Finding the Love of Your Life
When Marriage Is Measured By Loss and Gain
We all hope and dream of finding the love of our life. It is a yearning that exists within the nature of humankind. Hence, Islam encourages marriage, and even refers to it as ‘half of our faith’.
But for the sake of sanity, let’s put away the fairy-tale dreams of prince charming and happily-ever-after and take a snapshot from reality!
‘Muslims Don’t Fall in Love before Marriage’
‘Muslims Don’t Fall in Love before Marriage’
As with every worthwhile thing in life, finding a loving, fulfilling relationship is hard work. And that is not the end of the story, because then one has to maintain a loving, fulfilling relationship.
It requires a good amount of insight, self-awareness, giving, forgiving and faith that we as human beings can sometimes barely comprehend. Yet, despite its awesome intricacy, and sometimes complexity, we strive to find it.
We live in agony that we may not find it, then, when we do find it, we live in agony lest we should lose it! How pathetic we are! How much we need Allah’s help!
Snapshot
With the rising rate of unsuccessful marriages perhaps it is time we take stock of what may be going on.
I do not mean ‘divorce rate’ here, because divorce is not the only indicator of a dysfunctional marriage; indeed, there are many marriages that are pasted together and are continuing but they are not built on the love and tranquility that Almighty Allah describes for us in His Noble Quran.
Approaching the whole idea of marriage with the attitude that this is ‘my’ right; something that ‘I’ want; and the attitude of what is this marriage going to do for ‘me’, is a big mistake.
Debunking Myths of Love
Debunking Myths of Love
With such an attitude the person will be unable to step back, and take an objective look at themselves, and their role in a marital relationship.
Without this kind of introspection, the marriage will very likely become dull, a routine, and a de-spiritualizing conveyor belt of human selfishness and short-sightedness. Much of the fault for this unhappy phenomenon lies on our shoulders; we are just not spiritual enough.
Perhaps it is a by-product of our materialistic age, but many people consider marriage in terms of how it will enhance their wealth, their status and their interests. Such people become so self-focused on material and social gains that the vast spiritual aspect of the relationship is lost for them.
Ironically, they believe that a ‘stable’ marriage should in fact increase their wealth and social status, while the heart and the depth of the relationship, the place of true fulfillment, exists on another plane altogether.
This state of harmony, deep feelings and commitment cannot be purchased or bargained for. This is the state that people seek; this is what they mean when they say ‘I have found a soul mate.’ This state exists within us and between us, and our loved ones according to the state of our own individual heart.
Indeed, the heart and soul of a human being are potentially far beyond our imagination. However if they are not purified, discerning and alive, they will not be able to participate in deep and meaningful relationships.
Finding the Love of Your Life - About Islam
Soul Search
Keeping all this in mind, we become aware that our ability to be close to someone, to find harmony and, to communicate in depth as joy begins to fill our own hearts.
When the heart is free of grudge, envy, and hate, and has the ability to accept people for what they are, the heart begins to feel free and insight begins to flicker and come to life.
Spiritual vs. Romantic Love
Spiritual vs. Romantic Love
In this state of awareness and self- honesty, and without the harness of negativity and self-doubt, the soul can explore, appreciate and grow.
The shape of the heart changes with life events, our health, our mood and most of all, our closeness to Almighty Allah. We are probably all aware of how the soul is elated when we pray in true sincerity and concentration; this is the state of the soul that can love and be loved.
We are also probably aware that even if we find a ‘soul mate’, one with whom we can find joy, harmony and tranquility that this state fluctuates as is the case with human beings.
We are not constant; our faith goes up and down and our ability to love and be loved also changes.
This is where the character and good habits of the individual come shining through.
If one partner is feeling down or insecure, the other will identify the need and fill in the gap. The couple is like two elastic bands that adjust their tension according to the need so that harmony is always eventually reinstated.
The love of your life may be standing next to you right now. Your paths may have crossed, and you may have known each other for years in a public setting, but maybe you never realized the ‘heart’ of that person – the real person.
A marriage can be revived; it can find a way to grow and it can make a fresh start from a new angle. Sometimes the hearts of the couple have grown apart; perhaps they never tried to reach that spiritual plane where they can find rest in each other.
Making the hearts more in tune, and keeping them in tune can take a life time, but since marriage is half of our faith, is it not worth the effort?!
