Unveiling the Dark Secret: Sexual Addiction
A Counselor’s Approach
Tanya, a 25-year-old mom, wakes up ready for another day. She hears her two children giggling at a cartoon they are watching in the living room. It is early, 7am, but they are up and ready for their day.
Tanya yawns, stretches, and smiles as she thinks of the joy her children bring her. Her mind then quickly shifts back to her own childhood, one devoid of warmth, hugs and loving relations. In fact, her parents were distant and rigid, the only affection she recalls was when her grandmother came to visit and would spoil Tanya with candy, staying up late to play games, braiding her hair and talking and laughing into the night.
Grandma’s hugs always felt good, but Tanya only had her grandma for a short time in her life as she passed away when Tanya was 9. Tanya felt a tear drop, as she recalled her dear grandma, who was only in her life once or twice a year due to her living in another country. How she longed for her…
Her mind then snapped back to her hungry children awaiting her, and she said “I’m coming my love bugs!” Tanya jumped up out of bed and went into the living room. She swooped up the two children, ages 6 and 7 into her arms for a group hug, amidst laughter, and teasing squeals of “Oh Mom, not now!”
The children enjoyed their morning ritual with their mom, who promised herself long before she had children, that she would always be an affectionate, emotionally available mom when she had children, not like hers who was distant and cold.
After breakfast, the children washed and dressed and Tanya drove them to school. As she watched them walk through the door waving goodbye, tears fell down her cheeks. She felt so blessed to have such healthy, beautiful children, a wonderful, loving husband and a nice home. She was beloved at her Masjid for her kindness and helpful ways.
She was always cooking for Islamic events and took joy in seeing her sister’s smile when she brought in specials little gifts just for them during Ramadan. However, under her seemingly happy life, Tanya was often depressed, tormented by things she dare not share with any one.
The Hidden Part of Tanya’s Life
On her way home, Tanya looked at her watch, she was running late. As she weaved through traffic, she felt sudden pangs of guilt and was about to turn around and go home but somehow, she just could not. She pulled up to the tall yellow condo, parked and walked up to the door; she knocked lightly, and went in. Awaiting her at the table were fresh bagels, mangos, tea and freshly squeezed orange juice. She smiled at Mustafa, her lover and thanked him for his efforts.They made small talk while eating and then quickly made their way to his bedroom where they had sex for hours.
As Tanya made her way home, the tears fell hot and heavy. She hated herself for cheating on her husband, and worried about STD’s (sexually transmitted infection) as she only met Mustafa two weeks ago at a local club she goes to alone when her husband is away on business and her friend is available to watch the children.
Weeping, barely able to drive, she thought of all the men she has had sex with over the past six months. None of them she had known, just random strangers she met for the purpose of having sex. Six men? Maybe eight, she lost count. As she pulled in the driveway, she thought of the routine she would once again have to go through, the lying to her husband about not being able to make love because of cramps, until the testing for STD’s was done. At least she thought, I can control that, I won’t give him an STD.
She usually uses condoms, but this time she forgot. She was under stress from her job as a part time accountant and worried about pleasing her in-laws as they were coming in for Eid festivities. What if she didn’t please them, what if she messed up one of their favorite dishes? And then she had sad thoughts, her parents would not be there, as usual.
As Tanya cleaned the home, her thoughts wandered to her morning activities. She sat down and began to weep. She did not know why she did what she did, she had a loving husband who took care of her and the children. He was romantic and thoughtful and pleased her in bed. She had a home, children, nice friends and a wonderful Masjid. She tried to stop her behavior many times, which was not only risky in terms of STD’s, getting killed by a stranger, and hurting her husband, but it was a grave sin, and she knew it.
However, ever since she was 12, and introduced to deviant violent behaviors via an uncle who raped her-she changed. Soon after, Tanya began craving sex. She started with masturbation which increased during times of stress or depression and graduated into sexual intercourse with a stranger she met at the school’s library. When she saw him, she suddenly felt that familiar twinge below and smiled, he returned the smile, and they soon found themselves in the library bathroom, door locked, having sex in one of the stalls.
