Three Marriage Tips for New Muslim Sisters
Today I would like to discuss three pitfalls revert Muslims encounter in seeking to marry.
Three Marriage Tips for New Muslim Sisters - About Islam
10 Tips for Revert Brothers Seeking Marriage
It is, unfortunately, a statistical fact that a very high percentage of reverts, especially revert sisters, end up getting divorced at some point.
No one enters a marriage to be divorced. Unfortunately, a high percentage of revert marriages end in divorce.
To hopefully avoid such an unfortunate circumstance, let’s review three of Ustadha Amina Blake’s tips for revert marriage.
1. Take Your Time to Find a Spouse
Immediately after making shahada, reverts face an onslaught of well-meaning brothers and sisters imploring: Now, you have to complete the other half of your deen! You must get married! – this is when you should slam on the breaks; and hard.
How can anyone expect that your first steps as a new Muslim should be jumping into marriage?!? One of the most important things you need to be doing is establishing your deen – growing in your knowledge and practice of your newfound faith.
As a new Muslim, insha’Allah, you will grow and learn so much in the first year or two, evolving into the established Muslim Allah Almighty intended you to be.
And through this journey, your expectations and goals will change.
When I first became Muslim, my idea of a good Muslim man was somebody who looked like a Muslim and said masha’Allah a lot!
That was all I had to go on! I was a new Muslim who didn’t know any better!
But as we grow into practicing Muslims, we learn that there is more to being Muslim than what another Muslim wears on their body or face.
In short, do not rush into marriage. Do not get married just because you became Muslim or because anyone is pushing you to marry.
Before Entering into an Intercultural Marriage
Before Entering into an Intercultural Marriage
It is 100% your right to say no, thank-you.
2. Avoid the Unsuitable Spouse
Whether a person is Muslim or not, people choose to marry someone with whom they are incompatible.
We have to start looking beyond the basic appearance of faces, smiles, eyes, hair, height, weight, accents, ethnicity, or bank accounts.
We also have to look beyond the use of sprinkled terms, such as “Masha’Allah” and “Al-hamdulillah.”
These factors alone do not necessarily make two people compatible with one another.
Even if a potential spouse appears to be a practicing Muslim, that person can still be the wrong one for you.
One of the most overlooked aspects of seeking a partner in a Muslim marriage is making sure that you are culturally compatible.
That does not necessarily mean you have to marry somebody with the same cultural background as yours. However, it is undeniably significant that you and your spouse can co-exist on common ground.
Why? Because, when that honeymoon period is over, and you discover that your expectations of one another do not match, serious problems – or even a breakdown of the marriage – become inevitable.
So, to my sisters – because I recognize that this happens a lot – do not rush or allow yourself to be pressured into marriage before you are fully ready. And do not hesitate to trust your God-given instinct for detecting red flags.
And, not to offend our brothers, but the majority of men brought-up in traditional Muslim families – were raised as princes. The expectation of what these men are looking for in marriage will mirror what they know. From food to housekeeping and child-rearing, the expectations and pressure will leave little room for a sister to exercise or grow into her style or habits.
So, be forewarned. If your expectations are at the opposite end of the spectrum from your spouse, you will run into problems that can lead to divorce.
Above all – value yourself. Do not race into marrying the first person who comes along and flutters their eyelids at you. Take time to get to know the person, ask the right questions, and get your wali involved.
New Muslimah - 5 Things to Consider Before Marriage
Converts - 5 Things to Consider Before Marriage
3. The Contract and the Safeguards
A. The Wali
Your wali should not be some guy pulled in off the street. Neither should your marriage be with two random witnesses.
A wali is someone acting as a guardian – the person a wife should be able to turn to when problems arise – who will help guide, mediate solutions.
For brothers: make sure you and your family get to know the sister’s family. When possible, include non-Muslim family members in the conversation. They will want to be involved and will feel honored to be included on the journey to finding your ideal marriage and life partner.
B. The Contract (Nikah)
In Islam, marriage is a legal contract between a man and a woman. Both the bride and groom consent to marriage with free will. A formal, binding marriage contract (verbal and/or on paper) is considered integral to a religiously valid Islamic marriage and outlines the rights and responsibilities of the groom and bride.
