A Convert: I Want to Stop Committing Zina

I am a revert. It’s been seven years now since I accepted Islam. While I was still a Christian, I lost my virginity at a very young age. Since I started getting older, I decided not to engage in any pre-marital affairs although I have had boyfriends I didn't engage in sex with them.

Recently, I fell in love with a Muslim guy and we have been committing Zina. Whenever we commit the act, we both feel guilty of our actions. However, he said we should make our relationship halal and I should discuss him with my mother.

But as a revert, after what I passed through when I accepted Islam at first, my parents were against it but since I got admission into the university, have been practicing it. The only problem is this Zina I am committing.

I feel guilty all the time. I told my boyfriend if he can wait for me to finish my education because I still have two years to go and by then I would have gained my freedom and my family will have no other choice but to respect my decisions.

He said no, I should make an attempt this year and discuss it with my mother because he is getting older (he is 28 and am 23) and can't wait for another two years. He's worried that I might find someone better than him.

Please, how can I approach my mother? Besides, I love this guy very much and have tried leaving him but it’s not working. I am worried if I should leave him, will I get someone to love me despite my past? Will I be able to hold the pain, forget and move on?

ANSWER

In this counseling answer:

Begin with asking for forgiveness and making istikhara and surely Allah will guide you aright, whether that be now or in 2 years’ time, and to him or someone else. But, during this time, do try your best to avoid committing further sin by staying close to Allah and avoiding situations where you might commit sin.

I Committed Zina; I Feel Dirty and Depressed


Wa Alaikum Salaam sister,


Alhamdulillah that Allah guided you to the path of Islam. In sha Allah, your sins prior to your reversion have been forgiven. Unfortunately, however, you have fallen into the trap of zina and the consequences of it. You would prefer to finish your education first as per your parents’ desires before marrying. However, the man that you wish to marry says you should marry now.

There are arguments for and against this that you need to consider in making your decision. Firstly, the fact that you have continually committed zina with this man is not a good start to a marriage. Before you make any decision, you should repent to Allah for this. You know it is wrong as you feel bad afterward. It is a good thing as it means that you know in your heart that it is not ok.

A Convert: I Want to Stop Committing Zina - About Islam


Whatever choice you make, whether you chose to marry him or not is to cut any haram contact with him. This will only influence your ability to make any rational decision as your mind will be clouded by any feelings that you have developed towards this man over time.

Allah forgives


Allah loves to forgive and will guide you rightly if only you turn to Him. With this, you can also make istikhara that He will guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him and best for you.

This will only be best achieved if you cut contact with this man to avoid any clouded judgment. Although also be aware that any feelings that you have may make it difficult to be guided to the best decision, which is why you should seek sincere repentance first.

Check out this counseling video:

Sooner than later


The man you wish to marry is correct that if you do, indeed, chose to marry him you do so sooner rather than later for the protection of you both falling into any more zina and committing further sin. However, it is understandable why this is difficult as culturally it is felt that it necessary for you to complete your studies first.

Islamically, it is not required for you to finish your education first. But, at the same time, if you rely on your families support during this time, then perhaps marrying at this time will be difficult. However, maybe this could be a good thing. If this marriage is not meant to be and there is no way that you could possibly pursue it at this time, then this might be what is best for you.

Refrain from sin


If once your study is complete and you are both still available, then maybe you are meant to be, but Allah knows best. However, be aware that during this time, you should refrain from any type of haram contact with this man to avoid further zina with him.

Also, be aware that during this time, neither of you are committed to one another and, therefore, have every right to marry someone else. This is a risk that will come with waiting to marry after you complete your studies.

Conclusion


Certainly, begin with asking for forgiveness and making istikhara and surely Allah will guide you aright, whether that be now or in 2 years’ time, and to him or someone else. But, during this time, do try your best to avoid committing further sin by staying close to Allah and avoiding situations where you might commit sin.

So, for example, avoid free mixing and talking to other men without a mahram present. This will help to purify yourself and your intentions and put you in a better place to make a decision that would be better for you and most pleasing to Allah.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a good spouse when the time is right that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

=====

With All My Sins, How to Be Mindful of God?

