This article deals with the erroneous parental behavior patterns in reaction to children’s mistakes. The majority of parents react to these mistakes, at the time they are made, with anger and the desire to exact retribution from the child, under the pretext of discipline. This is especially true when the mistake is recurrent, and, more precisely, when the parent has admonished the child not to make that mistake again; here, the catastrophe takes place.
What is the correct way to establish channels of communication between us and our children?
Should we deal with them unreservedly so that they lose respect for us?
Or, should we keep a distance between us and them so that they fear us?
Can you hold a successful dialogue with your child?
Should a child be punished for something he does not regard as a mistake? Or, is his opinion insignificant?
Do parents believe in the necessity and importance of having a quiet dialogue with their child?
Do you utilize your authority as a parent to impose your opinion on your children when you want to end the discussion?
How could you express your feelings of love and affection in the absence of any channel of dialogue and contact between you and your child?
A clear policy of dealing with children is necessary, not only when mistakes are made, but also when the child is rewarded for doing something right. Strong and continuous channels of communication should be opened to provide a safe haven for the children to resort to for consultation and advice when they need it, and for the parents to utilize when there is a need for guidance to change a certain behavior, create a new pattern of behavior, or do a certain job.
Here are some guidelines on how to change or create new patterns of behavior among the youth. However, it is noteworthy to say that children, who, in the past, used to listen to parental commands and hasten to implement them, are no longer the same. Today's child needs an affectionate and delicate method of communication, in order to facilitate understanding and be convinced.
Guidelines for changing patterns of behavior
1- Sitting with him: how, when and where?
2- Kindness and leniency.
3- Make him feel safe and secure.
4- Note that this is a dialogue (between the two of you) and not a set of commands (from you to him).
5- Listen to him attentively.
6- Give him freedom of choice.
7- Reward for achievement and punishment for negligence
8- Keep the door open: so that he can come approach us (at any time).
9- Supplication.
10- A compassionate parental touch and a motivating word.
Let us, in this article, address in detail the first four guidelines towards behavioral change and creating new patterns of behavior among our children.
1- Sitting with him: how, when and where?
Do you wish to benefit your child or terrorize him?
The answer to this question contributes to determining the form, time and place of sitting. According to educationalists, there are three forms of sitting:
a- The “from above” session in which you are sitting and the child is standing in front of you, and you are giving instructions. This is the posture of the teacher. The message he receives from this form of communication is the following: "You had better understand, for I have more knowledge than you." This form will not achieve the desired purpose. Rather, the child’s attention will be focused on how to answer you, or he will listen to you without any interest in what you are saying.
b- The “from below” session, in which you are standing while he is sitting. This is the posture of the investigator. The message the adolescent receives from this form of communication is: "Listen (and obey) because I am stronger than you. I can beat you at any moment", especially when the father is turning round the sitting child and pacing about him without stopping. This method, also, is not successful, for the child is braced to receive a strike from any direction, or is disturbed by your non-stop movement.
c- The parallel session, which is the posture of the friend in which you are both either standing or sitting. This gives the child or adolescent a feeling of reassurance, comfort and even love, which causes him to hasten to listen to you attentively, talk to you frankly, and respond powerfully to what is right.
When do you sit with him?
Choose a suitable time in which both of you are not engaged in anything else, and seek to make the duration of the session sufficient for the topic at hand, and do not make it at mealtime or bedtime.
Where do you sit with him?
Choose a familiar place out of sight of other people, and not the same place where the problem occurred. It is preferred to be outside the house, and to change the venue from time to time.
2- Kindness and leniency
It is narrated on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, that she said, "The Messenger of Allah said: 'Never is kindness found in anything but that it beautifies it, and never is it taken from anything but that it distorts it.'" [Muslim] This is indicated by the quiet relaxed tone of voice, facial expressions and patience during the dialogue.
3- Give him a feeling of safety
In order for an adolescent to express himself clearly, truthfully and forcefully, he has to feel secure and not under threat, and that what he is going to say about himself, which may injure him, will not be used against him after that, by putting him to shame in front of other people, or his family and friends. He has to feel that the purpose of that session is nothing other than the desire for reform and guide him towards a good habit.
4- Note that this is a dialogue (between the two of you) and not a set of commands (from you to him).