Marriage Affirms Belief
6 Steps for a Closer Relationship with Allah
6 Steps to Go Deeper With God
One of the important hidden wisdoms of marriage is its being a form of affirming our belief in the Oneness of Allah.
Some people may raise a question mark here.
Here’s the explanation: When we marry, we are indirectly and practically saying that we need a partner, that this is part of our nature as human beings.
In this way, we confirm that only Allah does not need a partner.
It is through marriage that people refresh two types of relations: their relationship with Allah and their relationship with their society.
Likewise, when people marry, they refresh their relationship with society by practically saying that they are actively
participating through building a good family and shouldering its responsibility.
Family Ties
Live Within the Limits of Your Day
Live Within the Limits of Your Day
The unity of the family of the bride and the family of the groom is really a happy event.
Therefore, both families are required to share the happiness, and that is why Islam generally requires a guardian for the bride in most schools of Islamic jurisprudence.
It does not carry any negative message about the bride; rather, it gives a message that this marriage is a unification of two families together.
Of course in the West, or in cases where the bride does not have an involved family for whatever reason, especially if she is a convert, these requirements can be flexible.
Marriage… One Step at a Time
Step One: Set a Good Intention
Coming to the steps of the marriage, we need to realize that it all starts with the intention.
A person who intends to get married or to whom a marriage proposal is given is supposed to review his or her intention and purpose behind that marriage.
Defining the purpose is very important as it affects all the decisions that will follow.
Next: Find a Suitable Partner in a Suitable Way
Count Your Blessings and Be Humble
Count Your Blessings and Be Humble
Moving on to another step, we realize that once the person has reviewed his or her intention, he or she will be taking practical steps to find a partner.
Once he or she finds Mr. or Mrs. Right, the question is raised: “How should I approach my partner-to-be? Or whom should I approach first, the family or the partner?”
Personally, I believe that the lady or gentlemen — and not their family — should be approached first, because he or she is the one who will be getting married.
However, this should be done in the proper way.
Using a third party is a brilliant idea here. This third party should be someone who is just, trustworthy, and acceptable by both sides.
That could be a friend of the lady in case a man is proposing, or a friend of the man in case a lady is proposing.
Side-note: Yes, Women Can Propose Marriage!
Yes, I meant to say: “in case a lady is proposing”!
This should not sound strange to anyone as we find that Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) used this way when she intended to get married to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).
She actually sent one of her friends, known as Nafisah bint Munabbih, who took the responsibility to find out if Prophet Muhammad will be interested in such a thing.
Following this step (i.e. once it is ascertained that the other party is interested in marriage), then the family should be involved.
The person should be speaking to his or her family and taking them to the other family and start the marriage process.
After The Engagement, Before the Marriage: Keep Things Halal
If not for His Mercy
If Not For His Mercy...
After the engagement, the fiancé and the fiancée should bear in mind that they are still not legally married.
This means they are allowed to utilize this period of engagement to explore each other’s characters and personalities without forgetting that they are still unmarried.
They are not allowed to have any type of physical contact or to get involved in any improper talk.
They can simply share their mutual views about their future together. And they can plan the upbringing of their children and leading a life that will end them up in Paradise.
Once they have got a full, or at least enough, exploration of their lives, they will start thinking with a family-oriented mentality, rather than with an individualistic one.
Next Step: The Marriage Contract, Know Your Rights
Having a Successful Islamic Marriage
The following step is the marriage contract that necessitates that each of the two should be studying and reading about the rights and responsibilities of a husband and a wife in order to be able to go smoothly with the life ahead of them.
Both should bear in mind that after the contract, they are Islamically husband and wife.
They should be given some privacy to discuss closely and can exchange words of love and attraction freely.
This should be an introduction to the final step: the wedding day.
Final Step: The Wedding Day
It should be a very special, memorable day in the life of both families. It actually represents the culmination of all this process.
And it should not involve anything that will bring the husband and the wife the wrath of their Creator.
In fact, the wedding day should be a chance again for reviewing and renewing the intention so that the couple remind themselves that they are at the threshold of a new life and that they should be up to it.
They should remind themselves of the purpose of this life and live for that purpose.
In this way, they can find a meaning in every day they live together. And the families will really enjoy such a union.
