Some wives complain, in their messages, that their husbands do not bother to do any chores related to the family, whether inside or outside the house, even if it is a routine or simple matter, and this, of course, makes them feel sad, hurt and frustrated.

Dear Muslim husband and wife,

To help with the housework is one of the emotional requirements of the wife. It creates a feeling of peace and happiness within the house. This help includes, for instance, cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, cleaning the house and taking care of the children.

In the beginning of the marriage, the husband automatically co-operates with his wife in the housework; a help which she welcomes.

But with the passage of time, and with the husband’s increasing engagement in his work outside the house, neither the husband nor the wife regard it as an important emotional requirement, and at that point, the countdown of the time bomb starts.

When the children come, the needs automatically increase: there is a need to increase the income and to bear more household responsibilities.

While the mother focuses on the needs of the infant, the father’s natural reaction to help takes the form of providing more money, which makes him mainly concerned with his work: he searches for overtime at work in the hope of increasing his salary.

Here, many disputes take place between the spouses, especially when the wife is a working woman, and is exposed to the same pressure that the husband is exposed to.

This can be avoided if both spouses tackle the issue with love and intelligence. Failing this, the reserves of the bank of love will suffer.

Most husbands do not help with the housework, whether or not their wives work. The working wives return home exhausted and unable to do the housework in the best manner, which means that a lot of work in the house remains undone.

Such women hardly rest, even on holidays: they spend all their time taking care of their children, cleaning the house and doing the laundry. They then need help with the housework, which forces them to resort to external help from maids, in order to be able to cover that emotional need. Running the household and fulfilling the husband’s demands contribute in increasing her share in his bank of love; and vice versa, i.e. helping the wife contribute in increasing his share in her bank of love.

Shared responsibilities

Both the man and woman have a role to play and responsibility to bear in the house. Good companionship between them requires that they should co-operate in these responsibilities. Among the most important responsibilities due upon the woman is to dispose of the household affairs, and nurture the children.

These responsibilities, though borne by the woman for the most part, should be shared between the spouses according to the principle of co-operation.

The emotional needs of both the woman and the man

Confidence and care are among the emotional needs of both the man and woman.

When the wife has confidence in her husband’s capability, he becomes more eager to care for and serve her. Similarly, when the husband cares for his wife, she becomes more confident of him and of his capabilities.

The joy of sharing

Successful spouses are those who share in doing many simple things, like planning for the future, arranging the library, cooking a quick meal, making arrangements for something related to the children, and other such simple tasks which contribute to the kind treatment and affection between them. Thus, each of the spouses feels happy and contented on seeing his/her partner beside him, sharing his/her joy and grief, and not leaving him/her. A successful life is based on the principle of give and take, love and reassurance that there is someone who supports the person and will always be by his side no matter what happens.

Emotional contentment

The family’s beauty is reflected in the co-operation between the spouses in carrying the burdens of life. At times, the husband sacrifices and serves his wife, and the wife does the same at other times and serves her husband.

Service is not the exclusive characteristic of one of the spouses without the other: both spouses are partners in it. The best way to treat a woman is if her husband sympathizes with her regarding the housework, and assists her in this regard. If a woman, who is a housewife devotes her effort and energy to the service of her husband and children, and, at the same time, receives neither encouragement nor appreciation, she will fall a victim to frustration and intense emotional deprivation. This is why the Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, took this into consideration. He never obligated his wives with the burden of his service. He used to serve himself, and hasten to help his wives, to the extent that he would put his leg forward for one of them to mount a camel.

A man’s awareness of this fact, good treatment and service of their wives has an impressive effect on their spiritual tranquility and emotional stability. This causes the woman to receive her husband in a state of utmost happiness and contentment, no matter how destitute and poor they might be.

