Assalamualikum. I just very recently got married. It has been almost 4 months now. It was completely arranged. Yet, I can’t seem to feel happy in marriage at all.

To start off, I was born and raised in America. My parents alhamdullilah took care of me with love. Once I graduated high school, I started receiving marriage proposals one after another. I was never interested in marriage, but I told my parents that when the right person comes I’ll get married.

Alhamdullilah a man came that I felt something different for. I met him once and we soon got married a week later. I soon started feeling awkward around him. I struggled with physical intimacy although we did consummate our marriage. I still struggle with sex. I hate it so much. I force him off of me. I get out of the room if he tries to start. One night, I’m perfectly fine the next time I can’t stand him.

He’s alhamdullilah so Islamic. His parents aren’t very nice. He is so nice to my family. He is always patient. But I have started noticing that this relationship is starting to go down badly. Sometimes he says he’ll never come back. What should I do. Why do I act this way?

ANSWER
In this counseling answer:

• Compromises need to be made on both sides in order for a marriage to succeed.

• In order to promote happiness in your marriage, focusing on these positive aspects more will make for healthier relations and satisfaction in the relationship.

• Do something fun. 

• Work on common goals. 

• Spend time apart also.

Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
MashaAllah, you have found a husband who is a practicing Muslim, he’s very patient and he is nice to your family. Unfortunately, however, you are not feeling so happy in this marriage lately and feel like the relationship is going downhill and you are unsure why things seem to be heading this way. There are, however, a few things you can think about and do to try and make things better.

Marital challenges
As much as we all want to be in a marriage that is 100% bliss 24/7, but unfortunately this is seldom the case. All marriages will at some point face one challenge or another. Marriages will always start off in a good place, but what many don’t realize is that marriages won’t always remain this way as the couple gets used to each other and exhibit traits that perhaps the other spouse did not expect or had never seen before. For the most part, these are minor things that one just has to learn to accept and will come to adjust to these things in time, often coming to eventually love these little quirks.

Compromise in marriage
You will not always like all the things about your spouse, and he too will likely be having issues with some aspects of your own personality, but one of the important things in a marriage is to realize that compromises need to be made on both sides in order for a marriage to succeed. Whilst we would always prefer to have things our own way, it is better to make reasonable compromises for the sake of a happy marriage than expect everything to be done your own way at the risk of causing difficulties and unhappiness in the marriage. After all, these compromises you make may even be better for you than if you did things your own way. Marriage requires flexibility.

“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:216)

Even looking at marriage in general without going into specifics, it may be that you dislike being married, but it is good for you. Marriage gives you the chance to have your needs met in a halal way, provides you with comfort and protection from many things

“…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” (Qur’an, 2:187)

and most importantly is encouraged by Allah.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between your affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an, 30:21)

Focus on the positives
At present, it seems that you are very much fixated on the negative aspects of this marriage and of course this is going to make you feel unhappy in the marriage. Despite this, however, you have identified his positive aspects too. In order to promote happiness in your marriage, focusing on these positive aspects more will make for healthier relations and satisfaction in the relationship.

Rekindle things
Often couple needs to rekindle the sparks in a marriage every now and again to nurture the love between them. There are several ways this can be done.

Do something fun. The couple might feel that their marriage feels boring when they are just doing the same things day after day. A way to overcome this is to do something fun together. Try something different. Either do something completely new together such as taking up a new hobby, or just simply block out the time to do something nice together like going for a walk. You can make this a regular date for a while and switch things up every now and again, maybe going out for coffee or lunch another time

Either way, just blocking out that time to be alone together can keep things fresh in the relationship and allow a good space to just chat about anything and everything. It will also give you both the security that amongst all other commitments, you have separated that time for your relationship development.

Work on common goals. Doing a task that requires you to work together on common goals can be another way to strengthen a relationship as it requires you to work together on the same thing towards the same goal using teamwork. It might be that you sign up to some kind of course together, or start a new hobby together, or even something in the home like redecorating a room together. This cooperation on the task can help to strengthen bonds and increase cooperation in the relationship also.

Spend time apart also. Sometimes being with someone often, like a spouse, you can take certain qualities for granted and get irritated with minor things that irritate you. A way to overcome this is to spend a little time apart also. When this occurs, the couple will soon come to miss one another as they focus more on the nice things and positive qualities that they miss in the person. To achieve this, you could go and stay with a family member for a couple of days as a means to not only maintain family ties but also strengthen your marriage.

