sexual and romantic relationships with other people. If this is the true case with your husband, he married you under false pretenses, for marriage comes with the understanding that sexual relations will occur. If this is the case, you would have grounds for divorce. However, my dear sister, I would try to find out first if he is truly asexual, or if there are medical or psychological reasons as to why he is not interested in sex.

While you did not mention what reasons or responses he has had when you try to discuss this issue with him, perhaps if you approached him by telling him how much you love him and that you desire to be close to him and improve your communications, intimacies and marriage, he may begin to relax. Men often do become defensive when their sexuality is questioned; therefore, a different approach may be needed. I would kindly suggest, sister, that you suggest marriage counseling in your conversations with him and encourage him to get a physical check from his doctor to rule out any medical problems. I am not sure if he is on any medications, so please do know that certain medications may take away a man’s desire for sex. 

If he agrees to go for marriage counseling, alhumdulilah. If he does not, in sha’ Allah, suggest that he go for counseling by himself. It could be that he has deep-rooted issues which he is not ready to disclose to anyone yet, except possibly a therapist/counselor which may be less threatening as it is a stranger. If he refuses to address this issue, sister, then I would kindly suggest seeking the advice of a trusted imam or knowledgeable sister who can guide you on the decision as to whether you should divorce or not. While this should be a last resort, it is one that is permissible in Islam once all other avenues are exhausted and there is no other option. If the marriage fails to fulfill the purposes and objectives from which it was created, then we are permitted to divorce. However, I am not an Islamic scholar; hence, I refer this option for you to discuss with an imam.

As far as your current state of feeling depressed, sister, please, while you and your husband are trying to sort this out, draw closer to Allah (swt), seek out comfort in Him through prayer, reciting Qur’an and dhkir.  Allah (swt) is most compassionate, and He (swt) knows our deepest hurts and longings. Allah (swt) is also most merciful and blesses us with things, solutions, and answers to our heart’s longings.

Please also try spending time with sisters who are uplifting and can provide enjoyable times going out for lunch or taking a hike in nature or other positive things to get your mind off your marital problems. Often times, when we start to develop a balance in life such as a time for work, a time for study, for families, for friends, we find that our problems are not dominating our thoughts. While this issue must be resolved one way or another, please be kind to yourself and do enjoyable things that will uplift your spirits.

It would also, in sha’ Allah, be of benefit to you if you as well sought out counseling while trying to resolve the lack of intimacy issue in your marriage. A counselor can offer guidance, insight, support as well as addressing any issues of depression you may be experiencing. You may gain greater coping skills regarding this problem, in sha’ Allah, and be better able to either be supportive of your husband if there is an issue, or strengthen your resolve in sorting out a decision to divorce.

Sister, you sound like you love your husband very much, and I am confident that he loves you as well.  It also sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with the exception of his “asexuality”. I implore you to exhaust all efforts together to resolve this, so you can begin to have a marriage filled with the intimacy that you long for. While I understand it takes two, and you have been trying to resolve this, please do utilize some of the tips and advices in order to save your marriage. I know what you’re going through must be very painful, frustrating, and depressing, but in sha’ Allah there is a resolution waiting for you both.

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

As-Salmu Alaikum respected counselor. My husband is 58 years old, and we are married for 26 years with 3 grown children. Recently, I found out my husband chats with a married woman for about a month, and he has been pursuing her through the internet for nearly 5 years. I cornered him; he confessed and promised to change. Later, he also confessed committing adultery many times in the past with various women, men, and even in a group. He promised to never do it again. Since all the muftis I turned to asked me to forgive him, I forgave and now try to live with him. He is always abroad for work purposes and only comes home for vacations, but we regularly chat online. However, he is sending me porn pictures and asking me to see and sex chats with him. I am trying to remind him to fear Allah as much as possible. He has a high sex drive, and he hardly lives with me. Is it permissible for him in this case to look at such pictures and masturbate, and for me to accommodate his wishes by looking at pictures and chatting? Is it a disease of senility? How should I correct this malpractice and save us from fitnah? Jazak Allah.

ANSWER


In this counseling answer:

“Take a fearless inventory of who you are, what you are honestly ok with, and what is going to cause you psychological, emotional, or spiritual harm. Then keep clear boundaries and refuse to engage in behaviors and activities that will violate you as a human being, a woman, and cause you such harm. If you are worried that you will lose your husband if you do not enable him, then consider getting intensive face to face counseling for yourself.”

As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,


We can look at several different issues that you might want to find clarification for.

First, we want to look at the strength and level of the emotional bond you have with your husband and the health of your marriage.

We also want to examine whether your husband has a sex addiction. It seems he might at least be addicted to pornography.

Finally, we want to take a look at your decisions about what boundaries you want to have and what is and is not healthy for you.

First, let’s look at the health of your marriage. 


You have been married for 26 years. If we took the sexual equation out of the picture, can you measure for yourself the level of healthy communication between you? Over the years, have you had mutual goals between you that you worked together to accomplish? Have you become each other’s best friend, a person that you can trust your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, and emotions with? What about the shared spirituality between you? Does it exist?

Before we talk about sex, explore the probability that this is a man with whom you will most likely have in your life shared obligations and mutual needs for another 20 to 40 years or more. We can examine this through the lens of pop psychology, or we can take a more realistic look. Naturally, I would suggest taking the realistic look.