For Tanya, this was the beginning of an addiction she could not stop. It never fulfilled her sexually, but it dissipated her feelings of depression or stress for the moment. But soon after the act, when she was alone she would break down crying, then praying to Allah for forgiveness with all her heart. Even when she married she could not stop. She did for about a year after her marriage as she was busy with her new life, and her husband’s family was staying with them off and on. But soon after everyone left and she was alone with her thoughts, the craving began again.
Tanya at one point went to counseling after the birth of her child for mild postpartum depression. It crossed her mind to tell the counselor of her sexual behaviors, but she was too ashamed. Thus, the counselor found nothing unusual about her mental health status after assessment and treated her for mild hormonal based depression.
Reflecting back on her double life and her uncontrollable addiction, Tanya could not figure out why she did it, nor how to stop. Too ashamed to tell anyone, she lived her life in a hellish nightmare…
The Second story
Hassan was a 31-year-old man when he got married. He had a lovely, pious wife and a good job. They were living with his parents and things could not be better. Hassan thought getting married would be great for him as he had a strong sex drive. He struggled in the past from porno addiction, sexual affairs with many different women to even paying prostitutes for that insatiable high he feels when having sex.7eecdc4937
For him, sex is the ultimate. Hassan has even rushed out of business meetings to meet a coworker for a “quickie” in his private office, despite the risk of getting caught. Now married, Hassan has relaxed in the fact that this high sexual joy can be his in a halal way whenever he wants it.
For the first few months, things were wonderful. Hassan and his wife enjoyed each other in their private time and socially. His family and wife seemed to love each other as well and his enthusiasm at work picked up and he landed many new accounts.
About eight months into the marriage, Hassan found himself getting bored with his new wife. She no longer seemed exciting or appealing to him. In fact, he would often avoid making love to her as he could not get an erection. Additionally, his family started placing more pressure on him for more money as he now had an increase in pay and a new wife. Hassan began to worry about his feelings towards his wife, his inability to perform as well as the financial burden.
He found himself secretly watching porn, and after getting caught a few times by his wife, it led to arguments which ended with her saying that he didn’t love her, that she wasn’t attractive to him anymore and her going to her room crying. Hassan felt guilty for hurting his wife, however, he did not know what to do as part of what she said was true-the “thrill was gone”. He wondered how it could be gone so soon, and he did find her attractive, but not in the exciting way he was used to.
Hassan soon reverted back to his secret sexual encounters during the days and nights, as well as watching porn at work as it was too risky at home. He needed this, he rationalized, and although he knew the risks, he could not stop this need. His work performance started to go down, and he spent more and more time away from home to avoid his wife and the questions his family had, now that he was married, had an unhappy wife and didn’t seem to care.
One day while at work, Hassan was watching a porn movie with a female friend whom he has a sexual relationship with. He brought her to his office on the premise that she was a potential client for the company and they were discussing a contract. As she began to perform oral sex on him, the CEO walked in to join the conference. Hassan, shocked as he thought he locked the door, was left speechless, ashamed and shocked as the CEO in a fury, fired him, as the “friend” scrambled for her clothes and ran out the door.
Hassan now jobless and shamed, walked to the park. He cried. He remembered Allah SWT and prayed and cried for help.
In the next part, Dr Aishah will reflect on the 2 above cases, explaining different models of sexual addictions from scientific and Psychological point of view and exploring causes, Symptoms and ways of treatment.
Why You Should Stop Cheating Online – Infidelity Issues
Infidelity in Marriage: Part 1
Ibrahim was using the computer more often, especially during the evening when people were asleep. Asiyah felt disappointed that she kept going to sleep alone. Her husband seemed emotionally withdrawn, but she kept telling herself he must be busy with work.
Ibrahim began keeping his phone close to him while keeping the screen away from prying eyes. Asiyah decided to bake Ibrahim his favorite cookies as a surprise. Bringing it to him in his office with some coffee, she was smiling and felt hopeful he would be happy.
