First Things to Know
MarriageAdvice1.jpgOne of the most useful advice, in the opinion of this author, is that a new Muslim should take Islam one piece at a time. It is a total way of life that needs time to adjust. It can take years to leave many non-Islamic behaviors, but sticking to Islam brings happiness in this life and in the one to come. Therefore, allow yourself time to grow as a Muslim and practice what you learn.
For a new Muslim, this author would advise to wait at least a year, preferably more, before thinking about getting married. Marriage is a big decision and one must allow oneself sufficient time to grow before making such a life-changing decision. Many of your views will change after entering into Islam. Marriage will set a direction for your life and determine how you identify yourself later in life. What you may find acceptable today, may not be acceptable after a few years of being a Muslim. Instead of looking to getting married right away, spend some time to not just learn, but live Islam. You would want to marry someone with the same dedication and level of application to Islam as you. That level will fluctuate in the formative years of becoming a Muslim.
Often times, a new Muslim finds himself lonely after accepting Islam, therefore, getting married too early to seek companionship usually results in a quick divorce and bitterness. People often times forget that marriage requires financial and emotional stability.
After establishing a stable base to stand on for your new religion, you can learn the details of marriage in Islam.
Finding a Muslim Life Partner
What is the purpose of your creation? It is to worship Allah and to draw close to Him. Consequently, choose a mate who will help you fulfill your purpose of creation. Do not ignore the factors in a prospective partner that will assist you in the life to come. This way, Insha-Allah, your love will be blessed.
Consider how seriously your prospective partner tries to draw close to Allah, and not just how physically attractive he or she appears. At the same time, keep in mind that certain level of physical attraction is necessary to get married. Moreover, just because someone is trying their best to be good Muslim does not mean they are faultless or even suitable for marriage. Sufficient inquiries will have to be made.
A new Muslim enters into Islam with a lot of preconceived notions and ideas that shape their outlook on how they perceive things. Western culture promotes marriage as a commitment to one person after having dated or even lived with many, knowing that one is the “right” person. The Islamic concept is much different. For example, in Islam you typically do not “fall in love” before marriage, but after marriage. In Islam, marriage is not a result of romantic love only, which brings intense love in the beginning, followed by later disappointment. In the West, as quickly as people “fall in love,” they “fall out of love!” In the West, people imagine their “honeymoon phase” will last forever. It never does. That is why, people keep hopping from one partner to another, trying to keep up the excitement.
Islam, on the other hand, sobers us to stay together when the “honeymoon phase” ends. It gives you guidelines to sustain a healthy relationship for the rest of your life. Love is definitely part of an Islamic marriage, but not the type that is shown in movies and teen romance novels. It is not sensible to destroy your life looking for romantic love that only exists in movies and novels.
Common Sense in Marriage
1. Allah warns us,
“And do not marry unbelieving women until they believe…even though she attracts you. Nor marry believing women to unbelievers until they believe…even though he attracts you. Unbelievers invite you towards the Fire...” (Quran 2:221)
The person you will live with the rest of your life will without doubt have a great influence on you. Therefore, you should ensure you have similar goals in life. The top of those goals should be seeking Allah’s pleasure. When you meet your prospective spouse, ask questions. Just because a man looks religious, does not mean he does not smoke or prays regularly on time. Similarly, if a woman appears religious does not mean she knows how to be a good Muslim wife and mother. Ask about matters that are important to you. Do not take anything for granted. Discuss finances, children, in-laws, work or study after marriage, division of chores, in short, anything that is important to you. It will help you make a decision about whether you want to marry that person or not.
Finding out about the person before marriage is not un-Islamic. Informed decision will save you from much pain and suffering later. Moreover, offer the Istikharah prayer (the prayer for Guidance).[1]
2. Do not expect major changes in a person after marriage. People change with time, and often they do not change how we expect them to or want them to change. For example, if someone has a particular personality trait like stinginess or wastefulness, it is unlikely to change quickly and easily. Getting married with false hopes is ill-advised and risky. Do not criticize someone for their physical flaws later in life. It will ruin your marriage. Be honest with others and yourself and take responsibility for your choices. An initial choice will determine how much effort you will have to put later in your marriage to lead a happy married life pleasing to your Creator.
It is also important to think carefully before bringing a child into the couple’s life. A baby should be brought into a healthy, stable marriage. Many people end up being single parents, bringing children into a dysfunctional family where there is either no dad or no mom.
3. That two people are good Muslims does not mean they will make a good couple. Compatibility is essential. It is important to choose a spouse who views and practices Islam like you. Furthermore, religion is not the only area of compatibility. Work, continuing education, socialization, city of residence, kids, and finances are also among important areas.