It is narrated on the authority of As-Siddeeqah (‘Aa’ishah), daughter of As-Siddeeq (Abu Bakr), may Allah be pleased with them, the wife of the best of creation, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, that she said, describing his conduct in his house, “He used to keep himself busy serving his family.” [Al-Bukhari] “He, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to sew his garments, stitch his sandals, and do all things that men do in their homes.” [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]

It is narrated on the authority of Al-Aswad  that he said: I asked ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, about what the Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to do at home, thereupon she said, “He used to keep himself busy serving his family, and once the prayer was due, he would come out for the prayer.” [Al-Bukhari]

It is narrated on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, that she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to do at home, thereupon she said, “He was a human being like other human beings. he used to take out lice from his garment, milk his sheep and serve himself.” [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]

The Hadeeth (narration) indicates, if not exhorts men to serve their families. The noblest of creation used to sew his garment and stitch his sandals! So, why do you, my brother, not follow his example, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and join your wife in the service of the house, like washing the dishes and other chores, even if not on a regular basis? Whilst doing so, you should remember the statement of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, “The Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to keep himself busy serving his family.” That, to be sure, has the most impressive effect in increasing the ties of affection and mercy between the spouses.

Although he was the Prophet of Allah, sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam, and the head of the Muslim state, he found the time to serve his household. What a great tutor he is!

If you are not doing so already, dear brother, I invite you to start sharing household duties with your wife, and please her, even with a little work in the house. Although she may not let you do so, she will surely appreciate your endeavor and this will increase her respect for you. Rather, she would hasten to do the work instead of you but with great happiness, and the feeling that all her tiredness is gone, after she learns that you appreciate her service in the house. With mere appreciation (of her service) and a little work, your happiness at home will become enduring and your leadership will be secure.

The husband’s role

The husband should co-operate with his wife at home through:

1- Personally helping his wife in the responsibilities of the house.

He should contribute towards the household chores with his wife as much as lies within his capacity. The Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to keep himself busy serving his family, and so did the Companions, may Allah be pleased with them. Since the Messenger of Allah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, practiced this, then, it becomes incumbent upon any other husband to act in accordance with his Sunnah (tradition), sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.

2- Reducing his demands and not blaming the wife for deficiency.

It is not considered good treatment if the husband makes too many demands on his wife in serving him and his household, neither should he take her to task harshly in case she falls short.

3- Determining the household responsibilities:

Have you told your husband that his helping you with the housework makes you love him more? Help with the housework can become a means to fulfill other emotional needs which the other party needs to be reminded of.

Before housework turns into a cause of dispute between the spouses, we suggest imposing the policy of shared agreement, and sitting together to solve the basic problems. What is required now is:

1- A quiet night and psychological readiness


2- Paper and a pen


3- Smiles and patience

In this atmosphere, each of the spouses should determine the tasks to be done by him/her. The housework may be divided into:

1- Tasks you like to do and do not need any help to do them.


2- Tasks you are satisfied with but need the help of the other party


3- Tasks you regard as the responsibility of the other party alone


4- Tasks of the other party in which you are willing to help.

Then, each party is required to show his/her agreement or disagreement on those items. In this way, the responsibilities are determined, and each party is held responsible for the tasks he/she has agreed to do.

In this way, both spouses can care for the feelings of each other, and bring happiness to one another. When a married couple holds a discussion, they should observe the following tips:

1- To be nice and pleasant during the discussion


2- To be calm, first of all, and stay away from belligerent behavior


3- A dead end does not mean that the discussion is over, but that it should be postponed to avoid a clash


4- To make sure to put yourself in the place of the other party.

You may also make a special list for the children of the chores they can do, so that they would learn how to bear their share of the responsibility for doing the housework.

In conclusion

Try to help your wife in some of the housework in order to make her feel that you care about her, and that you appreciate her efforts. Ask her to rest and not do any housework if she is tired, and do that work yourself instead of her. Of a surety, this increases the affection and mercy between you, keeps the river of love flowing, and raises your share in her bank of love.

Your little bit of work at home is like salt in the food. So, share in the housework even if it is just a little, out of appreciation and acknowledgement of the great service your wife does for you, perchance you would spur her to work willingly and relentlessly, and her body and soul will be at your disposal without complaint.