No Desire to Get Married, How to Convince My Parents?

QI don't have the desire to get married. How can I convince to my parents?


ANSWER

As salamu alaykum sister,


Thank you for writing to us. As I understand your situation, you do not have the desire to get married right now and you are wondering how to convince your parents of your feelings and wishes.

Cultural Expectations


Sister you did not discuss much in your question so I will do the best I can in sha Allah to respond to your concerns. As you are 22, I am not sure if you are in a university, on a career path, working full-time, or what your situation is.

While there are no set rules on what age you should get married, in some cultures one is expected to get married at an early age, possibly late teens or early twenties. If you do come from a culture where a woman is expected to get married as soon as she finishes High School, your parents may be very reluctant to not want to see you married.

Self-Exploration


Sister, in sha Allah, please do write a list of the reasons why you do not want to get married. Write out another list of reasons or concepts of why marriage would be beneficial for you. Looking at your two lists, please see which one is longer and which one is more conducive for you right now.

Often when writing things down and looking at it visually, one can see things from a different point. This may help you in formulating your discussion with your parents regarding why you do not want to get married. You may wish to bring this list to a conversation with them so you can highlight the points and explain your reasons to them in a loving way.

Don’t Feel Ready for Marriage, but My Parents Pressurize Me


Not Shutting all Doors


Sister, it may be important that you do not shut all the doors regarding marriage in the future. Your parents may not want to hear that you do not want to ever marry if this is the case, but they may want to hear what your reasons are for not wanting to marry now. This could include any of the points that you have on your list which are important to you and thus should be important to them. They may be able to better accept your reasons for not wanting to get married right now rather than not wanting to ever get married.

Again, there is not much information in your question, so I am not sure where you stand on this thought regarding never getting married, but that is another topic!

Talking to Parents


Sister when you talk with your parents, please try to choose a time when things are calm. When talking with them please always be respectful with your tone of voice, as well respectful of their thoughts and opinions. In sha Allah they will be respectful of yours as well. You may wish to ask them for the chance to discuss your points of why you do not want to get married. In sha Allah you may ask them to please just listen and respond when you are finished talking about them. In sha Allah, a loving and insightful discussion will follow.

Post Discussion


In the event that your parents do not receive the conversation in a positive way, or if they refuse to listen or acknowledge your reasons for not wanting to marry right now, there may be nothing much you can do about changing their mind. However please do remain respectful and in sha Allah try to understand that yes, they want the best for you and they feel that their way is the best. Never lose sight of the fact that they do love you.

Your Rights


Sister, despite cultural norms and traditions, you do have the right as a Muslima to not get married right now. No one can force you to get married. You have the right as a woman, an adult, and as a Muslima to make your own choices regarding marriage. This includes whether or not to get married, when to get married if you decide to, as well as who you choose to marry. These are your rights. While marriage is half our deen; part of the Sunnah, and highly recommended, it cannot be forced.

“Abu Hurairah narrated that: The Prophet said: “A matron should not be given in marriage until she is consulted, and a virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission is sought, and her silence is her permission.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi Volume 2, Book 6, Hadith 1107)”

Going Against Parents


Sister, as a Muslim you know that we are to make our parents happy, and as a child we are to obey them. However, you are no longer a child. While yes, you must respect them and treat them with love and honor, you cannot be forced to marry. By refusing to marry, this is not disrespecting your parents, but it is exercising your rights as a woman, a Muslim, and a human being.

I'm 16 & Don't Want to Get Married


Conclusion


My dear sister please do make your list of the reasons why you do not want to marry right now as well as a list of the benefits of marriage. By making these lists it may give you greater insight as well as help you to formulate your discussion with your parents based on points.

It will also show that you looked at the benefits a marriage as well, indicating to your parents that you are aware of these aspects too. In sha Allah schedule a calm time with your parents when you may discuss this issue. Remain loving, kind, and respectful, and try to ensure that your parents understand your points of view.

If they do not agree please remain respectful of their opinions and understand they are doing so based on their deep love for you. Know that as a Muslim woman and adult, they cannot force you to marry. While it may cause some tensions in the home for a while, in sha Allah they will adjust to this fact and begin to decrease their demands for you to marry. We wish you the best sister!