A Convert: “I Have Been Abused All My Life”

QAssalamu alyikum,

In a few days, I will have dealt with severe mental illness for almost ten years of my life, half of my life, gone.

I am a revert, I became Muslim when I married my ex-husband a few years ago. My ex was extremely abusive to me nearly everyday of our marriage, to the point I tried to take my life to get away from him, that was my 10th attempt to take my life in my life time.

Since then I have tried twice more, Allah curses me to stay alive to be tortured.

Although I am now divorced, I deal with the PTSD and the pain my ex-husband left me with. My ex-husband was not a practicing Muslim, everything I've learned I've had to teach myself, my family is Islamophobic and want little to do with me now especially that I'm Muslim, I know very few Muslims as a result.

I have suffered pain and abuse all my life, from my parents to bullying and harassment in school, to childhood abuse that no one ever believed happened to me.

I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital many times in my life, I have experienced violence and abuse in those places, they cared nothing for me and did little to help me.

I've had around two dozen psychiatrist and therapist in my life, I've done many types of therapy, tried over 26 different medications for my mental illness. Nothing helps.

I have had no friends or support for all this time, people will go out of their way to take advantage of me or avoid me, I have given up on such things as having friends or support, or even just someone who cares about if I live or die.

As a revert, I was treated well by the Muslims I took my Shahadda with, but like everyone else, most Muslims went out of their way to avoid me, especially since I only speak English and that makes me as someone not born Muslim and someone not to be accepted.

During all of this I prayed and prayed and prayed to Allah and asked for help from my ex-husband's abuse, I prayed for friends, I prayed for everything. Not one word, not one dua answered.

This year was my first Ramadan, I did everything I was supposed to do, I went to Taraweeh nearly every night, payed zakat and sadaqa-- even though I could not afford a penny.

I prayed Tahajjud, and other Sunnah prayers. No response from Allah, nothing has changed.

I have done everything recommended to me to do or say, read/listen to Quran, pray more, that if Allah loves a servant he tests them, after hardship, there is ease, etc. Absolutely nothing.

I swore to myself if my life had not significantly changed for the better by the time I had a decade of my life stolen from me, that I would end my life because there would be proof that nothing positive in my life could or would happen.

Things have always and would always continue to get worse, and Allah is intent on torturing and cursing me to be forced to live like this and puts it in everyone's heart to not care or help me.

No one deserves a life with this much pain, with no end, I will not live a life that is clearly not worth living.

There is no good experience that will make up for the abuse I have suffered. Not once as a Muslim has Allah listened to me, not one dua answered.

I already know, you kill yourself you go to hell and you will continue to kill yourself for eternity.

I have no way out of the immense suffering I deal with every day, Allah only wishes to torture me more, he will not even give me one person who would help, or would even care if I lived or died.

I can deal with this torture here or torture in another life, what kind of choice is that.

I don't know what to ask for, I am trying to exhaust every means I can maybe something will change, but I know if I ask for help none will come, not from people, not from Allah.

I have nothing left to do and a life not worth living.

ANSWER

In this counseling answer:

If at any point you are going to harm yourself please contact 1-800-273-8255. This is a 24/7 crisis hotline.

Seek out clinical therapy and consider medication.

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Consider an emotional support animal.

Get involved with the local community.

Seek out social events related to your interests.

Be gentle with family.

Use a thought journal daily.

Identify 3 positive coping skills.

suffering healing


How Can We Turn Suffering into Healing?


Assalamu alaikum sister,


Thank you for trusting us with this delicate and difficult situation. I need to begin this by saying if at any point you are going to harm yourself please contact 1-800-273-8255. This is a 24/7 crisis hotline. Do not hesitate to reach out to them.

Additionally, you can always contact your local ER and alert them to your feelings, they will send authorities to escort you to the hospital.

It is my understanding you are a revert, struggle with mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts, have PTSD from your abusive ex, and lack a social support network. This is a difficult situation, but not an impossible one.

A Convert: “I Have Been Abused All My Life” - About Islam


Let me give you a little background on myself, sister, so that you understand my words come from a place of empathy and deep understanding. I am a revert and I myself went to therapy during my younger years for childhood traumas. My first husband was abusive, and I have also felt the sting of isolation that comes with the territory of being a revert Muslim.

Yet, here I sit right now in a stable place of my life offering you assistance alhamdulillah. I give you my word, keeping in mind that vows are serious in Islam, that all this pain can make you a stronger woman and a more grateful woman in shaa’ Allah, but it takes time to come out of the emotional storm.

Clinical Treatment


You mentioned being on medications previously as well as engaging in therapy. I would advise trying this again, but this time try a different approach. For example, some people resonate more with equine therapy or music therapy than the traditional “sit on a couch” approach.

You can investigate various options in your immediate area and find something that appeals to you. 

I cannot give you recommendations related to medications, but you can talk about this with your psychiatric provider. You don’t necessarily have to get on long-term medication, it could be PRN (take as needed) so maybe a few times a week you need something to take the edge off. This is your decision to make with your provider.

