Committed Zina & Abortion, Need to Return to Allah

I do not know where to begin, I am a shameful Muslim. I am a disgrace to Islam, so ashamed of my bad deeds. I have committed Zina and had an abortion. It is not easy for me to put it all in writing but dear brother/sister I need some comforting words that will help me to sincerely repent and give me some hope of a better life as a Muslim. I need your advice I’ve wanted to talk about this for a very long time but I was too embarrassed now I have realized how important it is.

It was my biggest mistake which I hate to admit. I fell in love with a boy he says he love me too, he's a Muslim too, I pray sometimes, I used to pray all the time before, I used to pray for my family and his and pray for everyone my Iman used to be strong but my weakness is him. I am a good Muslim with a clean heart, I never wish for anyone to be harmed, I am always good to others I do good deeds I do my best to warn others of what the Shaytan is capable of because I regret what I have been doing, for letting the Shaytan take control over me, I do it so they don't go through what I'm going through. I even pray for those that hurt me every day, I pray for better days, I don't hurt anyone on purpose; I try my best to be good and kind to all human being.

Ever since I've been with him and when the sexual stuff had started between us I wanted to get out of it but there was no going back it was too late for me because we already had sex, I love him so much, we weren't thinking straight just knew we love each other and want each other and will be married. I am suffering a lot, so scared of the hell fire. I am scared for what we have done and what will happen to us. I want to repent and I want him to do as well. I want him to be a better person, he has done a few things behind my back but I have forgiven him. We've been together for over a year, I believed everything he said to me he promised me he will marry me, he introduced me to his family, I love him so much to let go, I want to marry him and only him, as I can't bear the thought of being married to another guy who would never be happy with me knowing I am not pure and for what I have done I will not be able to make that guy happy.

I'm afraid of losing the one I love he hasn't got a good family his parents are divorced and his mother remarried, my family is very respected, his dad is planning to let my family know about the situation, I'm scared my family will say no to the marriage and no to the wedding, I do not want that I have committed zina and have been pregnant with his baby, however, I could not keep my baby safe I had an abortion out of fear I did it for my family so they do not go through shame and embarrassment because of me, I feel so sick and guilty, can't even look into my parent’s eyes, I was good before never thought I’d become like this. It breaks my heart to look at my parents they deserve better. I wanted to keep my baby, my head was a mess. I am so hurt and ashamed of having sex before marriage and having to abort my baby that I do not want to live and definitely not with another guy. I call myself a murderer I killed my own child my first baby, he wanted the baby but we are not married yet I was too scared of what everyone will think what they will say.

I am so afraid of what will happen to me in the hereafter, I am afraid for him too. I care for him more than anything, took him as my husband from day 1 I know it's wrong but I did and still do. I so badly want us to be married as soon as possible so we won't have to stay like this. I do not like it and if there was a way for me to get back my virginity I would but I lost it already. It took me a lot of courage to come on this and admit to my sins. I love Allah (SWT) and our beloved prophet (SAW) so very much. I want to be a better Muslim.

My question is how do I make my marriage to this boy I love and care for work without any problems? What can I do to make this wedding work? Thank you.
ANSWER

Aliah F. Azmeh

In this counseling answer:

*Please know sister, that Allah  knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling, and there is no sin greater for Him (swt) to forgive, if you are sincere in your repentance.

• Reflect on yourself and what kind of a person you want to become.

*You need to continue to be true to what you have promised to Allah (swt) when you repented.

• Do not allow your feelings towards him to transform you into a prisoner of your own desires.

* About marriage, you first need to find out if this young man really is a good match for you or if you are just trying to convince yourself that he is.

