Those moments of intimacy and sexuality with your spouse, those special moments when no matter how much noise might be outside of the window, you are only aware of each other. That deep connection which is connected to your trust, vulnerability, emotions and your faith.
Sex , when done in an ethical and halal manner, can not only be connected to your spirituality it can be a spiritual boost. For far too long, people have associated religion and spirituality with caged sexuality and something shameful. As if religious followers are not allowed to enjoy intimacy and they are limited only to missionary with the lights off.
Sexuality does not diminish one’s modesty nor is it inappropriate for a woman to be highly sexual. One can still maintain modesty while being completely the opposite in the bedroom.
Some take the stance sex is meant for creating children and nothing more, but I do not know of any religion that truly condemns sexuality as some shameful act. Sure, many religions have conditions surrounding sexuality such as they state it cannot occur till after marriage or restrictions are put on engaging in sex during a woman’s menses, but this does not mean sexuality is shameful or discouraged. It simply means it has a correct place and time, it is not a free for all.
“…in man’s sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”
[Muslim]
Sex as a Spiritual Boost
When we frame sexuality as a blessing and we are grateful for it, we are more likely to treat it with care. If you abide by the rules of your faith and see sexuality as a pleasurable blessing meant to be shared between you and your loved one, you will benefit more spiritually from that connection .
Think of it like this, within religion and spirituality, striving to do acts which are permitted and finding joy and gratitude in those acts is showing gratitude and enjoying the blessings bestowed upon us. When someone with faith appreciates their blessings and enjoys them, it is an act of worship.
Sexuality is also a way to give to your spouse and be generous. Sexuality should not be approached with a selfish attitude of “get what I want and leave.” Taking the time to make it pleasurable for your spouse and keeping their needs in mind is serving your spouse, which is a form of worship when you are enjoining good with them.
Mental Health Benefits of Sexuality
When you orgasm, you release prolactin. This hormone is associated with feelings of relaxation and can help you sleep better. Additionally, studies show women that get more sleep often have higher libidos. Healthy sleep impacts our ability to focus, our mood and even our appetite.
A healthy sex life can help you reduce anxiety and depression. Oxytocin is released during foreplay and sex, this lovely hormone helps reduce anxiety and is linked to empathy and generosity. That natural high people achieve when they do an intense workout at the gym is the same natural high you can get from making love to your spouse.
Sex can boost your self-esteem if your partner makes you feel desired and seductive. Beautifully, your self-esteem is also lifted when you realize you are providing intense pleasure for them. Imagine making your wife or husband scream, it makes you feel good about yourself doesn’t it?
Marital Benefits of Sexuality
During foreplay, oxytocin is released which impacts bonding. That closeness you feel with your partner during sex can extend beyond the bedroom and improve your overall bond. It is not a surprise that many people joke about “make up sex” as it is a way to reconnect and heal, even if you were yelling 30 minutes prior.
Unhealthy and unfulfilling sex lives are linked to a higher chance of divorce. A healthy sex life that is full of exploration, depth and openness can provide a happier marriage. That is not to say that sex can cure all marriage issues, but it certainly can help.
Communication is often improved by couples that are more willing to explore their sexuality together. Trust is a component of any healthy relationship. Often, intimacy requires feeling vulnerable and open. When we are that exposed to someone else and we invite them into it, we are building trust.
Final Thoughts
You know those transcendental moments of love, ecstasy and bliss. What a blessing from Allah (the most revered, most glorified) sexuality is. In those special moments, you are connecting to the love of your life in an emotional, spiritual and loving way. It is a blessing we should be grateful for. Sexuality is not against religion and spirituality; it aligns with a deeper spiritual connection, gratitude for this special act and a way to serve your spouse
Republished from the author’s blog, original posted on PsychCentral
Intercultural marriages are completely allowed in Islam. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) even encouraged the believers to give less weight to things like culture, race, beauty, and wealth, in order to find a mate based on a compatible level of faith.
When considering a spouse for an Islamic marriage, the main thing to look for is a spouse’s level of practice and faith in the religion. Little, if any, consideration should be given to culture or the color of one’s skin.
Those in successful intercultural marriages relate the many positives that can outweigh any negative experiences.
One white American Muslimah married to a black Jamaican Muslim shared that over the course of their marriage they have had absolutely zero challenges related to them being an interracial couple.
Yet another Pakistani sister who married an American brother notes,
“Alhamdulillah, I did not face any major challenges. My husband and I were focused on Islam and wanted to teach our children Islamic values in the best Islamic environment as possible.”
But intercultural relationships can have their share of challenges.