Summary
Overall, do keep in mind that the majority of marriages done ups and downs and will not remain as vibrant as they were during the first months. The way you manage this, however, can ensure that your marriage remains alive and happy. This can be achieved by accepting the challenges and relishing the beauty of marriage. This is further done by focusing on the positives and making sure to dedicate time exclusively to one another through mutual tasks and doing fun things, but also spending a little time apart every now and again too.

May Allah bless your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.

Assalamu Aleikom. I married my husband 11 months ago. We had never met before and spoke to each other once on the phone before we married.

When we got married, like all brides, I was shy and nervous about my wedding night. As someone who is also a virgin, I was extremely scared. My husband approached me that night for sex, and I was not able to return his sexual advances because of fear. He asked me if I wanted to and I said no. He told me it was okay.

After that he did not touch me for a whole week until we went to our honeymoon where on our first night he approached me again. This time I was less nervous and scared so I attempted at a sexual relationship. It was horribly painful for me and out of pain I asked him to stop. He did and said we’d try again sometime else. It’s been 11 months since this happened and my husband has not touched me again. I have tried to speak to him about it, asking him why are we lacking in this part. I even asked him if medically he was okay to which he said he was.

I have asked him repeatedly and he said “I can’t forget what you did to me, you insulted me. You never wanted me.” I tried to explain to him that I was scared and in pain but he keeps saying to me that now he is not prepared to have sex and that he just doesn’t feel the same anymore. He said he needs a couple of months, but he’s been saying that for the last 11 months.

He keeps repeating the same thing, “you insulted me, you’ve insulted me I won’t come near you”. Our relationship is coming towards a breaking point as I crave a child and without this, we will never have children. And 11 months in, I do not think my husband will change.

I lay next to him in bed every night and have given up hope for anything to get better. What shall I do? He’s a very arrogant and egoistic man. Whatever I say to him does not make a difference.

ANSWER
In this counseling answer:

• Shift your focus away from sex and instead focus on pleasurable touch. Create a loving physical connection as a couple.

• Emotional trust, regular physical touch, and the foreplay leading up to sex are so important in a marriage.

• If after three months of loving touch and kind effort there is no change, it may be the time to involve a third party to discuss what else is going on inside of him.

As-Salamu Aleikom,
Thank you for emailing in with your question. I’m sorry to hear that your start to your marriage has been rocky so far. Insha’Allah, you can find some suggestions that can help you both come together soon.

It seems the first challenge that needs to be tackled is helping your husband heal from the hurt he has felt. He may have felt you didn’t desire him. It seems the rejection was extremely difficult for him to overcome and the embarrassment lingers to this day. You’ve done the right thing in reaching out to him and explaining what happened the first time around.

That being said, the whole concept of sex has so much pressure built up around it that he may prefer to just stay away altogether. So, I’d like to invite you to shift your focus away from sex and instead focus on pleasurable touch. Create a loving physical connection as a couple.

For most normal and healthy couples, there need to be a few things in place for satisfying sexual intercourse to take place for both people:

1) Emotional safety – both people feel they trust their partner and are emotionally safe in their presence.

2) Physical warm-up – a chance for both people to be in the mood for sex. They engage in foreplay like kissing, cuddling, massaging each other, etc.

3) The willingness to explore what brings pleasure to the other person.

All three of these are missing right now, so let’s look at some concrete steps you can take to develop them. It’s going to take time, patience, an open heart, and a strong desire to change the way you are both relating to each other for the past eleven months.

Use Gentle Touch to Develop Emotional and Physical Closeness
First, I’d encourage you to simply touch. Pat him on the shoulder, put your hand on his knee while he drives, or brush your hand on his arm once and then put it down. Gently touch his hair in the morning or offer him a hug in the morning before he heads to work.

Just reach out and start back from the beginning which you both didn’t have a chance to develop because of how things unfolded. If he responds positively to this after a few weeks, you’ll know that trust is slowly developing. A sign of a positive response may simply be not pushing you away. He may not say a whole lot, but if he doesn’t complain, then it’s a win.

From there, become a little more daring with your touch. Aim to keep it lighthearted and remember that you aim to use the power of your touch to heal something that is really big. It’s likely much bigger than you too. Being rejected by a woman for sex is really metaphorical for many men even if one has never approached a woman before.

Consider joining him in the shower once a week, asking him to hold you in bed for a few minutes at night, and taking walks together on the weekend where you hold his hand or grab his arm.

Find reasons and ways to touch each other.