As-Salam ‘Alaikum dear sister,  
Thank you for sending us your question. It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotions. You feel hurt, ashamed, confused, and most of all you feel guilty of the sins that you have committed. Please know sister, that Allah (swt) knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling, and there is no sin greater for Him (swt) to forgive. I ask Allah (swt) to help you see that and believe it.

karim serageldin & naaila clay
You are a young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. You meet a young man who “sweeps you off your feet” and you start to spend a lot of your time with him. Eventually, you start to sin with him and then you find yourself pregnant. To avoid further hurt and embarrassment for yourself and your family, you decide to have an abortion.

Now after all that is done, you are looking back to the events that have led you to this point in time, and you know that something is wrong. You know that you had transgressed Allah’s (swt) laws and feel terrible about it. You also should know that you have transgressed against your own self. Since the actions that you took were not done correctly, you are forced now to take responsibility for your actions. But it is not too late to fix things.

As mentioned before, Allah (swt) forgives all sins if you are sincere in your repentance. Confessing your sins to Allah (swt) and pouring your heart out to Him (swt) is the first step you need to do.

The second step, however, is more difficult and that is to continue to be true to what you have promised to Allah (swt) when you repented. In order to reach step two, the best thing for you to do is to take a step back and focus your time and energy on yourself from this point forward. You need to look at your life from a different perspective and make decisions on how you want to live from now on. You feel terrible about your actions in the past, but it seems you have made a decision that you do not want to fall into the same trap again. That is certainly the right decision, but now it’s up to you to make it happen.

Since you like this young man very much, the first thing that comes to your mind is to marry him. It seems like you are desperate for that to happen. By taking a step back, you first need to find out if this young man really is a good match for you or if you are just trying to convince yourself that he is.

Earlier in your question, you wrote “I want to repent and I want him to do as well. I want him to be a better person. He has done a few things behind my back, but I have forgiven him.” You mention that you want to start a new life, repent, and live as an upright Muslim, but it is not clear whether he wants to do the same. He also has done a few things in the past behind your back. What exactly did he do and what made you decide to forgive him? Did he just promise you that he wouldn’t do whatever he had done ever again, or did you actually witness a positive change within him?

Your body, mind, and soul are at stake here, and you need to be completely honest with yourself before continuing to pursue marriage with this young man. Now you have to ask yourself, “What would I do if he doesn’t repent or want to live the kind of life I want?” Will you leave him or will you stay with him hoping that he will change someday?

It is evident that you have very strong feelings towards this young man, but making a decision based on emotions only is not wise at this point. As mentioned earlier, take some time away from him without seeing him or contacting him and focus your attention on yourself and what will help you reach your goals of living a new life as an upright Muslim. Will he be supportive of this kind of lifestyle or not? During your time away from him, reflect on yourself and what kind of a person you want to become. Then reflect on your relationship with him and what good came out of it and what bad came out of it.

You need to answer these questions to yourself honestly and openly without being tainted with your emotions. Please do not be afraid of taking this time off away from him. This is absolutely vital for you to gain more clarity and direction in your decision. If this young man truly cared for you, then he would understand that you need to take time off away from him. He would also understand that you no longer want to continue a physical and romantic relationship with him unless it is halal. You should in no way feel pressured by him to compromise your values and lifestyle for his sake.

If you decide to marry him, then certainly you want to marry a person who is compatible with your lifestyle and values in order for a successful marriage. If you come up with the decision to marry this young man, then discuss it with your family and from that point forward have him contact your family and meet them. I would also highly encourage pre-marital counseling if you get that far and all parties are in agreement for this marriage to take place.

Check out this counseling video:

If after you take the time to reflect and you discover that this young man may not be the right match for you, please persevere and be patient with yourself to overcome whatever emotions come your way. It is difficult to overcome emotions of loss and hurt, but know that it will all pass and that you are making the right decision to end your relationship with him. Do not allow your feelings towards him to transform you into a prisoner of your own desires. Continue to strive for what will make you stronger and what will help you reach your goals, and then everything else will come in its right place at the right time.

I know that it is hard to believe a life without him with all the fears and embarrassment you feel at this point, but the truth is, it will pass. Put your trust in Allah (swt).

Salam,