QAs-salamu Alaikum. How can I realize God's Greatness? How can I surrender and prostrate submissively to God in my prayer? Every time I start to fear God, the burden of my sins come once again to my mind, and I can not find a new pure way out of this. And when these sins enter my mind, they distract me from God, and lead me to sin again. I've become a prisoner of my own doings. I really want to submit to God, I mean my motivation comes from how pure and blessed one could be when they are in touch with God. But it's as if I'm always discouraging myself with the sins I've done. I have a guilty and filthy conscience, and I feel that I can never be pure, unless I understand God's greatness or the fear I should have in Him. (Satan) is a true artifice, I don't know why, but every single time I pass or fail a trial and a test, again another one keeps on coming. It's been 2 years that I've been dealing with such problems and I think I've become depressed with so much unnecessary thinking. I'm getting tired of thinking for no reason, and my thoughts are not even beneficial, they are just full of filth and disgust. For example, sometimes in my thinking, I try to get the "gist" of God, because I really want to be "closer" to Him, but then it turns into shirk (disbelief), then suddenly a person whom I really admire, for example, the Prophet or someone else may just come into my mind whenever I think of God, and then my fear starts going up, which then turns into me thinking I am mushrik (disbeliever). It's like sin after sin after sin after sin. I'm tired of it, I'm sick of it, I can't take it anymore, it's a cycle of filth which I can not endure. I get in touch with God for one day, and even during that one day I have doubts and miseries. I don't know how to think of God, what feeling to have, I'm so lost, I don't know how to continue being a good PURE Muslim. I am new to Islam, or maybe just a person without enough experience... God knows but please help me out of this chaos.


ANSWER

Idris Tawfiq

Short Answer: Not even the greatest sins are beyond His Mercy. To be mindful of God contemplate His amazing universe. In wanting to come closer to Almighty Allah and to know Him better, we must first of all recognize His beauty and His greatness all around us.

Salam Dear Brother,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.

All Praises Him


The very desire you have to know Allah more and to be a better person, a better Muslim, is itself part of the way forward.

Support AboutIslam in 2021


Our Prophet (peace be upon him) told us that one of the ways we know Allah loves us when we feel love for Him, since that love is inspired by Allah Himself.

As human beings, though, we make life very difficult, don’t we?

True Rebirth is in Islam


We sometimes see problems, where there are none, and we find difficult that which is really simple and obvious.

I think that you need to step back a little and return to basics, before you begin to look for experiences and compensations in prayer.

The ancient Egyptians, you know, used to worship the baboon as their god of wisdom.

They did this because at the dawn of every day, when the sun began to rise on the horizon, the baboons would sit and watch the sun coming up.

This was seen as a sign of great wisdom.

Since the Egyptians used also to worship the sun, they saw this innate knowledge on the part of the baboons as a reflection of the divine Wisdom.

Now, whilst we do not worship animals, but Allah Alone, we can see that these creatures are drawn towards the divine.

Almighty Allah recreates life for us every morning and these creatures are aware of that new life.

Indeed, as Muslims we believe that in the chirping of every bird or the roaring of every lion, we hear the animals praising Allah in their own way.

Just listen to the sound of the birds at sunset, which sometimes becomes almost deafening.

What are these birds saying?

Muslims believe that they are praising Allah. The whole of Allah’s Creation praises Him night and day and depends on Him for life.

A translation of the meaning of the Quran says this:

{There is no creature that moves on the Earth but its provision depends on Allah. He knows its dwelling and its resting-place. All is recorded in a clear Book.} (Hud 11:6)

Look Around You

How Do We Communicate With God?


In wanting to come closer to Almighty Allah, then, and to know Him better, we must first of all recognize His beauty and His greatness all around us.

There is no use looking for Him in books or debating about Him in discussion groups if we fail to see Him all around us.

Think, first, of a beautiful sunset or the smile on the face of a small child. Think how a young sheep looks after its lambs or how the snow melts on the highest mountain peaks to form water for us to drink.

When we think of these things we begin to see the hand of Allah at work. Our minds can never grasp His greatness, but we can see His greatness all around.

