How to End a Sinful Relationship?

QSalam. I have a boyfriend who is two years older than me. He says he loves me and at some point I believed him. We've done some things that aren't Islamic at all. We haven't gone far wrong but we have wronged. I don't like the fact that we make all sorts of sins and whenever I'm alone I try as much as possible not to do any more wrongs. I try so hard to convince myself not to but whenever we meet I can't help but kiss him or hold him and the likes of it. I've prayed istikhara about him several times, more than just seven times but I can't seem to be able to figure out what my answer is. I only love him even more. I don't know what to do, though sometimes I feel like he's backing out or he loves me less than he used to but whenever I get a second opinion they always see things otherwise. Most times I want to ask him if he still has intentions of marrying me but I don't want to come off as desperate. What do I do?


ANSWER

In this counseling answer:

“The best thing, to begin with, is to ask for Allah’s forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and in sha Allah will accept your repentance. The next thing, as difficult as it may sound, is to avoid being in contact with this man alone because as you know yourself you have a hard time taking things a step further than they should be for a couple who aren’t even married. This might sound pretty harsh,  but for both, yours and his protection at this point is the best way to avoid falling into further sin.”

As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have found a man that you’d like to marry and seem to love him very much, but you’re starting to doubt if he really intends to follow through to marriage with to you so now you are unsure about what to do despite praying istikhara.

Sister, it certainly is very important to make istikhara when making such important life-changing decisions, but you should also understand that the more time you spend with him beyond the bounds of what is Islamically acceptable these strong feelings will inevitably develop and will taint your view of what the results of your istikhara are, so please keep this in mind when trying to understand what Allah is truly guiding you to do.

Naturally having spent some much time close together developing a feeling for one another and taking things further than you should as you say, you will develop such feelings and this will make it hard for you to step back and decide whether you really are doing the right thing to pursue marriage to this man.

This is why Allah warns us about having relations with the opposite sex in such a way that we are alone together as the shaytan can and will interfere and encourage the couple to engage in inappropriate acts outside of marriage. Unfortunately, it seems you have fallen victim to this. However, since you have now already developed strong feelings for this man you cannot go back and change what has happened, but you can make sure you do all you can to rectify the situation to be more pleasing to Allah and ultimately more beneficial to you.

The best thing, to begin with, is to ask for Allah’s forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and in sha Allah will accept your repentance. The next thing, as difficult as it may sound, is to avoid being in contact with this man alone because as you know yourself you have a hard time taking things a step further than they should be for a couple who aren’t even married. This might sound pretty harsh,  but for both, yours and his protection at this point is the best way to avoid falling into further sin. This is not just for your sake, but for his too. If you really love him then you will also not want him to got Allah’s punishment too.

This might sound pretty harsh,  but for both, yours and his protection at this point is the best way to avoid falling into further sin. This is not just for your sake, but for his too. If you really love him then you will also not want him to got Allah’s punishment too.

If you are very serious about seeking marriage to this man, then make sure to do so in the most appropriate way. Therefore, ask your family to approach his, or at least for a representative of you to go to his family and speak further with them about moving forward with a marriage.

Alternatively, if you want him to be the one to make the move then do meet him again but ensure that you have a mahram with you so that you are able to keep things halal and appropriate as well as seeking marriage in a way that is more pleasing to Allah than how you have been so far. This way you can encourage him to be the one to make the move if he is serious about getting married.

You do also state your concerns about coming across as desperate so it might be that you make your intentions clear that you wish to get married and give him a certain amount of time to get serious about it and make plans. This is not something you necessarily need to say to him, but perhaps have in mind that maybe if he’s not done anything about it say 3 months on for example then maybe he isn’t serious and it’s time to move on. This is a time limit that you can set for yourself that feels most comfortable to you and that you feel able to wait for.

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.