Infertile: Not Good Enough for My Husband
Premarital Prep Masterclass
QAssalamualaikum,
I have recently been told by my doctor I may not be able to conceive. My marriage is already in a really bad state. From when we got married until now there has been countless disputes and arguments.
My husband is the only son and he wants to give his parents grandchildren.
However I have not told him about this issue. We currently live separately (for 2 years in total we are living separately). I’m not sure I can forgive him for all that he has done.
Now I face this new dilemma of whether I should tell him I am infertile. He will look down on me forever. He has never fulfilled his husband role. I unfortunately never received any support from him. I work myself and I do not rely on him for anything. Allah knows best that I rely completely on Allah.
Perhaps this is Allah’s way of saying I will never be enough for my husband and that having this new problem I will be disrespected even more than I was before. Allah knows best.
Please advise me the best way I can deal with this situation. Your guidance and words will be greatly appreciated. May Allah grant us all sabr in our hardships. Ameen.
ANSWER
In this counseling session:
“YOU ARE ENOUGH, you are more than enough for the right man, but this just is not the right man. If a spouse looks down on the other due to a medical reason, then they are not the right person.”
Longing for a Child for 17 Years; I Want to Die
The Experience of Muslim Women Struggling with Infertility
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for writing in and sharing your concerns with us. It is my understanding you have been separated for two years, you constantly fight, he does not support you and you were made aware you may be infertile, but have not told him yet.
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I need to address something right away, you made the statement “I will never be enough for my husband”, Sister, this statement is so wrong. YOU ARE ENOUGH, you are more than enough for the right man, but this just is not the right man. If a spouse looks down on the other due to a medical reason, then they are not the right person.
Infertile: Not Good Enough for My Husband - About Islam
Separation
Sister, it is not normal to live separately for two years. Two people who are in love would not be happy to live like this. In many areas living separately for two years is sufficient grounds for a divorce to be granted without any other variables.
I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. Why are you living separate lives? Why have you remained married during these 2 years? If you are living separately out of choice and not out of necessity, such as one person works in another country, then this alone is a big red flag.
I want you to think about something important. Imagine that he moved in with you tomorrow and you will live together full time. Would this be excited for you or would you feel unhappy he was coming to live with you? If you would be unhappy and not want this then I have to ask why you are still married.
Check out this counseling video:
The Situation
You mentioned he does not know about the fertility concerns and you want to know how to deal with this. Sister, honesty is the best route to go. Let him know the truth that that doctor said you may not be able to conceive. Of course, you said “may not” so it is not definitive yet, for all we know he may be infertile.
If he reacts badly to the possibility of you being infertile and is hurtful to you then tells you right away that this marriage is not the right one. Please be aware it is not advisable to have a child you two are living separately anyways. If you cannot live together in harmony a child will only escalate that animosity and be stuck in the middle.
Prepare yourself mentally for his reaction. You mentioned you already have “countless disputes” and argue frequently. If he gets heated or wants to argue, I encourage you to tell him you refuse to argue and leave the situation. No reason to argue about this, it will not help either of you be happier.
Seeking divorce or counseling
As you already live separate lives for 2 years now and you fully support yourself, alhamdulillah finances are not a concern in this situation. If you would feel happier finalizing this separation as a fully legal divorce, then I encourage you to take the steps necessary to make that happen. This may help give you closure and enable you to move forward with your life.
If you do not want a divorce and want to try and resolve this then I encourage you to seek out a marriage counselor as this situation is already very unhealthy. It is your choice what actions you take.
Marriage with Infertility
Sister, I need to address the next question that comes if you get divorced. You absolutely can get married if infertile, many men and women do without issue. This should not be a dealbreaker for marriage. Please understand if you are infertile you can consider adoption in the future and give a child a loving family that perhaps is an orphan or was put up for adoption by a family that cannot handle having a child.
Infertility by a man or woman does not mean they cannot be a parent. Many children are living in orphanages and foster homes that dearly want a loving family to adopt them. Inshallah if you want to be a Mother one day, you will!
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward Sister.
Be honest with him about your medical possibilities
Ask yourself why you live separately
Think about if you would be happy or sad if he lived with you
Determine if you want to initiate a legal divorce or seek out marriage counseling
Take comfort in knowing you can adopt a child in the future if the traditional route is not possible
Remember you are enough for the right man and always deserve respect
Seek comfort in prayer
I know this is a difficult time Sister to deal with a failing marriage and potential medical concerns, but inshallah you can heal and move forward. May Allah (swt) heal your heart, guide your choices, and protect you, ameen.