How to Save My Friendship?
04 November, 2021
QAssalamu Aleikom. I have problems with two of my friends, X and Y. We go through periods of time when they ghost me from their lives only to unexpectedly contact me again.
My friend Y has been quite deceitful; she abandoned me in times of hardship, as well as tried to make my friend X stay away from me too.
I would like to salvage our friendship but they seem to be avoiding me. They seem perfectly happy without me.
These are my assumptions. However, I am heartbroken and cry often about our broken friendship.
I wonder whether they are a good fit for me. How can I find out if our friendship is worth saving or I should move on?
ANSWER
Madiha Sadaf
04 November, 2021
The best way to maintain your peace of mind is to talk to them. Be honest.
Sometimes Allah takes us away from people who are no longer good for us. If your friends are not ready to discuss the reason behind the conflict and sort out the miscommunication, perhaps they are no longer meant to be your friends.
Use your time. Perhaps you could work on personal development, rather than waste time hanging out with friends who may no longer be beneficial for you.
Seek new friendships. Connect with other people.
How to Handle Hateful "Friends"?
How to Handle Hateful "Friends"?
Work on your relationship with Allah.
Assalamu alaikum dear,
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I am sorry to hear of the troubles that you currently have with your friends. We as human beings are so connected to our friends and relatives that any sort of confusing behavior from them really disappoints and hurts us.
Communication is key
You are correct when you say that it is not right for you to make assumptions about them. Therefore, it is necessary that you try and communicate. If these two people are close friends of yours, it is possible that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for their behavior.
The best way to maintain your peace of mind is to talk to them. Be honest. Let your friends, both X and Y, know how you feel; disconnected, missing their company.
If they are true friends of yours, they will provide explanations that will satisfy you. However, if they are not your true friends, they will not acknowledge your feelings, and will continue to distance themselves from you.
Avoid unnecessary drama
Judging from your question, it seems that you are not one to get involved in unnecessary drama. However, not everyone is like this. This is perhaps the reason behind conflicts that arise unexpectedly.
Some people search for drama and conflict, and that is just who they are. Whereas other people do not want to be part of the drama and want to be clear hearted towards everyone.
Not everyone we meet and greet will reflect our personality. Being able to handle the differences in personalities without feeling hurt is a skill. A skill that develops once we realize that other’s rude and unacceptable behavior towards us should not hinder our peace.
Let go of what troubles your mind
Sometimes Allah takes us away from people who are no longer good for us. If your friends are not ready to discuss the reason behind the conflict and sort out the miscommunication, perhaps they are no longer meant to be your friends.
I understand that this may not be the easiest to deal with. However, this is the way to deal with a situation that takes away our peace of mind. Why would you sit and cry, when you can improve yourself and be a better person today than you were yesterday?
Invest time in being productive
Allah SWT says, “But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 216]
When you are missing your friends but are reminded that they no longer wish to be your friends, do not feel sad.
It may be better if you study during this time, or workout and get active. Perhaps you could work on personal development, rather than waste time hanging out with friends who may no longer be beneficial for you.
Read
My grandma used to say that a book is a person’s best friend, and I cannot agree with her more. One of the basic reasons why reading is important is that it helps you grow mentally, emotionally and psychologically.
Every book gives you an opportunity to learn new things and explore new ideas. You connect with a writer; you learn about different characters of various personalities and you are transported to places and settings that are unknown to you. You are no longer part of a world that disrupts your peace.
Connect with other people
At this stage in your life, it is possible that you may need other friends. Therefore, you should network and connect with other people. Go to gatherings, be friendly, talk to everyone, and perhaps you can find a friend who is perfect for you.
The Messenger SAW (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend, is the likeness of a (musk) perfume seller and a blacksmith.
As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you, or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes, or you may be exposed to his awful smell.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]
This is a very profound saying highlighting the importance of having a righteous friend. Do the friends you are stressed about resemble perfume sellers, or blacksmiths? Remember, it is better to have no friends at all than to have a bad friend.
What is it that you look for in a friend? It is possible that your two friends are no longer the people they once were.
Connect with The One Who never leaves you: Allah
Allah SWT says: “Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” [Qur’an: Chapter 13, Verse 28]
When this world disrupts our peace of mind, we are eager to turn to music and movies. Unfortunately, this will not erase the pain or the heartbreak, it will simply mask it.
When we connect to Allah, not only will our pain and heartbreak be erased, we will also find an increase in our peace and happiness, and satisfaction with life. In this life, we are made to feel sadness. However, connecting with Allah and turning to Him will help us overcome such feelings.
Let your tongue become moist with the remembrance of Allah who has given us more blessings than we can ever imagine. Don’t be saddened by allowing someone to blind you from the beautiful blessings that surround you, rather make these blessings your peace of mind.
Don’t dwell on the past, remember Allah and move forward. You will always be replaced by something better than what was taken away from you.
I pray that your peace of mind is restored fast.