Afraid of Wedding Night Disaster


29 June, 2020


QAs-Salamu Aleikom.

I have a serious problem. I hope I can get help here.

My problem is that I am afraid I will quickly ejaculate during sex. I am still single, hoping to get married next year.

But any time I visit my fiancée, I notice some drops of water (sperm?) on my underwear.

I have tried out some drugs, but up till now I cannot see any result.

These incidents scare me. Please advise me. Thank you.

ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad


29 June, 2020


In this counseling answer:


Based on the medical science of how our bodies function, what you experience is not only normal but needed when you get married and begin to have sex.

Just as you and your future wife will “grow into each other”, your fears will also diminish when it comes to performance in the bedroom.

Focus on other aspects of being a good husband as the sexual part will work itself out naturally.

first night


Afraid of Marriage First Night


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,


Thank you for writing in with your most important question. Your concern is a very common one which many men worry about. The drops of water you experience when you see your fiancée is normal.

Completely Normal


It is a response to being aroused and your body’s way of preparing for sexual intercourse. Medical terminology oftentimes calls this “pre-cum”, a lubricant excreted by the penis when one is engaging in sexual acts or is aroused.

SexInfo states that “The bulbourethral (also known as Cowper’s) glands secrete fluid not only during ejaculation but also during sexual arousal. The fluid released during arousal is known as pre-ejaculate, preseminal fluid, or “pre-cum”, and may (but not always) be seen as a few drops of clear fluid emitted from the tip of the penis. Pre-ejaculate serves to neutralize the acidity of the man’s urethra, as a lubricant, and as a seminal coagulant”.

Based on the medical science of how our bodies function, what you experience is not only normal but needed when you get married and begin to have sex. The drop of fluid or “pre-cum” act as a lubricant to prepare both you and your wife for more pleasurable sex.

Additionally, for your information, women also “get wet” when they are aroused.  While it may be more noticeable for the men, human physiology works in a way that creates a complimentary medium for both men and women.

Afraid of Wedding Night Disaster - About Islam


The mind is a funny thing, brother. The more we think about something that bothers us, the larger the problem can appear to be. While you are worried that you may ejaculate too quickly, you must realize that, as a virgin, your body is not yet trained to have instant sexual endurance.

While you may experience long stamina the first time, usually men build up stamina and endurance by performing regular sex as one does when married.

When you are married, you will enjoy all the benefits of marriage including sex. As your body gets used to the new and wonderful sensations of sexual pleasure, it will adapt and you may begin to be able to control when to ejaculate when you are intimate with your wife.

Other men, however, fear they will have premature ejaculation only to find that when their “big night” arrives, they are so excited, or they experience anxiety to a point where they cannot ejaculate! Either way, it goes, it will be normal, and in time you will be in sync with your wife’s body and her to yours.

Work on character


In the meantime, I kindly suggest you focus on other aspects of being a good husband as the sexual part will work itself out naturally. Take some Islamic courses in marriage preparation, spirituality in marriage, responsibilities in marriage, as well as classes in effective marital communication as this, will build upon your skills as a husband prior to marriage.

I would also kindly suggest that you and your fiancée attend pre-marriage seminars if your masjid has them (but you can find such courses online). These are wonderful classes that couples often take together to better prepare for the lifelong journey of being husband and wife.

The classes cover an array of topics such as getting to know one another as husband and wife, Islamic guidelines for successful marriages, listening and communication skills, children, creating balanced and close in-law relationships as well as other interesting and helpful topics.

In the Qur’an, Allah (swt) states,

“Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them” (2:187)  

Comfort one another


Allah (swt) in His great mercy made husbands and wives to be a comfort and joy to each other as well as a garment that covers, protects and acts as an adornment. Husbands and wives are to be a comfort to each other, to uplift each other, protect each other and grow together Islamically.

Marriage puts an affection and love between two people. They naturally want to help each other and do nice things for one another. They are helpmates to one another.

Marriage is a safeguard not just for prevention of zina, but in so many other ways. When we marry, we have someone (ideally) who protects us, takes care of us when we are sick, laughs at our jokes, up builds us when we are down, and shares our life.

Conclusion


Brother, I am discussing marriage in relation to your fear and anxiety about premature ejaculation because, as you can see, marriage is a building process and one that, in sha’ Allah, will be a joy and will be solidified by many things.

Just as you and your future wife will “grow into each other”, your fears will also diminish when it comes to performance in the bedroom. Have faith that what you are experiencing is normal, and know that once you are married you will fit like garments, in sha’ Allah, perfectly made for each other as Allah (swt) intended.

As Muslims, we believe that the recipe for good things is contained in accepting the sovereignty of Allah (swt) and acting upon the guidance He (swt) has sent down. Thus, keep your future marriage in prayer and focus on other things to prepare you for this marriage, as the sexual part will come naturally between you. Allah (swt) says,

“Indeed, this Qur’an guides to that which is most suitable…” (17:9)

Alcoholic Husband: I Feel Stuck in this Marriage


28 June, 2020


QI’m writing to ask what I should do.

I’m annoyed/let down that my husband who is supposed to be Muslim started to drink alcohol.

He started it a few years ago, socially. I didn’t approve, and I asked him to stop. But, he still does it with his friends and sometimes in the house.

I always wanted a husband who would be a non-drinker. I’m depressed and discouraged that I ended up with this kind of situation. It disgusts me.

I don’t like it, but he insists that it is important to him. I think it’s selfish. Honestly, I think it impacts our marriage.

As a side note: I live in an area with few Muslims. We are a small minority.

So, I didn’t have too many options for marriage partners when I got married 13 years ago. I just was looking for any Muslim guy I could possibly find.

