Meeting a Potential Husband, What to Do?
17 June, 2021
QMy friend is about to meet a prospective man who is proposing, she is nervous and seeking help on what to do or ask or focus on. Also she talks a lot, which worries her because she doesn't want to keep talking aimlessly. What is the advice I should give her?
ANSWER
Dina Mohamed Basiony
17 June, 2021
Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you so much for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.
Our Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) has truly guided us to what’s best and what we should focus on in those specific situations.
He (peace and blessings upon him) said:
“If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then marry (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him.” [Sunan ibn Majah. Chapters on Marriage]
Focus on Deen
Find a Gardener for Your Soul
Find a Gardener for Your Soul
So, what we need to focus on here is the character and religious commitment of the prospective husband.
With regards to his character, to further know about it, your mahaarem (male guardians) could do a bit of research and inquire about the gentleman among his peers, work mates, family members, neighbors,and basically in the settings that really show one’s true character.
They will be able then to get a good sense of the gentleman’s reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, and manners…etc. which are important and rather vital criteria for choosing the man you’ll live under the same roof with.
But truly advise your friend that the most important thing is to ask about that person’s deen (religious commitment). If he fears Allah and is mindful of Him, he will never harm her and he will honor her all their lives.
The Best of Men
A true religious man knows the hadith of the noble messenger:
“The best of you is the one who is best to his wife.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
He will know that it is a religious duty and a religious obligation to be kind, noble, and carry the best manners towards one’s wife. It is a responsibility of the man before Allah (Glorified and Exalted), and he who knows that shall always work on honoring his wife and being patient with her under all circumstances no matters how life goes.
So your friend needs to be wise in asking about the person’s relationship with Allah Almighty; does he really love Him and fear Him and is committed to Him and is prioritizing His Pleasure over personal whims, desires and weaknesses…?
This is truly important to ask; this is the foundation upon which you can build any good and pure life. Allah is The Only Constant. Beauty comes and goes, love comes and goes, so do health, money…etc. But Allah is The Constant, The Eternal, and if the spouses are united by Him and for Him, they’ll be able to endure all what life throws at them graciously and be united for eternity, if Allah wills.
Allah described marriage in His words in the Quran saying:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (Quran 30: 21)
Meeting a Potential Husband, What to Do
Marriage itself is a journey of spiritual, emotional, personal and intellectual growth and elevation.
It is a sign, as Allah Almighty says, and a sign leads to a destination. He said this relationship is one of His signs.
Husband in Jannah
Thinking Well of God
Thinking Well of God
How can marriage lead to Allah Almighty?
When we experience mercy, we get reminded that Allah’s name/attribute is The Most Merciful, The Source of Mercy. When we experience deep love (wud in Arabic), we remember that His name is Al Wadud, The Source of Ultimate Love.
There are so many experiences we go through and they are a reflection of His Presence and His Connection… And when we love our partners, we also fall deeply in love and gratitude towards The One Who created them…
So let her remember that, and remember that this man shall also be her husband in Jannah. So, she needs to ask herself if this is the man who will be able to take her hands to Jannah.
She shall also ask about his relationship with the Quran. This Book of true guidance builds characters, disciplines characters and softens hearts like no other thing in this world.
She should ask if he intends to continue seeking knowledge of the deen and accompany her in this journey of gaining knowledge… this shall truly increase the bond between them and create a major common ground that never breaks.
This happens when they work on strengthening the foundations of their deen and growing towards the love of Allah together…
She can also ask him clearly and straightforwardly about what he really needs in a wife. He can take time to sincerely ask himself that question and work on his intention.
This brings us to one of the most major points here for your friend: her intention!
She shall sincerely ask herself, what is the intention from this marriage? If the intention is good and pure and for the sake of Allah, then He Almighty will surely descend His Ease and barakah (blessings) upon them both and guide and protect them throughout their lives. So purify the intention and be faithful towards Allah Almighty, He is Our Destination and Our Aid and Protector.
The more she focuses on those deep issues of the deen, the better, insha’Allah.
Istikharah: How to Read the Answer?
Istikharah: How to Read the Answer?
And tell her that she should feel true poverty towards Allah Almighty… we are always in dire need for Him and His Guidance… when the Ease and Blessings of Allah descend upon something, it completely transforms it. She should seek that from Allah.
Istikharah
Let her pray istikhara (prayer of seeking guidance) quite frequently and seek Allah’s Help. Ask Allah for someone who loves Him and fears Him. At the end, no matter what we do, Allah is The Only One who knows the future and sees the future and the unseen… so ask Him earnestly:
Meeting a Potential Husband, What to Do
“If this man has goodness for her in her life, deen and final abode, that Allah facilitates this matter and expands her chest towards it. If not, then may Allah take this away from her and grant her what’s better and what’s best in this life and the next.”
And if she talks a lot then she should NOT stay for long. It is only something done briefly within the limits of Allah, they’re not there to hang out. Just tell her to ask Allah to give her clarity about his deen and taqwa (God-consciousness).
Keep it sincere, serious and straightforward, and so long as you meet upon Allah, then Allah will take care of both of you. Isn’t He The Most Knowing, The Protector?
Lastly, my advice to any sister of mine is always to fear Allah and fix your own neyya (intention). Let the gentleman know that you are seeking Allah and seeking in your life, and that Allah is your Wali (Guardian, Protecting Friend) and his Wali too, and He shall always be Al Hakam (The Judge) between the two of you.
May Allah honor and protect all our brothers and sisters and guide them to what’s best and pleasing to Him and to their hearts in this life and the next.
“…Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (Quran 25:74)
Why Do Single Men Have Endless Demands in a Potential Wife?
Sadaf Farooqi
17 June, 2021
“Not more than 32.” “I don’t feel any inclination to marry a girl over 30.”
