Unable to Control Your Anger? These 3 Tips Will Help You - How to Handle Bad Memory Flashbacks
Do you get angry? Often? How do you express your anger?
Do you think you are unique in your family in the way you express your anger? If not, do you find yourself repeating another family member’s style of expressing anger?
Have you witnessed someone become angry recently? What about in your own family? How did their reaction make you feel?
4 Tips to Increase Your Love for Prayer
4 Tips to Increase Your Love for Prayer
The popular advice we often hear these days about handling anger is “don’t hold it in, let it out”. We are told that it is unhealthy to hold in our anger.
Television shows, movies, and video games tend to sensationalize outbursts of anger; often showing in too much detail the facial expressions of angry people and the wanton destruction they wreak.
Although the great debate as to how much popular entertainment influences personal lives rages on, one thing is for sure: Anger hurts not only the person becoming angry but also people close to that person. Frequent outbursts of anger ultimately will negatively affect a person’s physical health as well.
According to Islamic teachings, outbursts of anger are supposed to never occur. Our role model is the best of creation and the beloved of Allah the Almighty, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
So here is the challenge: Find one instance in which Prophet Muhammad had an outburst due to becoming angry. You will never meet the challenge because it just did not happen.
There are instances in which his face became red and he was visibly upset. We are told that his demeanor changed. But we never find an instance in which his emotions betrayed him to the degree that he had an outburst of anger.
How odd, indeed, that despite claiming our sincere desire to emulate the Prophet, you and I continue to exercise little self-restraint when we are angry. Instead, we say hurtful things; sometimes, in our weakest moments, we resort to pushing, hitting, or punching others, or throwing things at them.
This is a shameful situation indeed. Each of us must come to terms with our own inability and weakness to exercise self-restraint when something upsets us. Let’s start.
Increase Self-Awareness
Unable to Control Your Anger? These 3 Tips Will Help You - About Islam
What Sin Can I Not Repent for While I Am Alive?
We all have to spend some time on self-reflection, on getting to know ourselves. Young people are often too busy growing up, trying to answer the questions “who am I?” and “what do I want to be?”
When it comes to restraining ourselves from anger, the first step must be to increase our self-awareness. We need to have a sense of what makes us upset. Too often, we see and feel the signs of the onset of anger, but not having enough self-awareness, we miss all the cues until it is too late.
Think about it. What gets you all worked up? which things annoy you a little? What annoys you a lot?
Not sure? Think of the last time you got angry. Do you remember why you got angry? What was the cause of your anger? Did that cause suddenly occur or did you see the warning signs? Can you recall if you were aware of the warning signs at that time? Did you ignore them?
Increasing self-awareness is challenging, and many young people opt to keep a journal so that they can document their thoughts and keep track of whatever enlightening thoughts they have about themselves. How will you increase your self-awareness?
Increase Self-Restraint
Your Spouse Neglects Prayers? Here Are Useful Tips
Your Spouse Neglects Prayers? Here Are Useful Tips
Among the teachings of the Quran and our beloved Prophet, the most relevant advice about controlling anger encourages self-restraint. Allah the Almighty describes the best of us as,
{…those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves those who do good} (Aal `Imran 3:134).
We must all strive not only to restrain our anger but to be ready to forgive and pardon those whose actions or words might have angered us. Indeed, we have three relevant teachings from Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):
“When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, ‘My Mercy overpowers My anger.‘” (Al-Bukhari)
“The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself when in anger.” (Al-Bukhari)
The height of self-restraint, of course, is not to get angry to begin with. This is enjoined upon us by Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) in the following hadith:
A man said to the Prophet, “Advise me!” The Prophet said, “Do not get angry.” The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said each time, “Do not get angry.” (Al-Bukhari)
It is worthwhile to remember that peace, solace, and tranquility are the outcomes of the absence of anger, and it is therefore fitting that all of these teachings of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) were narrated by a Companion known for his self-restraint, namely, Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him).
One Outburst at a Time
Unable to Control Your Anger? These 3 Tips Will Help You - About Islam
Quraish Negotiates with the Prophet (Story)
Suppose after reading this far you say, “I will do my best to increase self-awareness and self-restraint, but what if, during that time, I do get angry, then what?”
You should develop a plan of action to help you recover gracefully.
