Learn why it is so important to talk to your child about sexuality from an Islamic perspective, and how you can help take the lows out of growing-up.

Talking to teenager about sexuality

Your child has just turned 11 years old; over time you begin to notice subtle changes in the way that she looks, acts, and talks. Her body begins to show signs of maturation, she is rather moody, and conversations with her seem to be more adult-like. Your child, or rather ‘young lady’, is just now entering the first stages of puberty and experiencing the wonderful changes that it brings. As a parent, it is important to prepare your child for this phase of life, and it is also crucial from the Islamic perspective. Once she has reached puberty, she will no longer be considered a child free of responsibility. Instead, she will be an adult with all of the obligations of Islam placed upon her. Spiritually, her relationship with Allah will grow and develop, and she will be accountable for all of her choices, actions, and intentions.

Although we are able to train our youth for the religious and spiritual aspects of this phase, we often neglect to teach them about another important element – sexuality. Our neglect may be due to shyness, discomfort, fear, or worry, but it is something that must be done for the sake of our youth. Young adult Muslims have actually related that they wished someone (i.e., a parent, relative, Imaam) would have spoken to them about the Islamic perspective on sexuality and dealing with the opposite gender. They have so many questions about this new passage in their life, but are often afraid to ask. It is imperative that Muslim parents discuss with and educate their youth on this issue; otherwise their child may turn to other sources that are likely to be un-Islamic. It is actually the responsibility of parents to undertake this task, as it is part of the overall education, or training of a child. We must also consider how much our involvement will benefit our youth, because adequate preparation for the changes they are about to experience will lessen their worry, anxiety, and fear.

What should you say?

The following are some key points to consider when imparting information about sexuality to youth, and are also good points to draw on when discussing it with them.

1. Sexuality is a beautiful gift from Allah

Sexuality is a blessing given to us from Allah, Almighty. It is obviously for the purpose of procreation, but it is a mercy from Allah, Almighty, that there is also enjoyment and satisfaction that comes with it. The relationship between man and woman in all spheres highlights Allah’s Graciousness. Allah, Almighty, Says (what means): “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Quran 30: 21]

Thus, sexuality is one component in a loving and affectionate relationship between husband and wife. It is not something shameful or disgraceful, but is rather part of Allah’s wondrous, universal plan.

2. Sexuality is a test and also a responsibility

Although sexuality is a gift from Allah, along with many other things in life, it is also a test and it entails responsibility. Allah, Almighty, determines, at the age of puberty, that an individual is ready for this test. The test determines whether or not a person will submit to Allah and His laws in this sphere of life. To pass this test, the satisfaction of one’s sexual urge must be fulfilled in pure and legitimate ways (within the bond of marriage); to fail the test is to engage in illegitimate sexual relations and those actions and thoughts leading up to it. There are strict guidelines in the Sharee’ah (Islamic Law) for our sexual life, even in relation to other issues such as Hijab, privacy and our social behavior. Many of these are a means of prevention, which is the most effective mechanism. This matter is a very serious one, and should be treated as such, for the consequences are quite severe if it is neglected.

3. Sexuality and marriage are inseparable

To assist in successful completion of the test, Allah, Almighty, through His Mercy, has provided legitimate means to satisfy sexual desire. Marriage is strongly emphasized in Islam for this reason (as well as many others) as indicated in the following Prophetic narrations. The Prophet  said: “Whoever marries has completed half of his faith; so let him have fear of Allah in the remaining half.” [At-Tabaraani] He  also said: “He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him to lower his gaze (from looking at forbidden things and other women) and save his private parts (from committing illegal sexual acts) and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to observe fasting, as fasting will diminish his sexual power.” [Al-Bukhari]

Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual outlet and as a shield and protection from immorality. Marriage should not be postponed, as is common practice in this time, particularly if the youth has strong sexual desire. The fulfillment and satisfaction of this desire is one of the main purposes of marriage, and it should not be postponed or suppressed for the sake of further education or reaching a certain age, especially if the temptation for illicit relations is present.

 

Marital happiness resembles the honey produced by two bees; the greater their efforts are, the sweeter it will be. There is ‎no doubt that marital happiness is the ‎responsibility of both spouses and this necessitates the existence of ‎love between them.‎

At the same time, we say that the happy house does not only depend on ‎love, but also the spirit of tolerance must be present. Marriage in the sight of Islam means psychological tranquility, spiritual comfort, and heartfelt harmony as well as cooperation between the two spouses to make the permanent journey of life together.