The term “dialogue” means exchange of conversation between two parties. Whether it pertains to a problem that we are trying to outlaw, or a good behavior that we seek to implant, some proscriptions in this respect should be observed, including:
a- Not to pick on mistakes.
The adolescent cannot often express himself well with words. He sometimes uses inaccurate words which may be misunderstood. So, be eager to inquire about the intended meaning of ambiguous words, and do not give words different meanings. That is, make your child feel he is secure and not fearful of the consequences of his words.
b- Beware of destroying the dialogue
That is, by using such frustrating words as: "What have you got to say after what you have done?” “This is useless” “You must be dreaming!” “Impossible!” “You are hopeless!" “This does not make sense” “No one in his right mind would say that.”
The parents’ dictionary is filled with many similar expressions which are sufficient to damage any hope for a constructive dialogue.
In the second part of this article, we will address the remainder of the ten points and guidelines to change our children’s behavioral patterns.
In this article, we will complete the guidelines of behavioral change to be followed so that we can make a real change in the behavior of our children, and convince them to help us make that change.
5- Listen to him attentively.
In order for the adolescent to tell you about what is in his/her mind, you have to listen to him/her well to the end. By so doing, you would be able to make an accurate assessment of the situation, on the basis of which you would suitably direct him/her to the right course of action. You should note that Allah The Almighty has created two ears and one mouth for you so you can listen twice as much as you talk.
The skill of listening should be learnt, and there are ways to express to the adolescent that he is being listened to well, including:
1- To look attentively but not staring in the face of the adolescent.
2- To show understanding of what he is saying, by nodding the head and employing simple facial expressions showing the emotions, positively or negatively.
3- To reduce any factors that may interrupt the talk, such as to look at or engage oneself with something else other than the adolescent, or getting up to do something and then returning to him, or any similar action.
Here, the correct understanding of the meaning of the words the child or adolescent should be accurately verified, by raising the following questions which imply attention on the one hand, and confirm the correct understanding on the other hand:
1- Give me an example to illustrate what you want to say.
2- How do you feel about this situation? What would you like to do?
3- What is the significance of this word/movement/behavior?
4- How important is this incident?
5- Do you have anything else to say?
6- Give him freedom of choice
If you want to get a good outcome from the dialogue, let your child actually share it with you.
Why do you not give him an opportunity to share his opinion even in the manner in which he will be punished for his mistake and negligence?
Areas of choice:
A - The way of solving the problem
B - The amount, kind and duration of punishment
C - The amount and kind of reward, and how it is obtained
D - How to implement your command.
Beware of humiliating the adolescent, or dashing his hopes and ambitions on the rock of reality. Give the adolescent an opportunity to dream and try to realize his dream. Help him move forward, and do not frustrate him. Beware of accusing him of stupidity and lack of understanding.
To the parents who are "specialized" in ruining hopes and ambitions I say: Lift your hands from your children. If you do not support them in their hopes, at least, do not help the devil in ruining them and destroying their ambitions and dreams.
7- Reward for achievement and punishment for negligence
What is intended here is to teach the adolescent that there is no action without a corresponding reaction: if he does well, he will be rewarded; and if he does badly, he will be punished.
Rewarding is to give the adolescent what he likes and wishes for in a way that is equal to the work he has done. Similarly, the forms of punishment should be determined, such as to forbid him from something he likes, punish him with a verbal reproach or corporal punishment within the due limits of the Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation), look at him (with a disapproving look), deprive him of some rights especially those promised to be given to him as a reward for achievement.
8- The door is open so come to us (at any time you like)
Since the gate of repentance will remain open until the sun rises from its place of setting, then, why should we close the gate of atonement in the face of our children? Why do we reject their repeated attempts at reform, but instead hasten to have them lose all hope?
9- Supplication
You should keep in mind that your invocation (of evil) upon your child is responded to by Allah The Almighty, as stated in the Prophetic Hadeeth (narration). What, then, would the case be if it is a supplication of good for him? Thus, do not let this opportunity escape you, but stick to it and persevere instead.
You should have a good assumption of your Lord that He will respond to you (as confirmed by Him in His Saying what means): {And your Lord Says: "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."} [Quran 40:60]