Sisters, you have the right to a mahr – or dowry. Why are you selling yourselves short? A man must value you when he gets married to you. Too often, sisters agree to a mahr in some minuscule amount saying, “Well, I don’t want anything, just teach me a verse of the Quran.”
You are not dealing with the companions here! You are dealing with people that may not have the best intentions – one of the biggest pitfalls revert sisters encounter.
So, when you are determining the amount of your rightful mahr, ask for something significant. The mahr does not have to be something out of reach. However, the mahr, by intention, is something for a sister to fall back on if the marriage deteriorates. And make sure the mahr is in your hand at the nikah rather than some randomly postponed date that you may never see.
Finally, let us revisit our expectations. Before your nikah, sit down and make a list of things that you expect from your marriage.
Sisters, here are some items to include in your marriage contract:
1. If your spouse wants you to relocate, and you do not want to, the marriage contract can state a solution to the problem.
2. If there is a lifestyle you are accustomed to living, for example, if you want to work, put it in the contract.
3. Sometimes, a sister can feel trapped in a marriage she needs to get out of, as in the case of irreconcilable differences or domestic abuse. But most sisters have never heard of the “tafwid” clause – where the husband permits a wife to divorce him at any time she feels the need to – which can be part of the contract.
The tafwid clause will prevent the husband from being able to hold you in the marriage. Alternatively, the sister would have to go through shariah councils to get the marriage dissolved by khul.
Sisters, safeguard yourselves from the start by adding the right of tafwid to your marriage contract; if a brother denies this right to you; that is a red flag. He should accept your request as a right given to the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) by Allah the Almighty in the Quran.
May Allah bless you and bless your spouses. And if you are hoping to marry, may Allah the Almighty bless you with a compatible spouse and a life-long marriage.
A MUST READ! Marriage and the New Muslim Sister
Al-hamdulillah, you are a new Muslimah!
It often seems that the first words you hear from other Muslims after you've taken your shahada is, "Are
you married?" Many, many new sisters report that they feel frustrated with the intense attention paid to
their marital status. Often you will hear things like, "Marriage is half your deen," "It is the Sunnah," "You
must help keep the brothers from committing unlawful sexual intercourse," and "That's what Muslim
women do."
Slam on the Breaks! Wait a Minute!
It is true that marriage and family life are important, the building blocks of the Islamic community.
However, I think it is unfair for people to expect new sisters to turn around and get married right away. As
a new Muslimah, you are going to find pressure from your family, friends, and co-workers, and you will find
yourself stumbling through a new culture and lifestyle. In a way, it's like being a baby, having to learn
everything over again, and there will be a lot of frustration.
Although you may be eager to run out and get married right away, I have to ask you to check yourself, and
really think deeply about how well you can handle a commitment like marriage, when you've just made
your first step in making a commitment to Allah ta'ala. If the brother is on some sort of deviancy, or isn't
really practicing, or treats you in a horribly cruel manner, this will only serve to drive you away from Islam
before you have had the opportunity to really study it. Staying single within the Muslim community for a
little while will also afford you the opportunity to observe married couples, get to know other sisters, and
observe the conduct of men within your community. It will also give you time to build up a reputation
according to your Islamic practices, and not the fact that you're just the latest news.
Marriage in Islam: An Overview of Rights
As you may know, courtship and marriage are conducted in a radically different manner than you may be
used to. No more dating, no more holding hands, no more going out for dinner, or hanging out at each
other's house. Obviously, there is no pre-marital intimacy allowed. This doesn't mean that you don't
choose your spouse [that's right, you still get to choose...] for reasons other than pleasant companionship,
similar interests, and similar mannerisms. What it means is that you get to know each other, often in a
short period of time, through chaperoned meetings, phone calls, and letters, rather than just "hanging
out."
In Islam, marriage is looked at as a partnership [despite outside opinions to the contrary], and it is the
foundation upon which an Islamic society is built. And yes, Islam holds a "traditional" view of the
male/female dynamic within that marriage. Each spouse has certain rights over the other, and each spouse
has certain responsibilities towards the other.
