3 Ways For Coping With Conversion and Family Stress
Brian Wright
Entering the fold of Islam is a major shift; one that will impact not only your own life, but also the lives of those around you.
Your friends and family will all notice changes, some simple and therefore welcome, while others frightening and complex.
They might be happy that you are finding more discipline, holding yourself to higher moral standards, or even that you are striving to be a better person and know the truth.
How to Tell Your Family You Converted
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They also might be annoyed that your alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning so that you can get up in time for Fajr; or concerned that you are not interested in enjoying the ham that your mother made for Christmas dinner.
In extreme circumstances, dealing with a rough family response to your conversion to Islam can be extremely negative. I personally have seen situations where people are disowned and outcast from their families altogether.
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Today, I wanted to talk about conversion and give you a few important points that you can use to help shape relationships with your non-Muslim family members and friends, avoiding at all costs the most extreme of outcomes.
Honesty and Openness
Can I Convert in Secret
Can I Convert in Secret? Must I Announce My Choice?
Earlier this month, I spoke with you about the duty of a Muslim to be honest. This policy extends to converts to Islam, and you should strive to be as open with your family and friends about your new faith as you can. However, this must sometimes be carefully planned and managed.
The Prophet Muhammad, for example, lived for three years without announcing his message to the wider community. During this time, he only revealed his prophethood to his closest friends and family members, those whom he knew would be more understanding.
It was only when he was commanded by God that he stepped out, proclaiming that he was a Messenger from God.
For converts the situation should be dealt with similarly. Talk to the people around you; find out how they feel about Islam and converts in general. Then, when the right time comes, approach them calmly and let them know that you have converted.
Since you have discussed the issue in theory before, most people will not see this as a major shock. This is no guarantee against negative responses, however, and you should be mentally prepared to have that relationship negatively affected, even if it is for a little while.
The main goal here is that you try your best to be open; but also respect the feelings of those around you. These are the people who have been your biggest supporters your whole life; you should try your best to preserve that relationship.
Express Islam Through Your Actions
Afraid of Telling Family About Your Conversion Here is What to Do
Afraid of Telling Family About Your Conversion? Here is What to Do
One of the inevitable results of converting to Islam – especially in a community or family that is completely unaware of the religion – is that you will automatically become an unofficial representative of the entire faith.
Every action and statement, especially if it is negative, could be interpreted as a result of you having become Muslim.
To overcome this, think about the following Quranic verse from chapter Luqman:
But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you need to do (31:15).
This verse, therefore, shows us that the only proper way to deal with situations in which what we say or do is negatively attributed to Islam is to treat people positively.
Show them the true nature of Islam and promote the religion through your positive actions.
Embrace the feeling of being an ambassador, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at times, and be patient with others.
Remain Steadfast Through the Difficulties
The final lesson when dealing with relationships as a new convert to Islam is to realize that this path is not easy. There will be times when your faith is tested, sometimes much more than even those who were born into Islam.
The first step towards passing this test is to always return to God, as the Quran tells us:
O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient (2:153).
Remember that you are not being tested with any more hardship than you can handle, and that God is always with you.
In conclusion, your conversion to Islam will inevitably mean entering a new phase with all your close relationships. Despite the theoretical doom and gloom, you might be surprised how many people will continue to stand next to you, willing to grow with you and accept you for who you are.
There might be a situation where there are members of your family and close friends who will never accept your new faith. Try to work with these people as much as possible, never let go until you are sure that there is no alternative; and treat them with the level of respect that Islam demands of you.
(From Discovering Islam archive)
shahadah conversion Converts to Islam family challenges
About Brian Wright
Brian Wright is an Assistant Professor of Islamic Studies at Zayed University, Abu Dhabi. He holds a PhD from the Institute of Islamic Studies at McGill University. His dissertation was on Islamic criminal law in Egypt, India, and Ottoman Turkey during the 19th century. He has studied fiqh with a number of traditional scholars in Egypt and India.
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Six Ways to Bring Youth Back to the Masjid
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Six Ways to Bring Youth Back to the Masjid
Sadaf Farooqi
19 October, 2022
One of the modern-day challenges that Muslims face is successfully attracting and tying their youth to the local Islamic community center or masjid, as regular and eager attendees.
It is not uncommon for parents of most older Muslim children viz. teens and teenagers, to feel as if they have to coerce, entice, if not literally drag, their wards to the masjid to pray salah or to attend an event. Many parents have to watch with dismay, as the advent of college life for their eighteen year old offspring practically translates to the end of their visits to the masjid.
On the other hand, there are inspiring examples of youngsters who willingly remain active from the start at their local masjid, and even after they move away to live independently on college campuses, they remain masjid regulars, by actively coordinating events at the local MSA musalla (prayer place of the university’s Muslim Student Association).
So the question arises, that if a parent of a baby, toddler, or young child harbors the vision of seeing their offspring grow up to be a regular masjid-goer, what can and should they do, to practically implement this noble vision from the start of their parenting journey?
Put Yourself in Their Shoes First
Challenges Faced by Muslim Youth in the West
Challenges Faced by Muslim Youth in the West
One of the most effective mental ‘exercises’ that a parent, teacher or youth mentor can undertake in order to enhance their empathy and compassion towards youngsters, and to allow themselves to ‘see’ things from the point of view of the youth, is to go back in time and try to recall their own childhood experiences regarding a particular situation that involves motivating the youth to come towards Deen.
For example, if you would like a child to read more Islamic literature, try to recall what encouraged and inspired you to read the same when you were a child. Try to bring to mind all the books and/or newspapers/magazines that you liked reading at that age.
