I Can’t Move On Past Difficulties with My Husband

QI got married 6 years ago and faced many hardships after marriage. I endured everything patiently for my husband’s sake. I did not even share my troubles with my parents.

My husband loves me and takes care of me alhamdulillah, and I love him too but sometimes when I remember the past, I get so depressed and we often end up arguing. I can’t find a way to move past whatever happened. I am also having a faith crisis. Please help me! I kindly suggest that you pray and ask Allah to keep you close to Him; ask Allah for mercy, forgiveness, and ease from depression. Sister, Allah knows you best, Allah knows your state of mind, and Allah loves you.
ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad
29 January, 2022
In this counseling answer:
I kindly suggest that you keep a journal and write about how your marriage has changed for the better; the positive qualities your husband has and has developed as well as how your marriage has grown from one of the hardships to one of the blessings.

I’ve Failed to Make My Husband Love Me
I’ve Failed to Make My Husband Love Me
Sister, if you cannot move past the hardships, which occurred in your marriage, perhaps you would benefit from counseling.

As salamu alaykum sister,
Sister, marriage is not always easy, often couples do have hardships and issues. Even though you stated the hardships were in the past, you are still re-experiencing them emotionally from time to time it seems, which causes depression and leads to arguments. 

Hardships After Marriage
Sister, you stated you faced a lot of hardships after marriage although you did not indicate what they were. In sha Allah, you must know that marriage is an adjustment.

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Oftentimes when couples are married, they do go through some hardships and rough spots but with time, patience, love, kindness, and mercy, couples can smooth out the rough spots in the marriage as they get to know each other, compromise, and adapt as a couple.

Love for One Another
You stated that your husband loves you and takes care of you and that you love him too. However, you sometimes remember the past, and this causes depression which leads to arguing.

Again, you did not state what happened or what hardships you went through or for how long, but it could be that they were more than just arguments and disagreements.

If your hardships included things such as someone cheating, someone leaving, abuse of any kind, or other challenges which go beyond basic hardships, then possibly you may be suffering from unresolved sadness, anger, an inability to trust, or trauma.

Remembering the Past
Sister, by always remembering the negative in the past despite positive changes and a fresh start, we train our brains to focus on the hurt and pain, and thus it is difficult to move forward.

I kindly suggest that you keep a journal and write about how your marriage has changed for the better; the positive qualities your husband has and has developed as well as how your marriage has grown from one of the hardships to one of the blessings.

Insha’Allah, doing this, will help you to refocus your emotional energy on the growth and good things that have come out of these hardships.

Counseling
Sister, if you cannot move past the hardships, which occurred in your marriage, perhaps you would benefit from counseling.

Depression may or may not have been present before you got married. Oftentimes, depression is chronic coming and going throughout one’s lifetime. When faced with hardships and or losses, depression can be ignited just by memory.

Counseling is a way to help you deal with the thoughts and behaviors surrounding your past hardships in your marriage. In some approaches in counseling, while addressing depression, the counselor can help reformat negative emotional and behavioral responses into ones that are more positive and conducive to your mental health and marriage.

At some point, both of you may even want to think about marriage counseling.

Faith Crisis
Sister, if you are having a faith crisis, it may be a result of depression. Depression sometimes disconnects us from our faith as when depressed one often feels hopeless, defeated, worthless, among other things.

I kindly suggest that you pray and ask Allah to keep you close to Him; ask Allah for mercy, forgiveness, and ease from depression. Sister, Allah knows you best, Allah knows your state of mind, and Allah loves you.

Insha’Allah makes time to do dhzkir, read Qur’an, pray, engage in some charity work in your community. Additionally, encourage your husband to do these acts of worship with you, it can only draw you both closer together for the sake of Allah.

Insha’Allah, attend the Masjid for prayers as well as connecting with the sisters there. Our sisters can be a good source of love, support, and encouragement.

Conclusion
Sister, please do consider your past hardships in terms of the positive outcomes of growth and a stronger marriage. If there were things that happened that are beyond basic hardships and you are left with possible trauma or trust issues, please do consider those events impactful still, and please get counseling insha’Allah.

Increase your prayers, dhkir, acts of charity, reading of Qur’an, insha’Allah if possible as a couple.

Turn to Allah for mercy and ease, knowing He loves you and He knows how to hurt you are, and Allah is most merciful. Insha’Allah, sister, ongoing counseling to work through and out of the depression will be most beneficial.