Responsibilities incumbent upon both spouses include, foremost, that mutual respect and appreciation is
present in the most everyday and mundane dealings. Rigid rules of behavior and unrealistic expectations
only serve to undermine the position of both spouses. Secondly, each spouse is responsible for their own
diyn, or religion. You can't blame your husband's laziness for you not making morning prayers. Likewise, he
can't blame your cooking (which is probably superb!) for his going out and eating or drinking haram foods.
Responsibilities of the Husband
The dowry (mahr):
This is his absolute obligation and your absolute right under Islamic law. The man MUST offer a dowry of
some sort, although you do have the right to waive the mahr. The marriage is not valid without a mahr
being stipulated and either waived or agreed upon in the contract. The purpose of the mahr is to safeguard
the economic status of the woman in the event that she is divorced or widowed, or the husband loses
work. The husband must comply with the wedding contract in the amount of the mahr, whether it is real
estate, money, jewels, or something else.
Nowadays, many women specify that they would like a car, computer, or capital to start their own
business. The mahr can be paid immediately before the marriage, or deferred until later after the marriage.
If the husband later makes it clear that he has no intention of paying the mahr, the marriage is invalidated
and the husband is deemed to have committed a great sin. If you divorce before the marriage is
consummated, then half the dower is due to you (2:237), and you have the right to remit that also. Once
the marriage is consummated, the husband has no right whatsoever to ask for any portion of the mahr.
Too many American sisters waive their rights to a mahr, or accept "tokens" as their dowry. While this is
fine for those who are really, truly in love [for instance, those who have known their spouse-to-be for many
years], the fact is, the ignorance of many new Muslim women on the subject of mahr has made them
unwitting targets of men who are reluctant to fulfill this duty. The dowry isn't a "nicey nice" gesture, it is
part of your economic safeguard should your husband die, or divorce you, or lose work. The scholars of
Islam have generally said that a year's maintenance is an acceptable dowry. American Muslimahs are
known for their willingness to accept extremely small dowries ($10) or token dowries (a set of hadith
translations, a few nice dresses) which the husband would most likely provide after marriage anyway. [For
instance, it is his obligation to provide you with clothing, not his favor.]
Jeffrey Lang*, in his book Struggling to Surrender*, mentions:
"Interestingly, I am often asked by young foreign Muslim men if I know any American Muslim women who
are interested in getting married. When I advise them that it may be easier to find someone in their home
country, I am frequently told that American women ask for much smaller dowries. Personally, I am not
comfortable with introducing my friends to men who wish to take advantage of their unfamiliarity with this
institution."
http://www.muslimedia.com/ARCHIVES/book99/usislambk.htmhttp://www.biblio.com/isbn/0915957264.html
Maintaining the Household:
This means he is responsible for all (that's right, all) household expenses. This is obligatory on him. The wife
is not obliged to provide anything of her needs, no matter how rich or poor she is. The husband must
provide for her clothing appropriate for each season, food, and shelter. The obligation of maintenance is a
must upon the husband even if the wife and he are living in separate quarters (the wife living separately
with his consent-- say for instance, one goes overseas for school).
Residence:
The husband must at least provide for the wife a home where no other relatives reside. It is her right to
agree to live with his family members and waive the right to private residence. If this is the case, he should
provide her with a private area which is accessible to her only, where she can keep her personal
belongings.
Overseeing the Islamic education of the wife and the children:
In Islam, the husband is the head of the family, and is responsible for ensuring that both his wife and his
children have access to appropriate Islamic educational materials. This means ensuring that his wife has
access to Qur'an, Tasfir (exegis, explanatory commentary of Qur'an), hadith, scholarly texts, halaqas,
whatever. Usually, it is the wife and mother who becomes the children's main educator and it is in
everyone's best interests for the husband to uphold this responsibility with rigor.
Conjugal Relations:
The wife is entitled to sexual relations at least once every four nights (since this is as many wives as he can
have), and / or enough to keep her from falling into any type of haram behavior. It is also expected that the
man satisfy the wife to the degree where she is not tempted to commit zina, or adultery. It is absolutely
forbidden for him to expect her to have sex in the presence of a cognizant third party (such as other
adults).