4. Realize what are your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim husband or wife and fulfill them to the best of your ability.
5. Lastly, it is beneficial for newcomers to Islam to search for a role model. Follow the role model in what they do according to Islam and leave the rest.
Since Islam does not allow boyfriend or girlfriend relationships, the only natural way for a new Muslim to keep himself chaste and have the companionship from the opposite gender is to get married.
Interfaith marriage
The only form of interfaith marriages permitted are between a Muslim man and a Christian or Jewish woman with the condition that she be chaste. What it means is that she does not have a boyfriend and does not have sex before marriage.
The Quran states:
“This day are (all) good things made lawful for you. The food of those who have received the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking (secret) lovers. And whoever denies the faith – his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.” [Quran 5:5]
Nevertheless, in a non-Muslim country, a Muslim man is discouraged to marry a non-Muslim. Some scholars even say it is forbidden. The reason is that it creates many complexities in case of divorce, which is common, especially with children custody issues.
A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man, even if he is a Jew or a Christian, under any circumstance.
Furthermore, a Muslim man can not marry a non-Jewish or non-Christian woman under any circumstance. Therefore, marriage to atheists, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, agnostics, and Qadianis is not allowed for a Muslim man or woman.
Same sex “marriage”
There is no concept in Islam of same sex or homosexual ‘marriage’. On the contrary, committing a homosexual act is sinful, and a forbidden act.
Finding a spouse
So, how do you go about getting married? How do you search for a spouse?
There are a few simple ways to look for a marriage partner.
1. If you like someone, for example, from work or school, you should talk to the Imam of your mosque or some close Muslim friends on how to proceed. Cultural practices differ greatly on what is considered appropriate or inappropriate in this regard. You can start by asking your Pakistani (or Arab) friends, ‘What is the best way to approach a Pakistani (or Arab) family for marriage?’
2. If you are starting from scratch, it will be a good idea to first make a ‘marriage resume,’ with the following information:
· Name
· Contact information (address, email, phone, etc)
· Age
· Education
· Work details
· Height
· Weight
· Little bit about your family
· What you are looking for (age, education, etc)
· Little bit about yourself and your future plans
· May indicate whether previously married or never married, and any children
· May indicate that “special personal information” (like criminal record, health issues, mental illness, etc) will be shared later
· References
Get some help from friends in making this resume if you need to.
You will use this ‘resume’ to email or give print outs to people you know. Otherwise, they will forget. It also shows them that you are serious.
3. Other sources are Muslim matrimonial websites and social networking websites. There are two types of matrimonial websites: general websites not geared towards any particular faith and websites geared towards Muslims. Some of the Muslim matrimonial websites are run by non-Muslims!
Going through them is a more productive way to find a spouse, but is not as reliable as personal networking. What this means is that you will find a bigger pool of online people for marriage, but you will have to be more careful.
There are a lot of people on Muslim matrimonial websites who are serious about looking for a marriage partner. At the same time, there are many who are either not serious, or, even worse, some who run scams. They know how to explore your weaknesses, or win your sympathy, and lure you into sending them money or sponsoring them from overseas to come to the US for a better life. Some might even not be Muslim, but pretend to be one. Yet, some men might pretend to be women. You should be careful not to send money to anyone overseas. If you do, you need to at least understand that it may not be used for the purpose you are sending it for. Beware that it is common for people to lie and misrepresent themselves to get more profile views.
There will be immense cultural differences if you decide to marry someone outside of your home country, and you will do best to follow the advice of someone who has used matrimonial websites successfully and can help you maneuver through them.
Rights & Responsibilities of Husbands & Wives
Islam clearly lays down rights and responsibilities of a husband over his wife and that of a wife over her husband. The idea that spouses have rights over one another is quite unique to Islam. What also makes it more amazing is how clearly they are laid out, so conflict can be minimized. Marriage counselors call it “expectations,” but do not have a clear idea of what those expectations should be. That is why they are left for a husband and wife to decide. Many times, they cannot decide or agree, thus ending the marriage.
What follows are some of the most important rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Few points must be kept in mind before reading them:
1. Allah is the source of these rights and responsibilities.
2. Just like a husband has rights over his wife, the wife has rights over her husband. They should both strive to fulfill each other’s rights to the best of their ability and forgive each other as much as possible if they fall short.
3. Both husband and wife must be moderate with respect to these rights and responsibilities. They should not remind the other of their rights in times of anger and quarrel to add more fuel. In other words, do not use your rights as instruments of abuse.
