The family is one of the central organizing institutions of society.  In Islam a family is built through marriage.  Marriage is a legal arrangement in Islam, not a sacrament in the Christian sense, and is secured with a written contract.  Marriage is about stability, loyalty, security, and adulthood.  Marital life is marked by mercy, love, and compassion as Allah says:

“And He has placed between you love and compassion.” (Quran 30:21)

The core sentiments of family life that define the nature and meaning of this social institution are love, nurturance, and dependability where spouses find comfort in each other:

“It is He who created you from one soul and created from it its mate that he might find comfort in her.” (Quran 8:189)

“They are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them.” (Quran 2:187)

Purpose of Marriage


1.    Sexual drive is a normal human emotion.  Islam does not block it or look at it with disdain.  It provides channels to satisfy sexual urges without undermining social responsibility.  It does so by regulating sexuality within marriage.

2.    A single person is too weak to go through this life on his own.  A life partner in the form of a spouse shares the joys and burdens of life.  Marriage provides the social support individuals need.  Marriage provides meaning and a set of personal, intimate relationships against the backdrop of the impersonal, bureaucratized world of modern society.

3.    The family is about continuity and extension.  Marriage concerns raising the future generation and passing on to them the values and wisdom of the past generation.

4.    Marriage safeguards lineage, controls reproduction, and ensures the socialization of children who are born within the family unit.  Islam does not make the mother solely responsible for raising children; rather, it makes the father primarily responsible for them.  Every child should be attributable to his biological father, so lineages do not get mixed up due to loose sexual relations in the society.  Through the institution of marriage, individuals are joined together and given the social and legal sanction to perpetuate their name and traditions through their offspring.

Inter-faith Marriages


Faith is the most important denominator for a Muslim in choosing a spouse.  Muslims are not allowed to marry non-Muslims. The only exception is that Muslim men are allowed to marry Jewish or Christian women with certain conditions. They are not allowed to marry any non-Muslim women, but only those who adhere to the Jewish or Christian faith.  However, chastity is an important condition.  Only a woman who is a virgin, divorcee, or a widow may be married. 

The reason for limiting the permission for marrying people of other faiths is given men alone is essence to protect the Muslim woman’s religion.  If a Muslim husband asks his wife not to dress inappropriately or not to kiss his male friends - an acceptable social practice in the West - she could comply without affecting the teachings of her religion.  But a Christian husband’s request that his Muslim wife buys alcohol, serves him pork, wears tight revealing clothes, or kisses his friends would involve disobeying Allah, and therefore be destructive to her religious practice.  Furthermore, Muslim men are especially discouraged from marrying Jewish or Christian women where the government is non-Muslim and the Muslims are a minority.  If their marriage ends in divorce, or the husband dies, the court will usually grant custody to the mother who will raise them as non-Muslims.

Spousal Rights


Islam clearly sets out the rights and responsibilities of each spouse to maintain marital harmony.  The fact is spelled out in the Quran:

“And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is well-known, but men have a degree over them.” (Quran 2:228)

In general, husbands have more rights which are due to them than the wife due to their role on the family, just as parents have more rights than their children, and leaders have more rights than the general masses, etc. A husband is in charge of the family.

Leadership however is based on mutual consultation, it is not a dictatorship.  Addressing one of the issues of marital life – the weaning of a child - the Quran encourages mutual consultation:

“But if the couple desire to wean by mutual consent and consultation, then there is no blame on them.” (Quran 2:233)

The Quran encourages spouses to live in kindness and to consult each other:

“And consult together in kindness.” (Quran 65:4)

In brief, the rights of a wife over her husband are:

(1) Mahr or bridal gift given at the time of marriage from the husband.

(2) Financially maintenance, including accommodation, food, clothing, and spend on her according to what is commonly acceptable.

(3) Good behavior and kindness. 

(4) Sexual intercourse.

(5) Divorce: A wife may seek divorce from a man who insists on disobeying Allah. A wife may also seek divorce due to cruel behavior and physical abuse, or non-fulfillment of her rights, or any other valid reason.

The rights of a husband over his wife are:

(1)  Obedience.  A husband has right over his wife that she obeys him in what he commands her as long as it is reasonably within her abilities, and does not involve Allah’s disobedience.  A Muslim cannot obey anyone in a sin, let alone a husband. 

(2)  Husband has a right to good behavior and kindness.

(3)  Sexual intercourse.