Opening the door, she saw him on his headphones talking to someone on the computer. He didn’t notice her enter. Asiyah didn’t want to startle him during his conversation. She quietly set his surprise down behind him and moved to tap him gently on his shoulder.
As she got closer to him her eyes widened and filled with tears, on the screen in front of her were indecent pictures of a woman and a chat window filled with flirtations. She ran out of the office, her heart racing as it broke and she sobbed loudly.
10 Steps to Become the Man of Her Dreams
10 Steps to Become the Man of Her Dreams
In this age of technology, so much is just a click away. We can study for a degree online, learn recipes from foreign cultures and connect with family across the ocean in different countries. This is a blessing, but it also means temptation is just a click away.
A Too Common Story…
Now more than ever, it is too easy to betray your spouse and commit emotional, online infidelity. Some websites even specialize in pairing up married people with others that want to cheat on their spouse.
A sister can be clothed in a beautiful niqab, but if she is online flirting with men other than her husband, she lacks modesty.
A brother might display piety with his long beard and perfect recitation, but if he is sending messages to women other than his wife complimenting how beautiful their eyes are then he is falling into zina.
The internet is a test of our integrity, doing the right thing even when we think no one is watching. Of course we know that we are never truly alone and every deed we perform, good or bad, is being recorded by the angels next to us.
Is an Online Relationship Zina?
Some people will argue that it is not zina because they are not touching, as if this is somehow morally acceptable or the lesser of two evils. Firstly, it is shameful for anyone no matter what religion they are, to try and justify betraying your spouse. The fact that some people claim this shows we have to discuss it.
In accordance with Shariah, zina can be committed by the eyes, ears, tongue, hands and feet. It is not limited to sexual intercourse. Even staring at someone of the opposite gender is a form of zina by the eyes, hence Quran commands men to lower their gaze as part of their modesty.
The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.”
[Muslim]
This does not mean that committing online zina is in the same league as having sexual intercourse. It is a stepping stone towards that grave sin and it is absolutely haram without exception. Especially if we consider the statistic that 40% of online affairs result in meeting up in person.
And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way”
[Quran 17:32]
Impact of Online Affairs on Family
An online affair destroys trust in a relationship. Every time that person smiles at their phone or takes an extra moment to read an email, the other person will wonder. It is not unusual for the person cheated on to question how many affairs they don’t know about. And what other types of betrayal are happening?
All it takes is one affair to break years’ worth of trust and it may never be regained.
Healing from an online affair requires communication. But once trust has been damaged those two people may never communicate effectively again. A marriage without trust and communication is doomed.
Online affairs also cause feelings of anxiety and thoughts like “I am not pretty enough to keep his attention” or “I must not be good enough as a husband”. It can bring down that person’s self-esteem as if they start to internalize blame for the sins committed by their spouse.
We know from Quran that a soul does not bear the burdens and sin of another soul, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt them so deeply that they begin to wonder if they could have prevented it.
Anger is often an accompaniment to sadness; it is one of the stages of grief. The spouse might begin to lash out and say horrible things to the person that cheated on them. They might even seek some type of revenge. This creates a back and forth cycle of pain that harms both spouses.
Online Affairs Hurt Children
Children will be hurt. If nothing else stops someone from cheating on their spouse, the fact it will hurt their own children and potentially damage their child’s marriage in the future should cause someone to think twice.
When a marriage is struggling, the children are always hurt no matter how hard we try to protect them. They will feel sadness, they will feel confusion and they may very well feel anger at their parents.
I Caught Him Watching Porn; I Can’t Trust Him Anymore
I Caught Him Watching Porn; I Can’t Trust Him Anymore
Imagine if a little girl knows that her dad keeps betraying mom and mom takes it. That is the example of a husband and wife she grows up with. In such scenarios, the girl would be at a higher risk of marrying a husband that will also hurt her because that is the example her parents set.
If you are a father or a mother, always remember your children will emulate your own example no matter if you tell them not to. If you cheat on your spouse, your children may grow up to be adulterers or allow their spouse to betray them, and you cannot ignore your hand in that.