A wife should expect that her husband will approach her gently and with concern for her feelings also. The
Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) told his Companions not to approach their wives like a camel
approaches a she-camel (that is, without any intimate and affectionate behaviors beforehand).
There are other hadith where the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) advises them to joke and cuddle
with their wives, and to make sure that she receives her pleasures as well. For more on intimate marital
relations, please read "The Muslim Marriage Guide" by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood. (Links provided in last
paragraph under "Final Word".)
Justice:
The husband must abstain from using -- rather, abusing -- his rights in a cruel or unjust manner. Kindness to
wives is repeated throughout the Qur'an and the Hadith.
Responsibilities of the Wife
Conjugal Relations:
The first and foremost responsibility of a wife towards her husband is his right to enjoy conjugal relations
with his wife. It is obligatory for you to "go to your husband" when he asks you if you are at home, can
physically endure it (i.e., you're not ill or injured), and have received your mahr. It is absolutely forbidden
for a man to have intercourse with his wife during her menses (although other intimacies are allowed),
during post-natal bleeding, or during daylight hours in the month of Ramadan. Anal sex is also forbidden,
and you are not obligated to participate in this practice. If the husband permits the wife to engage in
voluntary fasting throughout the year, then he has waived his right to have sex with her during the daylight
hours of the day that she is fasting.
Guarding the Rights of the Husband:
In his absence, you are obligated to protect both your chastity, his children (be they yours or not), his
secrets, and his property. It is better not to let people into the house without his knowledge or permission,
or to let people into the house whom he dislikes. [For instance, the plumber comes over and he doesn't
know about it.] In this day and age, this is also a practical safety measure for yourself.
Management of the Household:
The wife should keep the home, meaning preparing the meals, cleaning and decorating the home,
managing the household budget, and taking the primary responsibility of rearing the children. Although it
is usually agreed that the wife isn't Islamically obligated to cook or clean, at this point in time most men are
simply unable to afford hiring a housekeeper. Doing these things while not being obligated to is certainly a
kindness that a wife can hope to receive reward for if she performs it for the sake of Allah.
Obedience to the Husband:
This is often one of the most misunderstood aspects of married life in Islam. Obedience to your husband
does not mean that you wait on him hand and foot, or that you curtsey to him and never turn your back to
him. He's your husband, not the emperor. In an Islamic marriage, obedience to your husband concerns two
matters: (1) that you comply with him when he desires marital relations which are within the boundaries of
the Qur'an and Sunnah (see above), (2) that you comply with him on Islamic matters if his opinion is not
one which is deviant or outright un Islamic. One reason that Muslim women can not marry non Muslim
men is because of this obedience, and the nature of the husband's responsibility of being in charge his
family's Islamic education. In Islam, the man is responsible for seeing to it that the family is adhering to
Islam, especially the children. A non Muslim man can not only not take on this massive responsibility, but
he is pre-disposed, by the very nature of his being a non Muslim, to fight against it, whether he consciously
admits that or not.
Nushuz, or rebellion, of the wife towards the husband is a very serious thing, and is a cause for divorce,
although the man is advised to go through certain steps before seeking a divorce. The most common types
of nushuz are the refusal of a wife to go to her husband's bed, apostasy (leaving Islam), and adultery.
Nushuz does not mean that you cooked macaroni and cheese when he asked for chicken and broccoli.
Admonition (i.e. encouraging the wife to repent, and to return to Allah ta'ala) is the first step the husband
is required to take in dealing with nushuz. Refusing the bed or marital relations [cold shoulder] is the
second. If the wife has actually committed some form of gross rebellion (i.e. adultery) it is lawful for the
man to lightly and symbolically (ie, with a toothbrush) strike her, but not to bruise, break bones, wound, or
strike her in the face, after he has taken the above steps over an unspecified amount of time (ie, he doesn't
take all of these steps in one hour, one day, or two days). He may only do this if he thinks that such a light
strike will encourage her to return to the Straight Path, and after he has exhausted the other steps. Above
all, the husband should follow the example (Sunnah) of the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam), who
never raised his hand against a woman.