With that said, after 26 years of marriage as a mature woman with grown children transitioning into a life, it would be nice if you can manage to develop a strong bond of friendship with your husband so that you have someone you can depend on when you need him as the years unfold. How that will look and the actual quality and type of marriage that will become is quite unpredictable given the information that you disclosed. However, I can assess the questions you are asking that you are likely willing and even wanting to try to create a stronger bond between you and your husband.

Enabling unhealthy behavior is not going to strengthen your bond. Identifying the core issues that led to the emotional and psychological disconnect between you is where you want to put your energy and effort. Then once that is identified, you can get guidance on how to work toward overcoming those barriers and healing your disconnect.

I highly recommend that you see a marriage counselor and gently open this door. The behavior is more of a symptom rather than the root problem. This may be a symptom of something going on specifically with your husband, and/or it may also be symptomatic of the quality of the relationship between you and your husband. These are issues that you want to explore with a face to face marriage counselor.

Let’s look at your husband’s sexual behavior


Contrary to what we are hearing in the media with all the pop psychology, infidelity is not as natural as we are led to believe. The media and current secular milieu might be selling both men and women this line of reasoning, but it is truly unhealthy conditioning. Much like young women who believe they are not sexy or beautiful if they do not force malnutrition upon themselves and make themselves medically ill by extreme underweight. This is what the media tells us. This way, we can sell more fancy running shoes, diet pills, and powders.

Likewise, men are now bombarded with Viagra commercials. They are buying into the myth of eternal youth. All they have to do is act like “real men” and get their libido up to prove themselves. Of course, they need to take special medications, get hair implants, and, oh yes… they need fancy running shoes also.

This is all very sad. However, if your husband has to travel a lot and uses commercial airlines, he is bombarded with these advertisements, and he is in a milieu where the women have glued and glamorous hair and wears modern corsets to make themselves more sexually appealing to the men who are taking the commercial medications. Get the picture?

Our instincts for basic survival pick up on these messages. There are a fear and partly justified fear that if we don’t hold on to these images, we will not survive in the secular “jungle” and, thus, won’t be able to compete well enough to make enough money to experience enough security and make our families happy enough. It’s all about being good enough. Is this starting to make sense?

So, with that goal in mind, we become disconnected from our true core being. In reality, our instincts were put there to preserve the security and safety of our family. The problem is all of the propaganda for unnecessary commercial items (stuff that we don’t really need for basic human survival) is paired with sexually stimulating messages that pass the forebrain and go directly into the reticular formation of the brain. This is where our biological need for sex is stimulated. This area of the brain is stimulated unconsciously, so we do not even know how much artificial arousal we are experiencing from these kinds of media pictures, words, and ideas that we are bombarded with on a daily bias. Pair these sexual messages with the need to be good enough … and well, you get what we have in society today.

With that said, it is possible that your husband had affairs and is not addicted to sex or pornography. However, it is abnormal and unhealthy behavior from a psychological and spiritual perspective to be looking at porn and asking one’s spouse to engage in this type of behavior. It is very possible that your husband has fallen into the trap of addiction.

I am not a mufti or Islamic scholar, thus, I cannot say whether this behavior is permitted or not. I am a psychologist, and I can tell you that it is not healthy, it is not good for the soul, and it will ultimately damage you if you are forced or manipulated into participating in this behavior. This will not help your marriage.

The problem is when a man uses pornography to sexually stimulate him. He is not connecting with the real woman that he needs to be connecting with so that he brings himself into sexual union with the actual woman. To connect with the woman on a psychological and spiritual level, a man usually needs to have actual physical contact and physical connection with the woman – not an air-brushed picture of a woman that doesn’t even exist in real life. The use of this type of paraphernalia prevents a couple from doing the real work of true intimacy which is the pathway to a real bond and healthy marriage.

Identity problems and sex addiction are becoming more and more common. This does not make it normal or healthy. This insidious disease creeps into more and more marriages. If you would like to learn more about this, I suggest that you take a look at the website of Don Mathews, marriage and family therapist in the Bay Area of California, USA. His website will help you understand more about sex addictions. It is called Sex Addict Treatment. I believe that it would be helpful to look at some of the literature that he has on his website. Your husband may have an actual sex addiction. This information will help clarify some of that for you.

Now, let’s take a look at your decisions about what boundaries you want to have, and what is and is not healthy for you.


If you are completely honest with me, then please tell me how comfortable are you with looking at porn while chatting with your husband knowing that he is masturbating? Will this help you feel closer to him or rather will it slowly cause a build of resentment?

Most women usually have to be dishonest with themselves in order to get themselves to accommodate a man in this way. They convince themselves that they like it, or that it is ok, but in reality, they are very insecure that they will lose the man they feel dependent on or love. So, they engage in behaviors that eventually make them lose self-respect, and they become very unhappy individuals. Once women lose self-respect, the men in their lives lose respect for them as well.

Take a fearless inventory of who you are, what you are honestly ok with, and what is going to cause you psychological, emotional, or spiritual harm. Then keep clear boundaries and refuse to engage in behaviors and activities that will violate you as a human being, a woman, and cause you such harm. If you are worried that you will lose your husband if you do not enable him, then consider getting intensive face to face counseling for yourself. You may be right. Yet, this is very much like losing a drug addict because you refuse to use the drug with the addict, and you refuse to go buy it for him. If you are in this kind of situation, get help.

As you move toward the path of recovery, be brave and do not give into behaviors or attitudes that will only enable further psychological and spiritual harm to your husband and to yourself.