(4) Divorce

Children’s Rights


Marital bond helps solidify a family unit in which children will be cared for and raised to become socially productive adults.  Families are the proper setting in which children are cared for and raised.  Parents can be counted on to provide long-term care for their dependent children because of the dual imperatives of love and obligation.  Childbearing is viewed as Allah’s blessing, a ‘sign’ from Him that deserves our gratitude:

“And Allah has made wives for you from among yourselves, and has given you sons and daughters from your wives, and has provided you with good things.  Will they then believe in falsehood and deny the favor of Allah?” (Quran 16:72)

Wealth and children are from the ‘adornments’ of this life:

“Wealth and children are an ornament of the life of the world.” (Quran 18:46)

Abraham, the beloved slave of God, prayed to Allah for offspring:

“My Lord, grant me (a child) from among the righteous.” (Quran 37:100)

Zechariah prayed:

“Bestow upon me, out of Your grace, the gift of a successor.” (Quran 19:5)

The Quran tells us of the prayer of the righteous:

“Our Lord!  Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes.” (Quran 25:74)

Thus, children are the product of marriage and childbearing is a major goal of Muslim marriage.  Children have certain rights over their parents.  First, the child must be ascribed to the biological father.  A father can not deny his child.  Second, a mother should breastfeed her child.  If she cannot, the father has to arrange for a wet nurse or another alternative, such as bottle feeding.  Third, a baby has the right on his mother that she takes care of him.  Both parents are responsible for education, religious instruction, and imparting good manners to the children.  Fourth, a child has the right to be treated equitably like the other children.  Fifth, the child has a right to be given a good name.

End of Marriage


Both husband and wife are encouraged to deal with each other kindly and render the rights of the other to reduce conflict and sow love and affection in each other’s heart.  They should be patient with each other to preserve their marriage:

“And live with them in kindness.  Then if you hate them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it.” (Quran 4:19)

Marriage is meant to last a lifetime.  There is no concept of temporary marriage in Islam.  The basis of long, lasting marriage should be affection and compatibility between spouses without which it becomes impossible.  This is why Islam encourages both spouses to be kind and flexible, and try to resolve their differences through family arbitration.  Modern marriages are always at risk of disruption because of a mismatch of personalities or the social forces at work that render them fragile.  In case all measures to save a marriage fail, and affection is replaced by permanent animosity making marital life impossible, Islam permits separation as a last resort.  Both spouses are allowed to go their own way and find a better and happier solution.  The separation can take place through talaq or khul’.

Talaq is what is commonly known as divorce.  Divorce in Islam is different in some respects from civil divorce.  It is of two types, revocable and irrevocable.  Divorce should be pronounced one time after a woman has cleaned herself from the monthly cycle before resuming sexual relations with her.  In this period he pronounces the divorce by saying once, ‘I divorce you.’  After divorce a ‘waiting period’ - Idda - is prescribed in which the husband might rethink his decision, revoke his divorce, and ‘resume’ marital relationship.  Separation from his wife partner might back the better memories of married life and encourage him to reconsider.  Likewise, arbitration from members of both families is also prescribed to resolve the root cause of marital conflict.

“And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace.” (Quran 4:35)

Within the ‘waiting period’ the husband can resume the marriage after revoking the divorce, but after the ‘waiting period’ has passed, he loses his right to revoke the divorce requiring a new marriage contract, ‘bridal gift,’ and assent of the woman for remarriage.

Khul’


A woman has the right to ask for divorce due to mistreatment or lack of financial support and, in an Islamic system, she may resort to a Muslim judge who can separate the two.  Khul’ is a woman seeking divorce from her husband in lieu of returning the ‘bridal gift’ to him.

‘Waiting Period’ - Idda


Prophet Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, deemed divorce in any case to be the worst of solutions, to be avoided at almost any cost.  If one must divorce, the process should be carried out over a period of time known as Idda.  This is both to make sure that the woman is not pregnant and, gives the man a chance to reconsider his decision, to avoid the possibility of severing a marriage because of the anger of the moment.  Idda is the period of three menstrual cycles a woman has to wait before the divorce becomes final.  The idda for a widow is four months and ten days.

Idda and family arbitration are two of the mechanisms within the Islamic Law to preserve the institution of marriage.