How to Go About Getting Married in Islam
According to most scholars of Islam*, no unmarried woman can draw up her own contract under Islam,
whether she is a virgin or not, never married, or divorced / widowed. The resulting marriage would not
Islamically valid without a wali, or guardian for the woman. The guardianship is a fact of life, and the key
isn't to view it as some burden on your path to wedded bliss, but as a protection and resource for you to
take advantage of. (*The exception to this is scholars of the Hanafi school of law, where the presence of a
wali is not strictly necessary for contracting every valid marriage. Don't get married without consulting a
knowledgeable Imam or scholar).
The guardian must be: male, legally responsible, Muslim, upright in character, and of sound judgment. The
guardian may not be a woman, a child, an insane person, a non Muslim, or a corrupt person. Also invalid is
the one whose judgment has been affected by old age or disease, or someone who suffers from a severe
illness or physical ailment that would keep him from being fully responsible for the woman.
As converts, your parents are [most likely] not Muslim, and this probably goes for your brothers and uncles
as well. Thus, the guardianship falls upon the local Islamic authority, in this case, the local Imam or Alim. He
may either act as the wali himself or appoint a knowledgeable and upstanding person within the
community to discharge the duty.
I can't stress the importance of the fact that you should be actively involved in choosing your wali. Don't let
an imam you barely know appoint a man you don't know to be in charge of your future. Get to know the
wives in the community, as they can often tell you who would make a responsible wali. When you do have
a wali, make sure that you get to know him and his wife. Make sure that they know all of your
requirements for a spouse, as well as your likes and dislikes, your personality and taste. Choose someone
whom you feel will be concerned for your wellbeing -- there are too many tales of walis marrying women
off to their buddies, or the first person who asks, without regards to either person's status, diyn (religious
life), or personality.
As an independent American or Canadian woman, who is used to being able to make her own choices, go
wherever she pleases, talk with whom she wishes, the issue of guardianship may be a hard one to come to
terms with initially. But the fact of the matter is that not only will your marriage be Islamically invalid
without a guardian, it is also an advantage for you to have one who is "on your side." The wali is the person
that all brothers interested in marrying you MUST contact. This means you don't have to worry about
awkward situations, and "letting him down easy," the wali does it for you. You certainly know by now that
you simply do not have access to the social world of Muslim brothers... but your wali does. He is the one
who knows how a brother seeking your hand relates to other men, how he is viewed by other men in his
religious, social, and financial dealings. He is able to "get to know" any man interested in you, and compare
your personalities and preferences.
It is also important, when considering marriage to a foreign born man, to have a wali. I have heard too
many stories of new shahadas unknowingly duped into fraudulent marriages by brothers who have told
them they don't need a wali, or that his brother can be her wali, etc. In this day and age when green card
marriages are a reality (a very ugly one), having someone "on your side" is terribly important. The wali is
required to check the brother out completely, and this includes dealing with people in other countries who
would not be so receptive to you calling them up on the phone. He is required to make sure that the
brother isn't hiding a wife and children somewhere while he "gets his g.c." The wali may also be a gobetween for you and the in-laws. Which brings us to the next topic...
The Green Card Marriage
No matter how much we try to have an ideal view of Muslims and their behavior, the fact of the matter is,
there are men out there who deliberately seek out American converts to Islam in order to enjoy the
benefits of your birthright--- citizenship. (I do not know if this situation is the same in Canada or other
Western countries). The Green Card Marriage is a very real thing, and a very real threat to the woman.
Most born citizens are ignorant about immigration laws and visas, and are often easily duped into
fraudulent marriages. Know that I am not a lawyer, and am offering the following advice based on talking
to other sisters, and researching immigration law myself. If you are going to marry someone who does not
already have a green card, you should consult a reputable immigration attorney. It is money well spent.
(See "Finding Free Legal Assistance"*). http://uscis.gov/graphics/lawsregs/advice.htm
In past years, it was relatively "easy" for two people to get married for the sake of the G.C. However, even
before the post-September 11th laws restricting immigration, Congress had enacted more rigorous rules
for those married to non-citizens. Green card marriages are no longer an easy thing to get away with,
something to romanticize in Hollywood movies.