This mental exercise works wonders, but it takes deliberate, proactive efforts by adults, and is more difficult to do with advancement in age.
The same exercise can help parents and community leaders better understand how they can make the masjid a place where the youth would like to willingly and eagerly hang out more.
They should try to recall what they loved about attending the masjid with their own parents, as children. And if they didn’t go to a masjid (e.g. because they were born to non-Muslim parents), then which places did they liked to visit the most with their parents as children? What did they enjoy doing the most during these outings?
Start Them Early
For those Muslims who have babies and toddlers, it is easy to start taking their little ones regularly to the masjid, but it is also imperative that they train them side by side about how to behave there.
The younger the child, the easier he or she is to train to behave well at the masjid. Besides attending taraweeh during Ramadan, and jumuah prayers on a weekly basis, parents and community leaders should facilitate programs and accommodations at the masjid that welcome young Muslims.
For example, investing in setting up small, private areas for: nursing mothers to breastfeed and change their infants, toilet and ablution facilities, a cafeteria or snack bar, a play area for smaller children on the premises, and/or paid crèche facilities during lectures and large-scale events.
It will take not just monetary investment and a paradigm shift in the thinking of the community elders (especially those older Muslim men who believe in the ideology that a masjid is men’s zone only, that doesn’t welcome women and children), but also architectural-design-remodeling efforts to make sure that the masjid becomes a place where younger Muslims (who will become the adult Muslims of the next generation) are welcomed as soon as, if not before, the day they are born!
Make Youth Feel Welcome and Valued
4 Challenges of Muslim Youth in the West
4 Challenges of Muslim Youth in the West
In order to attract Muslim (and non-Muslim) youth to a masjid or Islamic center, it has to be a place where they are made to feel not just welcome, but also valued for who they are, for example through what they can offer in terms of time and services as a human resource.
By delegating easy-to-do tasks to youngsters at events that are fun and interesting for them to attend, this can be accomplished. Bake sales for charity, sports events, babysitting duties, printing and publishing simple things such as event flyers or colorful newsletters, teaching Quran to younger children, and assisting adults in other simple, management-related tasks would be good options to involve the youth at the masjid to make them feel valued.
Be the Change You Wish to See
Adults of the Muslim community who are active in the da’wah circuit, and who volunteer regularly for masjid events, should keep an alert, critical eye on their own behavior, persona and conduct whilst they are there.
This is because the younger Muslim generation keenly observes the adults they see at the masjid or Islamic center. They also subconsciously compare the apparent character traits of these adult Muslims to the mannerisms, conduct, level of politeness and personas of non-religious, secular-minded Muslims and non-Muslims whom they observe outside the masjid, in their social circles and educational institutes.
If the adults at the masjid come out lesser in these mental comparisons made by an impressionable little child, that child will eventually want to stop coming to the masjid as they grow older. This is because he or she will automatically think to themselves, “I don’t want to become/end up like these stiff, rude, smelly people with crass manners, who are always so stern with me as compared to that nice, smartly-dressed, always-smiling lady manager at [any children’s public place], who treats me so much better whenever I visit her establishment!”
Relocate if Possible
5 Challenges Raising Righteous Youth in the West
5 Challenges of Raising Righteous Youth in the West
Once a married Muslim couple has their first child, their strategic life decisions should be made whilst keeping in mind the impact that they will have on their child’s moral and religious upbringing.
That is why, for ensuring that their child grows up ‘tied to’ the masjid as a regular and eager attendee, a Muslim couple living in non-Muslim majority areas around the world should try to relocate to a city in which a ‘happening’ Islamic center is within a short driving distance.
Many Muslim couples make the decision of relocation, while their children are little, solely on the basis of the salary or career boost that the move will allow them to obtain. Most do not get concerned by the fact that the nearest halal food store and masjid is in another city, over an hour’s drive away.
As their children grow older and enter their teens, the parents begin to practically witness the negative impact that their past choices and decisions regarding the family’s relocation due to careers or citizenship, have had on their offspring’s religious inclination and level of iman (faith).
These parents then resort to desperate damage control through impulsive, aggressive parenting behavior to undo the negative outcome of their laxity in implementing their children's moral training during the latter’s formative childhood years.
Many a time, such parents end up failing to bring their youngsters back to the masjid.
That is why, it is very important for Muslim parents to live near a masjid, especially in non-Muslim countries.
Perform Hajj & Umrah with Your Children
Do Our Imams Need Deputy-Imams for Youth, Women & Converts?
Do Our Imams Need Deputy-Imams for Youth, Women & Converts?
Last but not least, and this point in intended especially for Muslim parents living in the West - it is very important to take young children for hajj, at least once, and for umrah every few years, if parents desire to see them regularly attend the masjid for prayers and other events as adults.
Even if it means sacrificing a couple of foreign vacations (including the family’s yearly visits ‘back home’ to their ancestral lands), Muslim parents living in the West should endeavor to save extra money over the years to go for the hajj pilgrimage once, as a family, and to perform a umrah every few years, as part of their long-term investment plans for their children, just the way they set aside money for their college education.
Many a young person returns from hajj and umrah a changed Muslim, with a new, firm resolve to increase in faith and good deeds. The experiences of seeing the holy Ka’bah and praying in both the haramain (masjids) in Saudi Arabia, will invigorate religious faith and leave a lasting, spiritual impact on their young children, Insha’Allah.
Incorporating a few, if not all, of the above suggestions will make it possible for the adults in all Muslim communities worldwide to securely ‘tie’ their little ones to the masjid from childhood, Insha’Allah.