Introduction


The key to a pristine Islamic society starts with the family, for it is the nucleus of a healthy society. The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, gave detailed steps on raising a family properly; no doubt, it is a great responsibility. He said:

“Anyone who is responsible over others, but fails to uphold this responsibility properly, he would be barred from the Jannah (heavenly abode).” (Saheeh Muslim)

Parenting is indeed an immense task; specifically, parenting in the West. What should a parent consider, how should they raise their children? In this article we will explore a few practical tips that should be in the minds of every parent.

Create a Proper Homely Environment


Children raised in a ‘happy’ home usually become stronger, better Muslims. They more easily adopt the Islamic ideals and uphold common courtesy and etiquette that should be the standard for every Muslim.

To ensure that a home is ‘happy’, the parents themselves should uphold proper Islamic ethics. As well, parents must communicate with each other, in a clear, open manner. When children see that their parents are communicating in this method; neither of their parents become agitated, angry or violent, it would provoke children to share their feeling and thoughts and they will feel safe and secure. This step is absolutely imperative, as one of the lead causes of problems starts with the lack of this. If a child feels that they cannot communicate with their parents, they will seek attention elsewhere, be it from friends, who may influence this child in a very negative manner. Drug addictions, unlawful pre-marital relations and worse may be the result.

The next step that should be taken to ensure this environment is to love your children and show them that you love them.  The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, kissed his grandson, Al-Husain, in the presence of al-Aqra bin Habis, may Allah be pleased with them both. Al-Aqra said: “I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them!”  The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, then said: “The one who shows no mercy, shall not be shown any mercy.”[1]

Children who feel loved will return the compassion they receive. This is evident from the Prophet’s manner in dealing with children. One day while the Prophet was praying, he prolonged his prostration and the Companions began to worry; after some time, the Prophet resumed the prayer as normal. Of course, the Companions asked the Prophet about the prolonged prostration; they said: “O Messenger of Allah, you prolonged the prostration and we thought that you had either received revelation or that something bad had happened to you!”  He smiled and said: “It is neither of the two, but my grandson climbed on my back and I disliked shortening his enjoyment.”[2]

Another step for a ‘happy’ home is to have both parents equally involved in raising the children. Too often we witness one of the two parents becoming more involved, while the other becomes distant. A child brought up with the love and affection from both parents would prosper far greatly on a mental, psychological level than one that only has one parent.

Study Time


A home without proper knowledge of Islam is a home of hopelessness and misguidance. Studying the deen will help guide and nurture children to become upright Muslims. This ‘study time’ should include teachings from the Quran, Sunnah and stories of the Pious Predecessors.

If the parents are not well versed in reading the Quran, they should register them in a Quran class in a local Mosque. If the parents are lucky to find one in their area, they shouldn’t stop there; this is only a beginning. The family as a whole should continuously strive to study Islam together. Due to the presence of many resources today, this shouldn’t pose as a problem. There are many websites such as (newmuslims.com) that give important, fundamental teachings of Islam in an easy, direct manner.

It is important that the parents do set aside a portion of time, every week, wherein the family gets together and learns together. This would help to solidify the family unit. Children would not feel they are ‘burdened’ in the learning process, as adults are taking part in the process.

Due to the many distractions in our society, teaching methods should be made interesting. Parents should diversify and teach in a fun manner; be it through game or by giving prizes to the one who is able to achieve the most. 

Parents always aspire to have their children become better than themselves. This attitude is a very good one, but should not lead the parents to become over-demanding. Consistency is the key to success.

Listen to your Children


In a Western society, it is absolutely imperative to have an open line of communication with your children. Children need to be heard and understood and parents need to view what they say without becoming judgmental.

If children feel safe to open up to their parents when they have problems, if they feel ‘welcome’ to ask questions when they are in doubt, this would strengthen the bond between parents and their children, it will also distance negative influences that may impact the child at this critical stage of growth.

Many parents speak to their children, but forget to listen, leaving their children to their own devices and forcing them to make their own decisions when they need guidance. The more you involve your children at home, the less likely it is that they will go down the wrong path, InshaAllah. 

Listening to your children is a very important tool at the disposal of the parents; it serves as a ‘reality check’ for children are a mirror of their parents’ behaviour.

One of the best ways to cement this relationship between children and parents is through the biography of the Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him. Stories can be read before bedtime and the children can be asked what they liked most about the story. They can also be asked to implement basic lessons from the stories in their own lives. They will be able to make better decisions for themselves, stand up against wrong-doings, and will also be able to express themselves effectively.

