The Quran
Two things happened to me while I was reading the Quran. Firstly, I was reading the following Surah (Surah II (Al Baqara - 21) and I just stopped reading. I shut my eyes and I thought about God. Suddenly I got a feeling of the oneness of God, of the superiority of God. I could see that he would have no reason to have a partner. I just couldn’t see anyone there with him on the same level with him, why would he need anyone. He wouldn’t, I was so sure of that. A strange peace came over me and I felt really sure that there is no God but God. I just wanted that feeling to last forever, but it went within a couple of minutes.
The second was when I was reading Surah Al Hajj (22-5). Again I closed my eyes and I had a picture of the world, barren and new born. I saw a mound of earth and a seed growing into a tree and I thought. “Where did that seed come from?” Where did all the beautiful variety of plants that you find all over the world come from. It could only have come from God. Again I felt peace, and I felt the wonder of God.
The Months Before I Reverted
These had to be the hardest and the best months of my life. Sometimes I was on a high and sometimes I felt utter despair. This is an extract from my diary in April:
“Something weird is happening to me and I just don’t know how I feel about it, whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, whether my imagination is running away with me or whether I’m just letting myself be brainwashed. Then again, it could be what’s right and what’s meant to be.
The thing is, I’ve been studying Islam and I’m really thinking of reverting - God help me. At the moment, I just don’t know what to think, the whole thing scares the living daylights out of me. I never thought this kind of thing could happen to me. I certainly didn’t want to be reverted. I always considered myself a catholic, I always believed in God and I always believed that Jesus was the son of God. Now I’m questioning all that, I’m questioning everything I was brought up to believe in and my whole way of life.”
I would think about Islam from the time I got up in the morning until I went home in the evening. After a while, when I’d hear the adhan, I would get a really strong desire to pray, and in the beginning I would pray in the old Christian way. Then, I asked one of the guys in work for a book on how to pray and he gave me one. I read that book, I watched the people praying on TV, and I asked a lot of questions. Then I started praying. Still, no one knew about it except two guys at work. The Egyptian guy and another Jordanian guy who is also a really good Muslim.
In the beginning, I would pray without covering my hair. I didn’t know that I was supposed to, and when someone finally did tell me I just couldn’t figure out the reason why. I had a long argument about it with Khaled one day in work, and I still couldn’t fathom it. Then, when I was going home that evening, I was walking up to catch the bus and I got a feeling of the superiority of God and how small and insignificant I was compared to him, I felt as small as an ant with the whole world stretched out before me, and I knew that I should cover my head when I was praying, because he could see every movement that I made, and I had no right to be proud, and I should do everything I could to please him. I never doubted again that I should cover my head whilst praying.
My diary 23 April 1995
“Well, I’m still not sure what I’m doing. Some times it seems so clear and I think ‘Yes, I believe and I want to shout it out.’ Then other times I feel really unsure and doubtful and afraid, and I just don’t know what I’m doing. The thing is though. Besides anything else, it is a really good religion. The Quran is quite beautiful and everything is in there - how to behave, how to pray, what to do, what not to do. There’s none of that in the Catholic church, besides the fact that they change it from time to time to suit themselves. If you follow this religion you can’t be bad, not to anyone. You can only be kind and patient and tolerant and you can never forget God because you are worshipping him five times a day. I love to pray, I always did. It helps you to remember all the good things you have in life and where they came from and you should be grateful for that always. It brings peace in to your life.”
Sometimes, I was really glad that I had found out about Islam, and sometimes I wished I’d never heard of it, because now that I knew the truth, I realized that I had no choice but to revert, but I was still hanging on to the old life; even though I had given up drinking and going to parties, I was afraid of loosing my western friends and the prejudice I would have to face once I started covering my head. I talked about it to Khaled so many times, and each time I said, ‘I’ll never have the courage to wear the hijab’ and each time he said, ‘when God wills it, you’ll have the courage.’