4. Many new Muslims read websites that specialize in Islamic legal rulings and books on Islamic jurisprudence as guides to better living. These resources usually provide the letter of the law, not necessarily the “spirit” of the law. The “spirit” of the law is to live in peace and harmony without disobeying Allah. Always remember that love, gentleness, and mercy are essential components of a happy, Islamic marriage.
Rights of the Wife Over the Husband
Islam grants a wife rights over her Muslim husband. Some of them are financial, others are not.
1. Mahr
The woman has the financial right to receive mahr, or bridal gift, from her husband.
2. Good Treatment
The Quran puts great emphasis on treating the wife well. “...And live with them in kindness...” (Quran 4:19). In addition to the Quran, the Prophet of Allah has also stressed, ‘The most excellent of you is he who is best to his wife.’ (Tirmidhi)
A Muslim husband must remember the advise of his beloved Prophet, “Fear Allah in regard to women. You were given them as a trust from Allah and by the word of Allah they have become lawful for you.” (Muslim) A wife is a trust, neither a slave, nor a dog and must be treated as such.
3. Financial Maintenance
A wife has the right to financial maintenance, including food, clothing, and housing according to what the husband can afford. It is the husband’s responsibility to work and support his wife.
4. Protection
A husband must protect his wife including physical and emotional well being.
Rights of the Husband Over the Wife
1. Obedience
In Islam, a wife is required to obey her husband in matters that do not involve disobeying Allah. This concept is totally alien to many Westerners, so please understand it well. In the West, they call this ‘control’ and sometimes ‘emotional abuse’. It is neither. Few important points must be kept in mind.
One, a wife must obey her husband in obedience to Allah. The Prophet said, ‘If a woman offers her five daily prayers, fasts the month of Ramadan, guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her on the Day of Judgment, “Enter through any gate of Paradise you wish.”’ (Ibn Hibban)
Two, wife obeying her husband is not like a slave obeying the master! She is a free woman, not a slave. What this means is that her husband can not abuse his authority over his wife and act as a tyrant. He must remember that he is the servant of Allah and will be questioned about how he treats his wife.
Third, a husband must conduct the affairs of his family with mutual consultation with his wife, but in the end, he is the decision-maker and he will be responsible in front of Allah for his decision. A wife should not object to his decision-making authority and recognize that just like every company has a CEO, the “family” is like a company and the husband is its CEO. Remember, the husband has to balance his authority with good treatment that is the wife’s right over him.
2. Protecting the Honor & Dignity of the Husband
She must protect his wealth and children, among other things, in his house. The Prophet Muhammad said, “The wife is the guardian over the house of her husband and his children.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim) She is required to raise his children upon Islamic values.
3. Not Leaving the House Without the Husband’s Permission
The Prophet said, “If the wife of any of you should seek permission to go to the mosque, do not prevent her.” (Muslim) This does not mean she has to take his permission every time before she leaves the house, asking, “Can I leave?” What this means is that she should not go some place he does not approve of. It will minimize conflict and keep happiness in the family. An exception is the mosque. She can go to the mosque without her husband’s permission and approval.
4. Not Allowing Anyone to Enter His House Without His Permission
The Prophet said, “And your right over them is that they do not allow anyone whom you dislike to sit on your cushion.”[1] Once again, what this means is not to let anyone in the house who the husband disapproves of to minimize conflict and maintain harmony.
5. Concealing Bedroom Secrets
Neither spouse should talk about their sex lives with friends and family members. It is considered inappropriate, indecent, and shameful. Both should respect each other’s privacy in this regard.
Sexual intercourse is a right they both have on each other. Each spouse has a right to intercourse. Vaginal intercourse is prohibited during a woman’s menstrual cycle and post-natal bleeding. Anal intercourse is severely prohibited at all times.
he Nuts & Bolts of an Islamic Marriage
Marriage is a beautiful institution in Islam. It is a bond unifying a man and a woman for a lifetime for the purpose of loving one another, helping one another, and in reproducing and raising children to be good Muslims. Actually, through marriage a Muslim man and woman worship Allah. Allah’s Prophet said, “When a person gets married, he has protected half of his Imaan (faith), so let him be conscious of Allah with regard to the other half.” (Tabarani)
Goals of Marriage
1. Seeking offspring and continuing the human species by producing children in a natural way.
2. Enjoying Allah’s gifts, finding companionship, fulfilling one’s sexual desires, and getting pleasure in a halal (permissible) way.