The best first response to the onset of anger is to seek refuge in Allah from Satan because most often it is Satan who deludes us with thinking that we will feel relieved if we unload our frustrations or get them off our chest. Sometimes we are so caught up in expressing our anger and in righting a wrong that we ignore the simplest way to control our anger: to turn to Allah and away from whatever it is that is causing us to be angry. Sulaiman ibn Surad (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated:
A man from the Companions of the Prophet said:
Two men abused each other in front of the Prophet and one of them became angry and his anger became so intense that his face became swollen and changed. The Prophet said, “I know a word the saying of which will cause him to relax if he does say it.“
Then a man went to the angry man and informed him of the statement of the Prophet and said, “Seek refuge with Allah from Satan.” On that, the angry man said, “Do you find anything wrong with me? Am I insane? Go away!” (Al-Bukhari)
How tragic indeed that this angry man’s rejection to the Prophet’s advice has been recorded for all times. Instead of heeding the advice, the man’s anger overcame him.
Remembering Allah helps us to monitor our speech and our actions as well, since so often the first lowly instinct is to speak ill, to curse, or to raise one’s hands in retaliation. The reminder to turn to Allah at the onset of anger in reality reconnects us with Allah at a moment when it seems we are being overpowered by Satan’s temptations to anger.
When you feel the onset of anger, in addition to seeking refuge in Allah from Satan, you should shift your posture so that you attempt to regain some sense of control of yourself and regain your composure.
It is reported by Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him) that he Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “If any of you gets angry and is standing, let him sit down, [so his anger will go away;] if it does not go away, let him lie down’” (Abu Dawud).
By focusing on yourself and your inner thoughts enough to change your posture and position, you prevent yourself from saying or doing anything rash in a fit of anger. There are positive physiological effects as well from changing your position, all of which lend to a more calm state of mind and body.
Final Thoughts
In the early years of our eldest son’s life, we are constantly encouraging him not to get upset and not to throw tantrums. We remind him that he will almost never achieve his desired goal by getting upset. If he restrains his frustrations and asks politely and his mother and I can accommodate his request, we do so willingly and remind him that his politeness and his self-restraint have paid off. The common refrain one can hear him saying is “You can be hungry, but just don’t be angry.”
As youth and young adults, you must practice the art of self-restraint. Turn to Allah, make sincere du`aa’ asking Him for guidance and assistance as you strive to increase self-restraint. You know best your own strengths and weaknesses. If you find it hard to control your anger, then start today to learn how to control it, one outburst at a time.
How to Handle Bad Memory Flashbacks
28 September, 2020
QAsalaam alykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh.
Please help me. I think I have heart problems which are connected to spiritual matters. I almost committed zina last year. I did terrible things when I was in the relationship. I realized everything I did then was bad. I repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah.
I tried as much as possible to stay firm in Islam but I have a problem. Sometimes, everything I did then will come into my mind like a flash. It keeps on coming and coming. Those images keep manifesting in my head. I'm afraid.
I also have terrible thoughts in my mind which makes me feel as if I'm out if the religion. I feel my Imaan is reducing. I keep praying and asking for forgiveness. Is it because Allah is yet to forgive me?
What can I do so those thoughts and images will leave me completely?
Jazakumllahu khayran as you answer my question. May Allah reward you abundantly.
ANSWER
Madiha Sadaf
28 September, 2020
In this counseling answer:
You must realize that although it is the past, it is not what defines you.
Once you have realized you have made a mistake and are seeking forgiveness, you must be certain that it will be forgiven.
No human is ever perfect. Even in the Quran, Allah says, “Indeed, Allah is ever Pardoning and Competent.” (Quran 4:149).”
Remember, a person seeking sincere repentance for a past sin and dedicatedly trying to improve for the pleasure of Allah is better than an arrogant “perfect” Muslim. Because there is no such as a “perfect” Muslim. Some make mistakes and repent, and others simply deny that they have ever made any mistakes.
To offset these feelings and thoughts, you need to keep yourself occupied.
I suggest that you engage yourself on the path to pursue Islamic knowledge.
Your Guide to Allah's Mercy and Forgiveness
Your Guide to Allah's Mercy and Forgiveness
As-Salamu Alaikum,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
You start off the question stating that you have heart problems related to spiritual matters. I highly suggest that you visit a general physician to ensure that you are not suffering from any underlying heart condition, blood pressure abnormalities or anything else which should be treated early rather than later.
Now, to answer your question about being able to forget the past. Remember, the past can only be forgotten if you genuinely try to forget it.