Allow Desire to Develop Naturally
It might feel really hard to be patient, but if you allow desire to develop between both of you naturally, then sex will happen the right time and for the right reasons. It won’t be about “having to have sex” or “having to try for a child”, but it can be out of a loving desire for each other.

Then your bodies will also be more primed to have sex, especially yours.

“For women, vaginal lubrication is an important part of sexual arousal. It readies the vagina for penetration, making it easier for the penis to enter and reducing any accompanying friction or irritation. Pain during intercourse is often caused by inadequate lubrication.”

It’s highly likely you experienced pain because your body wasn’t ready for sex due to nervousness. This is totally normal! It was your first time having sex and you were having it with a man you didn’t even know!

Even women who have been married for over ten years and know their husband extremely well, fully trust him, and have had enjoyable sex many times can still struggle with being ready for intercourse. This is why emotional trust, regular physical touch, and the foreplay leading up to sex are so important in a marriage.

Your Desires Matter Too
Your desires for sex and to have children are completely within your rights as a married Muslim woman. Your husband is not allowed to continue to deny you for much longer without it becoming oppressive to you.

There will be many situations in a marriage where you both accidentally hurt each other’s feelings. This is an opportunity to develop better communication strategies to tackle what’s to come down the road.

As demands haven’t worked, I’ve suggested the other steps above. You don’t have to follow them, but I am hopeful for you it will break the ice slowly but surely and help you build the kind of marriage you both want to be in.

If after three months of loving touch and kind effort there is no change, it may be the time to involve a third party to discuss what else is going on inside of him.

So, don’t stop advocating for your needs but create a new environment for some time to see if they’ll be met with love and desire rather than a conversation about rights and demands. You deserve, no matter how upset he was from the beginning of your marriage, to treat you kindly.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said,

“The most perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose behavior is most excellent; and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I have been married for 4 months now and nothing seems to work at all. My husband is a good man, but he neglects me. Since we are married, we have been intimate only once. I have talked to him about it so many times and he doesn’t do anything about it. Every time I bring up the issues we are having in our marriage, he thinks I just want to start a problem. He is always on Facebook and is watching TV, and when he comes to bed, he straight goes to sleep. He pointed out that he doesn’t like having sex at night as night is made for sleeping and not for having sex. He doesn’t like communicating to fix our marriage. I cook, clean and look after him, and the worst thing is that he does see what I am doing for him. He doesn’t touch me, nor says to me I love you in person (maybe through SMS). If I sit down next to him when he’s watching TV, he doesn’t even notice that I am sitting next to him. If I ask him for his phone in order to call my mum, he is the one who dials the number for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so stressed. I tried to leave him, but he always comes after me. He doesn’t care whether I am having problems or I’m sick. He is a selfish man who thinks he’s always right.

ANSWER
In this counseling answer:

“If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. ”

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
I am very sorry to hear about your problem. May Allah guide me to answer your question and give you some release. I understand your expectations as a newly married to how a marriage should be, and it is very frustrating not having your needs met. I see that besides the physical need, you also haven’t been experiencing an emotional connection.

To start, it is important to understand that men’s emotions can have a huge impact on their sexual desire. For a man, intimacy is often connected to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself, it will definitely show up in his approach with his wife. Also, if he is not feeling good about his life, himself, his work or anything else, it might be causing him a certain level of stress and stopping him to look into his marriage.

The key to your issue right now is communication. You need to find out why he is not meeting your needs. You can mention to your husband that you have relational rights on him, and he must develop the drive to meet your physical needs. This matter is so important that in Islamic law, there are positions when divorce is allowed to be requested by a woman who is neglected physically. The Holy Qur’an has guided married couples to act with courtesy and mercy:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.  Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)

 Allah has, indeed, created man and woman to be partners and companions to one another that includes physical and emotional connection. A relationship should lead to the fulfillment of companionship, affection/love, tranquility and mercy, and those elements should be the context of marital interactions. You are not creating a problem; you are actually looking for solutions. You just want to guarantee your rights and succeed in your relationship. Your husband MUST hear and understand this. I suggest you kindly call upon your husband for a firm and clear conversation because you both need to establish emotional intimacy, and it is necessary to have an open talk about your expectations and desires in this marriage.

I can list for you the common reasons why couples lack in intimacy but remember, these are educated guesses from my experience as a psychologist:

Was your marriage arranged?
If the answer is yes, it is possible that attraction and chemistry may not be there. Some arranged marriages are conducted due to family pressure or material solidarity. I have worked with people who married someone without having attraction, thinking it will grow over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. If this is your case, it is important not to ignore this and be open to improving this chemistry through strategies that can make each of you more desirable to one another.