In Part 2 “Learning How to Heal and Trust Again after Cheating ” we discuss spouses spying on each other.
Learning How to Heal and Trust Again after Cheating
Infidelity in Marriage: Part 2
27 May, 2020
Editor’s note:
In this series, the writer discusses a very serious issue, which is online cheating or extramarital relationships.
In the first part, she analysed the negative impacts such issues may have on marriage. In this part, she explains how a couple can move on and heal after cheating.
Is It Okay to Spy on Your Spouse Online?
Perhaps you suspect infidelity by your spouse, is it okay for you to login to their email and social media?
Infidelity Issues & Why You Should Stop Cheating Online
Why You Should Stop Cheating Online - Infidelity Issues
Some of you might say yes it is justified, but in truth Islam does not permit us to spy on one another.
If you are at that point where you feel as though you have to break into their private accounts, then you already stopped trusting them and are not communicating.
Consider for a moment the shame you will feel if you realize they did nothing wrong and now you have to explain to them how you went behind their back to spy.
It is a better choice to speak honestly and openly with them about your feelings or contact a therapist. In a truly trusting relationship, both partners know the passwords of the other and feel no need to use them.
“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.”[Quran 49:12]
How to Heal Your Marriage after Cheating
If you have already been cheated on or perhaps you were the cheater, it is possible to heal your marriage and move forward. I won’t sugarcoat this; it will be very difficult and require effort from both sides. Betrayal can stay within someone’s heart for years, for some they can never let it go.
1. Stop the affair completely
That other person must become metaphorically dead to you. If it happened on social media, delete your accounts associated with them.
Blocking them is not enough, you can easily unblock them in a moment of weakness and you have already shown that you lack self-control online. What is more important to you, sharing Facebook videos or saving your marriage?
2. Accept responsibility
Take accountability of your actions and genuinely apologize without blaming anyone else for your own choices. We have free will, it was a choice to have an affair and healing requires accountability.
3. Communicate honestly
This one can get very emotional and raw. Questions might be asked that cause an explosion of painful emotions, but it has to come out and both sides need to be completely honest. If you cannot become honest, nothing will heal.
4. Don’t force forgiveness
This is not a time to start quoting ayas about mercy and expecting your spouse to instantly forgive you. Put yourself in their shoes, would you be able to easily forgive this type of betrayal? It will take time, a lot of time.
Trying to rush this healing process will only slow it down. If you were the one betrayed, do not think that just because you are sitting down to talk it out means you are required to forgive them or put on a timeframe.
Learning How to Heal and Trust Again after Cheating - About Islam
5. Discuss why it happened
The affair is not the fault of the one who was betrayed, but in order to move forward both sides need to understand why this occurred in the first place.
Was one of the spouses feeling neglected and unloved because the other never talked to them and they went elsewhere for validation? Was one of the spouses feeling unloved because they were always being rejected sexually?
These situations do not excuse their actions, but if you seek to understand the other person’s perspective it will help you move forward in healing and prevent future heartbreak.
6. Seek out an Islamic marriage counselor
Although it is possible to do this on your own, it will greatly help if you can bring a therapist into this.
You can find a wealth of marriage counselors online and in person, but I strongly recommend you find someone that comes from a background of Islamic Psychology not just secular psychology.
You may have noticed communication seems to come up more than once in that list. As mentioned above, a marriage requires trust and communication. These are basic building blocks to any relationship.
In order to rebuild your trust, it will require honest and consistent communication. Perhaps if you two had communicated honestly in the beginning, this never would have happened.
Final Thoughts
It’s a reality that online world has opened up a lot of temptations which are easy to access. If you suspect infidelity or something wrong with your spouse, communicate with them and let them know how you feel.
Although it is a challenge to heal and rebuild a marriage after cheating, but it is not impossible. Such mistakes change marriages, they might never go back to how they were, but with real work, forgiveness and patience they can become stronger.
Couples can develop a more mature bond if they truly work on repairing and rebuilding their marriage.