There is a famous saying:
“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worry can change the future.”
However, I truly understand that it is easy said than done. I am certain that if you follow these few simple steps, and a bit of self-refrainment from going backward in time, you will not only feel relieved from the past but also have a new outlook on life.
How to Handle Bad Memory Flashbacks - About Islam
The past does not define you
You must realize that although it is the past, it is not what defines you. Once you have realized you have made a mistake and are seeking forgiveness, you must be certain that it will be forgiven. No human is ever perfect.
Even in the Quran, Allah says,
“Indeed, Allah is ever Pardoning and Competent.” (Quran 4:149)
The reason Allah says this in the Quran is that Allah knows that humans are prone to sinning, and we are not angels. We learn from our mistakes.
Allah loves to forgive and even in the Quran, He says that He forgives all kinds of sins except shirk:
“Verily, Allah forgives not that partners should be set up with Him, but He forgives other (sins) than that to whom He wills. And whoever sets up partners with Allah has indeed invented a tremendous (unforgivable) sin.” (Quran 4: 48)
Therefore, it is our jobs as sinners to continuously seek the forgiveness of our sins.
Focus on being more productive
It is easy to dwell on the past and not realize that it is what is gone, what is no longer in our control. However, to offset these feelings and thoughts, you need to keep yourself occupied.
In the Quran, Allah says,
“And establish prayer at the two ends of the day and at the approach of the night. Indeed, good deeds do away with misdeeds. That is a reminder for those who remember.” (Quran 11:114)
As you can see, in the Quran Allah explicitly states that good deeds can “do away” with misdeeds, meaning that they remove the bad deeds.
However, good deeds should be done for the good intentions.
The intention to please Allah.
The intention to do good to people
The intention to remove the evil deeds that you have done.
You need to find yourself a passion. A passion that will not only render you satisfied but also occupy your mind and prevent you from thinking back into the past.
But the question arises, how do I find out what exactly I am passionate about? How do I know? Remember, your passion should be the answer to these three questions:
What subject could I read 500 books about without getting bored?
What could I do for five years straight without getting paid?
What would I spend my time doing if I had a complete financial abundance to do anything?
Therefore, once you find an activity which successfully fits the three requirements above, then invest time and increase productivity.
Seek knowledge
You mention in your question that you feel that Allah is yet to forgive you and that you feel your Imaan is at its lowest. It is natural to feel that you are not a good Muslim, a bad person, and have less good when you truly realize your mistake.
However, you must simultaneously realize that if you do not offset these feelings with the true knowledge of Allah and Islam, evil thoughts and whispers will house in your mind.
Therefore, I suggest that you engage yourself on the path to pursue Islamic knowledge. Gradually, you will increase your knowledge, and soon you will realize that you are a different person from what you have been in the past.
You will realize man’s susceptibility to errs, sins and mistakes, and realize the power of Allah over the creation and the meaning of life. Knowledge can do wonders.
Remember, a person seeking sincere repentance for a past sin and dedicatedly trying to improve for the pleasure of Allah is better than an arrogant “perfect” Muslim. Because there is no such as a “perfect” Muslim. Some make mistakes and repent, and others simply deny that they have ever made any mistakes.
So, there is no such thing as a perfect line of Imaan. There will always be a high and a low. We must try to be as high as possible without being dragged down by the low days—through the power of true knowledge of Allah.
Learn from the past
The past is always there. When we hold on to the negativity from the past and from the mistakes we have done, we are letting the negativity poison us.
Yes, you have made mistakes, you have done wrong, you have gone against what is right. But realizing that you have made a mistake is the first step towards self-improvement. It is what indicates that you are genuinely inclined towards repentance and goodness.
Outline what you have learned:
Now you will know better than to fall into the trap laid out by the wrong person.
You are going to be seeking the company of the righteous
You will not be in the wrong company as you have realized that it does more harm than good
You must refrain yourself from temptations around the world
Losing hope is from Shaitan
Allah says in the Quran,
“So, do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.” (Quran 3:139)
Never in the Quran, or in the sayings of the Prophet Muhammed will you find that you are asked to despair, fall into hopelessness, and isolate yourself constantly thinking about your sins and your weaknesses.
People Always Curse Me I Feel Hurt
QAsalamalikumMy issue is that people curse me. I don't why, probably they want to put me down.
Sometimes people want that I walk according to their rules. Sometimes I am fine with this, but sometimes I don't want. So they start speaking about bad about me. Others curse me with my family. So I get hurt.