The Quran describes the marital relationship in the most eloquent way saying (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.} [Quran 30:21]

This affection and cordiality can solve any problem, and there will be problems between lovers who love each other sincerely, and not just because of personal interests.

This is a call for cordiality and love between the spouses and a call for overlooking faults.

How can we achieve cordiality and harmony between the spouses?

We can achieve cordiality and harmony through the following stages:

- Kind mutual frankness has a magical influence on marital life.

- Ask your wife to sit next to you and embrace her along with giving her looks and touches that express your love and longing for her. Treat your wife kindly and she will do the same to you. Make her feel that you favor her over yourself and that you are keen on making her happy and maintain her health. Let her know that you sacrifice for her sake when she is sick, for example.

- Play with your wife and joke with her to arouse her feelings and emotions towards you. Learn from the Prophet  who said: “It is better to marry a virgin who plays with you and you play with her.” [Al-Bukhari]

- Even ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, who was an example of seriousness and prudence said, “One should be like a boy among his family [i.e. in terms of cordiality and kindness], but when he deals with the people, he should be a man.”

- The wife should receive her husband heartily after adorning herself and applying good perfume.





- Look at the faults of your husband with the eyes of a lover, because this will make you see his mistakes as trivial faults.

- Be quiet when your husband gets angry and later speak with him about what he did and rebuke him cordially.

- I advise the husband to always be calm and avoid anger, because anger causes hatred. If you have wronged your wife, apologize to her, and never spend a night while you are angry with her or with her shedding tears. Always remember that what made you angry is only a trivial matter that does not deserve to disturb your marital life. Seek refuge with Allah The Almighty from the accursed devil and try to be calm. Always bear in mind that the bonds of love between you and your wife are too pure to be blemished by a temporary outrage.

- Dear wife, keep yourself busy with satisfying your husband to receive what pleases you. A Bedouin woman said to her daughter, “Be his bondmaid, and he will be your slave.”


Umm Salamah, may Allah be pleased with her, reported that the Messenger of Allah  said: "Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise.” [At-Tirmithi]

- Always call him “My darling” and tell him that you love him, because this is not for lovers but rather for spouses.

- If you are a working woman, do not allow the problems of work disturb the relationship between you and your husband. Leave all the problems associated with your work in your workplace and return home without any concerns.

- Dear husband, if you dislike anything in your wife, remember her good qualities to get rid of any bad feelings towards her. Remember the Hadeeth in which the Prophet  said: “A believer should not hate a believing woman (i.e., his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics he would be pleased with another.”


So, try to overlook the negative aspects in the personality of your wife and remember that she has many other good aspects to make up for this negative aspect.

- Make your wife feel that she is safe and you will never let her down or abandon her.

- Deal with your wife’s behavior and mistakes with forbearance and away from any hostile behavior.

- Do not insult your wife because insults would be deeply engraved in your wife’s heart and mind. The most dangerous abuses that may not be forgiven by your wife are to lose your temper and beat her or curse her family or raise doubts about her chastity.

- “You are a wonderful woman, but….” Avoid this style of praise, because your wife will forget everything and only remember the “but”.

 

Here, we want to pose the following question: Do harmony and cordiality between the spouses affect the life of the family members?

To answer this question, we should mention the importance of cordiality and harmony in the life of the family:

- Harmony strengthens the relationship between the man and woman and increases the husband’s wish to get close to his wife.

- Harmony and cordiality refreshes the marital life and renews the love of the spouses every day.

- It increases the husband’s respect for the family of his wife and vice versa.

- Harmony and cordiality spread tranquility in the house.

- Harmony makes both spouses realize their roles in the true sense of the word as a husband and a father for the man and as a wife and a mother for the woman.

- Harmony and cordiality renew the faith-boosting environment in the home, refine the souls and strengthen the relationship with Allah The Almighty.

- Harmony and cordiality improve the relationship between the spouses and their friends and relatives.

- Harmony and cordiality enable the parents to treat the problems of the children wisely and calmly away from hostility and anger.

- Harmony and cordiality improve the psychological stability of the children and their relationship with and attachment to their parents. In this way, they will seek help and support from their parents when they face any problem.

- Harmony and cordiality decrease the amount of disagreements with the children and achieve mutual understanding between children and parents. Likewise, the children’s educational achievements will improve.

May Allah The Almighty provide all Muslim families with the harmony to lead happy lives.