I Fear Getting Married & Having Children

QI have a fear of getting married, let alone thinking of having children. I've often thought that I might die before any of that happened. I accidentally asked (to Allah) to die sooner instead of being a wife and a mother. What do I do about this? I need someone like you to answer this problem.


ANSWER

In this counseling answer:


You may wish to write down your fears so you can look at them and see if they are rational fears.

I kindly suggest that you do make these lists, cross out the fears that do not make sense once you analyze them, and focus on the good and positive aspects of marriage and children. I kindly ask in sha Allah, that you read the positive list at least two or three times a day.

Afraid of Marriage & Financial Responsibility


If you do have a history of trauma, counseling has a high rate of success for healing and moving forward in life.

As salamu alaykum sister,


As I understand your issue, dear sister, you have a fear of getting married and having children. You also stated that you accidentally asked Allah to let you die before you became a wife and a mother. Now you are wondering what to do.

Fear of Marriage and Having Children


Sister, I am wondering what it is that you are afraid of when it comes to marriage and having children. I kindly ask that you look inside of yourself, your feelings, and determine what are your fears exactly-and where did they come from.

You may wish to write down your fears so you can look at them and see if they are rational fears.

You may also wish to write down what it is about marriage and having children that would be wonderful.

After you do that, you could compare the two lists and see which one makes more sense to you. Does it make sense to fear marriage for instance because you feel you might get divorced? If that were the case hardly anyone will get married!

Marriage is supposed to be forever at least in this lifetime however, we cannot predict the future only Allah knows. The best thing we can do is follow Islam, trust in Allah, and use our own best judgment when choosing a life partner.

I am not saying that is one of your fears, I just gave this as an example of how to possibly break down some of your personal fears. A lot of the fears that we have are not grounded in reality but our future projections of things that probably will not happen.

Positive Affirmations


When looking at your positive list concerning marriage and children, do these things bring you joy? Do they make you smile? Do they give you hope? When focusing on the positive we can oftentimes eliminate a lot of things that we are fearful of.

When focusing on the good and positive aspects of something and creating positive affirmations, what we are afraid of may begin to fade.

I kindly suggest that you do make these lists, cross out the fears that do not make sense once you analyze them, and focus on the good and positive aspects of marriage and children.

I kindly ask in sha Allah, that you read the positive list at least two or three times a day. This will help train your mind to think in a positive way about these issues.

Possible Trauma


On the other hand, if there is something traumatic that has happened in your past and/or the childhood that has caused you to be fearful of marriage and having children– that is another thing. If this is the case sister, please do seek out counseling in your area.

It is best to address these issues while you are young rather than carrying them through year after year, they only grow bigger and you may miss out on a lot of beautiful things in life.

Further, if you do have a history of trauma, counseling has a high rate of success for healing and moving forward in life.

Past Request of Allah


As far as what you asked Allah, sister Allah knows us better than we know ourselves. I am not an Islamic scholar but I do know that Allah knows us, He loves us, and He knows when we say things we don’t mean. Allah knows when we say things out of fear and frustration, and

He knows when we don’t mean something. Allah in His mercy and infinite wisdom will not grant you this request knowing you requested it under duress and fear. Allah is most wise, most merciful, and most forgiving.

I kindly ask that you pray to Allah asking Him to forgive you for your previous request you made while under dire fear. Of course, Allah already knows this, Allah knows All-but as a humble servant of Allah this prayer can be an ending and nullifier of your previous request, but Allah already knows your heart sister and He loves you and He insha’Allah will grant you a long, happy life.

Conclusion


I kindly suggest sister that you do address the issues that have caused you such fear regarding marriage and having children. Be it through making your list and focusing on the positive until you are comfortable, to going for counseling if you feel these fears are due to past trauma or abuse.

In sha Allah, you will soon feel positive emotions when thinking about marriage and children. However, you must clear out whatever it is that is causing you distress and fear.

I kindly advise that you do this sooner than later so you can heal and begin to live your life enjoy in love without fear. Lastly, keep close to Allah knowing He loves you, He knows your deepest fears and joys, and He will insha’Allah grant ease during this journey towards healing and getting past fears.