I’m 25, Yet My Parents Treat Me Like a Child - What Should I Do with My Fighting Parents?


 


QI am 25 years old. I am about to graduate from medical school but my family still treats me like I am 12. It’s our culture and how things have been all their life. I want to get married, but they don't approve of the good Muslim boy I have wanted to marry for the last 5 years.

They don't even consider that I should talk to any boy at all. Otherwise am not a good girl. Yet, when they do the same thing to my older siblings, none of which are married yet, they are angry that all the other people their age are.

I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything unless supervised. And all this has done is make me a better liar and able to sneak out and do what (halal) things I can as much as possible. They have a very big generation gap as my mother had me and my siblings in her 40s.

They consider my older brother who is 30 to still be a child and have said it numerous times. I do love my family even though I realize how crazy they are.

I want to marry and be allowed to go to movies and travel and have a life. But as I said before they are very old and have medical conditions. My mother also has depression because she grew up like I am and hates the way her life turned out but does nothing to make my life any easier. I have made them sick by simply disagreeing with them in the past.

Any small thing I do that they dislike makes my mother and grandmother and extended family sick or depressed or overreact. I have tried on many occasions to speak to my mother about changing some simple things slightly and she becomes so angry she refuses to eat and shouts and says she wants to die.

She does not want to see a counselor or talk about anything. On the outside, it seems as if we have the "perfect" well behaved, a well-adjusted family which makes things even more hard as everyone around my community will just view me as ruining my family’s life.

I feel imprisoned. If I stay here I am tortured. But if I leave then I torture my family. I want to live and make my own decisions but I don’t know how.


ANSWER

In this counseling answer:

This will continue to happen forever unless you and your siblings sit together with your parents and share your feelings and thoughts about your lives and your futures.

You need to let your parents know that it is not ok to make no effort in trying to find a partner for their children.

I suggest that you let his parents speak to your parents before you speak to them. This way, it is possible that his parents might help your parents understand that it is the right time to get their children married.

Until then, you must absolutely stop seeing him without the presence of a third person around as this is not completely allowed.

I’m 22, but My Parents Treat Me Like a Child


Assalamualaikum dear sister,


I thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.

I am very sorry to hear of the troubles you are facing with your parents at home. I can understand how frustrating it must be to be treated to a child when you are an adult. It must be hard for you and your siblings who are 30 and not treated the way they deserve to be treated.

I believe you are right in realizing that your parents’ behavior stems from their overprotection towards their children. They are not mentally ready to accept that all their children have grown up and are no longer in need of constant monitoring and supervision.

I’m 25, Yet My Parents Treat Me Like a Child - About Islam


In addition, it is possible that they have seen many marriages end in a disaster, so they are paranoid about getting their children married without ensuring that they are potentially choosing the best spouse. In addition, it is also possible that they are unaware of the importance marriage holds in Islam, and in the culture.

Talk to Your Parents


This will continue to happen forever unless you and your siblings sit together with your parents and share your feelings and thoughts about your lives and your futures. When you do not share what you feel as a person, parents are bound to think that whatever they are thinking is right. I suggest that you and your siblings first plan out a possible conversation with your parents and then bring up the discussion of marriage at the dinner table, etc.

Do not start the conversation head-on, but gradually steer the conversation in the direction of marriage. For example, if you have a friend who is married, mention how they are planning a trip, or starting to think about moving, etc. etc., and then talk about the age at when they got married, and then slowly start talking about what you and your siblings’ plans are regarding marriage.

You can also start by talking about the importance of marriage in the Quran and Sunnah.

In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing. (Quran 24: 32)

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Quran 30: 21)

Therefore, you can let your parents know that it is important that one seeks to find the right match for the purpose of marriage.

Next, for your siblings to find a potential spouse, you obviously need to get them to network and let themselves be known around the community.

Check out this counseling video:

Seek Help from Third Party


You also mentioned that your extended family members overreact when your parents raise anger with regards to marriage, it may be because they are not fully aware of the situation in which you are living. Have you ever tried speaking to your grandma? Ask her to speak to your parents. Try to learn why your parents are behaving the way they are.

You need to let your parents know that it is not ok to make no effort in trying to find a partner for their children. In some circumstances, like yourself, when you have already found someone you believe is a right match, then parents need to be understanding and accepting.

However, when children are not in a situation where they have found anyone for themselves, the parents need to ensure they know the children properly to find the right person who matches their personality. It is a responsibility they have.

I understand that it is easy said than done. I am completely in accordance with the fact that it is not easy to approach parents about marriage.

Therefore, if you have anyone you trust in your community, like an aunt, a friend, a family friend, etc. you should request them to subtly introduce the topic of marriage. With your siblings and parents without being too direct so that your parents realize that it is a part of having children that they simply cannot avoid.

Let His Parents Approach Your Parents


Lastly, with regards to you pursuing marriage with the classmate that you are interested in, I can suggest two methods.  If you plan to speed up the process of marrying him before you get your parents to understand the importance of marriage and the importance of getting their children married.

I suggest that you let his parents speak to your parents before you speak to them. This way, it is possible that his parents might help your parents understand that it is the right time to get their children married.

However, until then, you must absolutely stop seeing him without the presence of a third person around as this is not completely allowed. You must let your brother or other siblings know about the person you want to marry and then break the news to your parents.

Your brother will probably be a better person to share this information with if he is the type of person to understand you and give you good advice and help you.

In conclusion, I strongly advise you to handle these matters with peace, calmness, and happiness, and not worry about losing the ability to ‘live’ your life. You are living a life, do not become rebellious and destroy a good relationship with your parents.