My diary: My problem is I’m a natural born coward. I dread the thoughts of people’s reaction when I start covering my head. How could I ever tell my mother or Liz in Australia. How can I go to Australia or even Ireland and cover my head - I don’t think I can face it you know. God give me strength.
Changing My Job
There had been a freeze on recruitment at my hospital, and then in June they suddenly opened up for recruitment, and there were two jobs that I could go for. One was in the Personnel Department, and the other was in the Education and Training Department. I had a choice of both jobs, and both Directors were really pushing me to take their department. If I went to the Personnel Department I would be right in the middle of things, and I would know everything that was going on in the hospital, and I would have more chance of getting a pay rise in the future. If I went to Education, I knew there was more chance that people would find out about me being a Muslim, and I would have to start covering my head. For weeks I worried and fretted about what to do. Suddenly it became very important for me to be in the middle of things and to know what was going on in the hospital and to be in such a strong position, but still something was stopping me. Finally my Jordanian friend told me to say two extra Raka’s after my prayer in the evening and to ask for God’s guidance. I did that for days and it just didn’t seem to be working. I think I knew that I had to go to Education but there was a constant battle going on inside me, I was afraid of people finding out, I was afraid of having to face them and thoughts kept creeping into my head about what a powerful position I’d be in if I went to Personnel. Then, one night I was reading the Quran, and it occurred to me that all those things didn’t mean anything to me, money, gossip, power. They never had. So why had they suddenly become so attractive and I thought, it’s Shaytaan trying to convince me, because he knows if I go to Education, then I’d have more support, because there were more Muslims in the department, and I’d get more involved in the religion. And it was like a cloud had lifted, and I made up my mind, and I couldn’t wait for the next day to come so that I could tell my boss my decision. Of course, I went to Education.
Wearing the Hijab
After that things moved pretty rapidly. I started going to the mosque to pray and I had a lot of support in the Education department. Then my boss, who is (strictly religious), found out and started pressing me to cover my head. So I had to think about it seriously. I didn’t want to do it for the wrong reason. I wanted to do it because I was ready and when I knew that I could put it on and never take it off again. Then my boss went on Holidays, and I felt the pressure was off me, but still I was thinking about it all the time. I had constant arguments with my friend about wearing it and the reason why and I still wasn’t convinced.
One weekend, I was at a friends house on the compound, and some new girls had arrived and I got talking to them. They were really nice, and I felt I could be friends with them, but then I thought, ‘OK, new people are coming and it is only going to get harder and harder. Maybe if they see me with the hijab from the start, then they will accept it and not question it as much.’ I decided to start wearing it the next day. Here’s an extract from my diary:
“So I think I’m going to cover my head tomorrow. One half of me feels it’s the right time, the other half is screaming at me not to. I’m trying to ignore that half. It’s just so hard to know what to do. What if I hate if after a day, or a week; or I realize I made a mistake after a week or a month. There’s no turning back, not unless I want to loose all respect. When am I ever going to be 100% sure, when will I ever be any more sure than this. I have to take that chance, I have to believe that if it’s what God wants, then I’ll get through it.
I’m having a panic attack now. Help! Do I really believe in this religion? Do I really want to live my life like this? Do I want to spend every night and every weekend alone? Help! Help! Help! Oh God, why is this so hard? Why am I such a wuss? 29 years of age and still acting like a 5 year old. How have I made decisions in the past when I can’t seem to get it together on this one at all? I’m not even a really good person, I have to work hard at being even half way good. Right now, I’d like to get out of this country, go to a disco, dance wildly, get drunk, scream, shout, and sing. Can I face the rest of my life knowing I can’t drink, can’t have a boyfriend, and can’t go outdoors without covering my head. If Kate was here right now, I think I’d ring her and ask her to make me a marguerita. But she’s not! I think the Devils working overtime on me right now. And people think I’m a sensible person you know. It’d make you laugh, wouldn’t it?