Do not think that you can marry a man just to help him secure a green card and get away with it.
Breaking the laws of the country you live in is a grave sin in Islam, as is fraud. Even if you do not have to
answer to the INS (See Announcement about transition of INS to Department of Homeland Security*
(http://uscis.gov/graphics/othergov/roadmap.htm) (INS now known as USCIS*
(http://uscis.gov/graphics/index.htm) or U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services; Toll Free Number: 1-
800-375-5283) and the Department of Justice for your fraud, you will have to answer to Allah subhannahu
wa ta'ala. The INS and Department of Justice have clamped down on these sorts of fraudulent marriages,
and the penalties for both spouses are severe. Conversely, if a man thinks that he can marry you just for a
green card, without letting you know if this intention, he is seriously mistaken if he thinks that it will be
easy.
The INS requires that marriages of a citizen (or permanent resident) to a non resident alien (those without
green cards) last for a period of about five years. The non resident alien spouse (that's him) usually
receives his working papers after 90 days (if he was here illegally), and a conditional green card within 18
mos to 2 years. The condition is that you must remain married for a period of 2 or 3 years AFTER he
receives this green card. If you divorce or separate during this time, the INS is free to revoke his
permanent residency and deport him.
During this five year period, you must demonstrate to the INS that you are maintaining a shared residence
(you live together), joint bank accounts, and filing joint tax returns. If your spouse does not have legal
working papers (ie, he is an illegal immigrant or his visa does not allow him to work), you must
demonstrate that you are able to support him until he obtains legal work authorization. If the INS has
doubts about the validity of your marriage, you can expect them to visit your home and your workplace,
and to ask questions of your neighbors, family members, and co-workers. This means that unless your
marriage is real, you either have to put up a really good front for five years or you have to involve quite a
lot of people in your deception.
Finally, know this. Most men pay American women anywhere from $3,000 to $6,000 for a green card
marriage. Considering the fact that you are now unable to marry anyone else for a period of five years
(hope you don't meet Mr. Right), and that you must maintain an elaborate show for the INS in order to
avoid severe penalties, this is a very, very puny compensation.
If the INS suspects fraudulent marriage, they may send both spouses (yes that includes you) back to the
foreign born spouse's country of origin during the investigation. If the ruling is that your marriage is
fraudulent, the American spouse (born citizen or naturalized) is subject to heavy fines and imprisonment.
That means being a convicted felon. The foreign born spouse is subject to fines, imprisonment,
deportation, and refusal of entry into the US (even as a tourist) for periods of no less than ten years, or a
lifetime. The marriage is also annulled. If you, as an American citizen or permanent resident, feel that he
married you under fraudulent circumstances, you are allowed to report this to the INS with no penalty on
yourself. As the petitioner, you have the right to refuse to petition for anyone else.
If you intend to marry someone who is not presently living in the United States, you MUST be able to
demonstrate to the INS that you have met in person at least one time in order for him to be eligible for a K1 (fiance) visa. This usually means that you have to make a trip overseas to meet the brother. Mail order
and arranged marriages will not work with this situation.
Expect to have your life come under heavy scrutiny by the INS. The INS may employ home visits, and
requires you to visit their offices or an embassy (if you are overseas) for at least one interview. They may
nose around and ask your neighbors and relatives about you and your comings and goings. You must also
be prepared for the possibility that his entry or conditional residence will be restricted to the point where
he is not given a work permit, thereby requiring you to go out and work while he is at home, although this
usually doesn't happen.
When petitioning for the K-1 visa, you may also petition for a K-2, which is a dependents visa. Beware of
those who want to bring over "dear old mother" and a few siblings on a K-2 visa right away. It is my
understanding that as the sponsor, you will be legally responsible for all those dependents who are on a K2 visa. This includes his children from any previous marriages, his mother, his younger brother, his cousin,
whoever.
Finally, when marrying someone who does not have papers, and who will gain them through you, take the
time and trouble to find out whether or not he has a wife and family back home. It may cost you money
and it may take you some time, but it can save you a lot of heartache in the end. This is another time when
a trustworthy wali comes in handy.