Past sexual trauma or abuse?
People, who have had trauma around sexuality, their bodies tend to be blocked from enjoying sex or even approaching it. If your husband has had any events in his past like abuse, it is important for him to see a trauma therapist to overcome these blocks. Ignoring it will only make it worse.

Suffering from SSA?
Same-sex attraction is a possibility. There are many reasons an individual may have SSA, and this will obviously distract the person from the opposite sex. Again, this requires a therapeutic process that should not be ignored.

He may not be a sexual person.
Some of us are not as excited by sex as the general population. There are individuals who find sex repulsive and dirty. These individuals sometimes have obsessive-compulsive disorder towards cleanliness and find it difficult to engage in such a physically vulnerable experience like sex. Not being interested in sex can also be related to the reasons I mentioned above.

Getting needs met elsewhere.
When people are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, they avoid sexual participation with their partner and show little interest. This can be due to affairs or usage of pornography. Pornography addiction numbs the sexual appetite and makes it difficult for the addict to get excited by actual sex, since real people, like a wife, will not have the novelty factor that pornography has.

Even though your main complaint is your sexual life, I believe that your biggest problem is your lack of intimacy in general. He needs to notice you, spend quality time with you, engage in conversations, and have activities together. All this will lead to greater bonding and love.

You described your husband as constantly checking out and avoiding you through television and digital distractions. If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. Reflect on this Quranic verse 2:153:

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.”

May Allah guide you and give you the strength to go on your journey, sister.

Salaam. I hope this message finds you well. I have a question regarding a sensitive subject, and also one that is not easy to talk about due to its very nature.

I have been married to my lovely husband for 8 months now, and alhamdulillah I am happy with him.

I chose my husband myself as my parents told me to look for someone, and I was pleased with him and his character. He is not what one might typically deem as good looking etc, but I love him endlessly. We get on so well together.

However, our sex life has now become an issue, and an obstruction really to our lives. He finds it very hard to not ejaculate fast, needs to always stop and take breaks, leaving me unsatisfied 90% of the time.

I have been patient with it as I know it takes a while to get disciplined in. We have also addressed it between us and are both taking the necessary steps to make it better.

The thing that makes this worse is that he has what I feel is a small penis. This is something that I cannot speak to him about; I feel like it will hurt him, and feel guilty. But I feel doubly unsatisfied because of these reasons.

I have been reading and a lot of advice is that I should try and obtain pleasure in other ways, i.e my husband stimulates my clitoris, but I don’t find this helpful as I desire penetrative sex.

Also, I find a lot of advice caters for men’s needs and desires but not women's as they are from male ustaadhs.

I live with his parents and his family is very big. Even though they are nice to me, they have very backdated ways of thinking and this has made my home life very difficult. I have to cook and clean for a large family with no help on top of my full-time job, and looking after my own elderly and sick parents.

Sex is the cherry on top for me and I feel like I am now stuck. I am not getting any sort of pleasure from my marriage. I do not know what to do.

Praying and making dua will not get me to be sexually satisfied, but I continue to pray. I’m torn as I want to be with my husband but these issues are pulling me away from him.

What is your advice? I hope to hear from you soon.

ANSWER
In this counseling answer:

• I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level.

• It’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on.

• Learning how to be intimate does take some time and patience.

As Salaam Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing in with your most important and common concerns. You have been married to your husband for 8 months now, and you’re very happy with him (with one exception).

You stated that you chose your own spouse and you’re very pleased with his character and you love him very much. Additionally, you both get along very well.

Sexual Issues
The issue that you have brought to our attention is a relatively common issue with newly married couples and others who are going through different life changes. You state that your sex life isn’t enjoyable because he ejaculates quickly during lovemaking.

You also stated that you understood that it takes time for a man to get disciplined and learn how to control his ejaculation. Unfortunately, this leaves you unsatisfied 90% of the time.

As far as penis size is concerned you stated that you feel that he has a small penis. Whether this is true or not, it is an issue for you now so it should be addressed. Sister, it may be something that can be resolved via techniques, positions as well as time.

A lot of sexual pleasure a woman feels comes from the clitoris as you know. Some say the size of a man’s penis does not matter as the clitoral stimulation is what counts. However, there are others who feel the bigger the better.

I guess it’s just an individual choice. You desire to feel the full vagina intercourse which in sha’Allah can be attained over time with your body adapting to his as well as utilizing different techniques and positions.

I really would not recommend telling him this as yes, it would hurt his feelings and it would make him very self-conscious. As he is currently working on trying to build up his ejaculation time in order to better please you, this would be devastating.