The problem is that those words stick in my mind and then I can't concentrate on my studies or my salah. Some of these people are my friends.
Please tell me any duaa. My mood and mind are not stable. I am unhappy. Please help!
ANSWER
In this counseling answer:
• Distance yourself from negative people and find true friends.
• Stay close to Allah; pray, read Quran and remember Allah often.
• Relax; find a hobby that makes you happy.
Assalamu Alaikum dear brother,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
I am sorry to hear of the internal troubles you are currently undergoing. Rest assured that this a test from Allah.
The Prophet said:
“Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience”. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
Find Real Friends
People Always Curse Me; I Feel Hurt - About Islam
Curse of the Modern Mindset of Success
From what I understand, the problem is your friends. They do not accept you as the way you are. They also insult you with regards to your family.
To me, the problem can be solved through a bit of work; try ignoring your friends. If you try to ignore your friends, then they will realize that you are no longer interested in maintaining a friendship with them. They will eventually distance themselves from you.
When there are people whose presence is becoming toxic, you need to realize that the only thing that can be done to eliminate the toxicity is to distance yourself from such people. Avoid any type of confrontation with them.
We are the slaves of Allah. We have been created to seek happiness, forgiveness, comfort, subsistence, and satisfaction in life from His remembrance. If we seek happiness from anything other than Allah, then we will always be disappointed.
Life is a Test
Nothing in life is permanent. We must work on making our source of happiness acts of worship, with the intention of being rewarded by Allah alone.
Negative comments from others hurt us. We have been created in such a way. We feel depressed, unworthy and lost.
People Always Curse Me; I Feel Hurt - About Islam
In addition, when people behave rudely with us, and we are silent, people mistake our silence for our fault, not knowing that the Prophet Muhammed said,
“I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.” [Abu Dawud]
On the other hand, when we do argue and try to prove ourselves, even if we are trying to be polite about it, we are labeled as those without manners and the proper knowledge of Quran and Sunnah.
Therefore, dear brother, peace of mind is only attainable if we constantly recite the verses of the Quran with definitions in our mind.
Try to realize the fact that this life is a test and is only temporary. However, these do not have to overpower us. They can be overcome with ease.
Overcoming the Difficulties in Life
Meditate Often
Calmness is achieved from the inside. When you experience yourself feeling sad and the thoughts starting to emerge, start to a deep breath. Deep breathing is one of the best ways in which one can relax. It is a form of focusing your attention on the breathing rather than other internal fears which are slowly developing.
Do Dhikr Often
Allah says in the Quran,
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (Ar-Rad, 13:28)
Anxiety, sadness, and despair tend to deviate us from believing in the power of Allah. So, remember Allah often. Your degree of happiness depends on your level of connection with Allah. Therefore, call unto him and tell him of your worries, and seek guidance from him.
Allah says in the Quran,
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (Quran, 2:153)
To achieve emotional calm and patience, pray often to Allah. Call on him often. Use his names to glorify him. There is a solution for every problem in the world in the Quran, be it physical, emotional, or psychological.
Allah says in the Quran,
“Indeed, Allah is Hearing and Seeing.” (Quran, 58:1)
Power of Istighfar
Read Istaghfar daily. Allah says in the Quran:
”Ask forgiveness of your Lord and then repent to Him. He will send [rain from] the sky upon you in showers and increase you in strength [added] to your strength.” [Quran 11:52]
”Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver.” [Quran 71:10]
Asking for forgiveness does not necessitate that you have committed. In fact, even the blessed Prophet Muhammed used to make Istighfar 75x-100x every day.
Find a relaxing pastime
Dear brother, I highly suggest that you find yourself a pastime that will help you relax and will take your mind off the negativity that you face. It is definitely hard to be victimized, and even so hard when things are said to you that constantly distract your mind for the worse.
However, realize that these things are inevitable in life. As you move on with life, you will unquestionably face negative comments at the workplace, with certain colleagues, etc. you need to learn to handle people and not internalize everything that they are saying.
Sometimes people say things to bring you down, to decrease your productivity, or to make you feel sad because they don’t want you to be happy.
Therefore, it is essential that you find either a sports activity, or reading, or spending time with people who you are inspired by, etc., to feel better and avoid such feelings. If you do not take precautions to avoid the negative comments from developing, you will become a victim of severe mental health illness.
May Allah make it easy for you,
