I Want My Husbands Attention Without Confrontation

QI had a love marriage, we were childhood sweethearts, eager to get married. Our beginning was not as I planned. He would never take me out anywhere. No dinners, no outings, nothing. He was just interested in having sex.

I got pregnant in my 4th month. He was very happy but I wanted to get to know him more before having a child. But when I saw him so happy I was fine with it. I begged him to take me on a honeymoon. He was afraid to death about something happening on the plane. Finally we went.

We enjoyed that memorable trip. Everything was going well. We came back. He would take care of me in every way. I was blessed with a girl. Everything was going well and we were happy.

One thing that bothered me was he would stay on his mobile for hours not even realizing I was in the same room. After 4 hours he would say I'm sleepy and I need to sleep. I wanted him to ask me about my day as I used to ask him when he returned home. But he wouldn’t. He would then be busy watching movies and never asked me if I wanted to watch. I would join myself. Just because I would feel bored.

One day I got very emotional. I cried and said we don’t share any bond. I have no one I can talk to. You don't even talk to me and I'm here waiting to share my whole day with you. And whenever I try to tell you, you say you’re listening but your eyes are on the phone I have to repeat everything 3 times just for you to listen to me and I find that very disrespectful. He said he would try to change but then after a month the same situation goes on. I cry and he promises.

Deep down I know he's not going to change. I'm the one who has to. I never complained then but there was no conversation between us. Then suddenly he wanted to get famous on instagram he kicked me out of his friends list and started adding the world.

There would be girls who would message him and he would talk to them. I would feel jealous that those girls are taking my private time. He would make friends with the girls specially. I wouldn’t tolerate it. We used to fight. No affairs but I didn’t like healthy flirting.

Once I found out that he took a girl out to dinner. I got very hurt but never confronted because I knew he would lie or maybe say that she's just a friend. I never want to confront him because he gets all angry and in return we end up in a fight. Will I have to live like this? Or is there another way for a happy marriage?

ANSWER

In this counseling session:

Sister, the most important thing that keeps any relationship alive is authentic communication.


Understand Your Expectations from Him as Your Spouse And Vice Versa.


You have to draw a clear line of the things that are acceptable to you in the relationship and the things that are absolutely not something you can compromise on.


Consider a couples’ therapist.


Develop a sense of identity outside the marriage.


Ask Allah for help and guidance.


How to Communicate Better in Your Marriage


How to Communicate Better in Your Marriage


Assalamu Alaikum Sister, 


Thank you for reaching out! In your post, you have mentioned how you married your husband for love, but now you feel as though all the hard work of keeping and maintaining the relationship is solely on your shoulders. You feel a great disconnect with your husband and despite your attempts to come closer to him.

He avoids you and instead spends time on Instagram with other girls. You feel hurt and disappointed by his behavior and attitude towards you. You have also mentioned that you have not confronted him properly because you feel he would lie to you, or get very angry. 

Communicate!


Sister, the most important thing that keeps any relationship alive is authentic communication. If you feel hurt by his gestures; it is vital that you communicate to him in a way that he is able to receive it.

Whether he gets angry about it, hurt, or lies is something secondary and you need not worry about yet. It is essential that you communicate to him exactly how you feel without making him feel as though you are blaming him. For instance, if he feels as though you are blaming him for your unhappiness – he is likely to get defensive. 

One good way to communicate your authentic feelings to him is by using assertive communication where you take full responsibility of your feelings and use “I statements” For instance, you can say “I felt really hurt when I found out that you were out with another girl that day” .

Give him the space to explain himself without getting angry at his response. Whatever he says in the moment – your point will still drive home somewhere, and he will eventually apologize to you for being out with another girl, without you knowing, if he is really sincere with you. 

Understand Your Expectations from Him as Your Spouse And Vice Versa


From your post, I also sense that as a spouse you have certain clear cut expectations from him as your life partner, and he is also likely to have some expectations from you as his life partner. Sit down with him and together write down your expectations from him and his from you and see how many of those expectations you can each fulfil. 

Marriage has its ups and downs. Sometimes men want to shirk off the responsibility, sometimes they are overwhelmed by responsibility and choose to avoid it by indulging themselves in things such as social media. Try to understand the underlying causes of his behavior. 

It might also be helpful to write down your couple goals with him, which includes what you want from your relationship together, and what he wants from the relationship. Trying to find a middle ground sometimes takes time, but it is not impossible. 

Establish Your Boundaries


Sister, it is very important to set boundaries in every relationship and marriage is no exception. You have to draw a clear line of the things that are acceptable to you in the relationship and the things that are absolutely not something you can compromise on.

One of the things can be him talking to other women. The reason it is important to set and verbalize these boundaries clearly is that if it is not dealt with at this point – your husband will continue to chat to other women, or take them out; and it will eventually end up very painful for both of you. May Allah protect you from harm. 

Consider A Couples’ Therapist


I Want My Husbands Attention Without Confrontation - About Islam


If despite everything, things do not seem to improve, consider going to a marriage counselor or a couples’ therapist, who might be able to help your husband understand your perspective. Sometimes, when all efforts fail – an intervention from a third, neutral party becomes essential to work through the relational problems. 

Develop A Sense Of Identity Outside The Marriage


Often, as a wife, women tend to box their identity and their sense of self-worth totally within the marriage. It is essential that you focus on yourself as well. Think of yourself as a person who is not just a wife; what are your personal needs emotionally, intellectually and spiritually that you are meeting for yourself? 

Start taking out time for yourself, your self-care and hobbies. Set aside a time during the day where you do something that you love, for instance, going for a walk, writing, painting, reading or anything that gives you pleasure. 

This is essential because sometimes, unknowingly women start depending too much on their spouse to fulfill their needs, and to be happy; that in the process they forget – that they have the power to be independent women themselves who can take care of their emotional and spiritual needs even when the husband is not always present. 

Ask Allah For Help And Guidance


Last but not the least –ask Allah SWT for Help and Guidance. He is the one who is All Seer and All Listener. He tests each of us in different ways – yet, He is the Only One who can make everything right. Supplicate to Him and Insha’Allah, He will make things easy for you, and will give you the strength to deal with things that are difficult for you. 

Salam,