Intercultural Marriage in Context
Not all cultures are as accepting and welcoming of interracial marriages as we might hope. Sadly, there may be objections from friends and family that can have you doubting both your feelings, and sincere intentions, to marry a partner who shares the same Islamic values.
If you find someone of another culture that you want to marry, and you’re not sure how your parents will feel about it, it’s important to approach the issue like the grown adults you all are.
Overcoming Stereotypes
One sister writes,
“My family had the view that Pakistani’s had no respect for women. His family had the view that Western women did not have the same moral standard as they had.” While the couple was eventually able to overcome these stereotypes by living their personal truth, it took some time for their families to come around.
She adds,
“Breaking down those negative stereotypes and showing people two people from different backgrounds can have a genuine relationship […] has also been good for our families. [It’s opened] their eyes a bit and learn about different cultures and the fact we are still good respecting people.”
Make a list
To help prospective partners work through the challenge of overcoming stereotypes together, it can help to list out some of the pros and cons, or even some current fears, to get to the heart of the matter.
Make a list of the character traits and positives that you have in common, this will help you look past any stereotypes that you may have.
It may also be helpful to list out any negatives you see occurring if you were to marry this person. Making a pro and con chart is a great way to step back and take a realistic look at the situation from an unbiased perspective. It may also help you pinpoint some of the biases and stereotypes you are holding onto as well.
There can be many obstacles to intercultural marriages, including the cultural biases addressed above, immigration issues, and objections from family. Here are a few ways to deal with the latter:
Convincing the Family
Most probably you already know how the elders in your family are going to react. You have lived with them your whole life.
One Australian Muslimah married to a Pakistani Muslim notes “Both our parents were very concerned about our marriage,” and worried that her husband was initially only interested in Australian citizenship.
If you suspect you are going to get pushback, it’s best to be prepared. Even if you think your parent’s and family will be open to the idea of an intercultural marriage, it’s better to err on the side of caution and gentleness just in case.
Children from a previous marriage or relationship may have their own misgivings and approach the idea of intercultural marriage with caution. Other close friends and even colleagues may weigh in on the decision once they find out. They may think that one of the partners is only looking for a visa or a financial handout – especially if the couple is currently living in different countries!
When you are ready to break the news to your close friends and loved ones, here are a few tips to keep in mind:
Tip #1 – Choose the right moment
When we are tired, hungry, overwhelmed, stressed, or hurt, it can be hard to react and take in new information in a kind and rational way. Be sure you choose your moment carefully.
Make sure your friends and family are comfortable, in a good mood, and well fed, before sharing the news of your upcoming intercultural marriage.
Tip #2 – Keep the discussion short
You don’t necessarily need to go into all the details in your first discussion. Keep the talk brief and bulleted so that you hit the main points. Don’t get into all of the specifics or start answering dozens of questions.
Save the rest of the talk for a few days later after your family as had time to digest the first round of information (and had time to get over the shock of it if needed).
Tip #3 – Give it time
If you meet resistance, instead of turning the issue into an argument, agree to discuss the topic again in the near future. Give your family members some time to digest the idea of an intercultural marriage.
This will make sure your tempers don’t flare and no one ends up saying something in anger that they can’t take back.
Understand that it may just take some time for family to get used to the idea of an intercultural marriage, despite how they may have felt about it at first.
Tip #4 – Make the introduction
When the time is right, and after a few rounds of discussion, be sure to introduce the other prospective family to your parents and other family members to humanize the other person. Help them see that your prospective spouse is also a good Muslim despite the difference in your cultures.
What If You Change Your Mind?
You may decide that the person is not right for you, not because of their culture, but because of other insurmountable issues like large distances between families, immigration requirements, or conflicting ideas of about Islam and how to best practice it.
There’s no need to feel upset if you come to the conclusion that you are just not right for each other. Just be glad that you figured it out before the wedding, and not after.
‘Muslims Don’t Fall in Love before Marriage’
“Muslims don’t fall in love before marriage,” the woman said proudly. “That’s something only non-Muslims do.”
When I first heard this statement, I was confused. But maybe I was misunderstanding what the woman meant. Perhaps the woman was just saying that Muslims don’t have sex before marriage (or at least that they’re not supposed to).
Muslims don’t live together and “play house” before deciding whether or not to take the “big step” and get married. Perhaps in the mind of this woman, and that of Muslims who shared her sentiment, this was “falling in love” and thus something Muslims simply did not do.
“I love a boy. Can you help me?”
I had just finished teaching a class at a Muslim weekend school when I was approached by a girl who appeared to be about thirteen years old. “Can I talk to you?” she said to me. “I need some advice.”
“Sure,” I told her, “no problem.”