3. Lowering the gaze, exercising self-control, preserving modesty, and keeping oneself away from what is forbidden.
Allah’s Prophet encouraged Muslims to marry. He said, “Young men, whoever among you is able to marry, let him get married, for this is better for lowering the gaze and guarding the chastity. Whoever cannot afford to get married, let him fast, as fasting would act as a restraint for him.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)
If a person cannot exercise self-control and is worried about doing something forbidden, then getting married becomes obligatory.
The Marriage Guardian (Walee)
A Muslim woman needs a marriage guardian, known as a walee, to help her with the process. A woman’s Muslim father or brother act as her walee. For a new Muslim with no male Muslim relatives, the Imam of the mosque should act as a walee or he may appoint someone to be her walee and help her in the process.
The job of a walee is to help a woman get married, talk to prospective suitors, question them about their intentions, make necessary investigations, and advise her on their suitability. The walee is there to help and facilitate the woman in getting married to a suitable man.
Choosing a Spouse
The Prophet explained,
“A woman is married for four reasons: on account of her wealth, her noble descent, her beauty, and her religion. So, marry the one who is religious and you will prosper.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)
In another beautiful hadith, he said, “The world is a passing delight, and the best enjoyment of this world is a righteous wife.” (Saheeh Muslim)
The Prophet has advised to marry a woman with a religious disposition because she will assist a man living a daily life pleasing to Allah and keep him safe from falling into sinful activities.
What to look for in a prospective wife:
· Taqwa (piety)
· Affectionate nature
· Obedience
· Patience
· Contentment
What to look for in a prospective husband:
· Taqwa (piety)
· Halal income to support his family
· Basic Islamic knowledge
· Ability to think soundly
· Tolerance, control over anger
· Responsibility
Meeting before Marriage
It is permissible for a Muslim man and a Muslim woman to meet one another, see one another, and talk to one another with the intention to get married. Some restrictions should be followed though. They should not meet alone. They should not date. Their conversation should not slip into sex talk. Their intention should be announced and their meeting must be chaperoned. This is so they can make the right decision without compromising the limits of modesty. The walee will play a major role in arranging these meetings.
The Prophet said,
“If one of you feels in his heart that he should offer a marriage proposal to a certain woman, let him take a look at her, for it is more likely to promote intimacy between them.” (Musnad)
Marriage Proposal
The next step for a man who finds a suitable woman, is to propose. In Islam, the marriage proposal is simply a promise to marry. Breaking that promise without a good reason would be dishonesty.
If the woman is a widow or was divorced, the man should wait for her idda (waiting period) to expire. Idda will be explained in more detail in a later lesson. It is also not allowed to propose to a woman whom another man has proposed and his proposal has been accepted.
Prayer for Guidance (Istikharah) & Seeking Advise
Prophet Muhammad taught us to pray a special prayer known as Istikharah prayer or the prayer for Guidance. It is offered when seeking guidance from Allah when making an important decision or making a choice in a complex situation. The Istikharah prayer is two units of prayer with a special supplication made afterwards. In it, a person asks Allah for the best course of action to take[1]. In addition to this prayer, one should also seek the advise of those he trusts.
Marriage Contract
In Islam, the marriage is a contract between the two parties. The four basic conditions for the marriage contract to be valid are:
1. Consent of the woman’s walee (marriage guardian)
2. Agreement of the woman
3. Two male, Muslim witnesses
4. The offer to marry and it’s acceptance
The Bride’s Right to Dowry (Mahr)
In Islam, the wife has a right over the husband that he gives her a dowry, known as “mahr” in Arabic. What is mahr? It is a gift a husband must give his wife at the time of marriage out of his free will without expecting anything in return. The mahr is the right of a woman over her husband that becomes her property. There is no minimum or maximum limit for mahr. It is better to keep it affordable to make marriage easy. The mahr can be anything that the two parties agree to. It can be a mere token or a house and car, or even more. The Prophet has declared that even an iron ring is enough if the bride will accept it or teaching her some chapters of the Quran.
The Wedding Feast (Waleemah)
The new husband is highly encouraged to give a traditional wedding feast called "Waleemah" in Arabic. The feast is an established Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad. When one of his companions, Abdur-Rahman bin Auf got married, the Prophet instructed him, “Offer a feast to celebrate the wedding, even if it consists of no more than a sheep.”[2] When the Prophet married Safiyya, he gave the wedding feast after three days.[3]
Who gets invited to the waleemah party? The husband should not distinguish between the rich and the poor. The Prophet of Allah said, “The worst food of the wedding feast is that in which only the rich are invited and the poor are avoided. And whoever does not respond to the invitation has disobeyed Allah and His Messenger.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)