Learning, Education & Creativity
Insha’Allah, sister, once you both get into a good sexual groove that is consistent and satisfying for you both, his penis size will no longer bother you. According to Medical News Today, “A 2015 study found the average erect penis length to be just over 5 inches (13.12 cm).

Some women may report discomfort if their sexual partner has a penis that is larger than average” and regarding vagina’s”the average depth of a vagina is about 3.77 inches, which is 9.6 centimeters (cm). Medical News Today also reported that “the average erect penis is about 33 percent longer than the average vagina.

While both penis and vagina sizes can vary, these organs can usually accommodate each other.”
Sister, it’s evident that he’s trying to learn how to control his ejaculation by taking breaks, stopping and then insha’Allah continuing in your lovemaking.

This is indicative of somebody who cares, one who is seeking to please his wife, as well as train his body to respond appropriately to a new experience.

Sister, you have only been married for 8 months. It is not a long time and combined with all the responsibility you have, please insha’Allah be patient.

I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level.

Make it a point to utilize online resources or read books to get tips on how to enhance your lovemaking as well as additional techniques for gaining control over ejaculation.

There is a lot of good information out there, however just be careful to only go on sites that are reputable and well known such as WebMD, etc.

It seems as if your husband is really willing to learn, and is trying to gain control over-rapid ejaculation. It’s a very common problem among men especially men who are not used to having sex. It does take some time and it does take some patience.

As you both get to know each other’s bodies, emotions, what feels good, what doesn’t -you will soon acclimate to each other’s needs and be able to attain an excellent sexual relationship insha’Allah. As you both love each other very much, I am sure you will find creative, sensual ways of satisfying each other (you mainly) until he can build up the stamina to last for long periods of time. Please do be patient with him, sister!

There are many ways to meet to be intimate and to please one another. You just have to get creative, open and do all things in a loving way.

Again, there are different books that are not haram that can help with methodology creativity and enhance intimate experiences if you don’t already know.

One book that is written by a Muslim woman for Muslim women is The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex by Umm Muladhat.

An article in Cosmopolitan magazine, which is mostly halal and offers good tips for women, is:  “Do You Have What It Takes to Conquer This 30-Day Sex Challenge? One month. Two people: Thirty days of boning”.

When you said that “I find a lot of advice caters for mens needs and desires but not women’s as they are from male ustaadhs” you were absolutely right! I did not find much, we need to change that.

A suggestion I would like to make in regards to communication is that it’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on.

Often times when husbands’ hear these things, it makes them try harder to please you in bed, extend foreplay as well as ensure that you are sexually satisfied. This works towards your advantage and well as the relationship over-all.

Over-Whelming Responsibilities
Regarding your family responsibilities, you have a lot to do, sister. Alhamdulillah his parents are very nice to you. While I’m not sure how many of his family members live there,  it seems to me that everybody should help out.

This would mean his sisters and his sisters-in-law would help cook and clean and take care of his parents, not just you. As you work full time, are newly married, you are looking after your own elderly, sick parents and trying to run a large household that is a lot of responsibility.

While there is no Islamic law that says you have to help take care of his parents, it is a blessing and a good thing that you do. May Allah reward you.

But again don’t overlook your own parents who you are obligated to take care of when they’re sick. You do need to reduce your workload though insha’Allah.

Sister, I suggest that you speak to your husband about this. In sha’Allah, write a schedule for your daily activities to include work, taking care of your parents, spending time with your husband, Islamic obligations, as well as cooking, cleaning at home with his parents.

Show your husband the schedule and explain to him that you love him and his family, but would appreciate help from his siblings. Ask him if they could help with some of the tasks.   Insha’Allah, he will understand and speak to his siblings.

When living in an extended family situation, it is always the best when everybody helps out, and not just one person is responsible for all. As you are new to the family it may be that they think you just want to do it all, or maybe it is expected.

In either case, you do want to help out as much as you can but at the same time, you don’t want to run yourself down with all of the work and responsibilities that you do have.

Conclusion
Insha’Allah sister, be patient with your husband concerning intimacy, he is learning as you are too. Explore ways in which you can achieve satisfaction with him; be creative and make it something fun to look forward to it will build closeness.

Speak to your husband about all of your responsibilities, seeking an option for other family members to help out. Keep a sight on the fact that you have found a wonderful husband but like every other relationship-nothing is perfect.All couples have things to work through. Insha’Allah with effort and prayer, things will begin to get better once these issues are resolved.