Find Good Company


Parenting2.jpgHaving good friends is imperative in building a strong family.  The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

“A person would be influenced by his companions, so let one be watchful as to whom they accompany.”[1]

This is true for both parents and children.  Children are easily influenced by those who surround them; if the parents keep good company, it will encourage the children to do likewise.  In the West, this is absolutely imperative, as one’s friends may be very anti-Islamic in their ideology and behaviour, so it should be clear to the parents that keeping good company and avoiding bad company will help their children in distinguishing between what is permissible from what is not.  It will help children understand that though there are those who drink alcohol or do unlawful things, these are not good things to do and there are lawful alternatives.

Parents should be active in choosing the best companions and friends for their children.  If the children wants to bring their friends home, it would be wise to allow this, so that the parents can see who they are and become actively involved with their children.   

Supplications to Allah


Allah, the Exalted, says:

“…Call on Me, and I will answer your prayers…” (Quran 40:60)

Asking Allah to grant success to one’s children is the greatest thing a parent can do for their kids.  The parents’ du’a is accepted by Allah, the Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

“Three du’as are accepted by Allah, without a doubt, the du’a of one who is wronged, the du’a of one who is travelling and the du’a of a parent for their children.”[2]

So far we discussed key points that should be in the mind of every parent.  Now we will be discussing a step that is as important, but is a step that precedes having a family. 

Choosing a Spouse


This is the most important step towards having a successful family in the West.  The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

“Choose the best spouse to start your family.”[3]

The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, went further to explain who the ‘best’ spouse was.  He explained that the best spouse is one who is religiously motivated and possess a good character.   He said:

“Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment.  Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”[4]

From these two texts, it is clear that a Muslim should choose a good spouse; this goes for both men and women. 

If a choice is made simply on account of worldly matters, that relationship will not be fruitful in terms of raising a good family. 

Both husband and wife must look beyond the initial stage of marriage to what is to come; the family.  How will the environment that is being created through this bond of marriage be conducive in raising a good family? This is a very important question that must be answered.  In a properly functioning relationship, both spouses work together to raise a good Muslim family.  It is a great responsibility; one that the Prophet clearly indicated through his words, he said:

“Everyone of you is responsible for those under his care.  A leader of a nation is responsible for those under his care; a man is responsible for his family; a woman is responsible for those under her care.”[5]

There are many basic mannerisms that are important for both spouses at the beginning of their relationship; when they are implemented, it would ensure for them a good start in their lives.  One such mannerism is that the Prophet told us that a husband should put his hand on the forehead of his bride and say:

“O Allah I ask you for her goodness and the goodness that is within her nature and I seek refuge with you from her evil and the evil of her nature.”[6]

There are many other basic mannerisms that both husband and wife should learn and uphold.

Children


After the critical stage of choosing a good spouse, both husband and wife should work on upholding the mannerisms mentioned within the Sunnah in rearing a family. 

The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

“Indeed you shall be called on the Day of Resurrection by your names and the names of your fathers, so choose (for your children) good names.”[7]

Today, some of the names that are given to our children are atrocious!  At times, parents would choose names that are held by non-Muslim celebrities, or they would search in their culture to choose odd ‘unique’ names that have a cultural root. 

Names given to an individual have a profound effect on their upbringing; a name that has a bad meaning or a negative one should be avoided.  The Prophet gave us very clear instructions on how to choose names.  The Prophet demonstrated this; once one of his companions, Zaid al-Khail, was renamed by him to Zaid al-Khair; Khail means horses whereas Khair means goodness.  He also actively instructed his companions to avoid using names that held odd meanings.  This advice is very important, especially with the rise of the issue of bullying in schools.  If a good name is chosen, this would safeguard the child from that negative factor they may go through at school. 

The Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, directed us saying:

“The most beloved names to Allah are Abdullah and Abdur-Rahman.”[8]

Abdullah means the ‘Slave of Allah’ and Abdur-Rahman means the ‘Slave of the Most-Beneficent’.   

Don’t Forget the Little Things


Every stage of growth children go through should be monitored closely by the parents; they should teach them the necessary skills as they progress.  For example, when children are younger, the proper etiquette and mannerisms should be instilled in their children.  Later on, they can be taught the reason they should behave in a certain manner.  Stories told at this stage are rarely forgotten. 

A child should also be urged to memorize the dua and the Qur’an.  If they are brought up with these ‘little things’, they will surely be able to progress forward in their lives in a most wholesome manner.