We believe that:

{There is nothing whatever like unto Him, He is the All-hearing, the All-seeing. To Him belong the keys of the Heavens and the Earth. He enlarges and restricts provisions to whom He wills. Surely He has knowledge of everything.} (Ash-Shura 42:11-12)

We should take time every day to reflect on the greatness of Allah and to appreciate the gifts we receive every day in abundance from Him.

Health and strength come from Him. Food and drink are His provisions.

We cannot expect to go to prayer and feel the power of His might if we ignore His signs that are with us throughout the day.

We must never take life for granted.

Every Muslim’s Motto

The Beauty of Islam Changed My Life


At the time of the Hajj, that once in a lifetime pilgrimage to Makkah which is enjoined on all Muslims, the pilgrims have certain words constantly on their lips: “I respond to Your Call, O Allah, I respond to Your Call.“

These words are most beautiful, but they need not be restricted to the time of pilgrimage. They should be on the lips of every Muslim every day, from the time of waking up in the morning to the time of going to bed at night. “I respond to Your Call.”

This is how we should live our lives as Muslims. Reminding ourselves throughout the day of His presence is a sure way of beginning to appreciate His greatness.

In the same way, as we see the hand of Allah at work in our world, we should also begin to appreciate that He is closer to us than we can possibly imagine. We see, once more in the Quran:

{With Him are the keys of the unseen; none knows them but He. He knows what is in land and sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. Not a grain in the deep darkness of the Earth, not a thing green or dry but it is in a clear Book.} (Al-An`am 6:59)

Instead of being overwhelmed by our own shortcomings, we should listen to these words which He speaks to us in the Quran.

There is no one on the face of the earth who is worthy of such care, or who actually deserves the mercy which Allah bestows upon us. Even the greatest Muslims fall far short of His mercy and Compassion.

Think of Allah First

How to Calm Anxiety? Leave the Future Alone Until it Comes


Concentrating on our own weaknesses is putting things the wrong way around.

Instead of making ourselves the focus of attention, we should focus on Allah.

Being Muslim means that we do not think of ourselves first, but we think of Allah.

Being Muslim means that we submit ourselves to His will. And, by the way, as Muslims we are not promised that in prayer we will feel good or have great spiritual thoughts.

The command is simply to pray five times a day, for Allah’s sake – not for our own.

Getting Prepared for Prayers


To make the most of our prayers, though, and to benefit from them in our daily lives, we must prepare for them first. No one would go to meet the President of France, for example, without making some preparations, would they?

At the very least, they would wash and make themselves tidy. I imagine that most would take a lot of care before such a meeting.

How can we expect to place ourselves in the presence of the Maker of the heavens and the earth, then, without preparing ourselves for the meeting?

We cannot switch in just a minute from the busy concerns of life to prostrating ourselves in prayer, without at least a little preparation.

In washing ourselves before prayer, for example, we are doing this. We are not just washing the dust from our hands, are we?

We are washing away the concerns of our hearts which prevent us from thinking of Allah. We should also feed our hearts throughout the day, then, so that we are ready to meet Allah when we pray to Him.

Reflect on Ayat Al-Kursi


With All My Sins, How to Be Mindful of God


The greatest verse of the Quran is to be found in what is known as Ayat Al-Kursi.

If we come to know and love these words, repeating them often and pondering on their meaning, we will come to appreciate the greatness of Allah, insha’Allah, and begin to place all of our worries and concerns in His care.

Not even the greatest sins are beyond His Mercy. These words can help us all to be better Muslims and to serve our Lord and Creator with happiness and great humility:

{Allah there is no God but He, the Living, the Everlasting. Slumber does not seize Him, neither sleep; to Him belongs all that is in the heavens and the earth. Who is there that shall intercede with Him except by His permission? He knows what is before them and what is behind them, and they do not encompass anything of His knowledge except what he wills. His throne extends over the heavens and the earth, the preservation of them does not burden Him; He is the High, the Great.} (Al-Baqarah 2:255)

===

He Promised to Marry Me, So We Committed Zina

QAssalamu Aleikom.

I am 20 years old. I met a guy and we have been in a relationship for 2 years. We have committed zina many times. He told me he would marry me. When he came to meet me and ask my mother for my hand for marriage recently, I got to know many things about him.

