I’ve 50 and Have Never Been Married
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09 December, 2021
QI've written previously about desiring marriage (and babies), but due to my age and responsibilities toward my parents, this hasn’t been possible. I won’t repeat that distress. Instead, I find myself pondering over the impact of dua on our lives and I wonder if Allah has shown me signs all along, indicating that I am destined to be alone and die alone too.

I think about my mom who is very kind. My dad has been abusive and mean to her throughout their marriage. Mom has always made dua that her life becomes easy, but even at age 83, she is having a hard time with my dad. She prayed for her kids.

My brothers have had happy marriages. Recently, my brothers’ daughters found husbands easily and got married with much celebration and my mom was soooo happy. Yet I did not get the same fate as my brothers or their daughters.

Has Allah shown me that my mom's duas for me won’t be answered, just like hers weren't answered regarding her own marriage? If Allah wants something, it flows effortlessly. Indeed, I witnessed this in my brothers’ marriages and in their daughters’ marriages. Whereas I've never had an opportunity to meet someone, that door has never opened for me.

Are these all signs for me to reflect on? If so, why am I feeling sadder about it rather than at peace? I would like someone to love me and care about me.

However, if Allah hasn't willed that door to open (just like He didn’t open a door to marital happiness for my righteous mom, although she has derived happiness from her children and grandchildren), then why can’t I just accept that? Why do I remain attached to something that isn’t written for me?

I'm also starting to experience resentment and anger towards my mother and brothers as my dad (age 88) nears closer to death. I know I will bear the responsibility of taking care of my mom, and that will be hard on me.

I've been caring for both parents while my brothers experience their own family lives. However, once my dad dies, mom moves in with me and I'm stuck with her round the clock. She's righteous, but difficult.

The anger and resentment at how my family of origin has struck my opportunities for marriage and children just keeps eating at me more and more as my parents become more and more dependent on me.
ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad
09 December, 2021
In this counseling answer:
Sister, in this life we have choices. Insha’Allah, take this opportunity to make some positive changes in your life so that you can pursue your own happiness and dreams.

Insha’Allah please speak to your siblings regarding care for your parents. Reach out to other sisters in similar situations for strength, comradery, resources, and encouragement.

I’ve 50 and Have Never Been Married - About Islam
I’m 50, Single, and Tired of Taking Care of My Parents Alone
Seek out counseling on an ongoing basis to assist you with dealing with your feelings and to help you create a future that you truly desire.

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Keep making duaa to Allah for that which you desire-but also look at what you can do to help make it happen.

As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Sister, Allah hears our duaa’s. Sometimes Allah grants our duaa’s fast, sometimes He waits. Other times Allah does not grant our duaa’s to keep us from harm, sometimes Allah saves them for the afterlife. The other part of this is that sometimes we must also do our part to achieve the things.

For instance, if one is studying at a university and makes duaa to Allah to pass a big exam with high grades yet they do not study, why would be they be surprised if they do not pass?

When your mom made duaa for her life to become easy, perhaps she trusted in Allah. Yes, but maybe she did not take the practical steps herself to end the violence and have an easier life (leaving, seeking help, intervention, etc.).

The same is when she makes duaa for happy marriages for your siblings. What did your siblings do differently to find a spouse that you may have overlooked?

Caring for Parents
Sister, you have been taking care of your parents and that is a great blessing and sacrifice. As Muslims, we are to care for our parents. This responsibility, however, includes all siblings-not just one.

In your situation, you do have siblings who should be helping to take care of your parents as well.

While right now it may seem hard and frustrating, please do look at the options you had.

Siblings Responsibility
My dear sister, you still have the choice to ensure that your siblings also live up to their part of the Islamic responsibility of caring for your parents. It is an honor to care for one’s parents thus no sibling should negate this, leaving it all on one sibling.

My dear sister, you can make changes Insha’Allah by sitting and talking with your siblings about getting help with your parents.

It is their parents as well, thus the division of care will help ensure everyone has a most important role in their care as well as give more balance to each of your lives.

Personal Happiness
As a Muslima, you do have rights to your own happiness. This includes marriage and your own personal family life. Perhaps you have had a lot of responsibilities with your parents, but there may be other reasons for your seemingly reluctance to fully engage or change the situation.

Perhaps you may feel shy, maybe like a lot of women you may feel low self-esteem. Maybe you were/are not sure of how to go about seeking that which is halal that you desire.

Sister, for these possible reasons, it may be wonderful for you if you could network with other sisters in similar situations and discuss solution-focused options.

Our Muslim sisters can be a great source of strength, inspiration, and encouragement!

Self-Care
Sister, as all people-you do need time for yourself.  Self-care is an important part of living a balanced and happy life. Insha’Allah please choose a few things that comfort you and make you feel good. Engage in these activities preferably daily.

Whether it is a walk in nature, going to a gym, drinking mint tea and watching the sunset, reading a book—we all need these self-care times to unwind. By taking some time on a daily basis to engage in self-care activities, you are essentially telling yourself, “I am worth it”!

Counseling
Sister, I kindly suggest that in addition to self-care practices you also seek ongoing counseling in your area.

Counseling can help bring great insight and empowerment as you learn how to tap into your inner resources to bring about the changes you want.

In addition, counseling can also help one to identify negative self-defeating thoughts and replace them with a reality that is more in tune with the heart’s longing.

Conclusion
Sister, in this life we have choices. Insha’Allah, take this opportunity to make some positive changes in your life and pursue your happiness.

Insha’Allah please speak to your siblings regarding care for your parents. Reach out to other sisters in similar situations for strength, comradery, resources, and encouragement.

Seek out counseling on an ongoing basis to assist you with dealing with your feelings.

Keep making duaa to Allah for that which you desire, but also look at what you can do to help make it happen.

We wish you the best.