I’m determined I’m going to do it. I’ve got to do it. At least, if nothing else, I might come to my senses and realize what a fool I am, at most I’ll realize that I made the right decision, and I’m on the right track – enshallah [God-willing].”
I didn’t sleep a wink that night. Right up to the last minute I didn’t think I’d have the courage to do it. But just before I went out the door I put it on. I never looked back.
It was like all the doubts were gone. It was like Shaytaan had left me. I felt proud. I felt like I was walking ten feet tall. I wanted everyone to know that I was a Muslim. I was proud to be a Muslim. I knew that I had made the right decision and I would never regret it. Subhan Allah [May God be glorified], He made it very easy for me.
Reverting
Two weeks later I went to the Dawa center. I was really frightened and I was afraid I would say something wrong. My friend Khaled and his wife brought me and it was very emotional. At the end, all of us had tears in our eyes. I cried all the way home in the car.
Up to Date
Still, everything wasn’t as it should be. In changing my lifestyle, I had become a complete TV addict. My whole life now revolved around prayer and TV in the evening. I wasn’t happy about it, but I was too lazy to do anything about it. I would try to read my Islamic books, but I just felt that I couldn’t take in any more. Then rumors about me were going around the hospital, and they started to get back to me. This really upset me, because I hated my life to be the subject of every ones curiosity, and I hated to be the brunt of backbiting and rumors. I went home from work one evening, and I felt that I just couldn’t face it any longer. I hated coming in and watching TV all night and seeing and talking to no one, and the weekends had become a nightmare. I might not see anyone all weekend. I felt lost and alone. It came time for Isha prayer that night and I just didn’t want to do it. This had never happened to me before and it really upset me. I cried solidly for two hours.
The next day my eyes were really swollen and I cried on and off all day. Khaled kept asking me what was wrong and at first I just couldn’t tell him, because I felt so ashamed, even though I had done the prayer because I knew I had to. Eventually I told him and he reassured me that even he felt that way sometimes and not to feel bad about it or get upset about it. What I needed was to change my lifestyle, play tennis, go shopping, read a book. I kept arguing that that wouldn’t help because I still needed people to talk to, I would still be lonely.
That night I went home, and I felt I was really loosing it, I felt I just couldn’t go on. After my prayer I prostrated myself and I prayed really hard “Please God, don’t let me loose you, please don’t let me loose you.” I sat up and turned to the short verses in the back of the Quran and I found Al-Taakathur, and after reading it I realized that I had to let go of all these things I was still attached to, like the TV and worrying about people and what they thought about me. I had to learn to let go. And I felt all my worries leaving me as if they were coming out of my back and floating away.
The next day at Fajr, when I finished my prayer, I got a feeling that I should put my hands in front of me while I was saying my Du’ua. I had seen people doing this but I never understood what it was for. I put out my hands and I prayed for God to help me to let go and to try harder to be a better person. Then I put my hands up to my face and I felt a tingling sensation and a sense of well being and peace and for ages. I was afraid to move in case it went away. But it didn’t.
That day at work, I had a visit from a guy in the Computer department - Anwer. I had never met him before but he had heard about me. He told me about the Rajhi mosque, and that there were lectures in English on a Friday. I decided that I would go that Friday. That week I didn’t watch any TV, and I played tennis and then I asked one of our limo drivers that I trusted to bring me to the mosque.
Friday morning, I got very nervous and at the last minute, I felt that I didn’t want to go. What if I went to the wrong Mosque, what if I did everything wrong. Just as I was going out the door, I prayed to God to guide me and to let everything turn out OK. And, everything did turn out OK. I met the Sameers’, an expatriate family from Sri Lanka, living and working in Saudi Arabia, my new family, and they took me in to their home and treated me like one of their own. May God bless them and reward them and I thank Him every day for choosing them and for letting me meet them.