I wish I had found someone different, but this is what I’m stuck with, and we have 2 children together.

ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad


28 June, 2020


In this counseling answer:

Even though he is your husband, you do have Islamic rights as a Muslim and can demand that alcohol is not brought into your home.

Please do seek out a time when things are calm to speak with your husband about his drinking.

Sister, you may want to request from your husband that the two of you spend more time engaged in Islamic events, praying together, reading Qur’an together with the children.

Sister, insha’Allah, seek out counsel from the imam at the Masjid concerning the drinking and your marriage.

Ask Allah to protect and guide you as you attempt to resolve the situation and save your marriage

Simple Plan to Start Your Addiction Recovery


As salamu alaykum sister,


I am sorry to hear about the issues with your husband. I am sure this hurts you very much and you are at a loss about how to address this situation. As a Muslim, it is a very difficult situation to deal with as drinking alcohol is forbidden.

As a wife, I can imagine you feel very disappointed in his decision to drink as that is not “what you signed up for” when you married him.

Alcoholic Husband: I Feel Stuck in this Marriage - About Islam


History


It appears that you were happily married for 13 years. You and your husband have two children together. Recently your husband started to drink alcohol.

You stated he started drinking socially a few years ago and just kept going. Even though you did ask him to stop he refuses. You feel depressed and discouraged and disgusted. 

Haram Habits


Sister sometimes Muslims backslide and start doing things that are haram and sinful. Unfortunately, he has started a very bad habit. As you know we are forbidden to drink alcohol and situations like this illustrate the dangers.

As your husband was previously a non-drinker, he now compromises his Islamic values, his marriage, and his relationship with Allah. Perhaps he thinks that a few drinks socially would not hurt. As it has been a few years now and he has continued drinking, perhaps it has become a habit and something he does socially as well as to reduce stress. 

Your Rights


As a Muslim you have the right not to have alcohol in your house. Even though he is your husband you do have Islamic rights as a Muslim and can demand that alcohol is not brought into your home. You have Islamic law to back you up on that.

It may not make him happy or pleasant, in fact it may make him angry but the fact remains you should not have alcohol in your home. His drinking is not only harming him, but it is harming you and the children.

You are raising your children as Muslims; how does this look to them that their father drinks alcohol? This is something you may want to ask your husband.

Seeking Support and Help


Sister, insha’Allah, seek out counsel from the imam at the Masjid concerning the drinking and your marriage. He may be able to provide further Islamic solutions to this issue.

You may also wish to see if there are  Islamic/Muslim counselors in your area. The reason I am suggesting Islamic /Muslim counselors is because in this situation our religion forbids alcohol and perhaps a non-Muslim counselor would not understand this. 

Speaking with Husband


Sister, please do sit down when things are calm and talk to your husband about marriage counseling to help resolve this problem. You may even want to suggest that he attends AA meetings to learn about drinking patterns.

Friends can and do influence decisions in people who may be less grounded in their faith or convictions. Perhaps your husband needs to look at his choice of friends as well as his inability to stand up against things he knows are haram and harmful.

As the drinking behavior is something he’s actively engaged in he may not like these ideas at all, especially education from AA as it is assuming he’s an alcoholic.

I am not implying he is; I have no idea, only Allah knows, but I am just offering a reference point of education for him as well as you. This would enable him (and you) to learn more about the possibilities of addiction and the dangers of drinking.

Insha’Allah sister, you may want to request from your husband that the two of you spend more time engaged in Islamic events, praying together, reading Qur’an together with the children. Spending times in nature as a family (relaxing) and focusing on rebuilding a relationship with each other that is based on Islamic principles. 

False Security


Many people drink on a social basis and they are not alcoholics and is not a problem for them. However, it can very easily turn into an addiction and this is a problem. 

In this case as he is  Muslim, drinking alcohol is considered Haram in general. Therefore, not only his marriage, but his spirituality is at stake. 

Options


Sister you may want to think about your options as you stated he was not your first choice for a husband as there were not many Muslims in your area.

However, you are married now with two children and from what you have written it seems that the marriage was okay until he started drinking. As Allah hates divorce and you are not being abused and the kids are safe, I am kindly suggesting that you try to work this out. 

Trying to Resolve Issue


Please do seek out a time when things are calm to speak with your husband about his drinking. You may wish to discuss it with him in private at first or bring in a family member who would be supportive yet not bias.

Perhaps with extra encouragement your husband will see the light concerning the dangers of his ways. When you speak to your husband insha’Allah assure him of your love for him, you’re concerned for his health and spirituality.

Indicate that as your marriage is built on the foundations of Islam, you seek to strengthen in faith when one is weak or on the wrong path. That is what spouses do for one another as partners in life.

Marriage Counseling


Sister ask your husband to go for marriage counseling as well. If you feel that is necessary at this point. If he refuses sister I would highly suggest that you do remain firm in not having alcohol in your home especially since you have children in the home.  It is a bad example and of course it is Haram. 

If Husband Refuses


If your husband refuses to quit drinking, refuses counseling, and refuses to see further education on the dangers, you will have to determine if you this is something that you will be able to live with, or if you need to make changes.

In thinking about your options, please do think about your children and how you would like them to be raised, what the dangers are that they could be exposed to due to his drinking, as well as your own deen, spirituality, and mental health.

Conclusion


Sister, if he does not want to stop drinking you may wish to engage in counseling in your area with an Islamic counselor who can help you and guide you through your feelings and future decisions.

Stay close to Allah swt through prayer, dzhkir, and duaa. Ask Allah to protect and guide you as you attempt to resolve the situation and save your marriage. We wish you the best.