He used to do sex chat and was meeting with many girls and married women. I saw many nude pics of other girls in his cell phone. But he said sorry and he promised that he would never do anything, and that he would marry me soon, so I gave him a 2nd chance.

Then he talked to his parents about me, but they have refused our marriage. They said because of cultural problems. We are both Sunni Muslims. I do not understand! The guy is planning to run away from them and marry me.

He's 29 and divorced. I accepted him because I really love him. His father does not allow us to talk. His father told my mother that he was getting engaged to someone else. I have become helpless. His family completely refuses our marriage.

I even told them that we had committed zina. But still, they are blaming me that I am a bad person, that I forced him to do everything. I badly want him in my life. The guy used to say he would marry me with or without his parents’ approval. But now when I’m trying so hard to contact him, his siblings are stopping me and saying they are not interested.

The guy is now saying that without his parents’ permission he can’t do anything. I wasted my 2 years. He told he wanted to marry me before my UG studies. But now I’m helpless. I can’t talk to him. I am not getting any straight response from them; they are all just fooling me. I am so much confused. Only because of him I committed zina before marriage, because he told me we would marry soon. I don’t know what to do.

ANSWER

Zina, Abortion & a Sinful Past: Will Allah Forgive Me?

As-Salam ‘Aleikom sister,


Thank you for writing to us about your problem. I can understand that it may be stressful for you to go through such a hardship at the moment. I will try to advice you the best I can, in sha’ Allah.

Zina


First of all, you should understand that the evil act of zina is one of the greatest sins that Allah (swt) forbids to His slaves. He (swt) has highlighted to them its evil consequences. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:

“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.” (17:32)

He Promised to Marry Me, So We Committed Zina - About Islam


Support AboutIslam in 2021


Before answering your question, I must remind you that it is obligatory to repent and regret what you have done with this man because you have fallen into a major sin. What you have to do is repent sincerely from what you have done and cut off ties completely with this man. It is actually not permissible for you to talk or correspond with him, according to the teachings of Islam. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:

“O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance. Perhaps your Lord will remove from you your misdeeds and admit you into gardens beneath which rivers flow [on] the Day when Allah will not disgrace the Prophet and those who believed with him…” (66:8)

The first mistake both of you made was to tell your parents about the zina. You should have repented to Allah (swt) and kept it a secret. Usually, no Muslim parents wants a daughter-in-law who has committed zina with their son before marriage. You must understand that it will be hard for his parents to accept their daughter-in-law to be someone who has committed zina with their son. However, let’s not forget that he is an equal sinner and, thus, should repent, too.

Check out this counseling video:

Character


From what you have described about him, he seems to be a person who easily gets into sins. Even if he promised you that he would not do what he did in the past with other women (sex chat with married women), how can you trust him? Maybe he will be truthful and won’t do anything haraam if you both get married, but can you ever surely trust him? I don’t think you can.

I advise you to not beg him to marry you or to talk to him until he talks to his parents properly. It is his job to persuade his parents to agree to this marriage, and I am sure if he really wants to marry you, he will be able to get his parents’ consent. Leave this matter up to him now; don’t push it! Give his parents and him some time, and if he still can’t make them agree to marry you, then it is not worth it.

Family


Parents in the culture you live in have a huge impact on the relationship of their son and daughter-in-law. They can be difficult after marriage and give you a hard time. Therefore, I advise you to stay strong at this time, even if it seems to be hard. You both like each other, and if he wants to be with you, then he should be able to convince his parents.

Do not do anything wrong, or haram, or one that would bring shame to your family and make you feel guilty and sinful in front of Allah (swt). Always remember that if to him family wishes are important, then you should also not do anything that brings pain to your family.

Conclusion


Whatever has happened can’t be changed now. But I wouldn’t suggest going through with this marriage, unless he stands up for you. The only solution that I can see is that you stop talking to him completely.

When he is ready to go ahead and marry you, he can contact your father. Any further personal contact with him is not Islamically allowed. He can marry you and still be a respectful, loving, and caring son. He simply needs the conviction that this is possible.

May Allah (swt) ease your difficulties and bring peace to you.