Pet Therapy


I would advise looking into pet therapy if you like animals, specifically getting an emotional support animal. This is a legitimate medical service, not just a pet, and as such your animal would have rights to be allowed into various establishments with you.

Almost any animal can be trained as an emotional support animal, it is whatever animal would resonate more with you. While dogs are typically animals associated with this, one person might prefer a cat and someone else a parrot. Any animal that can be trained to recognize when you need them.

I know some Muslims have reservations regarding dogs, and I cannot give you an Islamic ruling on this. However, as I see it this is a medical/psychiatric need and I have witnessed someone using a seeing-eye dog that lives with them inside.

Change Your Perspective


Some counselors will say nothing but positive words and avoid the difficult truths, but I am confident you have already interacted with that gentle style of counseling, so I am going to be honest with you.

The truth is this sister; when you say things like “there would be proof that nothing positive in my life could or would happen, things have always and would always to continue to get worse, and Allah is intent on torturing and cursing me to be forced to live like this”, it shows a cognitive distortion, a very negative one.

Think of distortion like a pair of glasses. If you put on the right glasses it makes your vision focused and clear but if you put on the wrong glasses you can’t see. You are distorting your own perspective and setting yourself up to fall.

Check out this counseling answer:

Instead of going into things with a hopeful mindset and having faith it can improve, you already believe it will stay negative. So, guess what happens next? You will subconsciously do things to keep that negativity going, this is called self-fulling prophecy.

Pain has become your safety blanket because it is what you were raised with, it is what you are most familiar with, so you keep it around you. 

The good news is this can be changed. You start doing that by actively looking for the positive things in your life, increasing your gratitude about them, and working on cultivating more positivity.

For example, you said that Allah (most honored and revered) doesn’t listen to you. Are you sure about that? As I see it, Allah brought you into the fold of Islam and guided you to the best faith walk for yourself. Allah guided you to write to us and ensured that another revert sister with an eerily similar background was the one to answer you.

Allah gave you the ability to worship more than many Muslims do during Ramadan. Trust me, not everyone prays tarawih as often as it sounds like you did. You attempted to take your life in the past, but Allah kept you here because He knows you can do this.

Those are just a few examples of Allah guiding you. We have free will, sister; Allah will plant the seeds but it is our choice to harvest them or not. That is part of our test.

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient”. [Quran 2:155]

Journaling


I want you to purchase a journal which will be dedicated to your mental health. At the end of every day, sit and write down 3 things that happened which you are grateful for. Say alhamdulillah and really think about those blessings.

“…If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor] …” [Quran 14:7]

In that same journal, whenever you have an invasive negative thought write it down summarized then underneath it you are going to combat that thought with a positive, more rational one.

For example, let’s say you wrote down “things will always get worse” underneath that you may write down “things are only as bad as I allow them to be, it is not what happens that matters that most but how I react to it. I will make things get better in shaa’ Allah”. Then, use a highlighter to highlight the positive thought. During the moments you feel these painful thoughts, read over the highlighted sections or make new ones.

Coping Skills


A wise woman once asked me what the difference between us mental health professionals and the patients was. She then said the answer was “coping skills”. Everyone goes through difficult stages, sister, and everyone is tested and most of the time you don’t know half the struggles people have.

Coping skills are how we manage those struggles. Some coping skills hurt us more, such as intoxicants or self-harm, while other coping skills are beneficial such as exercise, a hobby, or prayer.

I want you to work on identifying 3 positive coping skills. Ideally, you want to identify the one you can implement anywhere at any time, such as deep breathing or reciting a personal short quote.

The others can be more involved. Some examples are hiking, swimming, cooking, gardening, making artwork, reciting Quran or meditating. Coping skills are unique to each of us, try out a variety until you find what works for you.

Social Support


Most of us that are reverts have a family that doesn’t support or understand us, that is usually rooted in false ideas about what we believe in. Be gentle with your family, don’t force Islam on them and don’t force them to change their lives to suit yours. Offer to explain things to them and be open to any questions, no matter how hard they are. 

Ask your local mosques about events or committees you can join; the idea is to get involved and make friends in the community. If they have an interfaith committee you would be very valuable as you understand the western perspectives better. Don’t try to assimilate to the culture of the people in your mosque, just be yourself.

Use an interest you have and look for social groups nearby. For example, if you like gardening, then join a monthly class, it is a way to make like-minded friends.

Final Thoughts


To summarize your steps moving forward:

Seek out clinical therapy and consider medication


Consider an emotional support animal


Get involved with the local community


Seek out social events related to your interests


Be gentle with family


Use a thought journal daily


Identify 3 positive coping skills


My dear sister, you are only 20 years old. You are so young, yet you have already experienced so much. I know this is heavy on your heart right now, but in the future in shaa’ Allah, it is going to make you so strong.

May Allah heal your heart and grant you ease, ameen. 

Salam,