“She should be a good cook.”
“Is she pretty? Is she thin? Is she fair?”
“We won’t mind if she works and contributes to the household budget.”
“What is her height?”
“She should have done O & A levels, because they provide a solid educational background.”
“Can she drive a car?”
“She should have a degree from a good university.”
The list is seemingly endless. It’s no secret that, when it comes to seeking a wife, the older the bachelor, the more ‘requirements’ he has.
When one hears such questions and demands from the family members of a “young” gentleman who is looking to get married, one might naively assume that he is what is known contemporarily as ‘an alpha’ male: a highly eligible bachelor still in his twenties, who possesses all the traits that any girl could possibly want in a prospective husband.
His long list of demands and requirements for his future wife, particularly in the youth and beauty department, make it appear as if he is devoid of any major physical flaws or personal shortcomings himself.
Else, why would he be seeking an alpha girl to become his wife? – Someone very young, pretty, skinny but healthy, tall, fertile, righteous, shy, chaste, highly educated, and belonging to a high-ranking, honorable, and well-established family. Who will not only bear and conscientiously raise many children, but also hold down a well-paying job and manage her home simultaneously, and stick by her husband’s side through thick and thin, no matter what happens.
However, more often than not, after the preliminary negotiations and basic information exchanges are carried out via the first phone call, families of single young women are in for a rude shock when they actually meet the picky ‘young’ bachelor gentleman in question who desires such an alpha wife for himself.
Half bald and portly, with a bulging belly and prominent double chin; middle-aged, i.e. in his late thirties or early forties, stuck at mid-managerial level in his company since years, still living with his parents and four other siblings in an apartment or small villa, stuttering self-consciously as he talks (if he is allowed to talk at all by his controlling parents), as the girl’s parents probe further, they may also find out that he is also divorced, and/or the father of a child.
However, such revelations are only reserved for those parents of girls who are brave enough to dare and pick up the end of the carpet to look at what has been brushed conveniently underneath.
Most such eligible bachelors do not enjoy entertaining any questions about their own character, family background, history, educational qualifications, or career, when it comes to marriage negotiations.
Any hint of excess probing by the girl’s family, and he is out their door, off to examine the next specimen under his radar.
Why Do Single Men Have Endless Demands in a Potential Wife? - About Islam
Delusions harbored by aging single men
The question is, why?
Why do we, as a society, allow our single men to become picky and choosy about their wives?
As far as the marriage process is concerned, why do we allow girls to be treated like a commodity that is bartered in the marketplace, with their physical traits, achievements, and other characteristics displayed and discussed with others like an item being offered on a menu card, catalogue, or registry, reducing her worth to a consumer product that is available for purchase?
Single men consider it their God-given right to be picky about the traits of their future wives, especially regarding her youth and beauty.
They are passively allowed by everyone in their family to list out their ‘requirements’ for wife, whereas most family elders are more than well aware, due to their own years of marital experience, that most of these requirements do not contribute to the long term happiness of a marriage.
I think the most pivotal reason behind the demands meted out by older single men when they go around looking for a girl to marry, is that they are brought up to believe that they can get whatever they want simply because they are male, and hence, in a ‘natural’ position of authority to issue dictates and make all decisions regarding their lives.
The older they get, the more rigid they tend to become about the traits of their desired wife, despite a dwindling of available options.
Such men are the young boys of yesteryear, who were subtly brought up to believe that since they are the ones pursuing a wife, they can demand whatever they wish as they move around perusing what is available, much like a high-maintenance customer tries on (and rejects) multiple ready-to-wear outfits or shoes at a swanky designer-label outlet.
The mindset is, “I am the one who’ll be dishing out the moolah and occupying the position of authority in this marriage, and I have many available to choose from. Hence, I will be picky about what I want. I don’t like this one either. Next, please.”
They forget that, unlike the rejected pile of clothes at the store, the girls they go around “looking at”, have self-esteem, self-respect, feelings, desires, and dreams of their own.
Women should talk sense into their single mahrams
Every demanding, picky and hard-to-please single man out there who has a penchant for rejecting girls on flimsy pretexts when searching for a wife, was probably raised by an older woman or two as his mentor when he was a child viz. his mother, grandmother, aunt, or older sister. Every such man still has several mahram women in his family who definitely exert some degree of influence over his thinking, mentality, attitude towards women, and beliefs about married life.
It is sad to see women shift gears and go into a different mode of attitude when they are out looking for wives for their sons or brothers. Why do they resort to the same behavior that they would have found offensive or demeaning, when they were receiving proposals themselves as young, single girls?
Why do they stand by mutely and passively allow their son/brother to demean their own gender? Aren’t women supposed to be one sisterhood, defending each other’s status and rights?
Shouldn’t we, as the mothers and sisters of men who are looking to get married, mete out the same respectful attitude towards the daughters and sisters of other people, which we would want bachelors and their families to show to us, when we, our daughters, or our sisters receive marriage proposals?
Conclusion: Start work on boys’ mindsets during childhood
Whilst looking for a wife, a man listens keenly to earnest and sincere advice from his mother, sisters, aunts and grandmothers about who to go for. If not at first, then eventually. Their say counts.
Further, the tarbiyah i.e. the character building and moral training of all young men starts early, during their childhood, when a mother starts to teach and guide her son about how to behave towards girls and women.
Whatever she allows him to do towards herself and his sisters, and whatever she doesn’tallow (by drawing a strict line), goes a long way in determining what and how he will behave towards all other women when he becomes a man.
In order to one day have a marriage proposal process in place that is more inclusive of girls and women of all ages, sizes, complexions, lineages and educational backgrounds, us women, as mothers, have to start working for change at the grassroots level.
Let our sons embody the change (in single) men that we want to see one day.