“At school, there’s a boy I love,” she said, “and I don’t know what to do about it.” She glanced sideways to make sure none of her peers or elders could hear her talking to me. “Can you help me?”
“How did you meet him?” I asked.
“He goes to my school.”
“But how did you meet?”
“He just goes to my school,” she said again, slight confusion on her face.
“Yes, I know,” I said. “But how do you know him? Do you talk on the phone? Do you meet up at school?”
“No,” she said. “I barely know him.”
Now it was my turn to be confused. “Are you trying to get to know him?”
“No.” She appeared taken aback by the question. “I’m Muslim.”
“Then what’s the problem?” I said.
“I love him, and I know it’s wrong,” she said. “I tried to stop it, but I can’t.” She looked desperate as she looked at me. “What should I do?”
“Listen,” I told her. “It’s not a sin to be attracted to boys.”
What Love Means
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines love as “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.” It also defines love as “attraction that includes sexual desire” and “the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship.”
Based on the definition of love, loving a person or “falling in love” can include an intimate relationship (and thus can involve sin if the man and woman are not married), but love itself is not contingent upon any conscious actions on a person’s part. In fact, love can be confined to a person’s heart without the other person ever knowing anything about it.
Therefore, love outside the bounds of marriage is not necessarily sinful, and it’s certainly not sinful to “fall in love” before marriage.
So I’m Not in Sin?
After I told the girl that it isn’t sinful to be attracted to boys, the girl’s eyes widened. “It’s not?”
“No,” I said. “It’s just the way Allah created us. We can’t help it. Girls will be attracted to boys. Boys will be attracted to girls. And after lowering our gazes and staying away from what’s wrong, there’s nothing we can do about that.”
“But I thought…”
“It’s what you say or do about this feeling that can make it sinful,” I said. “If you just have this feeling in your heart and you don’t do anything about it, that’s not wrong. But you can pray to Allah to make the feeling go away,” I suggested, “especially if it’s distracting you from other things.”
She looked positively relieved. “Thanks,” she said, smiling broadly as she walked away.
Puppy Love
When I was growing up in America, I’d often hear adults laugh whenever an adolescent or teenager was attracted to someone. Their tone was often playfully condescending when they waved their hands dismissively saying, “Oh, that’s just puppy love. These kids have no idea what love means.”
And perhaps the adults were right. Maybe “kids” really don’t have a clue what love means. Maybe what these youth are feeling is just “puppy love,” a strong feeling of attraction that would pass with time and about which they would laugh about later.
But even so, this doesn’t invalidate the authenticity of the young person’s feelings, which very well may fit into the definition of “love,” even the love is short-lived and won’t amount to much more than an overwhelming sense of desire for someone.
When Young Love Is Real
Often when we think of real stories of young love, we turn to the pages of ancient history or folklore. In the famous Shakespearean drama Romeo and Juliet, the character Juliet is reportedly only thirteen years old while Romeo isn’t too much older. However, in the Shakespearean era, the concept of young lovers was not limited to fiction or drama.
In earlier times, particularly in European (or “Western”) history, it was not uncommon for young men and women to fall in love and marry quite young. In fact, if a person was unmarried by the age of twenty, this was frowned upon and the person was feared to be “too old” for any hope for marriage. In Islamic history, the love of young Aishah toward Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, is often cited.
However, it is not only in fictional tales and “days of old” that young love has proven real. In the modern world, there are many true stories of young love, and they continue to happen each day.
Famous Young Love
When I was in high school, one of my favorite songs was “Everybody Plays the Fool” by Aaron Neville, and I often think of this song when I think of young people falling in love. This is not only because the song itself alludes to the foolishness young people often fall into in the name of love, but because the singer himself experienced young love.
Aaron Neville met his beloved while they were both around fifteen or sixteen years old, and they got married when they were only eighteen; and they were married for almost fifty years when his wife died from cancer in 2007.
The famous singer Celine Dion also experienced young love. She met her future husbandRené Angélil when she was only twelve years old and he was thirty-eight; and they began a relationship when she was nineteen years old. And they are still married today.
Are You in Love?
This is a question that young people often ask themselves. Unfortunately, it’s also a question they are often left alone to answer. Perhaps, what they’re experiencing is just “puppy love” that amounts to a passing “crush,” or maybe what they’re experiencing is genuine young love the like of which fascinates us from fiction stories, ancient history, and modern day love stories.
But perhaps what they’re experiencing is something in between, a feeling that will one day pass but consumes them so much today that it drives them to act on it in the most reckless ways, especially if they are unable or unwilling to marry the person they love.
Such is the affair of many youth today, Muslims among them.
And in this “Are You in Love?” series, we explore the wide range of issues that define “love” for many Muslim youth in today’s world.