Culture Clash
Many female converts to Islam marry brothers who were born and raised as Muslims. Almost all of these
brothers are from another culture, usually Arabic, Iranian, or Indo-Pakistani. A lot of sisters have a dreamy
romantic picture of an exotic cross-culture marriage. The reality can be stressful and confusing. While
brothers from these countries are often somewhat (though not overly) familiar with American culture,
American women are often completely unfamiliar with their new husband's culture, what is expected of
women, what is expected of men, and so on. In addition, while many foreign-born brothers are somewhat
familiar with our culture(s), most of their knowledge likely comes from movies and television. It's been my
experience that foreign born brothers have precious little interaction with Americans in a non-work/nonschool setting. There's nothing wrong with this, but it does mean that they can carry a very shallow and
stereotypical view of what American family life is like, and what American women are like. When you
marry a man from another culture, the package comes with both good and bad elements. You may not get
an opportunity to avoid negative things in the person's culture, especially if you have not educated yourself
about them first.
It is also a fact that sometimes, men from these countries (ie, born and raised Muslim in Muslim countries)
may not be practicing Muslims or even very good people. A man's religious practice, not his ethnic or
national origin, or the religion of his parents and family, should be your highest consideration when you are
meeting someone for marriage.
If you are considering marrying someone from another culture, you might want to find out if there are
other Western Muslimahs in your area married to men from that country. You might also find e-mail
support lists for American/Western Muslimahs married to Arabs, Indo-Paks, Iranians, and so on. My
general advice is that you don't take advice from non Muslim women who have divorced men from
another culture. Stick to the advice and listen to the experiences of Muslim women who are married or
have been married to men from that country.
Although it might sound cheesy, you can also go to your library and try to find travel books, memoirs,
novels, and non-fiction books about your potential husband's culture (although you should be
appropriately wary of anything written by non Muslim Western journalists). If it is possible, visit sisters
from his country and learn how they conduct themselves. Your potential husband might know that he is
marrying an American, but he may expect you to conduct yourself according to his culture later, especially
when his parents are around.
Cross-cultural marriages can be very loving and beneficial, but the couple has to make Islam the foundation
of their marriage, and the "resolver" of their conflicts. Go into the marriage expecting to hit rough spots,
eat food that grosses you out, and get into awkward social situations. If you keep your 'imaan and your
sense of humor about you, you'll both pull through it fine, insha'Allah.
Final Word
Whether you're marrying someone from California or Qatar, I highly recommend the book by Hidayat
(Hedaya) Hartfurd (Hartford), "Islamic Marriage." Note: Currently out of stock except for a couple of the
first release secondhand copies found here: https://www.amazon.com/Islamic-Marriage-HedayaHartford/dp/1592390129
Another good, realistic book is Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood's "Muslim Marriage Guide" (Available for
purchase online at http://www.amazon.com/Muslim-Marriage-Guide-RuqayyahMaqsood/dp/091595799X.) (Or downloadable in PDF at http://al-islamforall.org/Misc/MarriageGuide.pdf)
When it comes to marriage, remember to keep your wits about you. Don't be pressured into a marriage
you don't want, and don't let the excitement of other sisters at finally having someone to fix up sweep you
into a marriage you're not ready for. Take the time to write a small journal about what you expect from a
marriage, what you think you can offer to marriage, what you need to work on, what you are looking for in
a husband, and so on. Always keep "an open line" with Allah subhanaahu wa ta'ala, praying and asking for
guidance on this matter, and you'll be fine, insha'Allah.
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Short Biography of Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Ruqaiyyah is the author of around forty books on Islam and other subjects. She gained her honours degree
in Theology in 1963 and Post Graduate Teaching Certificate in 1964, with distinctions in theory and
practice.
Her professional life was spent as Head of Religious Studies at various UK inner city secondary schools, until
she retired in 1996, to concentrate on writing and lecturing.
Ruqaiyyah grew up a devout Christian, but converted to Islam in 1986. Already established by then as an
author of books on Christian and educational topics, she has since devoted her time to writing on Islam and
doing dawah work to both Christian and Muslim audiences.
© 1998 - 2004, Saraji Umm Zaid