If your parents are not reasonable and understanding, then you need to realize that you need to handle the bigger problem and be reasonable and understanding and patient.

Dear sister, patience goes a long way and will certainly give you all that you desire. When others are not completely too willing to understand, we need to work to make them understand using what they understand best.

What Should I Do with My Fighting Parents?

QMy parents fight every time they talk to each other. I'm 20 year old right now, and I live with them. It feels weird to see them like this. It influences me mentally and emotionally.

My two siblings really want them to divorce because they hate my father who has been hurting my mother ever since they got married, according to my mother. Their marriage was arranged.

However, I don't feel good about the idea of divorce because I still worried about my little sister who is only 6 years old. She is deaf as well as me. I also don't like the idea of a family being separated.

I love both of my parents regardless of how they negatively influence us. I don't know which choice is better anymore.

Should I encourage them to get divorced or keep them together regardless of what they to with each other and how this affects us?


ANSWER

In this counseling answer:


• It may not be a good idea to “force” or pressure your parents to separate or divorce.

• Start creating boundaries with your parents.

• Be assertive with your father; talk to him openly about how affected you and your siblings are.

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• Going to professional therapy can help both of your parents to manage the situation better.

• Be more communicative with your mother.

• Practice self-care.

As-salamu Alaikum Sister,


I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can absolutely understand the conflict and the pain that you face every day, watching your parents fight.

My Parents’ Fights Make Me Depressed


While it is definitely very agonizing to watch your parents fight, the ultimate decision of whether they want to divorce, separate or live together rests with your parents. It may not be a good idea to “force” or pressure your parents to separate or divorce.

How to deal with the situation: I cannot suggest anything concrete since I do not have all the information about who earns for the family, whether your mother can manage you and your siblings on her own, considering you and your sister have a hearing disability.

Yet, I fully realize that living under the same roof where one or more of the family members is abused (verbally, emotionally or physically) almost every day can be a huge emotional burden. Nobody deserves and neither should have to carry on.

From your age, it is apparent that your parents have been married for more than 20 years. If the problem has been going on all these years, it is unlikely that the situation will resolve unless drastic steps are taken.

Here are a few suggestions that can help you manage your situation better.

Start creating boundaries with your parents


Many times, parents start taking their children for granted and focus on themselves and their own lives. They expect you to follow a given set of rules and not deviate from the defined rules. Otherwise, it makes them uncomfortable.

However, as you grow up, it is important that you make your parents realize that you may not be able to carry on living with all their demands and rules.

In your case, your father seems to be oblivious of the effect you and your siblings go through when he fights with your mother or hurts her.

Your mental and emotional health is among the responsibilities of your parents. Every child has the right to have mental peace at home where they can feel safe and secure.

What Should I Do with My Fighting Parents? - About Islam


Therefore, whenever you feel down, depressed or neglected because of your father’s behavior, make it a point to let him know that he hurt you.

According to Hadith, Prophet Muhammad SAW said,

“The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family.” [Tirmidhi]

Be assertive with your father


B assertive with your father about how his behavior affects you and everyone at home, including your siblings and your mother. Talk to him openly about how affected you and your siblings are.

Ask him about why he behaves in such a way.

By communicating your feelings with him, he may be able to realize the psychological and emotional damage he puts you and your family through.

Sister, it is important to realize that being assertive does not equate to being disobedient or rude. It simply means that you express how you feel regarding a situation with your own perspective and how it affects you, rather than accusing the other person.

Check out this counseling video:

Convince your parents for couple’s counseling or family therapy


Another effective way to deal with this situation would be to convince both of your parents for family/couple’s counseling. Going to professional therapy can help both of your parents to manage the situation better, and can help create a better home environment for everyone.

Be more communicative with your mother


Communicate with your mother and see what she wants. There is a possibility that she does not want to get separated. Or if she does, she may be too worried about how she will manage the children, etc.

As children, all of you are bound to move on, one way or the other. You will become financially independent; you will get married, etc. However, your mother will eventually be the one who will suffer the most if it comes to divorce.

If she really wants to get out of this abusive relationship, nothing should stop her. It is definitely her right to get out of the abuse. However, if she is not mentally ready to leave the relationship, it could do her more harm than good. Let her decide what she wants, for herself.

Practice self-care


Living in a tense environment can get toxic to your mental and physical health. Therefore, take out time for yourself, and do things that you enjoy. Indulge in pleasure and self-care; it is your right.

Find activities that help to soothe and relax you. For instance, go out for walks, paint, read, or write – anything that you enjoy doing and helps you connect with yourself.

Being the eldest sibling, you may also feel that a lot of responsibility rests on you; whether your parents live together or don’t, and if they live together, whether they live in peace.

Yes, you can play your part in helping to improve the environment. However, you need to realize that you cannot “fix” anyone or anything. If your parents’ relationship does not get better, it will never be your fault!

Seek help from Allah SWT


Sister, Allah SWT knows best. He knows the solution to every problem. Be regular in your prayers and supplication. Pray that He gives peace to you and your family.

You need to realize that this life is a test for each of us. What matters eventually is your connection and relationship with Allah SWT in good and bad times.

If it comes to divorce, don’t resist


Last but not least, trust what Allah SWT has plans for you and your family. I realize that a situation like this is usually a double-edged sword. It’s excruciating to live in a toxic environment, yet at the same time, it is heart-wrenching to get out of it because you love all your family members so dearly.

Know what will happen is the decree of Allah – and it is for your benefit, even if you do not see it right now.

I pray that may Allah SWT make everything easy for you and your family.

Ameen.